topic First Hello from a high schooler in Young people

First Hello from a high schooler

TourmalineSpectacles — Tue, 01 Aug 2017 19:03:38 GMT

Hello there, hope you are well

I am TourmalineSpectacles (or just Specs for short). Gender is male/ queer and pronouns are he/him. Had not seen professional help as of yet. Atrocious sleep patterns.

To be honest, I have been considering joining these forums and/or seeking help for quite a while... maybe since 7th grade. I suppose I am here to find some support as I cannot rely on family due to having a bad relationship with them and i am not completely comfortable with sharing some of my problems with friends, knowing that they too are going through the high school and have their own hardships to face. This seems like a very safe, supportive and lovely community so it is important for me to try.

So... problems-I have many. My home, school and social life all prove to be stressful. Being a person that wishes to have a masculine or androgynous representation, I struggle to fit in with my environment. I go to a 'girl school' and have a very feminine first name in the official records. There I am forced into an image of femininity due to the uniform and peers that do not know of my preferred name and pronouns. I feel extremely stressed whenever I am referred to by unfamiliar peers, not knowing when and how to explain who I am or if I should at all (which I know is irrational as the school is supportive of the LGBT+ community). Also, at the domestic scene, I feel rejected as I have very close-minded guardians that only believe in the cis gender binary identity. Among friends, the gender identity is much more accepted (which I am very thankful for), however, I still often get plagued by thoughts like 'no one truly believes I'm a guy'. It is one of the many reasons why I often experience hopelessness and the thinking I am worthless.

Another main concern are friends. I am unable to say what I think a lot of the time because I am always thinking of consequences and the negative usually overrule the positives. Furthermore, my closest friends may be suffering from mental health issues and have suicidal thoughts and I worry for them. I know for sure that one of my best friends has depression and have seen professional help, and is prone to feeling really bad about themselves. A significant reason for coming here is to find out how to help them.

Despite my shy nature, I would love for anyone to talk to me, share experiences or offer advice, so please do : )

Thanks for anyone who reads this

First Hello from a high schooler

White_Rose — Wed, 02 Aug 2017 01:16:05 GMT

Dear Specs

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Great move writing in here. No judgements or hard words. There used to be an LGBTI forum but it was not used very often so the threads were put into another forum and I cannot remember which one.

I am sorry to learn of your hard time. I can appreciate the various difficulties you face. A friend of mine had a daughter who wanted to be male. She had loving and supportive family and decided to go through the change process. I think there are specific words for this so please forgive me if I express myself awkwardly.

Mom was a keynote speaker at a conference I went to and she told us her daughter's story. It was part video with her and now son speaking about their experiences and partly her thoughts. I found it very moving. Her son seemed very confident about his new identity and was happy to chat about it. He does not live at home, all children grow up and move, but he has a key and can always go there if he needs refuge.

My friend spoke of the sadness of losing her daughter and her happiness with her son. I think it is hard on parents to accept such drastic changes and have absolutely no idea why it is so. Is this the problem in your family? Are you considering a change of gender?

As you say, many students are struggling just to keep up at school and when you add the difficulties you mentioned I can see how hard it is. Have you found any support in the community. You can copy this link into your browser. www.lgbtihealth.org.au/ where you can find information and support.

As you are coping with so many difficulties I wonder how you feel about counselling. Perhaps talking with someone who will listen and help you find some kind of order in your life

As your school is a supporter of the LGBTI community, can you talk to your school counsellor about this? I know it's not the only topic in your life but it is significant. You also would prefer having friends where you can talk about the everyday happening in life and perhaps a counsellor can help you in that area. What do you think? Another option is to chat with your GP and see if he/she can help you find a counsellor.

I have asked someone else to write in here and it may be useful. In the meantime, please carry on writing.

Mary

First Hello from a high schooler

TourmalineSpectacles — Wed, 02 Aug 2017 06:39:49 GMT

Hi Mary, thank you for the welcoming and taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it.

To answer to your question, there is indeed a problem in the household as there is a lack of trust and understanding between all the members, along with the clashing of personalities. My guardians carry an discriminatory attitude towards the LGBT+ community so I don't believe it is safe for me to approach them.

