topic Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest? in Long-term support over the journey

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

livm88 — Thu, 08 Dec 2016 06:03:36 GMT

I'm in my first ever relationship (he is too), that started at the end of July this year (so a bit over 4 months now). He's 25, i'm 28. It started out very strong, he really pursued me (asked me out, arranged all the dates, called and texted me every day, including selfies and funny pics, we'd have 30 min phone conversations). After two months we even went away together during the week for the night (which was great).

Everything seemed so romantic then, but not long after this he got a second job, working 7 days a week with the two jobs (including early mornings and nights). He has admitted he loves to work and if he has free time he will find work to do because he doesn't like the way he thinks/his mind wanders if he does nothing.

So I started to adapt to this, and not expect as many calls/communication etc. We still see each other at least 2-3 times a week, sometimes even 5 times on odd weeks. We usually go somewhere to walk and eat pizza, like the beach (which I like), then Saturday night might spend the night at one of each other's houses.

We seem to move pretty quickly with everything, including his suggestion that I could live with him. The problem with this is, he lives with two Indian couples (he is Indian also), they're all from the same region, and while they can speak ok English, when i'm there I feel he doesn't make enough effort to speak English, and it makes me uncomfortable, sitting in silence while they rattle off in their language (which is not Hindi.....so learning that would be practically pointless, even though they do know it). I've told him a few times how I feel and this is why i'm not sure about moving in with him, but his response is always that I have to learn Hindi then it will be much easier and that I have to try things to know if they'll work or not.

A similar issue has been occurring lately though...many times when he asks me out, he later sends a message after i've said yes that one of the couples are coming too. Last time this happened, the three of them all spoke in their language most of the time, only speaking token remarks or questions in English to me. I was most annoyed by my boyfriend, who I felt ignored by that day. Also, while we're alone but in public, he packs on the PDA, but when we're with this couple he backs off (even though they're openly affectionate).

He seems to love me, when we're together he shares everything, but I'm starting to wonder if he's begun taking me for granted?

Thanks a lot 🙂

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

Anony18 — Thu, 08 Dec 2016 07:31:51 GMT

HI livm88

I'm a person who worries alot too and also had my doubts about my current relationship with my partner - is he losing interest or not. It is hard of course that he works alot which consumes alot of his time. In addition it is also hard when because of lack of communication you unsure how he feels now.

I do not know your partner that well so I am unsure why he is acting the way he is. The only way to find out is to speak to him and find out why he been acting the way he does of late. Communication is key and establishing compromises and boundaries.

Hope that helps. Good luck!

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

livm88 — Thu, 08 Dec 2016 08:51:58 GMT

Thanks Anony18,

I guess what you've said is plain and simple....the truth. I'll have to communicate with him. I guess it's the hard part, bringing up serious feelings like the one's i've been having.

Olivia 🙂

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

pipsy — Thu, 08 Dec 2016 11:01:57 GMT

Hi livm88. Why should you have to learn his language? I find his attitude extremely rude and offensive. He's speaking a foreign language with his mates, in front of you. Each time he asks you out, he invites his mates along. He is taking it for granted that you are going to accept without question everything he suggests or does. I think perhaps it's time you told him how you feel, ask him exactly what his feelings for you are. I question whether his feelings are genuine, he seems unwilling to show affection in front of others. It could be a cultural thing, but for your own peace of mind, you need to know how things are. If his feelings are genuine, he should not be ordering you to learn his language. Does he speak English at work? I realize Australia is multicultural, but mixed-race relationships can cause problems with language difficulties, shared living etc. Some men have certain expectations of where women should be in the relationship.

Lynda

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

livm88 — Thu, 08 Dec 2016 11:31:24 GMT

Thanks Lynda!

Glad i'm not the only one who finds it offensive (my mum also agrees). It's mostly just been he and I on outings, but lately more with friends...

I sent him a polite message today saying when you read this message I want to talk sometime. He did end up calling just now after work, and I wouldn't go into depth, but he obviously understood, when I said "I can't remember what it was I wanted to say", he said "I know why, it's something you want to say in person." Which I said yes of course. But no indication of when that will be (I mean we live 10 mins away, he could easily have popped in just then on his way back from work (new job in the suburb next to mine, and my suburb is on the way back before his...all I needed was 30 minutes!).

