topic Thinking about death.... all the time... in Long-term support over the journey

Thinking about death.... all the time...

Guest_1643 — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 06:54:44 GMT

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

Thinking about death.... all the time...

Sophie_M — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 07:09:27 GMT

Hey Sleepy21,

We're so sorry to hear that you've been struggling with these intense thoughts for the past 3 weeks, but please know that our community are here to offer as much support and advice as you need through this particularly difficult time. We can hear how frustrated and hurt you must be feeling as you have not yet received a call, but please know that support is always available if you'd like to talk these feelings through. You never have to deal with these thoughts on your own Sleepy21. If you feel up to it, we'd really encourage you to reach out to the understanding counsellors at our Support Service, who are always here for you- 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 (or also through Webchat 1pm-12am AEST at: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport). Our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are also available 24/7, as often as you need, when these feelings are becoming too much to cope with.

You're not alone in this, and we hope that you can find some comfort from the kindness and support from your friends here on the forums.

Thinking about death.... all the time...

Matchy69 — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 07:42:03 GMT

Hi Sleepy I am sorry you are having those thoughts.I have to had those thought for many years.I don't think I would ever have the courage to act on them I am glad you have a good GP.I hope they do follow through and check up on you like they said.You have been a great help to many on here while struggling yourself.Has anything in particular triggered you in the last 3 weeks for you to have these thoughts?
We are here on these forums to listen.
Take care,
Mark.

Thinking about death.... all the time...

sunnyl20 — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 07:50:40 GMT

Hey Sleepy21,

I'm sorry to hear you have been struggling so much. Those kind of thoughts can be really difficult to cope with, especially if you don't feel like you can talk about them with anyone. They can be so overwhelming and intrusive. It can feel all-consuming and out of control. I am really glad that you have been able to see your GP though - it sounds like he has been very supportive and offered a helpful perspective for you to think about. Do you have a follow up appointment planned with him?

I'm sorry that small things are causing you to feel so much hurt... sometimes things accumulate and it doesn't take much to push you over the edge. You're not in alone in feeling that, but yeah it can feel awful. I don't know what the solution is, but it won't always feel like that.

Can you identify any stressors that are causing the harmful thoughts? It can help knowing your triggers. Sometimes writing your thoughts out can help, whether that is typing on a word document or writing on a piece of paper, I don't know whether you have done this before, and it may sound a bit silly, but it can help in organising your thoughts somewhat, externalising them, getting them out of your head and onto the page and seeing them in a different way.

Please know that we are here to listen. Take care and please reach out as and when you feel up to it.

Thinking about death.... all the time...

Guest_1643 — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 09:09:35 GMT

Hi Mark,

I'm sorry you have had those thoughts too. i hope you have found ways to feel not affected by them

a friend called the triage coz they were worried about me as i mentioned something about suicide

so today i got a call from them which was... interesting.

I think something has triggered it... i have had a recent interaction with my family who I normally don't speak to. It was upsetting.

I still didn't get the call from the gp who does check-ins. I tried to call him, my friend said to call him lots lol.

He isn't as good as the other one. Thank you Mark for caring.

Thinking about death.... all the time...

Truc — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 09:21:09 GMT

Hi...

I used to think all the time about being death, then somehow I realized that is it gonna help me to solve a problem, hmm actually no, it actually makes me feel guilty more, I do not know about your situation so I just share mine it would be more credible to me and may be to you, why do I feel guilty ? to be an university student is hard to me, I do not have enough money to support myself and pay tuition at the same time, however, luckily my parents helped me out, as I am over 18 years old now of course, I feel like I had owned my parents a lot, from the time I was born till now still somehow have to rely on them, those are enough motivation for me to live to fulfill my responsibilty to pay them back, I know they do not want my money back, but it motivated me, and actually I do not feel right if I choose to die when I still also have other responsibilites and debt not just from my parents but also my friends and people who helped me out when I was depressed and struggled. sometimes, when I have time alone and recalled back there is not just people around me but also people who saved my life when I was drowned when I was a kid, to be honest I dont remember who that is but just heard from my parents , but to think hmm... they saved me, now I choose to die, then their effort is wasted, I do not want it, so I choose to live to improve and maybe someday, I can pay them back or at least I can see them and say thank you, those things I have not finished yet, so I am still trying to do so. I hope it is helpful

Thinking about death.... all the time...