Also, I am not exactly considering a change in gender, instead it is more along the lines of wanting to be accepted and seen as someone of the androgynous to masculine spectrum, the gender which I have believed I am for as long as I can remember. So in my case, the 'daughter' never really existed. However, in the context of documents, I do wish it is changed to something more fitting.

Your suggestion for seeking a counselor or GP is a very good idea as they will likely offer some professional advice, which my peers cannot give. The school definitely seems like a good starting point, I think I will attempt a visit this year. After all, the counselors at school are more familiar to my everyday environment. The matter of speaking with friends about the circumstances may occur very gradually because the act of burdening them with my troubles does not seem right. Maybe not achievable now but an attractive idea nonetheless.

Thanks a lot for your help,

Specs

First Hello from a high schooler

White_Rose — Wed, 02 Aug 2017 06:59:06 GMT

Hello Specs

Thanks for clearing up my misunderstandings. Yes, I get what you mean about being recognised as the person you are rather than some imposed persona.

I think you will find, if you don't push it, that talking to your friends will come about naturally. I suggest you go with the flow on that one. I am sorry your guardians are not prepared to help you in any way, but now you know this you can work around it. Just out of curiosity, and don't answer unless you wish, do you not live with your parents or do you call your parents your guardians? I must admit I am intrigued, which is probably another word for nosey.

I suggest you approach your school counsellors sooner rather than later. You will become more involved in study as you move through the school which may leave little time to help your personal growth. This is an important time for you so start the process of counselling of some sort soon.

Mary

First Hello from a high schooler

TourmalineSpectacles — Wed, 02 Aug 2017 14:13:42 GMT

Greetings Mary,

On the earlier posts, I referred to the people I live with as guardians, which does refer to parents in the conventional perspective. I do not see them as true family which is why I would not call them parents. Personally, I do not find the family structure to be of importance as I would rather judge people by the interactions.

Also, I will put earlier action into consideration as you do raise valid points about the time restraints that will only intensify.

Have a good day or night,

-Specs

First Hello from a high schooler

Just Sara — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 00:01:23 GMT

Hey Specs and welcome to our caring community;

I'm Sara and a member of the LGBI+ community here on BB, and identify as Bi. I invite you to join us in the Rainbow Café in the Social Zone section as well. At present there are a few of us that chat regularly who'll welcome you with open arms.

You can keep this thread open as your own to talk about your particular issues; you'll have support and encouragement from loving and caring people, who want nothing more than to see you thru this difficult time.

As usual, Mary's given some great advice; she's a very sensitive and caring lady. I'll also put the word out in the Rainbow Café; we understand from an experiential perspective ok?

You seem a very intelligent and grounded young man who's mighty courageous to air your concerns here on the BB forum. So well done!

You've bought up 3 issues that I can separate if that's ok. Trying to approach them together makes problems seem bigger than they are, so maybe dealing with one at a time could be more productive.

The main subject seems to be 'coming out'. Please correct me if I'm wrong ok?

I began this reply yesterday and had visitors all day. I'm sorry it's been longer than expected, but I'm here now and wanting to hook up for chats. I'd like to know more about you.

I won't ask questions yet until you feel more confident with posting and getting to know how to navigate the site and become comfortable with members.

There's also lots of info in the links below.

Again, I apologise for responding this late.

Warm thoughts...

Sara (Hugz)

First Hello from a high schooler

Raynor — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 09:34:16 GMT

Hey Specs, welcome to BB.

I wanted to echo Sara's invitation to the Rainbow thread but of course you can keep posting here too. I identify as trans-masc - i.e. masc of centre but not male (I'm AFAB). I can definitely relate to your first post about the challenges in social acceptance of your gender.

I look forward to getting to know you better here.

Rayne

First Hello from a high schooler

Lonelydan — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 09:52:22 GMT

Hi Specs, Welcome there used to be a gay,lesbian,bi,trans section but it disappeared so us that are, miss a lot of posts. I'm 44yr old gay man and also a parent. The term gender queer is something new to me when I was your age kids that everybody knew were that way were either given the name of tomboy butch she just like her father or for the boys his very effeminate likes dolls, tell his going to be a poofter. I'm so glad a bit has changed now and were seeing more about transgender. I'm sorry you're in a non supportive environment parents who are not understanding when it comes to things like homosexuality. Unlike my day, you have the internet and can find teenagers like yourself, having been a homeless kid living on the streets in the the city I got to know a lot of trans men/woman most are happy living life now and love being who they longed to be. Dan...

