topic How do you attempt to deal with your loneliness? in Young people

How do you attempt to deal with your loneliness?

159357 — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 03:54:21 GMT

Looking for some strategies, sorry if i'm leeching.

For the most part i've adjusted to being lonely and I don't talk to me friends online like i used to, just people i don't even know on forums. I don't mind being lonely but the only thing i get super anxious about is being completely secluded, e.g no chance of contact (distance, no internet) and this has lead me to make some poor decisions with friends.

How do you guys do it?'

How do you attempt to deal with your loneliness?

white knight — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 08:38:58 GMT

Hi ewrc, welcome

How do I do it? Carefully!!

With some new friends I find over time I'm not compatible with them through no fault from them. I'm not very tolerant and feel crowded if contacted too often.

I find I'm better with people with a common interest like vintage cars, model aircraft etc. And I join subsequent forums. But I wouldn't dare join any local men's shed as I would be in contact with those guys too often.

So its a balance that sometimes one can't get right. One person called me "fickle". But I can own that. I know it isn't my fault and I try to keep my distance for harmony.

We can't all be social butterflies. So accept you aren't one and find strategies to find a couple if close friends. Locally there must be sports or hobby groups that you can join. Badminton, table tennis, etc if you can mingle with them. I know when I flew model planes guys would visit often to share ideas and build together. Again that was good because we had a common hobby. But I still felt crowded.

Thats some ideas but it's a hard question to answer. Do you have hobbies?

Tony WK

How do you attempt to deal with your loneliness?

Guest_322 — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 08:41:26 GMT

Hi Ewrc,

Please don't apologise- it's all good. I don't think you're "leeching" at all so I hope that reassures you a little. I actually think many people will find your thread helpful .

Loneliness is a horrible feeling that I think so many of us struggle with (myself included). You do seem very isolated at the moment. You mentioned that you chat on forums- and as wonderful as that can be- I wonder if it's enough? As in, do you have much, say, face-to-face or even phone contact with people?

But to answer your question about coping with loneliness. Here's what I've personally found helpful:

- purposely going to crowded places to be around other people (without necessarily talking to anyone). Sometimes the mere physical presence of others can be reassuring.

- writing down your feelings (diary, Google docs, etc...anything goes).

- creative pursuits can often be a great friend when I feel lonely so maybe try channeling some of that lonely energy into music, drawing, etc.

- picking up the phone and calling a helpline

- regular contact with friends.

- join a personal interest group (e.g. sports, music, etc) to meet like-minded people. It could be face-to-face or it could be online.

Hopefully this helps a little.

Dottie x

How do you attempt to deal with your loneliness?

159357 — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 09:21:53 GMT

Thanks for the post. I'll remember those things but for now:

I go to crowded places (parties, school even), but my loneliness is different.

I see people often and have 'friends' but after encountering someone that can be the best person imaginable, nothing else seems to suffice.

Another unfortunate thing is that my graphics tablet for drawing is broken! So i've been trying to fix that, even though i find it incredibly hard to draw. So i undertook penspinning a few days ago, though it's very hard and i'm trying my best not to drop it.

How do you attempt to deal with your loneliness?

159357 — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 09:25:20 GMT

You're described as socially fickle? So you jump back and forth between people? When i first read that i thought it was rather rude in a way, but i just realised i talk with a lot of different people and jump between groups at school multiple times a day, just to see if i'm needed somewhere. But i don't really consider them as someone close, like a real friend, how would you describe your relationship with those people?

How do you attempt to deal with your loneliness?

SubduedBlues — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 09:30:12 GMT

Hi Ewrc

I think I understand what you are referring to. It is not being alone that is the problem, it is the lack of companionship (whether that be through real good mates, or something more intimate), it is the longing for something meaningful.

For the good mates, Tony's advice is worth following. You could also try Meetup, but for the more deep personal stuff... if you find out, please let me know.

How do you attempt to deal with your loneliness?

159357 — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 10:27:42 GMT

Thanks for the reply, I know what you mean but i can't really reply. Once i start to think straight again (hopefully tomorrow) I'll reply properly.

How do you attempt to deal with your loneliness?

white knight — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 11:10:33 GMT

Hi,

Re: "But i don't really consider them as someone close, like a real friend, how would you describe your relationship with those people"

Not close. I have, following decades of disappointment have surcomed to having mostly superficial friends. But my wife? That's another story.

My wife is my soul mate. Is a soul mate what you need?.

Yes "fickle" is what I've been referred to and I wasn't referring to you as being the same , that's for you to decide. What I was meaning us we can't all be all things to all people.

Its a good post you've started. They'll be many members reading that can relate to us commenting.

Subdued Blues makes sense.

Tony WK

How do you attempt to deal with your loneliness?

159357 — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 11:59:53 GMT

In that post I attempted to explain how I could also be fickle. Though this may be rude, could you please outline behaviors and things like that about friends that may be bad for you?

I'm really happy that you're confident that the person you're with is your soulmate, makes me happy for some reason.

How do you attempt to deal with your loneliness?

white knight — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 13:03:47 GMT

Not rude at all. That's why we're here.

