topic Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration in Long-term support over the journey

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

July — Fri, 13 Mar 2015 06:24:22 GMT

Hi, I am new to this but need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

white knight — Fri, 13 Mar 2015 09:34:35 GMT

Hi July. welcome to beyond blue.

I', an ex RAAF, ex Pentridge prison officer (1978-1981 long time ago), ex private investigator and ex security guard. I know a bit about jail and crime.

With nearly everything in life there can be positives. For whatever reason your son went off the rails....dont we all? just some of us dont go off so far to result in jail. While I was reading your post I expected you to tell us that your son's sentence would be several years...then you said he'll be out around September. Just the right amount of time for him to realise fully his lessen, enough time to consolidate his education courses and just enough time for him to value his post prison life.

After a couple of weeks, maybe less, he would settle into his environment. He would learn to be aware of other prisoners, learn to keep his mouth shut and learn to obey officers directions while not showing that in an obvious manner to appear too eager by other prisoners. He time in jail isnt a concern for me as an adviser to you....its after he is released.

When he is released try to make sure he doesnt continue any relationship with any prisoner he befriended while in jail....it can only lead to future issues. To do this encourage a "clean slate" approach eg "I'm going to be proud of you John because together, our family will make sure, as a team that you start a clean slate and we put this jail time behind us....I'm determined to make that happen...so John, are you going to help us do this?" There are ways to talk to a grown man, even your son (more on that soon) to get the best from him.

I'm rather proud of you and that letter to the judge. It impacted on your son. He hurt you more than he could imagine. But remember - drugs are involved. And they have grabbed your sons inner soul and potentially destroyed his life. We know drugs with some people with wind them in more than others.

In the meantime dont despair July. You didnt fail him, he failed himself and his family. Your forgiveness of his actions is very important and his determination to go "straight" will be tested upon release.

During my time as a prison officer I can reveal...some prisoners I'd trust my life with, some not, some officers I'd trust my life with, some never!. I was only 21yo when I began that career and I learned that evil people come in all varieties of clothing.

Some time ago I wrote an article here called "Talking to men- some tips" Use search to find it.

Good luck and think positive.It isnt that bad.

Tony wk

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

July — Mon, 16 Mar 2015 01:40:44 GMT

Hi Tony, Thankyou so much for your reply, I started crying as soon as I saw your reply, just to have someone hear me ,I felt relief, and you, of all people would understand .My son has already been in prison for 11 months and has always been very respectful to all the guards and officers and he said some of the older guards have spoken to him about his future and have been like father figures to him, I think thats made him feel better ,his security rating went down to minimum within 6 months due to his behaviour and cooperation, to be honest, sometimes I feel prison has saved his life, because he has hit rock bottom and has seen what a good life you can have if you try. I have always told him that is your past life and now you cannot associate with anyone from your past, as they will bring you down, and where are these so called "friends"now ,not one has been to see him or made any contact so that proves who really cares about you and your wellbeing, and he always tells me he wants nothing to do with anyone in that drug lifestyle as it only causes pain for you and your family, apart from the divorce he had a good home life and finished year 12 at a good school, it was when he finished school he began to associate with that lifestyle .

I tell him it his second chance at life and he needs to respect that , he tells me about prison and it scares me, he keeps a low profile and does was he is told, and keeps to himself, I think this has really impacted on him and he never wants to go through it again and nor do I, it has really opened my eyes going into the prison to see him I think the discipline is good for him, thats what he needs, and he has never had a problem with anyone in there.You can't imagine how good this feels to talk to someone who can relate,thank you .

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

Neil_1 — Mon, 16 Mar 2015 03:29:16 GMT

Hi there July

It’s great that Tony has come along to respond to you with his wealth of knowledge and past experience.

I’m just stopping by to say “hello” to you (as I’ve got no experience in this kind of thing at all) but just wanted to say, that (a) I’m very sure you were so pleased to read Tony’s response to you, but also (b) that I hope by coming here and “unloading” it has kind of helped you in a way. To kind of get things off your chest and to write about this situation. As you say, with most others that you know, the ‘secret’ is in operation. Perhaps he’s taken some time to go overseas to travel? Or has gone interstate searching for work?? I’m sure you’ve got that all sorted now, and so the others don’t need to know a thing.