Guest_1643 — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 10:31:09 GMT

Hey Sunnl20

Sorry I couldn't write earlier I've had a little bit of a streesful day with calls from the triage
How are you?
I went to the park today and wrote to clear my head and before shopping today I wrote a list of things which helped me

I like the idea of writing. I like it a lot, thank you

I have a follow up apt with the GP on the first day he's back from leave

No one called me today from the clinic like he said they would. It made me sad and over everything. But I guess this is just what happens sometimes.

Thinking about death.... all the time...

Hanna3 — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 11:49:44 GMT

Hi Sleepy,

Being estranged from your family makes everything harder - I'm estranged from my family, I haven't seen them i years, it makes things tough.

Christmas doesn't help and I know you've been feeling down for a while now. I used to find just telling myself I'd hang on for another minute, and another minute, would help when I've been really feeling bad.

I just don't want you to feel so alone - remember there are people here who care about you. You've been so kind and friendly on the forums... so hang in there, things will improve even if it's only inch by inch!

Things will pick up Sleepy. For the time being all you have to do is hang on. Just know that you are not as totally alone as you are feeling... hugs Sleepy.

Thinking about death.... all the time...

Hanna3 — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 12:08:23 GMT

Please do know that you are valuable and valued, Sleepy.

Thinking about death.... all the time...

white knight — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 12:13:23 GMT

Hi Sleepy

Just an idea, as you like writing perhaps if you put in the search box "poetry corner put your poems here" you'll get a lot of pleasure reading those.

Death has haunted man since he/she first had inspiration and intelligence. As a person that always sees a positive in a negative, being suicidal or thoughts (been there ) places us in a highly emotional state. It's a time I wrote my best poetry. This state is a tough place but writing counters it, it's a way of draining the clouds...

TonyWK

Thinking about death.... all the time...

Guest_1643 — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 12:17:55 GMT

Thank you so much for replying
Thanks Hanna for sharing and I'm so sorry you have had to hang on minute by minute also

It is something i'm doing also

UPDATE:

Finally got my check-in call at 10:42pm from a very busy and drained doctor. The MH system sometimes is so frustrating. I'm happy he called but omg....nearly 11pm?

Thinking about death.... all the time...

Matchy69 — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 18:36:30 GMT

Hi Sleepy I am glad someone rung you finally.It was a bit late but at least they did ring.I thought the text I had from my ex-wife after 9 pm was late.It is for me I am usually asleep by 7 and awake at 2am yet I wake up so tired and by lunch time I can't do anything.
I have various things that happen to me during the day that trigger me and I don't realise at the time that it will trigger me but later on effects me and can have horrible nightmares.I know what it is like having family family that doesn't talk to you.My family the little I have left rarely talks to me and I tried to ring my brother before I went in for my surgery and never returned my calls so I have given up on him.
Take care,
Mark.

Thinking about death.... all the time...

ecomama — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 20:04:32 GMT

Hey Sleepy

Hugs.

It's so hard having these thoughts.

I know the feeling. Maybe it was a lure, an "escape" for me at the time. I don't really know.

But I think I know WHY now. Exhaustion. Abuse. Horrible ppl in my life and home.
Being forced to go NC with "important" ppl. Family in there too.

I wish I had all the answers and could put them all in a box and gift them to you.

You mean alot to me and to so many people on the forums you've supported with your kindness and compassion.

That box with all the answers to help you will be one of your own making, over time, one day you'll know all that helped you.

For now it seems never ending and exhausting because it is.

Please know you're never really alone.
That there are people here who've trodden the same path.
And recovered.

It may not sound like anything right now to you, I understand.
But loving yourself, showing the same compassion to yourself that you show others, being your own best friend and treating yourself is part of the solution.

Love always
EM

Thinking about death.... all the time...

