topic I hate myself in Young people

I hate myself

constantthinker — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 09:41:56 GMT

I'm semi-new to beyondblue. I visited a few months back but found it difficult to read other people's stories because it made me feel pathetic about myself, which I 100% know is the wrong way to think... but it isn't as simple as knowing that it's the wrong way to think because I don't feel like I can control how I think.

I finish year 12 in two days. I genuinely would rather gauge my eyes out with spoons than finish. It scares me. I've never dreaded anything so much in my entire life. School is my social life and the only place other than home I can feel relatively comfortable.

I get nervous crossing main roads. I get nervous going out, and while I really want to go to parties I get so nervous and awkward while I'm there that I just really want to go home. How am I supposed to live life outside of school?

I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel that way about so many little things that it's just overwhelming. I don't even know anymore what's wrong and it's ruining my relationships with people. I keep saying I'll see someone but I finish school and there's no longer anyone to see, and I'm too socially inept to take myself somewhere like a doctor or whoever I see about this kind of thing.

I let my nerves get the best of me and even though I know how to 'fix' it I just don't think I can. I've lost so many friendships because of it that it hurts me to see these people and think anything but "that's your fault, you could still be their friend." I can't talk to anyone or see anyone about this. If feeling this way was a physical body part I would cut it off.

I don't even know what to say here. I just hate myself. I don't want to be like me because people like me don't get to live a life they want to. I feel like smashing my head against a wall sometimes I just can't stop thinking. I make scenarios in my head and dread everything and cry at night when I can't sleep and I wake up every day and cry sometimes still and question which one of my friends will be next to leave because I don't make an effort with them, all because I'm too afraid.

Not sure what I can really do about feeling this way anymore. These fears have been there since year 7 but in light of certain events in the past few months, and especially leading up to end of school, I just don't think I can continue to hate myself like I do but I just wholeheartedly do. I know it isn't okay if I want to maintain friendships after school's out.

- constantthinker

I hate myself

white knight — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 10:23:10 GMT

Hi CT, welcome

Wr cant diagnose as we have issues and we arent qualified. We can however, see parallrls in our experience and what you are going through.

You said you cant stop tthinking the way you think. Thats kind of true but you can steer your thinking away with diversion.

I have a thread on that atm. Search

Depression- diversion and variety- beyondblue it might even be on google

The theory and it worked for me, was to keep busy so your eyes, ears, skin etc is prompted so your mind doesnt dwell on things.

You can also google these

Topic: nip it in the bud- ideas- beyondblue

Topic: who cries over spilt milk?- beyondblue

Finally, many of our thoughts t g e way you described them are unrealistic. This confition needs guidence and you would be wise to consult your GP.

I did and I'm so glad I fixed up my drifting mind.

Tony WK

I hate myself

Mathy — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 12:22:27 GMT

Hi Constantthinker and welcome 🙂

Y12 is a very tough year, not just because of the end of year exams and the importance of those, but the pending loss of your social networks, as everyone goes their own way after high school. I understand why that is scary, especially if you live with anxiety anyway.

Let’s do baby steps 🙂

Firstly, nothing is going to stop the end of Y12, so best thing to do, is try to put the worry to one side, put your best foot forward and complete your assessment as best you can. Focus on doing this.

Next, it seems that you’re very anxious. Can you make a long appointment with your GP in order to speak about this? If not your GP, how about a Counsellor at your high school - they may be able to refer you to some services especially for young people, in your area.

Take one step at a time 🙂

I’m very mindful that you wrote Y12 is ending in 2 days, so the last thing we really want is for you to get wound up whilst you have exams etc to do. Smiling Mind is a great smartphone app (available for free at the usual places for Apps) - it’s got some great breathing exercises/meditations on it - one of the quickest ways to help soothe anxiety is deep breathing, because it relaxes you and calms the mind. This help to put you back in a space where you can think properly. This would be very useful for you in the next couple of days, to get you through end of Y12.

Please let us know how you’re going, all the best cheers M 🙂

I hate myself

BballJ — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 12:31:00 GMT

Hi constantthinker,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. You were right to come back here and I know many people think their problems are tiny compared to others but end of the day, your problems are your problems and no less important that anyone else's. I am glad you came back to seek help.

