topic Feeling desperate to make this stop in Long-term support over the journey

Feeling desperate to make this stop

Lilly99 — Tue, 14 May 2019 05:33:57 GMT

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

Feeling desperate to make this stop

HelpfulP — Tue, 14 May 2019 05:55:10 GMT

Hi Lilly99, well we all go through some rough patches, mine I was living overseas at the time feeling really lost cold and broke, but like that say it too shall pass, but you need to know by just being here you are needed and wanted, You have intrinsic value and bring something special to the world just by being here. This might be a bit hard to understand but the thoughts you are having aren't really your thoughts most people feel similar from time to time, so you aren't really alone. Sometimes we need to be reminded of what we have rather than want we haven't so I give gratitude every day for what I have and just let go of the things I don't. I hope that helps. Chin Up...

Feeling desperate to make this stop

Lilly99 — Tue, 14 May 2019 06:36:05 GMT

Hi , thank you for your reply , but I never think of what I don’t have . I just need this pain to stop . Selfish I know because I have a family but I can’t keep going feeling like this , I used to think I will get better some day but the reality is it’s never going to happen . I need to be at peace

Feeling desperate to make this stop

Jojo100 — Tue, 14 May 2019 07:24:15 GMT

Hi Lilly99

Welcome to the BB forums and for reaching out here. I am sorry to hear about your struggles with depression and anxiety. I just want to give you hope that people do recover and get better.

I have bipolar type I and was in and out of hospital on a regular basis until they found medications that suited me and kept me stable. I have experienced extreme depression and severe anxiety so know how distressing that can be.

Another thing that has kept me well is having a really good GP who understands my illness and who can refer me to mental health services if required.

I don’t know what age group you are in but people up to age 25 have access to Headspace which is a really good service (just google it). This is an Australia wide service.

Hope this is of some help and remember you are truly not alone. There is help out there you just need to find what suits your needs.

Take care of yourself

Jojo

Feeling desperate to make this stop

Lilly99 — Tue, 14 May 2019 08:14:01 GMT

Thank you for your reply Jojo. I have had help by my gp and a lot of other people . I think I have just had enough. This has been going on for years . I just can’t take it anymore . I am sick of feeling sad and anxious every day , I really can’t make it through another day feeling like this .

Feeling desperate to make this stop

Jojo100 — Tue, 14 May 2019 08:31:06 GMT

Hi Lilly99

I hear your pain and desperation, please don’t give up on yourself. There were times when the only thing that kept me here was my little dog. That’s her in the picture. She literally saved my life. You mentioned you have a family they need you more than you know.

Please continue to reach out and talk to someone today such as BB phone line or life line on 13 11 14 or the Samaritans on 1800 198 313. There is help out there don’t give up or be alone with all this. You are worth it.

Take care

Jojo

Feeling desperate to make this stop

newlife19 — Tue, 14 May 2019 08:54:04 GMT

Lilly99, you’ve been here before.

its agonising. It absolutely completely sucks. It is the biggest burden.

nobody would wish it on their worst enemy.

it robs you of everything, you’re right.

But- hold on.

just for tonight, tonight is not the night and tomorrow is not the day.

its far too cold for your family to be outside running place to place dealing with police and making funeral arrangements.

let them stay warm for the next few days...

can you please do that?

Feeling desperate to make this stop

Lilly99 — Tue, 14 May 2019 09:10:17 GMT

Thank you for your reply. It’s just hard to calm down and think rationally at the moment when I feel this bad . All I want is my mind to be at peace . Sorry I know everyone on this site feels the same . I feel selfish talking about myself . I really am a waste of space . I detest this person I have become so much . I have lost myself and become this pathetic self absorbed needy person . So embarrassing

Feeling desperate to make this stop

newlife19 — Tue, 14 May 2019 10:00:29 GMT

Absolutely not.

im here right now with you feeling the same way...

Feeling desperate to make this stop

Lilly99 — Tue, 14 May 2019 10:12:07 GMT

Sorry I know you are struggling as well or you wouldn’t be on this site. I am so selfish .

I just don’t think I can make it through tonight . I don’t want to make it through tonight . Tomorrow will just be the same . The sun coming up to a day I don’t want to face , I wish you well with your struggles and hope you can overcome them .

Feeling desperate to make this stop

newlife19 — Tue, 14 May 2019 10:23:43 GMT

The depression is so cruel at making us feel useless...

but what if tomorrow the world was without you ? Just think about the fall out... you would be so very missed.

you are here for a reason.

Feeling desperate to make this stop

newlife19 — Tue, 14 May 2019 22:19:40 GMT

Lilly99,

how are you doing?

Feeling desperate to make this stop

Jojo100 — Wed, 15 May 2019 07:15:14 GMT

Hi Lilly99

You are in my thoughts and I hope you are safe. How are things today? Keep reaching out here if you are able. There is hope for you and you deserve to get the help & support you need.

Take care and be kind to yourself because you are worth it.

Best wishes

Jojo

Feeling desperate to make this stop

Lilly99 — Wed, 15 May 2019 10:42:02 GMT

Hi newlife and Jojo,

I am sorry you have felt you have needed to check up on me . Really I am not worth the effort . I am still feeling really bad but made it through the night somehow .

I am a worthless person so you don’t have to worry about me . I don’t know how to keep going . I really hate myself . I hate who I am, what I have become . I honestly see myself as a joke . Really wonder why I am here . I am really not worth your kindness. I even hate what I have done going on this site making people worry about me. Really how pathetic. Thank you for you help and advice . I just think maybe I have asked for help too late.

