topic Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot. in Young people

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

NonbinaryDragon — Tue, 07 Dec 2021 23:39:59 GMT

Hello. Let's start this of with a bit of an introduction. My name is Quinn, my pronouns are they/them and I'm nonbinary, asexual and panromantic. At least I'm pretty sure that's all true. My family is pretty homophobic, especially my dad. When I first came out to him he basically waved it off as me just making stuff up to fit in with my new friends. We had just moved to where I know live and for the first time ever in my life I was going to a new school and my friend group was almost entirely LGBTQIA+. I had no idea about any of it so they had to teach me and I came to the above realisations. One of my other currant problems is that I'm beginning to question my religion. I'm I'm raised catholic and my parents are both very strongly catholic but I just don't fell very connected to it. I have been doing a bit of reaserch and I found like all that pagen witchcraft stuff and that looks really cool but I don't really know what to do, or how to tell my parents. My other problem is my extended family. We used to live with my mums parents when we first moved here but it's wasn't great. My grandfather started drinking again and he got really drunk most nights and got into fights with my dad. We eventualy moved out and not it's like my mum wants me to forget everything that he did and just be friends with him again, but every time I go over to visit he's always drunk and says stupid stuff. I just don't know what to do, and I have been feeling really sad most days and I think I might have depression but my dad said it can't be that because I still enjoy my hobbies. I just need some help and advice. Thanks in advance.

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

NonbinaryDragon — Wed, 08 Dec 2021 00:03:56 GMT

Really sorry to do this and I hope I'm not breaking the rules but there was one more problem. Literally everyone else in my family has started calorie counting and constantly making remarks about my weight and what I'm eating and I already have really bad thoughts about my body.

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

mmMekitty — Wed, 08 Dec 2021 01:24:47 GMT

Hello Nonbianary Dragon,

Welcome to the forums, indeed you are. 😸

You've written a lot, & it is complicated stuff. I'm sure you realise family stuff is so often very complicated. It's not your job to even try to untangle all of it.

You are at a time in your life when you are working out who you are & what you believe. Seems there are people around you who would like to influence you & either guide you, constrain you, or prescribe for you what & who you should be. It is going to be a rough journey. Along the way you may value what some people say or you might not. Ultimately, who you are is who you are. How you are in the world is up to you.

I'll leave it here for now. I need to think. I'm sure otheres will be along soon to welcome you. There are spaces on this website set up for young people & for LGBTQIA+ people , & those with questions about gender & sexuality.

mmMekitty

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

Sophie_M — Wed, 08 Dec 2021 04:10:25 GMT

Hi NonbinaryDragon,

Welcome to the forums, and thank you for sharing so openly, that’s a really brave and proactive thing to do. We can imagine it would be really difficult having moved to a new place, started at a new school, started to realise some things about your identity, and to now be going through a difficult time with your family and Grandad, on top of all that. This is a really safe, supportive space, so we’re glad you could share this here with us.

We think that Q Life would be an awesome organisation to talk to as they are experts in supporting people as they work through their gender identity. You can call them on 1800 184 527. You could also talk to KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800. If you’d like to chat about the depression you’ve been worrying about, we’d recommend Headspace on 1800 650 890. All of these options are also available through webchat, if you'd prefer:

QLife (3pm – midnight AEDT)
Kids Helpline
Headspace (9am-1am AEDT)

It can be really tough to make the step to make a call but the people who answer the phone are kind and helpful. They speak to people about this every day and can offer useful advice. You don't have to go through this alone.

Here's a few online articles we thought you might like to check out:

Thank you again for sharing. We’re sure some more of our lovely community members will be along soon with some advice and kindness for you as you work through this. It’s so important to be kind to yourself while you work through it.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

Isabella_ — Wed, 08 Dec 2021 05:19:01 GMT

Hi Quinn,

Welcome to the forums 🙂 I'm really glad you've taken the time to open up about everything. I'm sure you've been carrying all of this around for a while without letting it out, so I really appreciate that you've let people in.

I want you to know that you are loved and accepted for who you are here, even though your family aren't accepting of your sexuality and gender identity. Coming to terms with who you are is so hard, let alone coming out and being brushed off.. That must have been really painful. I'm glad to hear you have a group of friends who are supportive and have helped you discover who you are. It's not "fitting in".. You learn the most about who you are from the people you're surrounded with.

I'm curious.. Do you find yourself questioning your religion based around catholicism being unaccepting of homosexuality? I think it's completely normal to not feel connected to the religion you were born into. You're your own person with your own set of values. I wouldn't be surprised if your parents have had a role in making you question your faith based on the fact they're unaccepting.

