topic 21/F - I've hit the wall. in Young people

21/F - I've hit the wall.

Ironbark — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 04:46:14 GMT

Hi all,

I've signed up here after endlessly googling and trying to understand the dense fog thats surrounded my brain for 10 years. My life is a picture of wasted potential. I barely function, I get upset and angry whenever I'm questioned, my head constantly feels like it's going to explode. I used to enjoy art and music, but now they just seem like distant pleasantries that someone else with my face used to enjoy. When I flip through my old sketchbooks I feel like I'm holding someone else's property, someone else's dreams and desires, someone that used to soar through the clouds while I'm here with my feet stuck in tar. I fantasise about terminal illness and death, as I feel that would easier explain my complete lack of life to friends and family. Depression ate my personality and I don't know how to redevelop it.

I'm not sure what I expect posting here, maybe someone else feels the same way. Any advice would be welcomed, as I feel like theres no escaping the hole.

21/F - I've hit the wall.

Kazzl — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 06:37:03 GMT

Hi Ironbark, welcome to the forum, it's good to meet you.

Brain fog is, unfortunately, quite common for those of us with depression and related disorders. I've been through it and it's horrible, so I feel for you. I still get it from time to time, but it's not persistent for me.

Do you mind if I ask some questions? Only answer if you want to of course.

Firstly have you discussed it with your doctor or a psych? And are you on medication? I ask because from what I understand some medications can cause this effect. It might be that a change of medication could help you.

If you're not on medication, perhaps that's something you could consider, even if just for a time to 'lift' you over the immediate depression and help you think more clearly.

Do you have some self-care strategies (exercise, mindfulness, sleep etc)? For example, I find if I don't get enough sleep I can't think straight. It's easy to become chronically sleep deprived without realising.

I also find that my depression can become worse if I 'feed' it - getting more depressed, anxious and worked up because I'm depressed. That's a hard one to break, but I try now to just accept it, go with it, let it pass. Somehow not trying to fight it or allow it make me worse seems to help.

I hope that's useful Ironbark, and I hope you'll stay with us and keep posting. There are many good people here who will no doubt have helpful thoughts.

Best wishes to you

Kaz

21/F - I've hit the wall.

Lonely22 — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 10:22:46 GMT

Ironbark, love the pic!

i have severe OCD, so I can emphasise with feeling constantly frustrated, annoyed at otherwise typical, mundane things. Idk I'm sure what you have to contend with is much more confronting, but it's like no amount of medication can help. It just makes me feel exhausted and can't be bothered trying to change my life. I'm 22, finishing uni and I try to get motivated for things I used to, like video games, painting (yeah I love it too) but everything in my life now feels 'tainted' or ruined b/c of what I am today, what I've become since finishing high school, being alone, anti social, all the while my depression, anxiety, OCD have controlled me. I want so much to connect with people like you, that I can relate to, I just don't know where to look. And I've never fit in with any group, sub culture, so I'm always lost 😞

21/F - I've hit the wall.

Ironbark — Thu, 05 Jan 2017 12:28:45 GMT

Hi Lonely22, apologies for the last response, . I am 21 and feel similarly to you, I struggle to find friends who understand the struggle with mental health, maybe we can help each other 🙂

21/F - I've hit the wall.

Zeal — Thu, 05 Jan 2017 23:34:24 GMT

Hi Ironbark,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear that depression has had such an overwhelming effect on your life. While it's sad that you no longer find pleasure in art and music, it is great that you've kept past sketchbooks. You could get back to this practice of sketching/drawing in the future, when your mental health is more under control.

While I don't have depression, I can relate to 'brain fogginess'. I've had that with my anxiety/OCD, which is a pain when I need to focus. This inability to think clearly or concentrate increases my anxiety, as I end up procrastinating and then being behind in areas of my life such as study. It's an unhelpful cycle.

Kaz has given you helpful tips on coping with depression. There are great resources to work through on a site called Centre for Clinical Interventions. On the homepage, go to Resources, consumers. There are info packages for different mental health conditions, including depression.

If you don't mind me asking, who would you say is the most supportive person in your life? Maybe there is more than one person.

Best wishes,

Zeal

21/F - I've hit the wall.

Lonely22 — Sun, 08 Jan 2017 10:35:54 GMT

I'd like that, ironbark,

no need to apologise for late reply, it's great you're back.

I'm afraid of expressing personality because it may be a sign of vulnerability, something others can exploit, idk. Ever since being bullied throughout senior high school I'm reluctant to show emotion, I want to come of as indifferent to everything, which unfortunately includes what was once my social life, (I wasn't fun company to be with later on) and then just being socially awkward, self conscious in public, and so on.

I used to think about terminal illness pretty frequently as a way out of my mental issues, a kind of 'loophole' to my religion, a substitute for suicide. I'm more devout now but that was what I wanted.

Let me tell you, I would give anything to have a friend like you. Obviously I don't know you. But you describe someone I can relate to, emphasise with. Someone I've never had an opportunity meet.

As for wasted potential, whatever shortcomings in your past, they've contributed to who you are right now, and I'm certain that's a positive.

The lower you go (geographically), the less fog in your way. I've been at low points in life recently, they've allowed me to realise the potential in life not yet discovered. There's more to life than just my teenage years, those missed opportunities... Because more opportunities are arising every day, I just have to have faith in that and learn from my past mistakes. this mental illness I'm facing, its present in me right now, but it isn't me. It's with me, but it isn't a part of me.

I hope I hear from you soon,

take care of yourself 🐬

21/F - I've hit the wall.

Sighhh — Tue, 14 Mar 2017 13:21:38 GMT

Hey Ironbark,

I opened your post because I am also 21 and female feeling like I've hit a wall. I was driven to reply to you because your post was written almost poetically and I wanted to share that I have recently discovered spoken word poetry. I love watching youtube videos of people performing their work but I have also started writing my own poetry to help me work through difficult emotions. You clearly have an aptitude for writing so perhaps this could be something that might help you too?