It is good to hear that he hasn’t encountered any problems while in there and I’m really sure, as you say, that this will have impacted on him massively and that the discipline he has no doubt received will serve him well once he’s out.

I do hope that you’re managing as best as you can over this time and that you’re keeping occupied as well as you can also. I know it’s very easy for me to write this but the actual act of putting it into action, I imagine would be such a tough task for you.

The last thing I wanted to say was that we are always here and so if you’ve got other things or more things that you’d like to write, then please do so – as long as you feel ok to do so.

Kind regards

Neil

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

July — Mon, 16 Mar 2015 05:22:51 GMT

Hi Neil,

Thankyou for your reply,my situation is uncommon and I because of it, I feel the need to not tell anyone in my life, because of fear, prejudice and judgement and to protect my son when he gets out ,as I do not want people to label him over one mistake which he is paying for.

I have had a bad situation at work as well just after the time my son was incarcerated and that was very stressful as it was a betrayal of a "friend" Ive known for over 5 years ,she knew nothing about my son, although I told her I had some major family problems, so I had to take time off work as I couldn't face work and I was always on the verge of tears and the stress and tension was to much, and I work in a very stressful environment to begin with, something has to give and I couldn't tell anyone at work so it just all got to much.

I have no family support at all and that makes it hard, I don't tell friends because I am worried about their reaction, so you go along pretending everything's ok when underneath it all you can hardly breathe.

But on here I feel at least I can talk and get some stress released.

Thank you hope to hear from you soon

July

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

white knight — Mon, 16 Mar 2015 13:09:37 GMT

Hi July,

We live with stigma everyday. Worried others will find out about our Mental illness. Then again some here announce it easily and have a "too bad" view about it. As if their illness is a part of them and take it or leave it.

In the same way you have decided to approach this incarceration of your son as a bad stigma for you, for him or for both of you.. Yet there are many people sent to jail. And this stress is raised by you "telling fibs" about your sons current location. This is because its hurtful all round.

I'm wondering if this is putting more strain on you, keeping it a secret. As I said in my forst post- it isnt that bad. He gets to learn what he couldnt learn i.e. that if you continues on the path of drugs and drug related crime he will go to jail and until he learns that or it sinks in, he will go there. It is several months of compulsory learning of lessens.

We have carers here. People that care for their loved ones that have mental illness. They read here and write here. When their mentally ill partner or child refuses help from the carer the carer tries all sorts of methods to "lead that horse to water"....but as we advise them eventually..."you cant make them drink".

Once you have accepted you cannot change his sentence then its time you cared for yourself. Look after your own mental well being, your work and your life. Focus on this as your number one priority. This focus is the best thing you can do for your son.

So essentially July, start looking at yourself now. Your son, and your other children need you in good health. Your son in jail needs things when he is released. And what are the most important things he needs when that day comes?

Accommodation, food, care, stability, friendship, your ears and a mum that is composed, relaxed, one that wont smother and a mum that will be mentally well.

This should be your focus. And as you are a caring and wonderful mum, you can get through this by caring for yourself as your priority.

As my friend Neil said. We are here for you

Tony WK

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

July — Tue, 17 Mar 2015 02:03:06 GMT

Hi Tony,

I just had this conversation last night with my husband, and I know you are right about looking after myself, I have had that struggle because I have always had to look after someone else, as I became pregnant with my eldest son at just 19 and I have had no "free" life as such , my commitment to others started early, and I find it difficult to let go and relax, I think to because my childhood was very dysfunctional, I over compensate with my children because I don't want them to feel as I did, my mothering goes overboard because my mother was an abusive alcoholic and did not show any compassion or love to me.

I am going to attend counselling to sort through this, I want to feel happy again as you said, I need to support my son through his release , he will be coming home to live with us until he is settled and self sufficient .

Some days I just want to run away from everyone and everything but I know I can't cause I have to many people relying on me, and your parents are supposed to be someone you can always trust to be there for you know matter what, although I never had that.

Its a hard process to accept but time will tell and I know it will get better eventually,its just the here and now thats hard .

Thanks

July

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

Neil_1 — Tue, 17 Mar 2015 02:09:11 GMT

Hi there July

It was great to hear back from you.

