topic Ex depressed in Young people

Ex depressed

Livlucy — Mon, 21 Nov 2016 04:58:42 GMT

So little over a week ago now my boyfriend told me that he couldn't do it anymore, and that he wanted to break up. He had told me about a month prior that he had been feeling depressed for over a year now, but I was the first and only person to know. He told me that I had inadvertently pushed him to want to get help, but that he didn't want to hurt me in the process or drag me down with him.

I am trying my best to not take it personally, and I really don't want to give up on him. I told him I would be there in whatever way he wanted, and he has so far decided to remain in my life and has come to me when he has had days worse than others. We are still talking most days, and we have seen each other in person and talked over the phone too.

he is my best friend and I want him to be happy again, but I must admit it hurts me to think I couldn't help him enough. I am very confused as to how to deal with not abandoning him when he is at his most vulnerable, but also with dealing with my own sadness with the breakup.

Ex depressed

SourceShield — Mon, 21 Nov 2016 05:16:01 GMT

Hey LivLucy!

I feel that the best thing that you can do for him, at the moment, is to honour is request.

What youre feeling is a natural part of the loss .

The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost - okay, so he isnt dead but a loss of a relationship, is still a loss!.

They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling.

They can happen in 5mins or over a period of days, months and even years.

So, what you are feeling is normal and natural.

Right now - its very important for you to also honour your own self, and keep your psychology healthy.

Sometimes, we must love the ones we love...from a distance.

Communicate with him, that you love him, and that you support him.

And, then reverse-engineer that process...and say that to yourself - Be here for you now too.

As you stay healthy and strong, you will be a lighthouse for him..your healthy outlook, will be an inspiration for him, when he needs a little extra support.

Look up 'healthy boundaries' - this is when we must assert ourselves.

We keep ourselves and our values out in the open with those that we are communicating with.

We say - this is okay with me, and this is not.

Its really important.

Your feelings are valid too.

Often times people that are experiencing depression, can without knowing, bring others 'down' with them as well...we dont mean to at all, so you must keep yourself emotionally safe.

I am glad that he is getting help...thats huge and needs to be fully encouraged, but dont forget that if you need some extra assistance with this too - there are people that YOU can speak to, too.

There is a freecall number for BeyondBlue, and Lifeline, for example.

There are also plenty of great resources here as well, for those people that have friends, family and loved ones that are experiencing depression...so take a good look around.

Stay in touch.

Stay safe.

Cry when you need to, let it all out, okay sweetheart?

We are here for you.

MuchLove

Ex depressed

Livlucy — Mon, 21 Nov 2016 06:53:35 GMT

Hi thanks for getting back to me

the first few days following the break up I thought I was doing the best thing by not talking to him, but he kept approaching my brother at work (I work with not only my ex, but my brother) to ask how I was and kept mentioning how he didn't want to break up with me but thought he was doing the best by me. So I approached him about where the boundaries were and he told me he wanted to keep talking to me and seeing me in person.

I agreed with him, and a few days ago he came over to visit me (I had knee surgery in the last week too) with the premise of dropping off shoes id left at his house. He ended up staying for over an hour and had cooked me all of my favourite meals.

i think the reason I am finding this so hard is because on the one hand I know that his depression is essentially the cause of our breakup, but at the same time he is not willing to walk away completely. He has essentially pushed away our relationship but he doesn't want to lose me completely.

right now I'm trying to take each day as it comes. I have already started to speak to a psychologist as well, and have my 2nd session coming up soon. I'm just very confused in the mean time.

Ex depressed

SourceShield — Mon, 21 Nov 2016 07:04:51 GMT

Great - you have a action plan.

Glad youre seeing a psych.

That is a very confusing thing indeed - I feel that the depression that your BF is experiencing could also be the cause of his 'hot - cold' thing, thats going on...he is probably thinking that if he does this, as in the break-up, that he is saving you from a lot more hurt in the future.

Young guys...and some older men too...have a bit of a 'hero' complex going on.