He definitely has to speak English at work, so it's not that he doesn't have the ability. I guess maybe he's more immature than he seems on the surface, I'm now wondering? It's the first relationship for both of us....so I guess I have to be somewhat lenient...

But maybe i've got him worried a little and he might start to consider my words? Like it's really something I want/need to discuss.

I guess I'll know by the way he reacts. He's even expressed his opinions on immigrants to other countries very firmly- they should adopt the new country's ways and culture etc....(which in that sense I think he should be lecturing his housemates/friends on this, like one of the guys' wife doesn't speak much English, shouldn't he be happy for us to do so when all together, if she's planning on being here as a citizen with her husband? Wouldn't that make more sense?).

I guess i'll just have to do more anxious waiting (for us to see each other in person...hopefully soon in the next few days!) so we can have an honest discussion.

I really want it to all be ok, I guess relationships aren't too easy?!

Thanks for listening!

Olivia

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

pipsy — Thu, 08 Dec 2016 19:32:51 GMT

Hi Olivia. Sorry to say this, but he doesn't seem to be too worried about what you want to talk about. If he was that keen, he would've arranged to call in on his way to or from work, providing he wasn't starting or finishing too late. As you say, his reactions will speak volumes. Hopefully he will try to compromise to make the relationship flow. Relationships aren't easy, but if the people involved are both wanting to make it work, things can be sorted. If it is a language barrier and he is more comfortable with his own language, you need to discuss this too. How long has he been in Australia, how long have you known him? Perhaps it might be an idea to see what you can learn about his customs if you want to pursue this relationship. He possibly have been raised with certain beliefs and ideals which could mean he may expect certain behaviour from you. I'm not trying to put you off him, but you need to be aware of what he expects, the same as he needs to respect you.

Lynda

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

livm88 — Thu, 08 Dec 2016 23:50:48 GMT

Hi Lynda,

I guess you're right, he doesn't seem worried about what I want to talk about....I guess he's not used to hearing me talk about what I don't like about our relationship (because when I'm with him and want to....I always end up avoiding it!).

It definitely annoyed me yesterday, while he worked 9am-6:30pm, he could have easily dropped by (my house is so close by on his way home!) just for half an hour.

The thing is a few months ago he was REALLY working a lot (like 80hrs some weeks), and still popped over after work at 9/10pm even with having to wake at 4am next morning.....so I don't know what's changed or happening lately for him to be less available...

As for his culture, he seems always keen to tell me about that, I know they value work over many things...I feel sometimes like he holds his culture in very high regard, like it's superior to western culture. Sometimes I feel he bashes my culture too much, and like I don't have traditions or customs (but I did bring this up in the past that it hurt my feelings to have my background put down so much, and we seemed to come to an understanding).

I guess I'll see how our next talk goes....when he decides he's next free!

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

JessF — Fri, 09 Dec 2016 00:24:09 GMT

I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that no-one posting in this thread can speak another language fluently, or has had the experience of having to move to another country, adopt that culture, and speak that language full time. If you did, you would begin to have an idea of how exhausting that is. If you are planning to be in a long-term relationship with someone from another culture who speaks another language, then I personally think it is rude and arrogant to not want to learn their language.

I can understand him speaking his first language at home to his flatmates - this is probably the only opportunity he gets to do it.

Is he "losing interest"? Relationships always have a honeymoon period at the start, where both parties usually ignore the flaws of the other. The next part is the tricky one, working out how you are going to compromise and integrate into each other's lives. Open communication here is the key , and not being afraid to have conflicts and arguments during this phase. Not expecting your partner to be able to mind-read is another part of this. Thinking he doesn't care about you because he didn't come past your house to have a "we need to talk" chat after a long, hard day at work is (I feel) a bit over the top. From what you've recounted of your conversation with him, it sounded very vague as to what your expectations were, and you admit to avoiding difficult discussions.