Guest_1643 — Fri, 25 Dec 2020 01:08:24 GMT

Hi Tony

I"m sorry you had that horrible feeling too and I know it is hard.
You were able to make something beatiful out of it with poetry

I have started recently carrying a notebook around with me and jotting things down, and they are becoming poems.
Sometmes when the poem forms I get anxious and can't continue it - so they are very short right now.
But every so often I'm writing freely and expressing more and more of what i'm going through.

I also draw and write down plans for the day if I feel overwhelmed.
I will check out the poems here

Thinking about death.... all the time...

white knight — Fri, 25 Dec 2020 01:26:00 GMT

Hi EM

You are so kind EM. We wish we could spread it far and wide.

Sleepy, your attitude is remarkable. You listen, give things a go and have a heart. Amazing person.

Poetry doesn't need to rhyme, make sense to others etc, it can be really personal. It can be used as a gift.

E.g. several years ago I wrote a poem to a woman 13 years my senior. It ended with these words

"You are too young toy be my mother,
But you'll always be a mum to me...."

Or the shortest poem I've written

PETALS OF POWER

Rushing here and there you'll get there soon
But you haven't lived, if you haven't seen a flower bloom...

I hope we here can provide you with inspiration, help you find direction, meaning, purpose and above all...care.

TonyWK

Thinking about death.... all the time...

Guest_1643 — Fri, 25 Dec 2020 01:27:23 GMT

hi Mark - i can understand the frustation of having someone call you later than u are usually awake

I hope you're sleeping okay... it is hard to feel tired during the day at different times.... i have that too.

I appreciate you writing and making me feel less alone.
You're right that it is good that he called me. I was rejected from seeing a professional I wanted to see with no real reason... to help with my MH. I thought I would be accepted and get an appointment but they rejected me. So the gp sent another referral but he said that doctor is also very busy and might reject it. But at least he sent something.

They have recommended I get out of the house very early in the morning to get some sunlight as they think it will regulate my sleep. Do u get sun in the mornings? i hope it helps

Thinking about death.... all the time...

Hanna3 — Fri, 25 Dec 2020 01:34:13 GMT

Hi Sleepy,

Yep sunlight helps with sleep as it helps your body produce serotonin, which is vital for good sleep.

Glad to see you are hanging in there, good on you. Take care dear lady we do care about you. Hugs.

Thinking about death.... all the time...

Delectable — Fri, 25 Dec 2020 01:36:39 GMT

Hello Sleepy, I’m sorry that you’re struggling, I myself removed myself from my situation as I was scared of staying home, I just completed a 16km walk along the beach picking up shells and clambering up cliffs, trying to avoid eye contact with people...

You’ve been very kind to me and I hope in return people show you how much of an amazing human being you are...I hope others can help you in this difficult time for you, take care.

Thinking about death.... all the time...

Guest_1643 — Fri, 25 Dec 2020 04:21:11 GMT

Hi Tony

thank you i do give things a go which works out from time to time...

i love those poems... petals of power is so nice

i used to write quite frequently but lately it's a bit triggering. i want to, though.

i've tried to get some space today...i was people pleasing a bit with some friends checking in on me but at the moment i can only deal with a few ppl i feel close to. Because I don't like to hide that i've been suicidal and yet with acquiantances of course i have to. That's why it's nice to come here. I feel okay to write here

Thinking about death.... all the time...

golden82 — Fri, 25 Dec 2020 07:24:40 GMT

Hi Sleepy and everyone,

Sleepy - I am sorry to find this thread of yours - I hope you are okay. As you can tell from all the kind messages of support you have all of us in your corner. I have been reading some of the threads and seen the self care one where you are absolutely smashing it! Amazing! I lay in bed reading and think gee, I really should do some of that self care stuff...

But unfortunately it is a rough time for me with Xmas alone again - I have been in bed - just waiting for it to pass. Then hopefully some self care tomorrow or maybe in the new year? But staying in bed was self care I suppose today - as it served to avoid the Xmas world hitting me in my lonely face.

Delectable - Hello and good on you for that beach walk today - that was a plan of mine too - but too much sadness. Hopefully next year. I have read a bit of your thread too and things seem pretty tough for you - so double good on you for doing that walk. Inspiring for me.

Take care everyone.