topic Not sure how this works? in Young people

Not sure how this works?

lucagabriella — Mon, 31 Jul 2017 14:06:25 GMT

Hi, I am kind of new to this site, or any kind of mental health forum. I no longer feel like I have any words to say how I feel exactly, and that everything I do feel is kind of just a big blur of different points in my life that have all led to this moment. I feel the need to share everything I feel but also keep it to myself, and nights like these it becomes very difficult to contain my emotions. I very much hate the person I am and can see that it influences my relationships with others, and obviously eats away at my own self-esteem. I don't wish I was dead, but I often wish that I was someone else, or that I could be someone else and have traits I feel would make me a better person. I don't want someone to tell me to not feel this way because I don't particularly remember a point in my life where I was completely at peace with who I am as a person, and so simply telling me to stop thinking like this I feel is kind of just dismissive. I no longer feel like I can talk to my friends about these feelings because not only do they go through their own dramas, but they tell me often that I am the only person who can help myself. I don't feel like I can talk to a stranger because they do not know me at all; not my past or the way I deal with things or the way I think... how could they help me if I cannot help myself? I am afraid of so many things in my life. I am afraid to see people and catch up with them, I am afraid of parties and I am afraid of simply walking my dog past the main road. I am afraid to get intimate with people I care about. Sometimes situations make me so excited that it becomes so overwhelming I get scared, and so I avoid it. I am afraid of so many situations and possibilities and the future and the past and I hate myself so much because I feel it ruining my relationships with others. I want to be confident and I want to feel good in social situations - not disgusting and awkward and nervous. I want someone to give me the answers, or 'fix' it, but I know that is not how it works. I am here to ask what I should do, because I don't want to be like this anymore, I honestly cannot.

Not sure how this works?

Croix — Tue, 01 Aug 2017 02:57:19 GMT

Dear Lucagabriella~

Welcome here to the Support Forum, a pretty good place to come to as there are so many here who have had tough times with mental illness and would like to use their experiences to help. I can see that you have already started to have a look around and post. Finding how others have coped can really help, that's how I started.

You are able to give a very complete idea of how you feel and the effect on your life of all these thoughts and fears. However there is one thing I'd like to say straight away, your friends are wrong in maintaining that I am the only person who can help myself. I've felt all the things you have, and in my case it is caused by anxiety, bouts of depression and other matters. There is no way I could have improved long-term without outside help.

If you have therapy you do have to work at it yourself- the professional provides the tools, but that is a different story.

Not remembering how you were, really not having a target to aim for, sounds familiar too, though I don't think it is a real problem. As things that are obviously wrong are fixed the you underneath will emerge more and more. You really don't need to be someone else, the intelligence, articulate and sensitive person you are is fine. It just needs the yoke of anxiety and illness to be lifted from your shoulders.

I don't know if you have ever sought medical help. In your shoes it is the first thing I would do. Book a long appointment with your GP and set out, like you have above, your circumstances, history, how you feel and what is happening in your life.If you think you might be overwhelmed in the consultation write it all down first then share the paper. This was my way to a much better life - not all at once, but I'm pretty much there now.

You can find more about such things as anxiety, symptoms and treatments, in The Facts menu above.

I was lucky in having personal support form my family. Some of the friends you have talked with sound as if they simply do not understand what happens. Is there anyone you can talk to, who is patient, cares and wants to support you? If a person really cares you won't ruin a relationship by being honest about yourself.

I've probably not addressed everything you might want in this post, however I'd like it if you came back and said what you thought so far

Croix

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lucagabriella — Tue, 01 Aug 2017 04:03:50 GMT

Croix

This response was really a welcome thing to see, thank you a lot.
I do have a best friend, but I often find when I talk to her about these feelings of feeling stuck and afraid it always just turns into a big loop conversation that emphasizes the fact that if I want to see improvements in my life, I need to take that step. That is why I am here I suppose, because I don't think she can help me if I don't first try to help myself. And I think that applies to anyone in my life.