Year 12 is tough but from what I gathered this isn't a year 12 issue more a social issue and your struggles with that. Correct me if I am wrong of course. I personally have suffered from anxiety for around 10 years now and I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. It is so very tough when you have all these emotions in your mind and can't exactly express them. Mental health is a beast but it can be overcome. I know you said you don't really want to visit a doctor but I can not stress it enough about how beneficial it will be for you if you can go and see your doctor and explain how you are feeling. I have been there as well, not wanting too, not thinking anyone can help me but once you do and you see someone cares, it really does make a difference.

Have you ever spoken to anyone about how you are feeling or have you kept it bottled up inside you this whole time?

Please, post back as much as you like, we are always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

I hate myself

constantthinker — Mon, 23 Oct 2017 10:32:25 GMT

Hi all, thank you for your responses, I will look into the meditation apps

Mathy, I kept telling myself I would see a school counsellor but now that school is practically over I'm not sure there are many benefits of going. I know that they may be able to direct me to a GP or some other similar service but I don't like to go places on my own - I struggle walking to the park most times and I don't feel comfortable enough to ask my parents to take me to see one, and public transport doesn't feel like an option with the way I feel.

Jay, I haven't kept it entirely bottled. A few months ago something happened but it has impacted me a fair bit. I had two friends I spoke to and while they listened there is only so much I can say before someone starts to think "okay, you need to move on now."
I've felt these things for a while and my best friend I feel is beginning to get sick of hearing about how it makes me feel, and as someone who is naturally confident but also (like everyone else) gets moments of nerves, to her it's just a matter of "just doing it" and "getting out of your comfort zone." It 100% doesn't feel that easy, but I cannot rely on her to provide the answers when she can't give them. And if it is that easy, then I'm unsure why it is taking me years to just "get over."

I also feel I need to mention that I don't or haven't been told I have anxiety, sorry if I implied I did. I know that these fears are irrational and silly but based on my last visit and the advice I received then I thought that this was the best place to post.

- constantthinker

I hate myself

blondguy — Mon, 23 Oct 2017 11:14:20 GMT

Hello Constantthinker

TonyWK, Mathy and Bballj have great advice above.

You are not pathetic or silly in any way. I think you are amazing by posting in the first place and that makes you a strong individual.

I cant find it right now but we have a thread about Year 12 stress issues from last year. I will do what I can to find it.

At this moment I hope you can see your GP ......Mathy mentioned making a double appointment which is spot on as you will feel a lot better afterwards. The ability to vent here to us is a huge sign of strength. Venting to your GP for a double visit is a lot easier.

I also had some serious anxiety prior to finishing my year 12 as well

Please post back when you have the time

You are not alone

Paul

I hate myself

LuLu_ — Mon, 23 Oct 2017 11:26:03 GMT

Just like you I am almost at the end. I feel like when I take those last steps out of my school gates the bubble around me keeping me safe will pop and I will be alone and scared.

I overthink and overthink. My thoughts spiral and spiral and sometimes I am mesmerised at how deeply I can think about something so simple.

I too have lost friends and I have a lot of guilt and so much self hate. I reached out at the beginning of term 1 this year. It was he hardest thing I have ever done. The only reason I did this was because my best friend said that she felt I really needed to. If my state of mind only effected me and no one else i am not sure I would have reached out. I don’t know where I would be now if I had stayed quiet.

Reaching out I believe is one of the bravest things an individual can do. I hope you find the courage to reach out to someone you trust. I am not saying it will fix everything but it will help you understand why you think certain things and why you do certain things. It is also comforting to know some my secrets are not just mine. They are shared.

But as they say there is life beyond school. I am holding onto that thought with everything that I have.

Good luck. I give you my best wishes x

I hate myself

Mathy — Mon, 23 Oct 2017 11:42:40 GMT

Hey constantthinker, it’s good to see you back.

Yes you did mention that school finished in 2 days, sorry my bad.

