topic Mum acting to me like everything is my fault in Young people

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

Terminator_chick — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 01:06:29 GMT

So this has been going on and off for a few days now, I've had 4 marjor brain surgeries it affects my life a lot, my mum gave up her career to look after me and sometimes she says I gave up my career for you she says it like it's my fault, she's been calling me a bitch for no reason, she's been very mad at me for no reason it's just her behaviour, when she has an argument with me she always finds a way to win and finds ways to put me down a lot. This is getting to a point now where I'm just gonna lose it and just run away, she's been treating me like shit lately and I don't know what's going on in her life but I hate it when she takes it out on me. I feel like such a burden to her :,(

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

quirkywords — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 02:45:20 GMT

Chick

welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out.

I feel that you and your mother have both been through a lot. I can not imagine how hard it has been for you to have 4 major surgeries .I think your mum has been through a lot and is obviously very stressed, To see your daughter suffering like you have is very hard for a parent.

Have both of you had any counselling? It is difficult that you feel like a burden . I feel that you have both through such a lot and may need to talk about how you are feeling.

Welcome again ,

Quirky

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

Terminator_chick — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 02:51:15 GMT

We both have never had counselling together before, I've been to counselling at youth focus before I'm thinking about going back there and speaking to them again. What I don't know what to do is how to stop my mum putting me down in an argument like if I say something to her on how I feel she keeps blaming me and then she yells at me more it's really hard to stop her doing that

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

quirkywords — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 03:30:43 GMT

Thanks for replying.

As a mother I know sometimes when a mother is stressed she may take it out on her children. Has your mum ever had counselling on her own. it sounds like she has her own problems .

When she starts blaming you how do you react? Do you argue back, or stay silent or move away?

Are there times when she is calm and kind to you or is she always putting you down?

Can you talk to your dad?

Quirky

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

Terminator_chick — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 15:36:39 GMT

I stay silent a lot when she does other times I say to her what is it my fault then she starts having a go at me and says it is, I tried talking to my dad once about it coz she took it out on my dad and said something that really did some damage to him she said one day your gonna wake up and find me gone out of your life and she only said that over one small argument, I tried talking to my dad about it he shut me down and I asked what's wrong with mum and he said it's us we treat her like shit and then he got annoyed at me and took it out on me by getting mad. I do admit sometimes I can be a little s*** to her and my brother and sister do but sometimes when she gets angry she takes it out on me sometimes and my dad and very rarely my brother and sister. My mum hasn't had counselling before, I haven't brought up the idea before and I'm too scared to I don't know what I should say to her like I don't want her to get upset, I just want someone to make sure she's ok coz sometimes when she's not she doesn't really talk to anyone about it

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

Terminator_chick — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 15:39:59 GMT

There are times when she is calm and kind to me she's not always putting me down in arguments but I've noticed lately she's been doing it a little more frequently she never did this to me she's only like done it once every few months but now it's kinda becoming daily

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

Terminator_chick — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 15:45:23 GMT

When she blames me I stay silent most of the time and when I try to say how i feel she yells at me and blames me again sometimes I just walk away and later she feels bad and is nice to me. I have tried talking to my dad once and he shut me down by getting angry at me I do remember once he agreed with me and told me to just say sorry anyway it's the way she sometimes is

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

Terminator_chick — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 16:13:02 GMT

Also I'm kinda scared to mention she should come to counselling with me I just want to make sure she's ok

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

geoff — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 16:59:53 GMT

hello Chick, having one operation on the brain is bad enough, but 4 is frightening and I'm really sorry for you, and then to be continually criticised is way out of bounds and disrespectful.
Is there someone else who can look after you, whether this means moving out of your parents maybe an option. Geoff.

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

Terminator_chick — Mon, 23 Oct 2017 02:51:16 GMT

Unfortunately I can't move out I wish I could

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

quirkywords — Mon, 23 Oct 2017 03:23:02 GMT

Chick,

Thanks for your post.

I am wondering if there is someone at your school , like a trusted teacher or counsellor you can talk to.

I assume your mum does not know you are on this forum.

I wonder if there is an adult, an uncle or aunt or cousin who knows your situation who could help. Maybe some one in the medical profession you can trust and maybe could talk to your mum.

Quirky

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

Terminator_chick — Mon, 23 Oct 2017 08:36:41 GMT

There is counsellors at my school sometimes they are helpful sometimes I go and talk to them so they listen and I have someone to talk to.

i think I could talk to my Aunty and stay the night at hers but sometimes she tells my mum stuff I tell her so I'm hoping she doesn't tell my mum.

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

Terminator_chick — Mon, 23 Oct 2017 12:57:53 GMT

I just spoke to my mum about going to counselling together given what we have been through and she says she's fine she asked me if I want to I told her I'm ok but I'm considering going to youth focus. And that moving around and doing things help her to cope with what's going on with everything and that she's fine she doesn't need to talk to anyone and she said she can handle it herself

She said she hates seeing me in pain everyday and it's hard for her to see the pain I'm in and sometimes that shit gets to her a lot. So now I now why she gets so angry sometimes but it still doesn't explain why she blames me sometimes

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

TessT — Mon, 23 Oct 2017 20:09:20 GMT

It sounds like it is her way of coping. She's not really blaming you, she just doesn't know how else to handle her emotions.
When my father was ill, my mother was constantly at my dad, blaming him for everything, blowing him up when dad couldn't help it, he was ill.
What it was was that mum was highly stressed. She didn't know how to cope. It was too much for her. She needed respite but she wouldn't go on a holiday without her husband.
It didn't mean that mum didn't love dad. It didn't mean that dad did wrong. It was just that it was too much for mum to handle.
My dad handled it by keeping quiet, not saying anything and most importantly, not taking it on board. He just let mum get it out of her system.

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

quirkywords — Tue, 24 Oct 2017 03:53:33 GMT

TessT, you explained that's so well. You have such insight and explained it so clearly about how your mother coped with your father's illness. Thanks you for sharing that as I am sure it would help a lot of people.

Chick, I am so pleased you had a chat to your mum and she could explain how she was feeling. As Tess writes, your mum is not blaming you but she is so overwhelmed with emotions of seeing you in pain, that she does not know what do with all these uncomfortable feelings so sometimes she blames you as a way to cope.

Take care

Quirky

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

amanda_brown — Tue, 24 Oct 2017 08:35:38 GMT

My mum and I have a distant relationship and I feel for you. I don't know what the solution is but for me the only thing that worked was to move away from her and take everything out that reminded me of her. When I have to see her I just keep conversation to basic "hi/bye" or small talk so she doesn't get angry. It must be hard on the both of you, sounds like you need a respite from each other, maybe seek a carer from an agency or support place? See what's out there, even if it's just a day here or there to take the pressure off. Hope things improve for you 🙂

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

Terminator_chick — Tue, 24 Oct 2017 13:40:16 GMT

Thankyou so much that helped me a lot understand better 🙂

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

Terminator_chick — Tue, 24 Oct 2017 13:41:07 GMT

Thankyou so much for the advice it helped me a lot 🙂

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

Terminator_chick — Tue, 24 Oct 2017 13:42:53 GMT

Thanks 🙂 I'm actually thinking about spending some weekends at my aunts house my grandmas house or any of my friends house just to take a break for a little while

Mum acting to me like everything is my fault

quirkywords — Wed, 25 Oct 2017 10:00:19 GMT

Chick

I am glad you have a plan that will give you a break. Let us know how you go.

Quirky