Yes, things can become all too much when we take on different issues and if there becomes too many, it can have bad repercussions for us. The ability to cope and deal with things, so while you are in a stressful job environment, I do hope that you are able to get some kind of respite during your work – a bit of downtime so it doesn’t become too much for you.

But yes, bad situations (no matter where they happen) are never good – and somehow they are made worse, if it’s caused by someone who we thought was a ‘friend’, that somehow makes it worse, I think.

That does please me to read that you feel good about coming here and posting – it can be a very good way to release tension and anxiety and I hope that you find that you’re able to continue to do this for as long as you feel you would like too.

Kind regards

Neil

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

July — Tue, 17 Mar 2015 13:21:06 GMT

Hi Neil,

Its funny I am not one to really spend time on a computer but since joining this I find myself looking froward to my posts and responses, like its my lifeline at the moment, and the words of wisdom from others who are not directly involved are of comfort, I must admit I was scared at first wondering what people would say, but you can't judge until you have walked in those shoes, and I never expected to be in this position.

Its hard to ask for help sometimes, to admit you can't cope or things are getting on top of you, its like the world is moving around you , and you are standing still ,frozen in that sadness and heartache.

Your head and heart in a conflict against each other for some peace and answers which I'm hoping to find.

Thankyou

July

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

white knight — Wed, 18 Mar 2015 01:25:26 GMT

Hi July,

So glad you are benefitting here. Yes, over compensating is common and you are normal there in terms of your motherhood compared to your own mother.

I'm happy you are seeking counselling. It's not so bad eh. We all need a stronger rudder at times to overcome the issues that overtake us.

There is a lot of pain out in society July. Pain such as your is not unlike a parent losing a child through death or separation. Dads often lose their children through mind poisoning or the mother moving away (and in reverse)

And in my life nothing can compare with my youngest daughter's comment when she rang me at age 13 "I dont want to see you anymore". I then held onto hope for 7 years before I said enough is enough. That daughter has only one way to see me, at my home and alone. If she cares enough one day she'll come. This daughter has been brainwashed by her mother, vengence from my older daughter coming to live with me at 12yo. I paid child support for 14 years with not one late payment plus a one off payment of $14,000 to pay for my daughters jaw alignment and teeth.

The pain lingers but you have to accept and get on with life. What I have seen here in you is a mother totally devoted to her son and other children. What a mum!!!It would be surprising how much pain is out there that we dont think is there.

Tony WK

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

July — Wed, 18 Mar 2015 12:31:05 GMT

Hi Tony,

Thankyou for your kind words, yes my children are my world, the ups the downs,the happiness and the sadness,I have always wanted to be a mother, I am not a career person, I just wanted to be a mum and Im trying my best.

Being a parent is not easy, your kids forget sometimes that you hurt and feel pain and I think it is not until they experience some life lessons do they realise what you as a parent have been through, although my son in prison has been hurtful at times due to his alcohol/drug use I have never stopped loving him, and now seeing him clean and sober is all I want in life, visiting him is very stressful but he always hugs me and tells me he loves me, to me he is still that precious beautiful little boy ,my first born, at 19 it was me and him against the world and it always will be.

He tells me he wants to have a family of his own, and I hope that happens for him, to hold your own baby in your arms is to me more precious than anything in this world.

It is so sad to know that there are wonderful men who want a relationship with their kids and are denied it , when all you hear about is the dads who get divorced and basically divorce their children to start a new life without them.

I think you both make a decision to bring a life into the world and you are both responsible to care and nurture that child and not just to 18, not until they mess up and make mistakes but until.... and we know us parents aren't perfect either.

July

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

Chris_B — Thu, 19 Mar 2015 00:54:46 GMT

Hi July,

Great to hear the forums are helping you. You might want to check out this thread in the Men's forum, written by a guy in prison. It might help you with some further insights into what your son may be feeling.

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

July — Thu, 19 Mar 2015 06:16:56 GMT

Hi Chris,

Thanks I did post him a message ,my heart feels for him, I am lucky my son will only do 18 months or so, thank god.

But I do have an understanding of prison life , and it is hard, my son tells me what goes on in there and how he has heard grown men cry in their cells, they are human to, we all understand they need to pay the price for their crimes but we need to show each other some compassion and kindness.