I want you to know that your parents and the rest of your family aren't obligated to know anything about the religion or spiritually you align with.. Especially if you believe it's unsafe for you to open up to them about that, or feel like they'll invalidate you and hurt you emotionally. Based on how they've dismissed your sexuality and gender identity, in my eyes at least.. They're to blame if you decide not to be as open with them as you used to be or would like to be.

You mentioned that you believe you might have depression.. Your father isn't in the position to diagnose you, and more importantly, tell you who you are and how you're feeling. He cannot feel what you feel. Depression can waver.. You can have days where you do your normal hobbies, and days where you aren't able to. I think if it's something you're struggling with, please know you can use the resources that Sophie has listed at any time you feel you need to.

I can see you have a lot on your plate. With family problems as well, I can see how this has been weighing on you and making you feel sad most days 😞 Family and alcohol mixed together is so hard to navigate and understand.. It's so complicated.

I know we don't know each other, but I care and I can hear your pain 😞 I'm always here for a chat whenever you feel like you need it ❤️

I hope to hear from you.

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

smallwolf — Wed, 08 Dec 2021 11:20:17 GMT

hello and welcome.

your family situation sounds complicated and difficult. I also believe you should be valued as you are and the issues your parents have issues with how you see yourself is saddening. I don't know how much of this might be associated with their religious beliefs? There is nothing wrong with questioning your beliefs either. This is only my opinion.

Might I ask what attracts you to pagan stuff?

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

NonbinaryDragon — Wed, 08 Dec 2021 12:57:43 GMT

Hi Sophie. Thanks for the links! I find it difficult to call people both due to my anxiety and because my parents will want to know who I'm talking too but I think I will try and find a good time to do it.

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

NonbinaryDragon — Wed, 08 Dec 2021 13:04:07 GMT

Hi Isabella. Yeah my friends have been a great source of support during this although I haven't talked to them as much lately as I have had to begin home-schooling due to other health issues. I think that Catholicisms being unfriendly towards homosexuals probably had a part to play in my religion uncertainty but I don't think it's the whole reason. For a long time now I have never felt super connected to the beliefs but never really had any other options that I connected with either. Also thank you for your kind words and advice, it really means a lot.

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

NonbinaryDragon — Wed, 08 Dec 2021 13:07:42 GMT

I think my attraction to pages beliefs is mostly stemming from my love of history of these ancient cultures and fascination with their mythology. Growing up I loved all these story's about these diffrwnt gods and their interactions with the world. But I was raised that was just the silly things people thought where true before jesus showed up (I'm not joking that literaly what I was told by my dad as a young child). But recently I found out that people do still belive and worship these religions systems and I had never even considered it as an option but now that I am I find it very intriguing.

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

NonbinaryDragon — Wed, 08 Dec 2021 13:08:46 GMT

Hi mmMekitty. I just want to say thank you for the kind words. I have had a bad day and you and everyone else's responses have been so nice!

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

geoff — Wed, 08 Dec 2021 14:26:26 GMT

Hello Quinn, the replies back to you have been excellent and understand that the situation you're in seems to be very confusing.

Just because your parents are religious doesn't mean you have to go down that path once you are old enough to decide for yourself, you are free to make up your own mind, but if you are forced to abide by your parents, unwillingly, then you could become depressed, although I'm not a doctor to qualify.

This can also be extended to how you feel sexually and make you 'feel like they'll invalidate you and hurt you emotionally' and to forget about your grandfather being drunk and arguing with your dad, you can't just stop thinking about it as once again it's going to contravene against your parent's religious feelings, so there are many ideas that you question.

You are free to decide whatever you want to believe in.

Take care.

Geoff.

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

smallwolf — Thu, 09 Dec 2021 12:02:53 GMT

This may sound a little odd. I hope not.

You will find the tribe (of people) you belong to - whether that is related to how you see yourself or your beliefs. And I am sorry you do not seem to be able to find that in your home environment.

From a religious perspective, I have an understanding of where you are coming from my own upbringing. If you want to know more let me know. Except to say there should be nothing wrong with educating yourself. There is value to be found.

Yet you also said you had a bad day... do you want to chat about what happened?

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

NonbinaryDragon — Thu, 09 Dec 2021 12:48:03 GMT

Don't worry it doesn't sound odd, it's very nice talking to people. Yeah it wasn't wasn't great day. My dad had seen the news about Chile legalising homosexual marriage and went of a crazy hour long speech to me and my brother (don't know if I have mentioned my younger brother but he's like a carbon copy of my dad) about how it was sinful that we where letting the 'lefties' infiltrate the world and corrupt people with wokness. Yeah so that wasn't great. He does this a lot though.