I guess there will be one more day to go, by time you get back, school will have finished. Whilst you say that you haven’t been told you have anxiety, your description of how you are affected certainly means that something is going on. Logically you may think the fear are irrational and silly, but your mind and body don’t believe that.

I’m a mathematician - you couldn’t get a more logical, science based person than me. At the start of my Honours year, I started having all sorts of weird physical sensations going on, which culminated in me being unable to get on a train! I have no fear of trains, but it was hot, stuffy, noisy, smelly and I panicked, rang a friend and had myself carted off to Emergency to get checked out. That was the beginning of my Anxiety disorder, the rest of which I won’t bore you with.

What I would say, is that ignoring how you’re feeling isn’t going to fix it. Friends will say “time to move on”, “get over”, but SOME of us need a hand in doing that, doesn’t mean that you’re weak, or they’re unhelpful.

I really feel online might be a good place to start for you, have a look at headspace.org.au - which is the National Youth Mental Health Foundation. There are Centres all over Australia (sorry I don’t know what state you live in). Please don’t say that you live in Northern Australia, because that’s a bit sparse for help. And I would feel devo!

If your best friend drives, then perhaps she could offer practical help in getting you to an appointment. Sometimes dealing with the emotional/anxiety/mental health stuff is difficult for people, no matter how close. Being asked for practical help, like a lift to an appointment, is often easy to do, and can help them to feel they are supporting someone they care about.

I’m so pleased you wrote back 🙂 What are your plans after Y12? All the best, cheers M 🙂

I hate myself

BballJ — Mon, 23 Oct 2017 11:51:46 GMT

Hi constantthinker,

Thanks for your reply. I understand everything you are saying. Sometimes we want our best friends to understand these sorts of feelings but they do not always and sometimes the advice we want to hear isn't something they can give. Sometimes the generic responses are not helpful at all.

I know you said you struggle to get to a GP but I do think it is worth it and I am by no means saying you have anxiety or anything, I have not a doctor but I do know that speaking to your GP is a great first step to understanding how you are feeling. I would also encourage also possibly speaking to your parents I know it is so tough but finding that support from your family is so important.

My best,

Jay

I hate myself

constantthinker — Fri, 27 Oct 2017 11:17:26 GMT

Hi all

I greatly appreciate your responses, sorry I couldn't reply sooner. With graduation and last day of school and whatnot it's all been a bit of a whirlwind. Currently I'm trying to just focus on exams, but I'm still afraid about afterwards... but I guess I'll deal with that when it comes.

Seeing a GP currently doesn't necessarily feel like something to consider for various reasons, or if it is something that I really truly need, I don't think I'm ready for that kind of thing.

LuLu thank you for your input, it's always nice to hear from someone who feels similarly to you. Like you my best friend a while back told me it was something I should consider, but it has always been something I put off. I am on this site at least, and I think maybe it's something.

Currently at this very moment I don't feel bad. I'm listening to music and kind of am procrastinating. But I know this doesn't last - I may find myself crying later or wake up tomorrow in that state. But this is one of the first times I've come here to this site when not feeling miserable and I just felt like sharing that as a little positive

Thank you all
- constantthinker

I hate myself

Mathy — Fri, 27 Oct 2017 12:33:41 GMT

Hey Constantthinker,

I like that you’ve identified feeling better for the moment.

Congrats on finishing high school - it’s a milestone in school life. Exams are finished, and now comes the wait to see what the outcome might be, I well remember that! What have you planned to do after high school?

You do now have some time to think about how to tackles this anxiety issue. Because, it won’t go away with a change of venue =>high school, or => uni, or => job or, => apprenticeship.

As you are a young person, perhaps Headspace might be a good place for you to check out? Summer break, it will give you some time to work on this 🙂

All the best, cheers M 🙂

I hate myself

BballJ — Sun, 29 Oct 2017 11:25:04 GMT

Hi constantthinker,

I like that you came to put a little positivity to your thread and that you are feeling ok, that is good, has the weekend been ok. I know you may not feel like seeing a GP at the moment and no one is underestimating how big of a step it actually is to openly talk about your feelings but if the constant sadness continues I can only suggest how much you may find benefit in seeking professional help.

