topic Domestic abuse in Long-term support over the journey

Domestic abuse

monkey_magic — Sun, 22 Jan 2017 02:12:18 GMT

He started out supportive,courageous,and huge hearted. We became intimate & that's when he's insecurities & past issues overcame him. I was yelled at,owned,controlled. He was jealous & used to scar me with his cutting words. I was hurt, suicidal & confused & genuinely fearful. How could a man that loved me change so rapidly & then change back? I was experiencing different ppl in one! I found him intimidating, aggressive & then homicidal & suicidal.... I needed to run for dear life,especially feeling like I could b killed. Mental illness also surfaced in the time we spent together. I was caught in the firing line. I went back one last time after his yelling demand of me coming to get my bike as it was in his way. I was out the front of his place looking at him through the curtains, he was in a bad way. I felt scared & thought I should leave. I went against my instinct. He opened the door ,I said I've come to get the bike & I'm leaving, it set him off!! I paced backwards towards my car. He was screaming,picked up my bike & threw it, screaming, puffed out his chest & stomped towards me with fists clenched. I wanted to run and go into the car but thought he'd probably smash the window so I stood there shocked staring into his eyes as he stomped towards me. Strangely he got right in my face fists still clenched then raised & started crying. He held onto me & wanted me to come inside with him. I was scared & just wanted to leave but went inside. There, he was consuming alcohol. I also had some & reached for one of his cigarettes but he didn't want me to have one. I had one anyway. It set him off again. He said u don't care & attempted suicide. I called the ambulance. I am glad to say I am no longer with this man. What turned into emotional abuse could have turned physical. I believed if I didn't stare into his eyes with all my strength as he stomped towards me, I might not b here today. There is no excuse for domestic abuse.

Domestic abuse

Starwolf — Mon, 23 Jan 2017 00:55:29 GMT

Hi Steph,

Thank you so much for sharing this terrible experience. Unfortunately, many people find themselves caught up in similar situations.

Kudos to you for leaving this man. He obviously had severe issues and those became yours. I can't tell you how glad I am that you have found the courage to leave such toxic relationship in time. I hope you are feeling proud of yourself.

This was a wise first step towards taking care of yourself. But abuse -may it be emotional, physical or sexual- leaves emotional scars. I once was victim of all 3 types so am well aware of the damage done. So please make sure you are receiving the help and support you so much deserve.

You are right of course...mental illness is no excuse for abuse. It depends on the basic character of the individual. Most sufferers are not violent.

Fingers crossed you never, ever need to use this yourself but this post may be read by those who could. The following is no direct link but is a useful one to copy into your browser :

https://au.reachout.com/what-to-do-if-youre-in-an-abusive-relationship

Thank you again for your willingness to share. Re-living this nightmare to do so takes guts. A much appreciated contribution. You are an inspiration.

Kindest thoughts.

Domestic abuse

monkey_magic — Mon, 23 Jan 2017 01:46:48 GMT

Aww thanku so much starwolf. Yep wasn't easy to share esp since still having shame.I know I shouldn't... Ur reply was incredible & I can c u have a sensitivity to others. Sorry u went through all 3 types,i have also. Its a threatening thing to go through.I wanted to make other woman/men aware that it can b destructive/dangerous not listening to insticts,but I do understand in abusive relationships sometimes u don't feel strong enough or have the self esteem or integrity to leave.I've endured a looott....yeh this man had many issues & lashed out at me a lot.....I had to get away as I lost my well-being. Humans aren't bulletproof. Survival insticts kick in,in these type of situations...I was threatened,harrassed,stalked & preyed on by him sexually as well. U would think id know better than getting involved with someone dangerous, with a criminal history but when we first met he seemed reformed... He was strong,loving,supportive,courageous,& caring....later found out he haf other aspects to his character & suffered small man syndrome( what I'm going to call it) I leave abusive relationships pretty quickly,even if I am stumbling & struggling to breath lol....they r horrible,these abusers...little devils who put the blame on u ......well,we survived star wolf & have more knowledge than the average bear....love how uplifting this forum can b

Domestic abuse

Starwolf — Mon, 23 Jan 2017 02:34:04 GMT

Thank you for your kind words.

The trouble abuse is that it erodes our sense of self-worth and self-confidence. Years of corrosive criticism, being used, blamed and being made to feel we don't matter lead us to believe we must be bad and deserve everything we get. This sets us up for abusive relationships later. Of course, this traumatized over-self is unconsciously built up. However, it can be consciously re-configured, which is what you are working on now.