First Hello from a high schooler

TourmalineSpectacles — Thu, 10 Aug 2017 12:46:26 GMT

Hello Sara, nice to meet you

I apologies for my belated reply, my school tasks had gotten a hectic.

The Rainbow Cafe? Hmm, that does indeed seem like a pleasant place (appealing name too), I'll definitely take a look once free time presents itself. Thank you for the invitation! I really appreciate all the support in this lovely community.

The act of 'coming out' is somewhat of an awkward situation at times around unfamiliar faces, especially if the newcomer start off using unfitting pronouns. The more pressing matter for me is how I am seen afterwards, even if my friends are aware of my preferred pronouns and masculine presentation, I feel as though they still see me as something that I am not but keep up the image of acceptance. For example, 'I don't hang out with guy friends much... oh, except you'. My gender seems to be a bit of an afterthought rather than simple recognition. There is an overwhelming sense lacking true acceptance, however I am very thankful that my friends try though.

Anyways, I'm looking forward to future chats and posts.

Thank you for your time and friendliness,

Specs

First Hello from a high schooler

TourmalineSpectacles — Thu, 10 Aug 2017 13:04:50 GMT

Hello Rayne, how are you?

Thank you for your invitation, I'll take a look at Rainbow soon.

I was just wondering, how is your experience as someone of masc identity? Have you also had difficulties in school environments?

Hope to there are opportunities to talk to you in the future,

Specs

First Hello from a high schooler

TourmalineSpectacles — Thu, 10 Aug 2017 13:43:59 GMT

Hello there Dan,

Thank you for replying, it sounds like things were quite tough for the minorities during your adolescence. In my household, I too have been incorrectly categorized as a 'tomboy' multiple times, and told to change my behaviour.

If you don't mind me asking, did you face any problems as a gay man growing up? I am intrigued by your personal story, I'm sorry about the state of homelessness you had at a point in your life, do you mind sharing what happened?

And yes, I am very fortunate to have the internet to aid me in my self-discovery and understanding. So far, Beyond Blue had a major help to me.

Have a good day,

Specs

First Hello from a high schooler

Just Sara — Fri, 11 Aug 2017 03:31:57 GMT

Hey again Specs; welcome back!

Thanks so much for responding to us [3] individually. I've enjoyed reading thru your words and look forward to more when you're up to it.

I think now might be a good time to ask questions ok? When you talk about acceptance by your friends, have you found comfortable acceptance within yourself? The reason I ask, is that you're going to be this person inside for the rest of your life. I also acknowledge that assessing others' responses to you is a form of safety.

I'm so impressed with your form of communication; you seem very astute, mature and intelligent for one so young. 🙂

I'll leave things here as it's late and I have much to do. Have a great weekend hun!

Sara xo

First Hello from a high schooler

Raynor — Sun, 13 Aug 2017 05:53:19 GMT

Hey specs,

Thanks for your reply. Glad you're still here.

My experience re others' acceptance has been mixed. First off, I didn't come out in high school - hat's off to you for that. I came out as lesbian in my late teens and as trans only in the last couple of years. Everyone knows now except my parents. For me, the worst reactions to my transness have actually come from lesbian friends and acquaintances, which is sad.

A lot of people's reactions have initially been similar to what you describe, especially those who have never known or been close to an openly-trans person before. I figure they want to be accepting but it's still strange to them - just because it's not a way of being that's really out there in the media or whatever, so if you don't personally know someone or aren't trans yourself, then it's going to be foreign at first. So I'm fine with that reaction at first. But if the person doesn't move past that over time, then we tend to drift apart.

It's really helped me to meet other trans folk. Have you been able to do that?

peace, Rayne

First Hello from a high schooler

TourmalineSpectacles — Mon, 14 Aug 2017 15:06:34 GMT

Hello Sara, how has your day been?