These forums are exactly what you are using them for which is great.

My best,

Jay

I hate myself

constantthinker — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 07:33:12 GMT

Hi all

I have been a little absent, but I am back. I finished school and everything is worse and horrible, I never wanted to finish school and now that it's done I don't know what to do.

I'm only 17 so I won't be going to schoolies, which I know isn't everything but I feel it will make me feel miserable knowing people are out having fun while I'm at home. Partying isn't even my scene but no one ever asked me if I even wanted to do something, I have no idea why it is bothering me a little bit.

For years I have struggled with sleep but there's always times where it peaks in how bad it is. I'll admit sometimes it is my own doing, but the night before my very last exam I could not sleep and went into the exam 3pm on absolutely zero sleep. Now it's just pretty bad and whenever it's like this I just think and cry and think some more and cry. Music works temporarily, so does reading - but when you can't sleep nothing helps. I've been seeing 5am and I hate these periods of sleeplessness because I'm just alone at night with my thoughts with nothing to do - it's torturous.

I have some casual work at a job I got a little over a month ago and I dislike it. The work itself is fine, but I feel super uncomfortable and find it hard to get to know people. Dealing with money makes me feel antsy. I can't even work full time to give myself something to do because the store is on the freeway and requires a license to get there, so even if I managed to get over my fear of public transport I couldn't take it.

I just feel I've hit a brick wall in life, it's prime time and everyone is having fun and I don't know how to do it. I miss the routine of school, of something definite to do. I have never liked the holidays because the desire to do something mixed with the desire to also do absolutely nothing brings me to a stand-still.

My best friend never has time to see me either. I wish she could spend a little time with me as opposed to always being with her older work friends. I had a rough period a couple of months ago and I'm still getting over it, but I feel like I can't even talk to her anymore. Sometimes I feel insecure that because they are older and know more about life she prefers to be with them over me. She admitted ages ago she'd obviously be more likely to ask them to go out rather than me. I know I'm not a social butterfly but I want to be. I genuinely wouldn't see life's worth without her around

Sorry to unload. I appreciate the support
constantthinker

I hate myself

BballJ — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 12:22:13 GMT

Hi constantthinker,

No need to apologies for unloading, that is exactly what these forums are for. Sorry about the situation you find yourself in. All things considered I do think it is worth seeing a GP about all of this, the way you are feeling and the fact you are not sleeping is just wearing you down even more, I know you said in a previous post you don't think it is required but it may be worth looking at. They can offer so much in the way of guidance and even speaking with a psychologist can be beneficial as they can help you work through the not sleeping aspect and then through some of the social behaviours you have as well. You truly have nothing to lose by doing it.

Regarding the job, is there a chance to get one closer to home full time that doesn't require much travel time? You do need to keep occupied and not doing nothing so keep looking for full time work if possible as well.

My best,

Jay

I hate myself

constantthinker — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 12:54:51 GMT

Hi Jay

I just don't really know how to go about seeing one. I genuinely don't. The prospect of seeing one on my own when my whole life I've had adults to show me how to do things is too daunting to consider.

I have spoken to my mum about my lack of sleep hoping maybe she would want to work it out or even suggest we see someone about it, but each time I've said something she makes no comment. She's all about natural remedies and stuff, and I know in our cupboard we have natural melatonin sleeping pills which I have tried using without her knowledge, but they have done nothing.

And yes, the job is not going to be for long. I plan on finding a new one but seeing as I'm still getting settled I don't want to leave straight away, so I'm giving it a few months.

constantthinker

I hate myself

Mathy — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 14:09:15 GMT

Hi constanthtinker,

I believe at 17yo you are allowed to go and see the GP off your own bat. From the age of 15yo you are entitled to your own Medicare card.

Perhaps headspace.org.au, the young folk mental health organisation, might help. They have physical real life centres as well. If you go to their website, you can see what is available for you locally. You can start this process online, which might be less intimidating.

It’s quite normal to be 17yo and not visited the doctor on your own. There’s always got to be a first time, and it sounds like this is something you need to do.

I’m not surprised that Mum’s melatonin tablets didn’t work for you.