So, he's doing his best to keep you safe from his 'stuff' but at the same time when the heart is involved...he cannot help but want to still be with you.

Because he does not know what he NEEDS right now...I feel that its best that you just keep things platonic right now, engaging in a full-on relationship, at the moment, whilst he is still coming to terms with his condition, could actually make things worse for him.

And you dont want that.

You still really care for him.

Again, dont let his condition beat you or get you all depressed either - thats no good for either of you.

He is feeling weak right now, men hate that feeling especially...really rips at our core - he hates that he is hurting you, and so he does his best to appease you...but then the depression hits him again...and the vicious cycle begins...and around and around you go.

YOU must be the strong one for both of you.

Stick with your Psych and get some strategies in place that are healthy for the both of you, without losing the contact all together.

Stay strong.

Ex depressed

Livlucy — Mon, 21 Nov 2016 07:15:31 GMT

Thank you again for replying

i think your response was probably the most helpful thing anybody has said to be in the past week.

i will just keep having to look back at this when I start to question myself again

Ex depressed

SourceShield — Mon, 21 Nov 2016 07:16:55 GMT

Hey,

Thats all g!

You take good care of you.

MuchLove

Ex depressed

Livlucy — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 06:14:41 GMT

I thought everything was going well.

but today he came over and I just let all of my feelings out. I told him how his decision was not what I wanted and how being without him was excruciating.

but he was so distant about everything. He tried to make me feel better by telling me to keep positive yet it was just so frustrating because he won't even listen to his own advice.

He told me that he believed I loved him, but that he didn't deserve it.

i don't know what to do. By giving him space I feel like I'm abandoning him but I also can't keep going on with the mixed signals.

Ex depressed

Livlucy — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 06:27:10 GMT

He said how he was really a horrible person and how he couldn't let me see that horrible person come out, and so that's why it was necessary to break up.

I feel like he has broken up with me all over again. I just have nothing left

Ex depressed

pipsy — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 06:36:49 GMT

Hi LivLucy. Your bf sounds as though he is all over the place with his emotions. When someone is depressed, their thinking is extremely 'cloudy'. I think it could be beneficial now for you to tell him his continued on- again off- again presence in your life is disturbing as you need peace too. Tell him straight he needs to sort out where he is emotionally before he can commit to anyone. I think also now might be a good time to ask him to cease and desist all contact as he is confusing you and him. I realize this is going to be hard but he is 'playing' with both of your emotions and that is not healthy. You need to care for you and his attitude of appearing then leaving is not helping.

Lynda

Ex depressed

SourceShield — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 06:53:46 GMT

Hi LivLucy,

I agree with Pipsy 100%.

You wrote -

"I thought everything was going well.

but today he came over and I just let all of my feelings out.

I told him how his decision was not what I wanted and how being without him was excruciating".

I totally get that you really felt that you needed to say this to him, but from his perspective...that wouldve been a lot of emotional-info to download in a moment.

And, he's just not that emotionally-healthy enough to process all that properly, the way you need him to.

You are both at different places now.

Thats not your fault.

Thats also not his...he is unwell.

Just like we dont rush people with influenza to hurry up and get better, just 'cause their sickness maybe inconvenient to us...he is unwell, and he must recognise this for himself.

And, he must be 'treated' properly, for this, as he is unwell.

Perhaps this sense of abandonment that you are sensing, is more about you, than him?

Another reason why the two of you, spending this time to take care of yourselves...is really important.

Depression is a ghastly companion - it makes us say and do things...that we really wish we didnt do or say!

But, youre not helping him, or yourself, by allowing this to carry on as it is.

The next move is yours...

Are you still seeing the psych?

MuchLove&Support

Ex depressed

Livlucy — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 08:20:18 GMT

Since he left today I have thought about it, and I think this is what I want to say to him

"I apologise for how I acted this morning, but I have had all of those emotions welled up in my head for the last two weeks with no escape. I am not making it easy for you or myself though by carrying on that way.

After you left today I decided what is best for me right now. I know you don't think you deserve it but I care about you so much, and I want to be in your life.

