topic How do you sever a magnetic attraction you feel for another person in Young people

How do you sever a magnetic attraction you feel for another person

ProDude — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 14:14:58 GMT

So in 2013 I met this guy playing tennis. From the very first instance, I felt drawn to him, while at the same time having this feeling of unease about him.

We became friends, and having conversations online with him made me feel this sense completeness, fulfillment and safety. Not long after I became depressed because of my home and schooling situation (I was 17, now 21). I turned to this guy in my time of need, and he was so supportive and made me feel like I had someone who cared.

However, turned out he wasn't much of a friend at all, and before long the relationship between us became toxic. I felt nothing but grief as we constantly argued almost every day. It makes me start to wonder, did I become depressed because of my life, or was my depression being caused by how I felt about him, knowing deep down we really did not have much in common and a genuine, close, reciprocal friendship was unattainable.

This went on for 2 years before I cut him off. Granted, it was me doing all the work in this non-existent friendship, he didn't care about me at all. However, it hurt as badly as I imagine the breakdown of a couples relationship would be. I became bitter, and constantly felt hollow because none of my real friendships ever made me feel as excited and complete as this guy did.

I want to move on with my life, but I'm hanging onto this guy in my heart. My mind says screw him, he's a moron and has nothing good about him, and yet I still can't shake this magnetic force that compels me to long for him in my life.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

How do you sever a magnetic attraction you feel for another person

james1 — Wed, 05 Jul 2017 00:34:35 GMT

Hey ProDude,

It sounds like it's been a couple of years since you spoke to him?

I could be off the mark here, but I wonder if the attraction you feel is actually something you're creating and maintaining as well?

I tend to think that the language we use to describe things can really shape how we think of it. For example, a magnetic force or attraction is something that comes out of romantic stories which usually have happy endings - something we all desire.

But we could equally describe it as a feeling of need which carries no connotations. Even a crush often brings that intense desire to have the crush in your life.

So maybe a change of language in how you think about this guy is needed. It's not a magnetic attraction or pull without magnets. It's maybe a need for emotional connection, a crush, lust even, or maybe just a really good friend.

And these other things are easier to leave behind, than a force we can't actually stop.

Otherwise, nothing says moving on quite like getting back into your own hobbies and finding what you want and like. You may even meet others which is usually the final nail in that past-relationship coffin.

James

How do you sever a magnetic attraction you feel for another person

The_Possum — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 13:12:00 GMT

Hey ProDude and James.

This thread is actually very interesting and I bet it applies to a lot of people.. More than probably want to admit.

I am female and I met a female friend in 2015. She was about 15 years older than myself. But we sort of connected quite easily, similar humour, understanding, both very intelligent, similar hobbies etc.

I actually felt like she was a clone of myself and what I imagined I'd probably be like at her age.

Given this, we grew quite close and I came to rely on her when I needed advice. I also looked up to her, as a role model, mentor and aspired to be like her. She really was quite inspirational to me. I really felt there was some kind of connection like we were destined to cross paths. It was deeper than my friendships with others. And I could tell it was reciprocated.

Then in 2016 I fell into a lot of mental health issues. Initially diagnosed depression and anxiety, then later bipolar. I again turned to this person for support and solace.

However the relationship quickly turned toxic. In that all the advice given was wrong and always landed me in more trouble than I was before or needed to be. I felt like I was constantly led up the garden path, so to speak. I often caught her out, with lies, which often left me hurt and more depressed. I actually began to wonder if it was intentional.

But my fascination with her and our 'connection' kept me hanging on to this relationship, that quite frankly wasn't all that great. It was one that I worked harder at, with her just offering very little. Our communications became more and more arguable..

This continued right through 2016 and into early 2017. Remembering during this time I was really struggling.

I then assessed things this year and thought this is ridiculous. I care for this person so much, and it seemed one sided to me. It seemed like I was pouring my heart and soul out to this person due to some imagined or otherwise special connection I felt I had to them.

I decided to cut communication. They still try to communicate with me but I shoot it down rather rapidly. I actually became depressed by doing this and felt upset about it. But it honestly wasn't food for me.

Call it a crush? Delusion? Attachment? Connection? Mentally unstable?

Or maybe none of that. I have no idea. I thought we were friends but it was me just seeing something that didn't really exist.

Still troubles me to this day. But I keep busy and slowly trying to forget the whole experience.

How do you sever a magnetic attraction you feel for another person

james1 — Fri, 07 Jul 2017 00:30:05 GMT

Hey Possum,

I've seen you around and I always love the way you communicate. (I also love your name. You can probably tell from my photo that I love animals, haha!)

But yes, I can relate to that as well - not that the relationships were bad for me, but rather how I saw the relationships were bad for me.

When you're in love with the idea of love, of having a carer, of dependency, of need...and that overshadows the love for the actual person, it can be quite difficult and unhealthy. And you know it's unhealthy because it never feels quite right yet we try to convince ourselves that it is right.

Thanks for sharing!

James

How do you sever a magnetic attraction you feel for another person

The_Possum — Fri, 07 Jul 2017 01:27:01 GMT

Thanks James.

I too am an animal lover.

But I'm not just any possum.. I'm The Possum lol

Yep I think you're right. My friends and husband think I put her up in such high regard and admired her so much that I was blinded by the fact that it wasn't such a great relationship. They don't see it was a crush thing. I'm not sure what to call it!

Seriously all her advice was terrible lol

Anyway that door is closed x