Yes, shame can stick to us like melting tar but it is just another false impression. Shame belongs with the perpetrator, not the victim. People with narcissistic tendencies enter relationships wearing a mask. They can sniff out a potential victim's vulnerability from miles away. That man never loved you...you don't treat those you love like that, even when you grow apart. So please don't blame yourself. Having gone through what you have, you would be entitled to wear your scars as badges of honour !!!

I consider myself a bit of a Jane-of-all-trades in the PTSD department. I also ended up sole carer of a daughter with acquired brain injury, my father committed suicide, I fought and lost legal battles against a corrupt system etc... I ended up with suicidal tendencies, depression, dissociative disorder and anxiety. But I am here to let you know today that those labels have been peeled off. I won't lie...it took a lot of persistent work. It hasn't been an even, straight road. But it can be done.

You are right, work on retrieving the real self from under the emotional rubble comes with the gift of extra insight and compassion. The combination of personal Life experiences can result in something only you can express and use for the benefit of others. From this participation, self-awareness and self-regard can grow.

Your feet are already set firmly on the path to recovery. While suffering yourself, you are also willing to support those who are struggling with issues you are familiar with. You have a lot going for you. A lot more than you were made to think.

You deserve so much better than self-harm...

Domestic abuse

monkey_magic — Mon, 23 Jan 2017 06:13:01 GMT

Thankyou so much for your intellegent & knowledgeable post. I want to talk more but for now I'll talk about the corrupt legal system. I honestly thought truth prevails.I don't get it. I don't understand how corruption wins. U go in there u tell the truth u deserve to b compensated in some way & u deserve justice but corruption wins....how?? Why??? I really don't understand. The truth should b stronger. The heart should matter, but somehow, it doesn't to this shallow corruption. Sorry u didn't win...the truth should win

Domestic abuse

Starwolf — Tue, 24 Jan 2017 04:32:27 GMT

No I didn't win. More exactly, my daughter didn't win as I was acting on her behalf. After a severe blow to the head on the playground, feeling dizzy and vomiting (all telltale signs of brain injury), she was sent to sick bay and written off at being asleep (at 9.30 in the morning !) until lunch time. In reality she was unconscious, bleeding from a ruptured blood vessel. The first thing her medical team wanted to know was why it took so long for her to reach the hospital. Time being of the essence, much damage could have been prevented.

Why does this happen ? Because money, companies or orgs interests prevail. So cover-up and corruption come into play etc...Not all the time, but often enough to be a major concern. I was only a nobody trying to take on a government department.

Anyway, like many other things, it's in the past. That chapter has been closed. I've learned a few things because of it too. There's always a seed of good within evil.

Let's hang on to that thought 🙂

Domestic abuse

monkey_magic — Tue, 24 Jan 2017 05:25:47 GMT

No words ,except sorry this has happened to you and your family....& still,u offer so much support to others. U r incredible!!!

Domestic abuse

Starwolf — Tue, 24 Jan 2017 05:44:44 GMT

Thank you for caring, Steph.

Helping those in need helps me too. It makes positive use of a negative past. It helps make sense of otherwise pointless trauma. A win win situation...

Domestic abuse

monkey_magic — Wed, 01 Feb 2017 01:54:48 GMT

I feel shaken up. Made a call to the DV line after having a long conversation with the guy I used to see. I still feel hurt even after all this time. He said he was sorry from the bottom of his heart for how he treated me. I feel like he's conning me like the sick puppy he was. He isn't consistent & has different sides...pretty sure he's a sociopath. I really should give him a wide birth. U can't make up for abuse. All the I love yous,I've changed. Pretty sure I should just think oink oink & move on.....my heart actually loves who I thought he was & the good things he taught me....I need to find it in me to move past this...

Domestic abuse

monkey_magic — Wed, 01 Feb 2017 02:05:12 GMT

I'm hurt,I'm betrayed & now he wants to win me over again to prob then wanting to despose of me again like I'm garbage....I'm confused....my wounds feel raw today...

Domestic abuse

Guest_9809 — Wed, 01 Feb 2017 06:24:20 GMT

Oh Steph ....... why do we do this to ourselves?

I stay with someone who abuses me, you are contemplating returning to someone who abused you.

This just doesnt make any sense. You've already made the difficult but essential break, you've escaped. You're lucky, you saw what you needed to do, and did it. In my experience and knowledge, these people do not change. They may want to, but they cant and wont.

Of course you're hurt, feeling betrayed, and confused. You probably still love him. But for your own safety, it is highly inadvisable to return.