I've never spoken to a counselor or anyone about this before, or if I have tried they've generally told me to 'get out of my shell' and whatnot (far easier said than done, I'd argue). Your point of writing things down I feel sticks with me, because I've always been better at writing than I have at articulating myself, I'll keep it in mind.

The thing stopping me from seeing someone is that there isn't anything wrong in my life, like I have a loving family (I don't feel I can talk to them about these things, but I know they love me unconditionally, and I them), and I have a best friend. Yes, I struggle to make friends and there are many undercurrent problems, but they all stem back to myself. I am my own worst enemy - how does a stranger help that? How can a stranger tell me what to do when I myself know what I have to do, but just can't?

Not sure how this works?

Croix — Tue, 01 Aug 2017 05:38:33 GMT

Dear Lucagabriella~
I"m glad some of what I said made sense to you. Before I say any more I'd like to point out I am not a doctor, like many here I'm simply someone who has been very ill, and is now a fair bit better. I only have my own history to draw on.

Now, may I speak frankly?

Firstly I think you are very much missing the point about your circumstances. You said you were reluctant to seek medical help because "there isn't anything wrong in my life". This is just plain incorrect. Family, friends and circumstances are nothing to do with it. It is the condition inside you now that is causing the problems and needs rectifying. Reading your post you sound most unhappy, afraid, worrying about ruining relationships and having many other horrible feelings.

As an aside I became ill with a fine career, loving wife, great child, no money worries and so on - go figure.

Secondly being told to 'get out of my shell' - or whatnot - is the sort of phrase that convinces the speaker that have done something useful but in actual fact is a nuisance, causing self-doubt in the listener without providing any worthwhile advice. I'm sorry you have been told that or similar.

You also said "How can a stranger tell me what to do when I myself know what I have to do, but just can't" Well for a start we are not talking strangers but professionals who have experience dealing with many. I do feel you are pre-judging matters. I was probably guilty of the same sort of error myself, it may have came about because I was not aware of what was available to help me, then again it could have been my depression thinking for me.

As for you being able to do things, there is a world of difference between soldiering on alone and having information, guided direction and support.

So you have my apologies for disagreeing with you, which I do mainly because I can see parts of my own experiences in your situation.

Please don't let it stop you from continuing to speak

Croix

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lucagabriella — Tue, 01 Aug 2017 09:27:41 GMT

Croix

I definitely did not mean to imply I disagree with you. I am here not only for myself but also for others - I do want to be able to give my own advice for others, and similarly I'd love to hear what others have to say. Sometimes I feel like in life you need someone else to give their opinions so that you can view the situation from a different lens and get some perspective, and that is another part of the reason as to why I am here and why I appreciate your comments. Sometimes I can come across defensive or disagreeing, and I am sorry, sometimes it's just the only way I know how to explain what I'm thinking.

I feel a little ashamed that you needed to point out that circumstance is far from the problem. I agree with that, and I'd like to think that is something I would have said to someone else if I had been the one giving advice. It has definitely given me something to think about

Thank you heaps

Not sure how this works?

Croix — Tue, 01 Aug 2017 11:50:31 GMT

Dear Lucagabriella~

I think you are already giving advice and interacting with others, and doing it well, giving some pretty good views. You are doing fine, making a contribution.

Also don't worry too much about interactions here. In a text format is is very hard to get everything down, and even if you do the other person may simply not be on the same wavelength and not entirely understand.

Continuing the conversation over several posts normally sorts everything out. Everyone here is looking out for the other person, it's a relaxed and comfortable environment as I'm sure you are starting to find out.

I have to smile at you thinking you might have given the advice you received. Looking in from the outside can give one an advantage, and I'm sure that is exactly the advice you would have given in the circumstances.

As for feeling ashamed because you did not think of something - you a holding yourself to a rather high standard. We all learn here, have to. I've learned today from your way of looking at fear, the concept of narrowing it down is not one I'd thought of.

You have lots of interesting thoughts, I hope you feel more and more at home here

Croix

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lucagabriella — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 03:44:45 GMT

Not sure who will see this,

I've not been feeling too great lately, and I really just feel like I need to talk about it. Yesterday I wrote about it and shared it to a forum but it says it is awaiting moderation. I don't feel like I said anything bad.