His worldview on many things is likely to be wildly different to yours. I imagine some of these differences were what attracted you to him in the first place. Have some passionate conversations, and try not to take criticisms of culture so personally.

With him inviting out the flatmates when you are socialising, it sounds like you are feeling excluded in that particular situation. Again, you can talk about that. But I do wonder... have you tried introducing him to any of your friends, for example? Integrating him into your life? Or are you putting yourself on hold waiting for his calls, for him to make the arrangements of what you will do together etc?

My advice is to try not to lose your sense of self, of who you were before this relationship started. Good luck with your honest discussion. It will be the first of many to negotiate as part of a successful relationship!

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

livm88 — Fri, 09 Dec 2016 03:02:25 GMT

Thanks JessF!

A great perspective, a way I guess i've avoided looking at things. That is one of the things that attracted me to him, i've always been interested in Indian culture, always wanted to travel there. And I really would like to learn his language (Hindi too, but his regional language preferably if he'd help teach me).

Now when you say it, I guess it was a bit over the top expecting him to come over after a long day....probably not the best time to have open communication when he's not all there!).

I have hinted a few times next time a friend and I see a movie he could come along. He did drop a subtle hint last time over the phone when I said I was doing this, but I still wasn't sure if he was serious? I know friends would like to meet him!

Thanks for your advice, it really helps! Brightened my day a little,

Olivia 🙂

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

Anony18 — Tue, 13 Dec 2016 10:33:51 GMT

Hi Olivia

Sorry been absent for a bit. Been fairly busy. Had few issues of my own. Expecting your bf to pop by after work to talk may have been a bit too much. Although yes you want to talk and resolve ASAP (I do know the feeling!!!) it sometimes is better talk when he isn't overly exhausted. The important thing is that he recognises that you need talk and so schedules a time soon enough to chat, ie not avoiding it. My bf worked crazy hours and also has a busy life at home. On top he has meds now that makes him drowsy. It makes it difficult when I want to talk but he recognises urgency and tries schedule an available time to chat. I don't know talking about issues over the phone as well so it isn't as simple as him giving me a phone call.

Have you manage chat with him since?

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

pipsy — Tue, 13 Dec 2016 12:31:29 GMT

Hi Olivia. I'm going to agree to disagree a bit on this issue. If you ask someone to discuss a relationship issue, I would be inclined to think an arrangement to meet would be made that suited both parties. I would actually rather a face to face discussion as that way there can be no doubts what both of you want from the relationship. I'm totally against emailing/texting under these circumstances as these messages can be ignored or overlooked. You moving in with him and two flatmates who speak only Hindi could be quite stressful, him telling you this is a requirement, is bordering on control. If it were me I would be asking about them learning English as well as teaching you Hindi. There has to be compromises made between everyone for shared living. Cultural differences also need to be taken into consideration.

Lynda

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

livm88 — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 09:01:32 GMT

Hi Anony18,

I agree, probably better to talk when he's not overly exhausted.....problem is at the moment, he'll be exhausted most days/nights! Only on two days is he doing just one job! But knows that he wont be able to do this for long, as the night job finishes around 12am, then he has to wake up at 4am for the morning job! Not a lot of sleep, can't imagine anyone being able to do this for a long time....he says he'll be giving up the morning job in the new year, to take on more shifts at his new position (duty manager...demands more time than what he's currently able to give them).

We did have a chat, and spent some time together Monday night, but I did feel guilty and stupid for sending the needy message earlier to him, to which he said later he was going to ask me to go out before he'd received it........so i've got to stop sending these kind of messages! He took the next morning off so we could hang out a bit before his other job.

He also brought up something I didn't realise I was doing, in that he says instead of bringing up past issues later (to start fights he believes), just tell him how I feel straight away at the time if he says/does something I don't like. I kind of saw his point there....but at the same time in the end......feel the same way I did that I don't have enough control/say in our relationship.

Hope everything's ok for you too 🙂 BF sounds good that he understands the need to talk!