Yes he is trying to win you back, to assure you that he's a changed man. But if he is a narcissist domestic abuser, he isnt going to change. This charm offensive is just to get you back and under his control. Dont let him win Steph. You deserve to be free of him and free to find someone else who will love and care for you properly.

I feel for you Steph, but I dont understand why you are looking backwards. Especially after some of the hard truths you told me on my thread. Remain strong, and do what you know is right. Comforting hug to you.

Taurus xx

Domestic abuse

Starwolf — Wed, 01 Feb 2017 06:45:30 GMT

Please Steph, after having done so remarkably well...why betray yourself ??

Trying to win a victim back is all part of the narcissistic scheme. It brings the excitement and sense of being in control that those personalities crave. It is like a game to them. If you went back, it would be fine for a while, until the hook was sunk deep enough again. Instead of long conversations with him, why not opt for more research about narcissism and co-dependency ? Perhaps it would help you focus on inescapable facts instead of being manipulated.

Not trusting him but trusting your feelings (you know deep down he's up to no good !) would save you a lot of future heartache. You don't deserve to prolong this suffering.

My thoughts are with you.

Domestic abuse

monkey_magic — Wed, 01 Feb 2017 07:02:35 GMT

Two sensible,knowledgeable woman .my heart loves him but I learnt that the heart can b deceptive. I will never go back. I understand the domestic violence cycle. And he scares me more than most ppl. I prob spoke to him because of some common ground me did have. But now I'm feeling scared again bcas regection will turn him into the other side of himself & this is dangerous for me. I have learnt now to have zero contact as I've just ignighted the fire. I'll just have to b a ninja turtle.yep,it was a mistake to call. I dont answer his many texts or calls normally but yday was a not so strong moment. U r both right....and I'm dreaming of someone I can feel safe with. I'm just so broken

Domestic abuse

Guest_322 — Wed, 01 Feb 2017 07:08:56 GMT

Hi Steph,

I had seen your thread earlier and wanted to say something but hesitated as I wasn't sure if I could find the right words. While I've experienced abuse, it wasn't in an intimate relationship so my understanding might be a somewhat limited.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was thank you for posting. When I read your first post, it was heart wrenching but also empowering especially because you wrote "...there is no excuse for DV." Your resilience comes across and you asserted your position on DV very well.

As an outsider looking in, I think deep down, you know where this is going if you are to return to him. You even said "...he wants to win me over again then wanting to dispose of me like I'm garbage..."

I mean, this is what absuive partners do. They reel you in- hook, line and sinker- with charm and lines about "love" and "feeling bad", etc. Then once they've sucked you back in, bam, the abuse picks up again.

And they will do it time and time again, which is why many who are abused will leave, go back, leave, go back, etc.

While I can't speak from personal experience, I've seen some of my friends in abusive relationships. I felt utterly stupid and powerless at the sidelines.

I had one friend go back and forth between breaking up with her abusive boyfriend and going back to him multiple times before she finally made a clean break. As a friend, I'm extremely proud of where she is today and for all her efforts in breaking free of that...insert expletives...

I guess this is my long winded way of saying, please, please don't go back. I realise it's easier said than done as I realise abusers are often brilliant manipulators and know how to lay on charm. But please remember, it's all a game to them. It's not love, it's about power and control.

Dottie x

Domestic abuse

monkey_magic — Wed, 01 Feb 2017 07:44:17 GMT

Thanks Dottie ,

Ive also been on the sideline. My best friend was beaten,yet she still married the guy. Their brilliant charm & intelligence gets to your heart. Their loving words, the way they sooth you,the way they win you back. You see them as a light,powerful hero...& then it starts all over again & they weaken you but pull u back in because at one time they won your heart. I am smart though. I believe they make u insecure which is also another way back in. And then habits learnt in the situation keep u in . or being scared keeps u in. Its usually not until the worst happens that u start to think about it all. Living dangerously makes some feel alive,it can b exciting, it can be thrilling but in my experience it comes at a cost...pain!! Men can have power over woman, then woman strengthen & have power over men....love/sex draws you back in....then it's all good for a while. I totally agree with learning about their personality eg whether they're a narcissist or what have u as knowledge is power...self preservation can exist for a while, hurt u can get over,the powerful love can sustain you, but, can your own truth bring freedom? It u r free to simply be in a relationship I think u have found the one. But if u r looking over your shoulder, walking on eggshells,calculating wat to say something isn't quite right.I am luck I can relocate...I've broken the law relocating I.e sleeping at a vacant rental- in the back yard...I obv have it in me to survive this personality type & other personality types...I'm actually drunk atm so I'll leave it there. The worst that has happened to me is being abused to the point I felt rough... I do not want to b a hurt, rough person as I used to c them as weak. I obv have to heal....so appreciate you all for stepping out

Domestic abuse

Starwolf — Thu, 02 Feb 2017 00:44:34 GMT

Phew ! Steph, you gave me a fright...and I think you gave yourself one too. Not such a bad thing...