In light of some events I came to this site (and I have visited various others, but this seems the most efficient one for communicating with others) in order to just let out the way I feel. For the most part, however, I've found myself being absorbed in other people's posts, and that has allowed for me to not only help others (hopefully), but to distract myself from my own problems and thoughts. If I got the chance to talk about whatever is bothering me, I don't know if I really could, because it is hard to pinpoint a distinct issue that can be fixed.

Yesterday when my post didn't go up straight away I felt a bit of panic because I had no distractions and was feeling really overwhelmed. I managed to distract myself a little, but I am unsure of what to do anymore about the way I am feeling. Currently I am in a study period, although all the year 12s have left school early, so I am in a room alone with no one to go to for a distraction.
I have begun questioning whether or not it was good to join this forum because I feel myself constantly checking it to see whether or not people have replied, however in a similar fashion I do this on my phone anyway.

Would love to hear back from people

Not sure how this works?

Ellie05 — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 04:48:15 GMT

Hello Lucagabriella,

I hope you are feeling a little better since having posted earlier. Dealing with anxious or depression thoughts is especially difficult when we are no longer in our regular routine or do not have anyone around to help distract us.

Like Croix I think it would be worthwhile speaking to your GP or seeking out a counsellor. Sometimes it just helps to have someone to talk to you who is completely objective and with whom you can share any of your worries without fear of being judged. Reaching out to friends is good but from personal experience I've found people who have never experienced these types of thoughts and feelings really struggle to understand them. This might be the case with your friend. This isn't to say that he/she can't be a great support to you. It's just that he/she may not be best placed to give you solutions or advice.

It's wonderful to hear that you have so many good things going for you in your life and you are appreciative of them, but this is not to say that it's a good idea to ignore the troubles you are facing either. When I was your age I used to struggle with guilt a lot because like you I had many privileges in life (great family and friends) but was still so unhappy at times. As a result I blamed myself for it and considered myself somehow broken, which of course only made the problem worse. The thing is, life can be really hard, even if we are lucky and have lots of wonderful people around us. It's okay to feel a bit crappy from time to time. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you, it just means you're human. There are a lot of pressures and uncertainties facing people your age and social anxiety is more common that you think. The good news is it that after you leave high school people tend to be less self conscious and less judgemental of those around them so it gets a bit easier.

One thing that really stands out to me from reading your posts if that you are very conscious of being kind to other people but you are not so good are being kind to yourself. Some people recommend writing a list of three things they are grateful for each day to help them get through a bad spot. Perhaps you could try thinking of three things about yourself that you are appreciative for or proud of? Remember to give yourself credit for the little things.

Not sure how this works?

lucagabriella — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 05:07:32 GMT

Hi Ellie05

I appreciate your response - it means a lot to me. I'm still feeling the same because I'm feeling a little helpless, or just feeling like I'm wandering in a dark room and I don't know how to tackle what I am feeling. I want to get out of my head, distract myself, but I also just want to go home and sleep. I want to catch up with my friends to distract me but that makes me nervous and I don't really want to, because then when I am with them I wish I was at home. I can't focus on my school work at all, and I'm torn between only ever wanting to be at home in my room, and wanting to never go home and always do things so that I am not thinking. Going out is difficult because it makes me feel nervous and going out generally makes me feel self-conscious. Sometimes at home I am able to talk to friends on social media (although I do feel myself getting annoying) or watch a movie to distract me, because doing anything else tends to feel like I am avoiding things I need to do (like homework and seeing friends), and a movie always feels like 'oh, I can turn it off in 5 minutes.'

I have never been to see a professional before. If that's the direction I need to go, I feel it is a difficult step to take. At school I am scared someone will see me in the counselor's office and I don't want to have to explain that I'm not really sure why I was there in the first place. I also do not feel I can visit a GP because that would require someone taking me, and for now I'd rather just keep this to myself. I also find it hard to open up to people in person because what I'm feeling inside feels very complex, and to put it into words, or writing it down (particularly for a counselor), feels like it's defining my emotions and making them seem minuscule in the grand scheme of things.