No, thank you all, responding has been a pleasure : )

And yes, questions are very welcome. Hmm... acceptance of oneself... I want to believe that I have simply accepted that I am someone very much queer. However, there is still a small, peculiar internal conflict in the back of my mind about what exactly I am comfortable with at specific times, sometimes I prefer distance from any notions of gender, other times I sit on a spectrum. Perhaps my comfort zone is where there is a little room for gender fluidity.

I'm sure I am not quite as eloquent as many others, but thank you for the compliments.

Hope this week will be good for you,

Specs

First Hello from a high schooler

TourmalineSpectacles — Tue, 15 Aug 2017 13:53:14 GMT

Hi Raynor,

I'm surprised to hear that even the LGBT+ community is segregated in some aspects. Would of thought that people would be more accepting of each other because of mutual understandings of being a minority group. And I agree, it is indeed a sad moment to not have your identity embraced by friends. Do you think back about their reactions much?

The concept of meeting people that are also going through such difficulties, seems like a good idea as being able to relate reduces the sense of isolation. The only transgender person I know of personally is my cousin's girlfriend, a woman of trans experience. Although I got along with her fine, we do not share the same environment, being half a globe away. I wished I had taken the initiative to speak to her on these topics, when she had visited with my cousin. So far, I have not met any other transgender or gender queer people besides her.

Have a good night,

Specs

First Hello from a high schooler

Just Sara — Mon, 21 Aug 2017 06:26:19 GMT

Hi Specs;

I'm really sorry your thread and posts slipped under my radar. It's been a hectic week with lots going on. I do apologise.

You've expressed your comfort zone really well. Kudos! Gender fluidity is accepted and spoken about readily these days as our western culture continues to 'blend' gender roles and social standards.

Career paths for young people now offer a 'no-holds-barred' gender approach, so kids have options once considered taboo. I was given the option of nurse or secretary. Hmm...I did nursing but found it too emotionally charged; even traumatic. I went into hospitality, then the govt sector where I stayed for decades. I'm retired now.

Getting back to your first post, your friend with depression seems in good hands with medical/psych support. Your role in their life as a friend, would be to listen, encourage and offer a shoulder to cry on. (And someone to laugh with!) This I know will surely be appreciated; a gift actually.

When she asks for advice, it's better to direct her to those that have the expertise to deal with such things. Then assure her she's acknowledged, heard and validated by you. This in itself is 'enough'.

Our voice is our power, so allowing people to speak up has amazing results; sometimes that's all we need. This includes you Specs, finding an outlet to voice your confusion, frustration and fear is essential for balance. A counsellor or psych might just be a cleansing experience. 🙂

Writing on here is always a bonus, this goes without saying. However, face to face communication can't be compared. I'm positive your beautiful qualities will shine thru, so please consider this advice.

Sending warm hugs your way;

Sez x

First Hello from a high schooler

TourmalineSpectacles — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 03:51:26 GMT

Good afternoon Sara,

I'm afraid simply being someone's friend is not enough to help someone completely, but I agree that it is important for all those precious people to know that they are cared for and not alone. Although some of my friends have received help in the professional sense, there is still quite a few things that feel not quite right. Perhaps, it will be up to persistence in communication.

Ah, and a update on the recent events on my side: bombarded with exams but I try to make time for social outings and interactions as it is both enjoyable and I see it as mutually beneficial. Regarding the concept of a counselor, I have been introduced to the school one by my year coordinator (a lovely woman, by the way). So far, so good. The school counselor and I have only had met once and plan to have sessions once the exams are over. It has been a fairly positive experience for me as she had been patient and understanding, even if I was unable to explain things to the fullest potential. I'm glad that I have not left this for later as I had intended.

Thank you for all the chats and pep talks, Sara

Have a fantastic weekend,

-Specs

First Hello from a high schooler

Raynor — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 07:42:34 GMT

Hey specs, yeah I think the divisions in the community are weakening but it can't happen soon enough as far as I'm concerned. There are enough gatekeepers and gender/sexuality police for us to deal with out there in the world, without having it within our communities as well.

I know an online community with young trans people in it that I would really recommend if you want to meet others, but I'm not sure if it's in the rules to post links here. Sara, do you know?

Rayne