We all have our unguarded moments but when we are dealing with people who get their thrills from power games, we learn to keep armour and shield at the ready. You are right, narcissistic people take rejection pretty hard. So unfortunately, their reactions can get seriously out of hand. False love easily turns into hatred...Genuine love is able to set free.

Sooner or later, you will find someone who appreciates and respect you. But right now, it is time to protect yourself, stand firmly on your own 2 feet and so gain self-respect. Recovery takes a while as toxic relationships leave you broken...they suck away your power. Some kind of emotional vampirism.

You will gradually find yourself again and replenish drained inner resources. Therapy can hasten the process by getting to the roots of over dependency. Please keep in mind that those are times when we can be vulnerable to falling for another crutch, like substance or alcohol abuse, another wrong relationship. Trading one addiction for another defies the purpose of setting ourselves free.

You'll be OK, Steph...just don't look back.

Stay safe.

Domestic abuse

monkey_magic — Thu, 02 Feb 2017 02:20:22 GMT

Dear starwolf ,

I learnt a lot from your post so true they suck your energy. I feel as though I'm talking to professionals on this forum. Love / false love can b blinding. I received another text from him saying he still has feelings for me wish he would bugger off....pretty sure I'll b blocking him...I wouldn't wish him on anyone. He's an old ,used up,worn out,dirty tea towel who is trying to get some power back...Im shocked hes still trying .(insane) its disgusting & laughable. I wouldnt b the only woman he is going out of his way to make feel good again, I can guarantee there r others. This special agent keeps a few woman tucked away for when he wants to rear his ugly head back into their lives, I learnt about this when I was seeing ( the other side) of him b4 he changed on me or should I say showed his true colours. Its genius & pure evil at the same time, esp when these men

come after you like its all your fault....deep down he's a scared little girl, he's not a man. I've learnt ( through) him how life changes a person.

I feel for what he's been through but won't except how he treated me,what's done is done.

I saw him as a lion, but I don't want to b mauled anymore or blamed, for all the shit he can't overcome ,not my problem, I did the best I could...oh & he has female issues. Been divorced, lots of woman since etc etc...he needs a lot of therapy.

He was more dependent on me than I was on him. I wouldn't say I was dependant.

He was knocked out & raped by a man in a park, assaulted, lost his father,sister & brother etc etc. He was one of the strongest men I've known but had a weaker side.

Hes too insecure for me,I'm not his mummy... & he acted like a father to me ...ppfffttt I already have one thanku

Domestic abuse

monkey_magic — Thu, 02 Feb 2017 03:32:23 GMT

Just found this on a domestic violence website;

At times we underestimate the amount of danger we r in ,either bcas we don't realise or don't understand how dangerous the situation is. Part of an abusers control can b minimizing the seriousness of what they r doing.

Sometimes it is hard to work out the danger or risks yourself.

Police,& the state & territory support lines can help u work out the risks & how to stay safe.

Domestic abuse

monkey_magic — Thu, 02 Feb 2017 04:04:12 GMT

Key Facts in Australia:

1 woman a week is killed by a partner or former partner

I in 3 woman has experienced physical violence since the age of 15

1 in 4 woman has experienced sexual violence

1 in 4 have experienced physical or sexual violence by an intimate partner

1 in 4 has experienced emotional abuse by a current or former partner

Domestic abuse

Starwolf — Thu, 02 Feb 2017 04:55:01 GMT

Food for thought, isn't it ?

Thank you for posting those statistics. They should be brought to attention at every chance we get. I am no longer afraid/ashamed to say that :

I escaped death by the skin of the teeth at the hands of a partner and former partner.

I experienced physical violence since the age of 15...and also before.

I have experienced sexual violence.

I have experienced physical and sexual violence by an intimate partner.

I have experienced emotional abuse by a former partner.

None of this I initially saw coming. I consider myself extremely lucky to have escaped and being given a chance to lick my wounds. Many others didn't make it.

An odd curriculum... but it comes with quite a few gifts attached 🙂