Not sure how this works?

Zeal — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 05:55:25 GMT

Hey Lucagabriella,

I've read through your posts on this thread, and you strike me as a perceptive and sensitive person. The low self-esteem and anxiety sounds as though it really dominates your life. As Croix mentioned, seeing a counsellor is an option. Making a time to talk with your school counsellor/pastoral care worker would be a good start. Despite not having negative people or situations in your life, you still have every right to see a counsellor or other mental health professional. Like you, I have a loving family and positive things in my life. Despite this, I suffered from low self-esteem and anxiety in my teens, and I saw professionals about this. Anyone can develop mental health issues or other difficulties, even people with great people around them and nothing "wrong" on the surface. I'm glad your parents are loving and kind, and that you also have a best friend. If you don't mind me asking, what do you feel is stopping you from opening up emotionally to your parents?

This constant checking of the forum sounds frustrating. I can relate, as I do the same with emails and social media messages. It's helpful to have downtime during the day where you switch off from online activities. Having a book on hand to read some chapters of can help, and music played on an iPod or external device (not through YouTube or online sites) can be calming.

I'd like to give you links to some resources that may be useful. You could save these to your computer, and read bits and pieces when you'd like mental health tips. It's important to emphasise that these kinds of resources cannot replace in-person support:

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=57 (self-compassion)

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47 (self-esteem)

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=40 (social anxiety)

Self-compassion is crucial for personal wellbeing. This is something I used to really struggle with. Self-compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness that you would show to others you care about.

I'm glad that reading forum posts on this site has been helpful 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

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lucagabriella — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 06:39:17 GMT

Hi Zeal

Thank you for your response, it feels nice that there are people willing to read what I write and try and give me advice - I am really grateful to everyone for that!
I will definitely check out those sites that you've placed there.

While I love my parents unconditionally, growing up I didn't really see eye to eye with them. To be perfectly honest I was a pretty bad kid and gave my mum anxiety at one point. What kid does that to their parents? Mum once admitted that I was "unbearable", and while I know it's true, it offended me. She realised it did and doesn't mention it, but I still know I was a bad kid. I find it hard to come to terms with how badly I behaved, or even to forgive them for some things that happened too. While my mum is very open about talking about feelings and relationships, in the past I have found her to break my trust by telling my dad or her friends, and I get that sometimes she just does it without realizing, but it makes me feel like adults talk about me behind my back and that kinda feels a little patronizing. One of the first things to surprise me from this site was that I was talking to adults, because I've always felt they didn't think much of kids like me, or that they thought young children didn't know what it was to experience 'problems.' I know now that that isn't correct.

I know I was the first child and they were learning, and I know that I was only just a kid (and still am), but that I am growing and we all make mistakes. I find it hard to forgive myself for the things I put them through and while things are okay now, every now and then you still feel the past creep back in a little. I love my parents and they me, but that is why I feel like I cannot speak to them, and why I am here

- lucagabriella

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james1 — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 07:26:02 GMT

Hi lucagabriella,

The others have given some wonderful suggestions already. I just wanted to comment on how what you've said has really resonated with me.

Even just in your last paragraph, what you've said about feeling like a bad kid. I always thought of myself as being a bad son. Having spoken to my psych a lot recently, I'm a bit more willing to give myself leeway. Like you, my parents did things that broke my trust in them a bit. Whether for that reason or for others. Perhaps she cared and loved me too much, but things happened and habits developed which would normally be called "bad kid" habits.

So I guess all I'm saying is that you were a kid and kids mess up because they don't know any better. They only know how to express pain in ways that others deem "bad kid" behaviour.

Now the kid is older in year 12, but it's still terribly hard to just forgive and forget and move on. Habits die hard and pains can linger, but as you can see, you're not alone in trying to heal these past wounds. We're all licking old wounds forums and we know it's bloody hard at times.

Many hugs to you.

James

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lucagabriella — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 08:37:54 GMT

james1, thank you for sharing that, it is nice to know at least I am not alone in the feeling. It makes me glad to hear that you are more willing to give yourself leeway - I think that is something everyone needs to learn to do for themselves.