What do you need to happen for you to pick up the phone and ring the GP’s surgery and make an appointment? Or, maybe visit a different GP, perhaps a friend could recommend one? And ring them.

Could you make this something to achieve for yourself in the next 4 weeks?

All the best, cheers M 🙂

I hate myself

BballJ — Tue, 14 Nov 2017 11:55:06 GMT

Hi constantthinker,

I know it can be daunting but I think just starting the initial step of speaking to your doctor about it and taking it one small step at a time, maybe telling your mum that you want to go to a the doctor and speak to them to get a professional opinion on how you are feeling, maybe she will be a little more responsive about it? I know it is not easy and nobody is saying it is but as I said above, small steps. You can get through this.

My best,

Jay

I hate myself

Ulysses — Mon, 20 Nov 2017 05:10:19 GMT

Hi there

you should definitely see a doctor. Your demographics out you at a higher risk. However I also think you should take the pressure off yourself abouthaving friendships. Sure they are important but there are many many people who struggle with this as after all we are social creatures. But friendships can change and not everybody can be a social butterfly all their life. I can name at least ten people I know who struggle with friendships including me. Also I’ve written here before that there are some amazing people in this world who also struggle with friendships such as Nelson Mandela’s, Oprah Winfrey and many many more. A friendship shouldn’t be forced and it shouldn’t define your worth. You are unique and each interaction with others must flow rather than be forced. I’m middle aged and you certainly work this out by then. Go with the social flow.

I hate myself

constantthinker — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 07:35:24 GMT

Hi Ulysses

I came back here because I was feeling lonely. I feel it but sometimes it's so much worse and nothing fixes it and it's so overwhelming, I want to scream. I thought I always wanted someone to vent to but I don't, writing here and unloading doesn't help me like I thought it would. I like to write and that doesn't cut it for me anymore, I get frustrated when people tell me to see someone, or when they say everything will be fine or that I am a good person. Sure, I probably could do with seeing someone, and I know that all storms pass, and I know I am not a bad person. I share what I have to say not only because I want to hear alternative opinions but because I just want to throw myself against a wall with whatever is in my head, and I want someone to care enough to hear my problems when I have them and just listen or show interest in it. When I have no one to turn to these feelings are exacerbated, and now that school is over and I spend every day home alone while everyone is out living their life and I am so sick of it. Writing to myself doesn't help anymore either.

I'm not even asking for advice anymore and I genuinely don't know what I expect from people when I do talk to them, I always just feel slightly disappointed and more heavy with the knowledge that at the end of the day no one can actually put themselves in your shoes and genuinely feel what you do, especially not if they have their own problems. And that isn't anyone's fault I don't blame anyone for that, I obviously wouldn't want anyone to feel as I do or anything like that, but I just don't know how I can feel better about anything anymore when I don't see the point in experiencing these feelings I can't explain or do anything with, they just fester inside or like acid just eats away at you from the inside

Sorry all,
constantthinker

I hate myself

LuLu_ — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 09:59:45 GMT

Hi constant thinker

ive finished school as well. My friends haven’t contacted me and I don’t see the point in trying to contact them.

I don’t know who I am, where i am going or whether i will be here tomorrow. There is so much uncertainty and so much darkness and brutality. Sometimes all you can do is just survive. One minute at a time. If you feel like you can’t take it anymore my only advice if you can’t reach out is to sleep. Be kind to yourself. Rest. Survive.

I am doing mostly nothing. Nothingness seems to follow me. I feel nothing. I am nothing.

I know you don’t want advice but I just want to ask

is there one thing in your life you like? One thing that takes your mind off the bad for a moment? Perhaps take a moment to notice the small details of your surroundings. A crack in the wall. The light and shadows. The sounds. The colours.

Its true no one can feel, think or understand exactly what you are going through. They can relate to aspects of others experiences. But it is true your experience is solely your own. Your life is your own.

Right now you may feel like you have no where to go. And that is okay. I hear you and I am listening. I have interest in the darkness that follows you.

You don’t have to answer. Please don’t feel any pressure. But you are in my thoughts.

Lulu