But if that is to happen at some point then I need to distance myself for the moment. I'm not going anywhere, I'm still here to chat with when you really need to.

I admit this is going to be hard for me, I feel like I am doing exactly what you expected me to do. You told me that you expected me to walk away if we stayed together, and I feel like I'm letting you down in some way. But it isn't the case, I just need some space from you for the moment so you can figure out what is best for you.

But talking right now is too painful. I am getting way too many mixed messages from you. And so at least for the next 4 weeks minimum I need this break from conversation and then I will reevaluate where I'm at and you can let me know where you are at.

In saying that though, I really want you to get help. I know better than anyone that you won't do anything unless you want to, but you said I was the one who pushed you to want to get better, and I really hope that is the case. If you really want me in your life you can't ignore this any longer, because it is not going to get better on its own.

I cared about you before us, and I still care about you now, and I'm always going to care.

Im not giving up on you, I know you don't believe in yourself but I do. And nothing you can say will change that because I know what I'm about."

I'm not sure whether that is too much for him after today

Ex depressed

SourceShield — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 08:27:46 GMT

Well done.

You're being very brave.

I encourage you to stay strong.

He may not understand all your words, right away...but in time, they may very well sink in more.

But, thats actually not whats important, in that, youre asserting your need to stay healthy, and that you still do really care for him...but, things cant keep continuing the way they have been.

You deserve peace of mind.

Thats fair enough.

Your feelings are valid.

Youre gonna need some support to get you through this, so stay in touch with us.

Stay with your psych.

Keep yourself active...to distract the brain, in a healthy way.

Stick to the basics...eat well, stay hydrated, sleep well...all the simple things do add up, and help us when we are stressed, and anxious.

You are not alone.

MuchLove

Ex depressed

Livlucy — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 09:14:03 GMT

I sent it through to him via messenger. As much as we both hate communicating important things via that avenue, I felt that if he had my feeling written there in concrete at least he may be able to look back at some point and understand. Like you said, he may not take any of it in now.

And I am definitely sticking to my psych for the foreseeable future. The one thing I want most right now is to be physically active, but unfortunately this all occurred right as I went in for surgery on my knee so I have been trapped in my home.

I'm definitely looking forward to exercising though, that is the one thing I really enjoy and that can help me focus on myself.

And I definitely will update you all on how things progress. I am finding it so therapeutic to voice my feelings on here and it really is helping.

Ex depressed

SourceShield — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 09:44:13 GMT

Thats awesome.

Love your work!

Stay strong.

Sorry to read about the knee though - May you have a swift and painless recovery!

Keeping the mind occupied, is also a great way to stay active.

You express yourself very well, with written word, have you thought about writing prose or poetry...to express how you feel?

Art and music are really good too...theres a lot of study that has gone into how music can affect the mood, in positive ways.

Art...can be therapeutic, when facilitated properly.

Reading up and doing some research of your own about how depression 'works' will also help you to better understand your friend, because it is clear that you care, very deeply for him.

When you guys to catch up again, youll be armed with more knowledge, understanding...and compassion!

On that note, on a deeper emotional level - I feel sad for you.I know how I felt after my first heartbreak.

I bawled my eyes out.

The guy that I was into...just wasnt into me!

That sux.

If I could give you one piece of advice - please do your best to not allow this experience to make you bitter about love and relationships.

You're still young, in this case, thats a good thing!.

You will be okay.

You may feel that right now...that its all crumbling to pieces, but this will pass.

And, youll be stronger.

Sometimes when stuff like this happens in relationships...some people become rather jaded and bitter.

Dont let that happen to you.

Stay sweet natured, caring and thoughtful.

Im glad that youre getting so much out of sharing how it is for you...we learn from you too!.

MuchLove

Ex depressed

pipsy — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 10:35:53 GMT

Hi Livlucy. Well done on sending the message. No doubt it will 'throw' him, but it might make him stop and think about what he is doing to both of you. Concentrate on you and stay strong for your future. We are always here for you, you need never feel alone. If it's right and meant to be, it will be.

Lynda