Feeling desperate to make this stop

Jojo100 — Wed, 15 May 2019 11:56:36 GMT

Hi Lilly99

I am so glad to hear you made it through the night even though it must have been very difficult. The negative thoughts you are having is just the depression talking, telling you lies. You are not worthless or a joke and it is never too late to get help.

Whatever kept you going last night that is a strength you need to hold on to and use to get you through moment by moment. You are stronger than you think.

Could you please try phone counselling such as at BB which is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636. Don’t ever stop reaching out until you find the support that you so desperately need.

You deserve to be heard and to get better - it is possible. I have been there and once I found suitable support for my needs and medication that worked for me my life began to turn around.

Stay safe. All the best

Jojo

Feeling desperate to make this stop

Lilly99 — Wed, 15 May 2019 12:14:33 GMT

Jojo I have tried phone supports . I actually think I there isn’t anything I haven’t tried . I think there comes a point when you think enough is enough.

Its great you were able to get the help and recover . I just think it’s not possible for me. Honestly I feel like there isn’t any hope . It’s hard to explain . I have given up . Is it really worth fighting for ? It’s just going to be ongoing emotional pain that’s relentless .

Feeling desperate to make this stop

Nahmate830 — Thu, 16 May 2019 01:18:44 GMT

Hi Lilly,

you don,t need to tell us about it at all,its not our business and no matter what it is wont change our desire to support you, but do you yourself know what event or events in your life caused this pain inside you? have you spoken to anyone about it, are you still speaking to anyone about it?

you aren't worthless and telling yourself that you are doesn't make it so.

I am experiencing a lot of the same feelings that you are talking about and have a similar self image to what you do, but its out of line with what other people would tell you about me and I'm sure if i were to ask those that know you about you that their views of you would totally contradict what you are saying about yourself.

During a dark patch I went through a number of years ago there was a lady that I used to see at the train station, and each morning she would flash me a friendly smile and I would smile back, and she will never know just how much I valued that smile and how much it meant to me, and for all you know you are that person in someone else's life, someone who will never know how important they are but for whom without you their day would remain dark and smile free.

I urge you to seek further medical help, a review on any medications you are taking and to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist about what you are feeling. i would also ask that you please try challenge your self talk and when you find yourself mentally going down a dark road to stop and try create a new narrative where you recognise all that is good in you and how you are worthy of a life filled with love and happiness.

take care

Feeling desperate to make this stop

Jojo100 — Thu, 16 May 2019 05:26:55 GMT

Hi Lilly99

Yes you are worth fighting for. You are fighting for your life and you need support. This is a battle, but please let people in, let people help you. It all feels too much at times, but you have shown you are strong. It is not a weakness to ask for help.

I had a lot of help when I came out of hospital by community mental health services. They made all the difference to me. Sometimes I didn’t feel they were helping, but I kept engaging with them anyway until I was well enough to be discharged.

I think something like that could really help you too at this time. I know you have said you have tried everything, but surely it would be better than trying to cope with everything all by yourself?

Community mental health services here run social groups too such as art and walking/coffee clubs which gets you out and about too so it’s not all medical focused. This was a great distraction for me and I made some new friends too so I didn’t feel so alone.

Please keep trying. This time things might be very different from your previous experiences. You can do it. Give yourself another chance to reach out.

Best wishes

Jojo

Feeling desperate to make this stop

Lilly99 — Thu, 16 May 2019 08:13:35 GMT

Hi Nahmate and Jojo ,

i have seen a community mental health nurse for a couple of years but not anymore . I have tried a lot of different medication , I have seen psychologists . I saw my psychiatrist only a week ago who said he will see me in 6 weeks. Really 6 weeks ? Does he not know how serious I am about how I am feeling. I can’t make it through another day . My doctor I see every couple of weeks. I am not going back to see her . What’s the point . The thing is i go for help and after a half and hour appointment I walk out to face the world I don’t want to be in. That’s why I am not going back to see anyone for help . I just can’t anymore.

I felt like my last resort was going into hospital for 4 weeks hoping tms would work. But it didn’t . It just made me more hopeless .

Thank you for telling me all your positive experiences . I know there are good people out there. Like all of you. I really appreciate all your kind words . But you don’t know me and like I said I am not worth it.

There are things I can’t live and think about anymore . I feel like I am suffocating. I feel like something has died inside me. I can’t let people in to help because I am not sure i care anymore what happens . I feel like I am self destructing in a way because I want the mind to stop . The pain stop. I need to feel calm , peace .

Thank you again for caring . I wish everyone who is on this site good wishes . And please don’t feel like you have to respond.

Lilly

Feeling desperate to make this stop

Jojo100 — Thu, 16 May 2019 10:08:10 GMT

Dear Lilly

I am responding because I care about you and am worried you are falling through the cracks in the mental health system. If I were you I would phone up the clinic explaining why you can’t wait six weeks for another appointment - just like you have been sharing here. Or go back to your GP and have her ring on your behalf. You deserve to be seen much sooner considering how you are feeling.

It sounds like you have some things from the past weighing you down. Which is why it would be worth finding someone you can trust to ease your burden and get off your chest.

When I went to a psychologist I found it hard to open up face to face. I ended up writing down what was bothering me as I needed to get things out. I took this to my appointment which really helped and meant we were able to get to the bottom of my problems. It was such a relief to discover that certain things were not my fault and I was able to let go and move on.

This is what I wish for you the peace of knowing you did the best you could. As always take care & stay safe xox

Jojo