- lucagabriella

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White_Rose — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 11:06:35 GMT

Hello lucagabriella

I think we have spoken on another thread. I have just read through all the posts in this thread and it has struck me how much your conversation has changed from the start until now.

The biggest change is your comment in your first post where you say I very much hate the person I am and can see that it influences my relationships with others, and obviously eats away at my own self-esteem. And in your second post you say The thing stopping me from seeing someone is that there isn't anything wrong in my life And in the same post, How can a stranger tell me what to do when I myself know what I have to do, but just can't?

Your tone changes in your fourth post, Sometimes I feel like in life you need someone else to give their opinions so that you can view the situation from a different lens and get some perspective, and that is another part of the reason as to why I am here and why I appreciate your comments. And this is what others have been saying to you. You need a different perspective.

The role of a counsellor is not to tell you what to do. It is firstly to get to know you and understand what is happening in your life. Then to talk about the whys and wherefores of all this. You get to make the decisions but with the help of someone who can give you a different perspective.

Now you are identifying yourself as a pretty bad kid. Well that's a big insight, though I suspect you have magnified your badness as you grow up and hidden behind it because you don't know how to handle life. A counsellor can help stop hiding and be what I believe you really are, a smart girl.

Some practical issues. If you are over 14 you can have your own Medicare card, so you can go to the doctor on your own. Getting your card means a trip to your local Medicare office and filling in a form. Cost is a factor so contact your doctor's surgery and ask if they will bulk bill you as you want to speak to a doctor privately. Many GPs will do this for people in your circumstances. The doctor is not allowed to tell your parents you have been there or what you have talked about.

Why not get yourself organised to start the process of rediscovering yourself. Once you have made contact with your GP they will guide you to the next step. And I think what you want is guidance.

Oh and one last thing. Why are you so convinced you must know all about yourself and how to get well? I am a grandma with 8 grandchildren and would never believe I know everything. I learn every day.

Mary

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lucagabriella — Fri, 04 Aug 2017 00:42:19 GMT

Mary

Thank you for your reply, as I have said, it is greatly appreciated.

Seeing a GP I think is not the best for me because the only way to get there would be through my parents. I am not confident with public transport and don't go out much - my parents would notice if I randomly went somewhere with no details of where I am going. I also don't generally do those kinds of things without my parents, I am definitely not confident on my own. Nor do I really know anything about adult life, like doing things like that. But a school counselor is something I am considering seeing as it is readily available. If I chose to see them, however, I am unsure if they are obligated to tell an adult about me going.

To answer your last question about wanting to 'get well' and 'know all about yourself.' I don't want to know myself. I feel like my fear of doing things and going out really stops me from doing the things I want to, and that obviously impacts my relationships with others. Basic things like walking past main roads or going to parties require a great deal of mental preparation (with most the time me avoiding them), and I wish social interactions were that little bit easier because I want to make more friends and be more social.
As I have said I think somewhere on this site, in light of recent events I feel like I want to take action and do the things I want to without fear, because I feel like I am losing motivation to do anything and feeling very helpless and overwhelmed with my past present and future.
I hate myself a lot for things that have happened and for who I am as a person - I still wish that I were someone else most days, or I at least had better traits that would allow for me to be who I want to.

In saying that, I 100% agree with you. People learn every day. Never will I know everything, and always will I learn new things. I just want to get rid of my fear because I cannot see a good future for myself if I don't try to deal with it.

- lucagabriella

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White_Rose — Fri, 04 Aug 2017 06:24:10 GMT

Dear Lucagabriella

Does your school have a chaplain or counsellor? This would be a good person to talk to. They are not allowed to discuss you with your parents, other teachers or anyone else. It is a confidential conversation. Can you make a time to see this person?

I have read some of your posts to others and I think you show great empathy with those people. You clearly know how to help others, so can you put that knowledge, those ideas into practice for yourself? May I make a suggestion? Sometime threads get mixed up and confusing for anyone writing responses. By all means write on other threads, because this is what BB is all about. When you want to talk about your own life and difficulties etc please write on your own thread.