It is scary just visiting a prison, but being in there must be the worst, I see the look on my sons face as Ieave, I try to be happy and strong when I am there because I don't want him to worry about me but often I have cried in the car on the way home.

It is a heartbreaking experience for the prisoner and the family, we are all paying the price for this.

July

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

white knight — Thu, 19 Mar 2015 06:59:32 GMT

Hi July,

And a lot goes on in prison most inmates dont realise, like tensions between officers. Some officers in my time there were ruthless. They expected you to guard the cell door as they got their revenge on an inmate for things like smurking at them or questioning their attitude.

And the same goes for some "career" criminals. Some good others bad, real bad.

As an officer you might display kindness to an inmate not realising he is acting in a way that inside he doesnt respect you and is looking at your weaknesses.

By now your son would have settled in somewhat. It is an opportunity for you and him to plan things upon release.

An example would be- on the way home if you said to him "I bet you's like a beer at the pub"? he'd say yeh....you could answer - I've got two cans of beer in my fridge...we can celebrate at home as a new step in changes" Something like that. Subtle changes that will help him feel he can do things but best to do them differently.

Anyway I have confidence you will do fine. You know of course there are different ways to look at things. If he had taken an overseas trip for 18 months you would have seen him less.?

Try to be positive. And bare in mind 70% of released prisoners return to jail. But if you take away from that the fact that most of those are career criminals you have a lot of hope for your son with your love and care, guidance and wisdom.

Tony WK

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

July — Thu, 19 Mar 2015 13:35:36 GMT

Hi Tony,

I can imagine that some officers get a hard time by prisoners and their fellow officers, but my son is respectful to the officers and understands they have a job to do, and he has a job to .. rehabilitate himself, show self restraint and behave accordingly.

I always talk to him honestly about why he is in prison, how he got there and what "we" can do now to lead a happy and honest life outside, I dont "sugar coat"anything, but also at the same time encourage him, the change in him and his attitude is remarkable he is of clear mind, and he even admits the drugs/alcohol never solve the problem, it just pushes it down and makes you more angry and resentful towards everything.

He has to complete mandatory alcohol and drug rehab courses, aggression and violence courses and many others before parole which is the best answer, he has to"own" his crime, which he does, he is not just sitting in prison living the high life as some people think.

In my job I see people in car accidents and suicides all through drugs and alcohol and then watch their families grieve, as I care for their loved one in death, I would prefer to see my son in prison than bury him.

July

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

Peutetre8 — Mon, 04 May 2015 01:14:08 GMT

no one has the right to judge anyone for their mistakes unless they themselves have lived the life of a saint,empathy is putting yourself in someone else''s shoes and showing compassion

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

Hopefullseeking — Tue, 12 May 2015 05:19:26 GMT

Hello July

My name is Anne and I too have a son in Jail.

I have been directed to your post and I believe it is fate as no one but us can understand fully what torture it is to have a child inside. When my son went to jail my world fall apart.

Brief history, it sounds bad but everyone is different.

My son Peter started taking drugs in his teens, his father was abusive and left the family when Peter was 8 yrs old. Mid to late 20's he went to jail for drug related crime, soft crime nothing to hard but he got 4 years as each time he appeared in the courts, total 11, he kept going back to bad habits, and when drugs are involved they get a harder sentence. He served 22 months, paroled, lasted 3 months and breached parole, back to jail, 1 month later sent to rehab, last 3 weeks, breached his conditions, went on the run for 6 weeks because he was fearful of going back to jail, he did hand himself in and went back to jail, served another month, back to rehab, lasted 4 weeks breached conditions and back to jail. Finished his sentence. He took drugs in jail for a short time. I visited him regularly. We have always been close. He is almost 35

I tried when he got out then aged early 30's to help, tried to get him in rehab, NA, but he pulled away, I realised he was involved in drugs again so gave him tough love, he disowned me, blamed me as he could/wouldn't take responsibility. Almost 2 years later, last christmas eve got a letter saying he was back inside and had been for 6 months. I fell apart again.

Everyone who meets him says what a lovely gentle boy he is, even the guards I spoke to said he was one of the good ones. I said to him before he got released that if he went back to jail I would not go and see him, too hard, my psychiatrist reminded me of this, I can't go back on my word as he would see that as weakness and walk all over me.