Thanks again 🙂

Olivia

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

livm88 — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 09:18:21 GMT

Hi Lynda,

Thanks again. Yes, I agree......face to face is definitely best. We did have a talk the other night, and the topic of moving in came up again, apparently this (for me) is the solution to not seeing each other enough. While I think i'd like to live with him one day (as in within the next year), i'm hesitant because of the cultural differences in housemates. Being that i'm the main English speaker, and also Hindi isn't their first language (it's something from the North India region.....not one found on any learning apps/lessons for English speakers!) will make the situation probably uncomfortable for me, and take a while to get used to. And there's the issue that.....well I don't know if he's ever actually discussed me moving in with the others (two other couples, and a younger guy!).

And there's also a cultural issue I was worrying about...how they all might view the two of us being in the house living together, not married! I know their culture values marriage, and there are no words in Hindi for 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend!'. There's just husband and wife!!! Another thing i'd have to get used to...they're very clean people, in comparison to a western house, their's is very sparse, no decorations, no being slack and leaving something lying down for a second. I'm the opposite, clutter here and there, decorations/knick knacks, bright colours etc....

But at the same time....I know in the future, if we want to grow/build our relationship or take it to another level....we'll have to live together. I just can't imagine living with such a large group of people with multiple couples! Also, I can't come along and expect to get these people who have been living together for almost 3 years change their living! But because he's saving money (they all are), they'll probably live like this for a few years to come! The chance of us living together (alone) I feel will be far off (like....in 5 yrs time....if I can last! At least I might be fluent in Hindi by then haha).

Thanks for listening 🙂 Rambled on a bit there 😛

Olivia

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

pipsy — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 10:52:39 GMT

Hi Olivia. I think for now your best bet is to leave thing as they are. Moving in would definitely cause complications and also your fledgling relationship would be tested. There's 6 people living together, all the same culture. In the meantime enjoy his company, but perhaps consider seeing other guys. You said he is your first bf, the first bf is the one who gives you the ideas on what you want in a relationship. The only way you are going to be sure about what you want in a relationship is to see other guys. You may even decide you want to travel.

Lynda

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

Croix — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 12:15:59 GMT

Dear Olivia (Caution bluntness warning!)

It can be most confusing when you receive several replies, each seeming to have a core of sense in it but not totally agreeing with the next!

There are however some basics I’d feel if it was me and I stepped back for a moment. This is indeed hard to do with a first relationship where everything is new, exciting and there is nothing to compare it with

Firstly a person inexperienced in relationships holding down two jobs, or one excessively demanding one, simply does not have time to adequately foster a full relationship with a prospective partner. Getting to know, love and live full-time with another human being is a full time job in itself

Secondly consistently speaking in a language a guest does not understand (in the house or outside) is just plain rude, lacks courtesy and consideration and smacks of arrogance. At the very least it leads to a sense of isolation, breeds misunderstandings and tends to leave the guest regarded as less important than everyone else

Thirdly you mention the young man has started to change he amount of attention given to you. You mentioned you have spent the night together. There are some unfortunately who regard a young lady as an acquisition and once a certain stage has been reached the effort to woo her can be relaxed. Without some experience I’d find it most difficult to judge if this was the case

Fourthly I found starting a relationship is comparatively easy. Continuing a relationship for the long term not so much. It should be loving and fun, with shared interests and joys, but it still takes work, to understand the other person, support him or her, be equally supported and understood in return. Love, time, learning

I would most definitely find it it unhelpful to try to do this in a busy environment full of strangers who do not seem to wish to communicate

It seems to me you are giving, but not receiving. Should you have found a person who genuinely cares deeply for you I would have expected him to devote his attention to you, and perhaps find a compromise in work hours and seek an environment where you could live together without other influences

My apologies if you feel I’ve been unkind, I genuinely wish you well.

Croix (who has had the joy of being married to two wonderful people, one for 25 years, the other now for 20 - and has also lived in a house where they did make a great effort to speak my language) .