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

Isabella_ — Thu, 09 Dec 2021 22:06:28 GMT

That's awful that you have to sit through these lectures with your dad.. It isn't right. How does it make you feel when you hear them? Does he tend to be aggressive to you and your brother while giving them?

I went to a Catholic high school, and it wasn't til then that I actually started realising that those beliefs didn't really resonate with me. I was also raised Christian. I've become content with not having anything next, and also the possibility of something next, but not necessarily as a God.

I think it's great that paganism intrigues you. You will find a lot of Christians will try to demonise you for it. My friends in high school were super into it.. And I think it's so cool to start to find your own beliefs, and find connections to other gods.

How do you feel about the fact that you aren't really close to a religion anymore? Do you think it's important for you to get your spirituality back, and is paganism the way to do that?

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

NonbinaryDragon — Sun, 12 Dec 2021 00:45:11 GMT

When he does these lectures it makes me feel like I don't exist. Like I have told him my opinions on these topics and what I identify as and he just brushes it off like it doesn't matter. And it doesn't help that during the lectures my brother makes a point to agreer with everything my dad says. I think it is important for me to have some sort of belief. Like I do belive that there is a higher power. I am conflicted about leaving Catholicism because it feels like I'm betraying my family. Like they put thousands of dollars to send me to a Catholic school and I feel like I'm wasting that if I convert. Oh and also because it's Sunday today my dads gonna make me watch this priest guy on YouTube for like 2 hours. Not looking forward to that.

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

smallwolf — Sun, 12 Dec 2021 08:44:33 GMT

What would be your reasons for leaving Catholicism?

A separate question... do you feel there is a check list of things to believe and do and you are then good enough?

Or can be you good enough just as you are?

Myself, I am Anglican, but if there is a check list then I would fail badly. This is also something I have spoken with my psychologist about as some of my beliefs differ from others. I also separate beliefs from institutions. If your beliefs are inline with your higher power - in terms of compassion, love, kindness etc, that is all that is required of you.

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

NonbinaryDragon — Tue, 14 Dec 2021 10:40:05 GMT

I have done a lot of reaserch into Catholicism and other religions and I'm not really sure how to describe it. Like it just didn't fit with me. I'm not really sure if it's a check list per say, I just don't want my parents to be disappointed in me. It's always been a big fear of mine.

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

smallwolf — Tue, 14 Dec 2021 13:05:14 GMT

it is perfectly natural to want your parents to be proud of (or not disappointed) in you.

I would also think at some point you also need to the happy in yourself or true to yourself. What you do or do not tell your parents is really up to you in this matter.

I also wonder if you see your parents as typical Catholics? That is, all Catholics have the same views.

Or is it possible for your views / beliefs to also be valid as a Catholic?

What do you see in the pagan beliefs which attract you?

I have too many questions. Sorry.

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

geoff — Tue, 14 Dec 2021 13:50:02 GMT

Hello NonbinaryDragon, even if for example you do believe in Catholicism there are different degrees of belief, such as, you don't want to go to church, against your father's wishes, then he's still going to be upset with you, everything you do shouldn't be planned about pleasing your parents necessarily, one day you'll have a family of your own and need to develop your own undertakings.

Geoff.

Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

Isabella_ — Wed, 15 Dec 2021 03:41:57 GMT

Of course.. I think it's completely normal and understandable to feel a disconnect with Catholicism because it's being pushed on you so strongly and in a negative light. You don't have to have reasons for why you don't connect with it too.. If it doesn't than it doesn't and that's completely okay.

Fundamentally.. Catholicism teaches compassion, love, acceptance. From the sounds of it your father doesn't align with that based on how he is treating you.. Sometimes I like to think of religion as your own relationship with a God, it's no one else's business. People call themselves Catholics but don't actually possess the values.. They only focus on the "Don'ts".. The things they think are wrong and bad, without focusing on being good themselves.

It's hard because you don't want to disappoint them and you want them to accept you.. Religion and your faith is about you. It stems from love and connection, not force, hate, pressure.. Your dad is wrong for dismissing you and forcing you into something you don't align with without caring about your own beliefs.

Smallwolf has made a great point also.. I think it's understandable to seperate institutions from religion. A lot of parents send their kids to Catholic schools because private schools are at an advantage than state schools in some way.. I hope knowing that might help ease some of the guilt you're feeling.. You aren't wasting anything from them and it's not fair that you're having thoughts of that. They made a conscious choice to send you to the school they did, it's about your education at the end of the day.

If you were to tell your dad that you weren't interested in watching the priest on Sunday.. How do you think he would react? Have you thought of any ways that you could avoid having to sit through the lectures?