I love my boys with every molecule of my body but can't allow him to hurt me again. I nearly had a break down last time he went to jail, I love him but must put myself first this time. I will never stop loving him and I am here for him if he wants help to go straight but I can not allow myself to go under.

I suffer from depression, dysthymia, PTSD, anxiety/GAD, a lot of my depression is from him.

My story is tough but that doesn't mean your son will do the same.

Anytime you want to chat I am here for you. I know how much you are hurting as I am too.

Heaps of Hugs

Anne

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

July — Thu, 14 May 2015 11:41:25 GMT

Hi anne,

I am glad you responded to my post and you are right it is torture for us left behind on the outside, because no matter what, they are your children, and it breaks your heart to see them go down this path, I sat through my sons court case and I know it hurt him to see me so distressed and helpless.

It is a situation that only someone else who has been through, can "truly" understand the anguish and pain you feel as a mother, it seems the same profile of someone in jail, drug/alcohol abuse, no father supporting them and them turning to something else to ease that pain it is so sad.

I have learnt so much since my son has been in prison, about him ...and me, he has changed an enormous amount , now clean and sober he is back to that beautiful little boy I had, he has admitted his mistakes and the reasons why and does not ever want to be back in that place again, he is doing all the courses in prison that is required of him and I think personally that prison has saved his life.

I have no family to support us and none of my friends know about my son, so its been a major stress in my life , but I love him and will stand by him no matter what, I truly feel he has redeemed himself and we talk about it all the time during our visits, it will be a long road but I feel he needs for me to believe in him and give him that love and trust so he can move forward in a positive way.. we all need a second chance sometimes.

I am so sorry your son has not found his way yet and I completely understand where you are coming from as I would not allow my son in my house when he was under the influence of drugs/alcohol and we were estranged many a time but the court case and eventual imprisonment has some how brought us together, and I just pray he has the strength and resilience to stay strong on his release and to make a good life for himself and I do have faith in him....and myself.

All the best ,please contact me again I would really love to chat with you as we do have this unfortunate bond, but as mothers we are invincible.

July

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

Hopefullseeking — Fri, 15 May 2015 05:59:29 GMT

Hi July

I didn't get to see my son's court case as it was brought forward and I wasn't aware of it. He told me nothing about his convictions and didn't involve me at all with his lawyers except to ask for money to 'pay the lawyer' yeah well we know where that money went. So sad.

I had the police visit me every week for a year trying to track him down. The first 6 months I knew where he was the last 6 months I didn't. Every time I asked the police what he had done they said 'nothing much' or 'don't worry about it' but I knew it was bad.

I have learnt how far down my depression can go and how resilient I can be. My depression goes down around holidays, birthdays. This time around he has not called me, in fact the prison hasn't called me to get permission for him to ring so to me that says he isn't going to ring. Mother's day was painful. It feels like he is trying to punish me, I haven't done anything wrong. He hasn't learnt anything and I can't even think of where he is headed it's too painful.

When I use to see him in prison I saw my old son back again, the loving caring son yet when he got out it didn't take long before the old son disappeared, around 12 months. He assured me he was doing everything to stay clean, maybe he was but I believe he was still involved with drugs, selling maybe.

Then when I challenged him he disowned me, I didn't hear from him for almost 2 years when I did hear it was to say he was back in side. I'm typing this on the verge of tears, he's my baby, my youngest and the one I was closest to.

I am lucky in that I do have family support and some of my closest friends know but it is not something you go around telling everyone. I just say he is up the coast and I don't see much of him.

I have known of other drug addicted children to go straight and stay that way, they have to want to more than anything. Your son sounds like he will be one of the lucky ones.

I too will stand by and help my son if and when he wants to involve me again in his life. His birthday is next month so I will send him a card. Can't do much else.

I love my son as you do, we will never stop no matter what they do.

Please keep in touch. Its wonderful to know of someone else in my boat. Sorry that sounds bad, you know what I mean.

Anne

Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

Doolhof — Fri, 15 May 2015 10:08:27 GMT

Dear Anne and July,

Just want to let you know that my heart goes out to you both.

I never had the opportunity to meet my children, but I still love them immeasurably.

I have no idea of the pain you both must feel regarding the path your son's lives have taken.

Thinking of you both. Love and hugs from Lauren xxx