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

Anony18 — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 12:37:29 GMT

Hi Olivia

Trust me I know how you feel. My bf used to work crazy hours that it was hard to talk to him and I would see him when he come over to sleep. So we had a small window to chat. However he couldn't sustain it especially as it compromised his mental state which he been trying work on past 6 mths. To talk about issues is hard especially if you fear a negative outcome. I know that as I get like that at times but I learnt being passive doesn't solve it. To reach a compromise you need to talk. I still find it difficult at times but holding it in is not healthy for anyone. Definitely express your frustrations to him however a suggestion could be take the time to gather what you want to say so you can articulate properly to him. As for the needy message. You shouldn't feel silly. There should be a balance I agree but you sent it for a reason and your bf will need understand why.

Things for me at moment is really a wait and see. With my bf's mental health issues it has been a bit tough as don't see him that often and he has moments he recluses at home. But it is a choice currently am making to stay and support. He struggles open up but I must ask the right questions or he feels comfortable enough to tell me as am only one that appears know about the extent of his issues (other than psych)....at least so it appears when I ask if his friends know he says probably not. And as for his family he says he thinks they know but they don't talk about it.

Sorry - now I have rambled on! Do let me know how things go with your bf. Just ensure you know what you want out of it or what you are willing to accept and compromise.

Anony18

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

livm88 — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 14:43:09 GMT

Hi Lynda,

Yes it's probably not the best option for me to move in with him at the moment, but dating more than 1 guy at a time is definitely not for me (nothing against others who do....but I personally i'd see dating 2 people at the same time as cheating).

As for travel, well that will always be something i'll like (when money permits!).

Thanks again 🙂

Olivia

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

livm88 — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 14:55:03 GMT

Thanks Croix,

You make some good points. I know i'm a least a little right in feeling uncomfortable being surrounded by people who all speak their own language when i'm around, and I do feel he should make more effort to speak English to me when i'm there, otherwise what's the point really? I'd be mute all the time.

I guess I don't want to believe what may be the truth about our relationship in this and other areas, I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I will admit....i'm wondering about our future, how it will work out. I can't live the rest of my life in a house with two couples (and what happens if there are kids one day from any lot of us???). Definitely not the life i'd picture...For now I just have to hope the reason he still wants to live communal is to save money until he's got a job in his degree industry (IT) and salary to match. The other thing that has never been discussed, and I shall bring it up next time the subject arises......how would he feel if instead we lived in a share house with Western/Aussies and he the only Indian? Bet he would feel just as uncomfortable and left out.

I do feel you're right in that i'm doing a lot of giving, and receiving less. I've definitely changed more things to suit him than he has me!

I suppose in the end.....time will decide if we can make it work (I can't guarantee that seeing him so little will not make us drift apart, we should want to spend more time together really!).

Thanks for your advice 🙂

Olivia

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

livm88 — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 15:02:38 GMT

Anony18,

I guess you're doing a good thing, standing by your bf through his hard times. He's lucky to have someone patient 🙂 I guess i'm trying to do the same in a way,....but it's how long I can stand it!

With me, I suppose I'm starting to see now....maybe i'm the only one doing the compromising (probably not a healthy thing!). But it's hard to get him to see things from my perspective.....he's quite stubborn (I guess like many men haha...I know a few older relatives/husbands like that :P).

Yes talking is definitely the only way to try and solve any issues, it's coming up with the right way to say things that has me stumped. I think of it the night before, then when we meet I can't remember my speech....haha

Well hope it goes well with your bf too 🙂

Thanks again,

Olivia

Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

Anony18 — Thu, 15 Dec 2016 07:03:44 GMT

Hi Olivia

livm88 said:

I guess i'm trying to do the same in a way,....but it's how long I can stand it!

I get it. We all have our limits and trust your instinct to know when you can't take it anymore and need cut him loose. My bf is stubborn too....think alot of men are (haha!) but it is a matter if he wants the relationship enough to listen and work on it.

In terms of the things to say. It may sound stupid but why not try this - write it down on a piece of paper what you like to say the night before. Do a rough speech as you let your feelings be expressed on paper and pen and then read it a couple times or more and make amendments. Read it to him so all points are there. If you feel that seems silly then maybe do what I do - practice it a few times. When you talk to him - you may not say it like you written down but the KEY points will come out that you want to get across, including HOW you intend to get it across. Of course we cannot factor in for what the bf will say but you can try to anticipate?

Hope that helps.

Anony18