Sometimes it is difficult not to refer to something that is troubling you when you answer some other thread. Just go with the flow. The reason for keeping your 'stuff' on your thread is that those who want to reply to you can find you easily and do need to wade though posts on another thread to find out where you are up to.

And I don't think I have written such a clumsy paragraph before. Dare not change for fear of making it worse.

Mary

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quirkywords — Fri, 04 Aug 2017 09:42:12 GMT

Lucagabriella

I just came across your thread by chance.

I want to thank you so much for contributing to my thread while havering your own problems. I am glad you are reaching out . This is a safe place to communiocate your inner feelings.

Quirky

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lucagabriella — Fri, 04 Aug 2017 09:58:14 GMT

Mary
I think I will consider seeing a counselor, it's a big step and the thought of doing it kind of scares me a little bit. It's something I'll sit on for a little to contemplate.
I also am aware of posting on various threads. I'm still learning how it all works, but I think I have the general idea of how it works now. I didn't mean to come across as self-absorbed or anything by writing about my own feelings on other people's threads - sometimes it just feels like it can be easier to give others advice when relating to my own experiences. Or sometimes their experiences relate to my own so I ask for advice.

Quirky
Glad you're here, much appreciated. Everyone here is helping everyone, and I am more than happy to offer you advice if need be, regardless of my own circumstances 🙂

- lucagabriella

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White_Rose — Fri, 04 Aug 2017 11:26:36 GMT

Hello Lucagabriella

No you have not come across as self absorbed. I made the suggestion in order for others to post directly to you and be a place where you can say what you think. I know, from my own experience, that it's difficult not to talk about yourself when answering a post. And there it is, a comment about my experience to offer to you. Don't let me put you off when you have something to say when talking on other threads. Sometimes an example or experience from your own life is just right. We tell stories about ourselves in all walks of life because that's what makes it easier to communicate.

Glad you are considering a counsellor. On BB none of us are professional psychs or counsellors. We have exactly what you have, our own journeys, our own experiences, our own thoughts. And these are valuable and helpful. You are going well helping others. Just remember to write on your own thread as well.

You have written about your fear several times and the desire to get rid of it. Well I can't blame you, I do not want to be fearful of anything. Fear can be a protective emotion though such as the time I turned round in my kitchen and found a brown snake about two feet away, head up ready to attack. Apparently I screamed because my sons came dashing down the hall to see what was up. I don't remember running to the dining room either but there I was.

Of course you are talking about your social anxieties and wanting to fit in. No one wants to be afraid of joining in. Have you come across Shelley ann in your travels. She has a post on the Long Term Support Over The Journey which is called Just Want to Shout Out. Shelley was much like you when she joined. Maybe she still is but can manage her life. Drop in on her thread and chat. I think you will enjoy talking to her.

Back to knowing yourself. When we don't know why we act in certain ways how can we change. More than willpower is required. I certainly know I am afraid of snakes, though I guess that's not so different to most people. I am also afraid of people who shout at me, especially men. For me that is the result of living with a husband who shouted a lot and was very domineering. Trouble is, every time I am in anything like that situation I start to shake. Doesn't matter who it is or why. I find myself wanting to placate that person as if that was my husband. Well I did. I'm much better now because I know where the fear comes from. Does that make sense?

Love to know what you think.

Mary

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lucagabriella — Sat, 05 Aug 2017 01:41:16 GMT

Hi all

I really appreciate everyone's input, it means a lot to me.
I think I have decided to see someone about this. Last few days have been pretty bad and I'm feeling hopeless and like something is growing inside of me, and it feels horrible and I don't think I can do it on my own. I opened up to a friend last night about all of this - the forum and the full extent of my nerves, and they have encouraged me to see someone also. Telling them has made it so that I don't think I can avoid seeing someone for some help. It'll be hard because the thought of seeing someone makes my skin crawl, but I'll do it. I'll let you know how it goes.

I thank everyone here who has offered me advice - I have considered it all and it is nice to know people (total strangers, may I add) are willing to help, but I think I need the help of someone in real life too.

- lucagabriella