Behaviours that grate with me mainly include-

Those that are insensitive...yes I'm sensitive beyond normal. This trait us the most clear reason I'm fickle. My sensitivity is due to dysthymia a depressive condition. Add biploar2 to that and I'm a really sensitive soul.

That compartmentalise people eg that have mental illness or are gay or are non religious etc

Intimidating

Controlling, revengeful or manipulative (I have a manipulative mother)

thats most of it. Hence a long time ago I set about finding the ideal mix if country living (reduced stress), soul mate (ultimate happiness and company) and lifestyle.

I covered this in a thread I wrote. Google

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Tony WK

How do you attempt to deal with your loneliness?

Tiffany1 — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 15:12:29 GMT

Hey ewrc!

I know how you feel, I struggle with this a lot. Sometimes it gets so bad I have to go on omegle and search for people with the same interests as me! (I have very strange and niche interests so those searches do not always yield results, hahahahaha)

I find scrolling social media is incredibly unhelpful in making me feel a part of a social group. It just looks like everyone's having fun and here I am scrolling through my facebook feed. There's also people I can't stand and yet can't seem to avoid on social media. Haha.

I used to be a lot more clingy and needy as a friend, but I think it just drove people away. I found enjoying your own company helps immensely, do things for yourself on your own! Make it a fun thing!

I started becoming happier with all my relationships when I stopped taking them so seriously (ironically enough). And this might not be helpful advice for you, but being more objective about my own loneliness helped me. Then you can be upfront about it to people and say/text/message them hey I'm bored/lonely/sad/jealous, let's hang out. let's watch a movie. let's just have coffee/food. come over to my place and play video games. Share some memes. Ask someone about something they've got expertise on. Get into trending topics so that you have a wider pool of people to engage with.

Remember it's ok to feel lonely and like you're on a shitty island by yourself. but hopefully you find ways of managing this, and open yourself to some people you might not have considered friendship material before. Hope you feel better in time.

How do you attempt to deal with your loneliness?

159357 — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 21:00:01 GMT

@Tiffany

The thing about me is, i love clingy friendships. I'm extremely clingy but i hold it back when i can. The reason i like people being clingy and endorse it is because it's my fallback. If i have any doubts if they actually like me or not i can tell from their clingy-ness, and whenever someone is clingy, it makes me really happy.

@Tony

Thank's for the helpful thread. I also seem to have those particularities with people, even though it may be hypocritical of me. I'm so clingy it can be taken as controlling, which causes some problems, has that happened to you?

How do you attempt to deal with your loneliness?

white knight — Wed, 30 Nov 2016 04:48:18 GMT

Yes it has happened that a few friends have felt smothered by my need for regular contact.

But, as I gave a controlling mother I have fought hard to NOT be like her. But as we know, if it's in our make-up its part if us and no point fighting it too much.

Ive lost a school friend a few years ago (I'm 60yo so its a long time) because he wouldn't ring me...it was in my eyes a one way friendship. However when I pressured him about it he got angry and spelt out the reasons why...eg he had an I'll aged mother, he worked long hours, had two young children and a possessive wife. Had I realised all thus I wouldn't have mentioned it. Our friendship dropped away regardless but its a good example if having too high expectations.

Another concern with possessiveness is balance of attention. You can google thus thread I started for some good reading-

Topic: the weighing scale effect on friendships- beyondblue

not suggesting you are that way inclined but it might be of interest.

Also

Topic: ostracised, who's fault is it?- beyondblue

By being clingy it could open you up to being vulnerable. This can come at a price. Here is why....

Topic: defending yourself, don't be an easy target- beyondblue

Hope you find it all good reading

Tony WK

How do you attempt to deal with your loneliness?

159357 — Wed, 30 Nov 2016 05:39:41 GMT

@Tony

Thanks for all the good replies. I don't think i've lost many friends due to my clingyness, though i'm only 14 so i wouldn't have had many opportunities for that to happen. These next school hoildays (the 6 week one) i've aimed to not talk to really anyone that i know i real life. It won't kill any friendships because all of mine a built some by happiness as utility. So people often come to be as a backup plan, which allows chance for friendship. Very recently (as today) i've noticed that i've been talking to a wider range of people that seem to not really push me away but seem to be undecided and try out a friendship.

Losing a friendship due to clingyness, i feel, would bring a lot of pain to the person who lost the friend as losing people that you are clingy with is hard, i couldn't imagine what it would be like to have your affection for a person be the reason to lose them.

How do you attempt to deal with your loneliness?

white knight — Wed, 30 Nov 2016 09:33:30 GMT

Hi ewrc

you are mature beyond your years. well done

There is a balance to achieve. One that is in between over thinking these things and just being yourself and allowing your character to attract friendships naturally.

Hope you'll find that sweet spot.

Tony WK

How do you attempt to deal with your loneliness?

159357 — Wed, 30 Nov 2016 11:39:53 GMT

@Tony

I think i must've found the sweet spot very recently, which is why i manage to speak to people as they're less hostile because school is almost over and exams are finished. Thanks for all your time, it's helped me grow my repository of knowledge of people (anthropology??). Good Luck and enjoy life!