topic I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this in Long-term support over the journey

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Unicorndogge — Mon, 13 Jan 2020 00:10:28 GMT

I don’t know how to start this but I am sick and tired of having no one to talk to and nothing to do. I sit at home and just do written jobs. No one even cares if I sit on my own all day.I have tried to talk to people that i went to school with but none of them have even showed any interest, I am so desperate. I cry myself to sleep most nights I can’t sleep because what’s the point. I am good at nothing which makes me un- useful. None of this youth groups can help me and my consular doesn’t know how to help either. I am so scared of what I have become, 20 and I have no friends or job even worse no one likes me. I just think what is the point of living when there is nothing to live for, this is cruel world. If anyone is reading this I am not forcing you to answer but if you do Thankyou very much.

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Aaronsis — Mon, 13 Jan 2020 00:38:10 GMT

Welcome Unicorndoggee, not only am I not forced to answer..I WANT TO ANSWER..you matter so very much and I can hear how sad and over it you are. We care so very much here and want to support you and to help you through this time.

It is so great that you have found this space to come and to get some help. This is a really safe space so please feel free to share as much as you feel comfortable to.

I am so sorry that you have not found the counsellor helpful, can I suggest though just as we don't get along with everyone in life, cousellors are people too and it takes sometimes a few to make the connection and therefore get the help that we need at the time.

I really love your profile pic..did you draw that? If so, there is something you are good at as that is a really great pic.

Life is a really hard place to be sometimes and it does seem so unfair and very cruel, however I think with some support you can see a brighter tomorrow and that this is a time in your life and does not have to be the rest of your life.

I will sit with you and be your friend and talk, about anything you like.

Huge hugs to you, please stay safe and if you are not safe please call 000 and have an ambulance come, you matter so very much and are so very worth it Unicorndogge.

Sarah xxx

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Unicorndogge — Mon, 13 Jan 2020 02:43:16 GMT

Thankyou so much for answering😊. And yes I drew that picture it was of my dog lector. It’s just I have waited and waited and nothing has happened, it’s like there’s nothing there for me. 2 years almost 3 now and not one significant thing has happened, why wait any longer I am getting older and older. I hate this time of of year it just makes me think of what I could of done if I hadn’t wasted all this time trying with no outcome and then birthday is coming up yay I am turning 20 and all I can think about is getting old.

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Aaronsis — Mon, 13 Jan 2020 02:59:50 GMT

Hey Unicorndogge

Great to chat to you some more, and the picture is so very good, there is something that you could do to ease the mind and have a hobbie to enjoy as well. You are very good at it.

I understand the looming old age thing, although I am 45 on Friday so 20 to me seems like a whole life time ago! It is never, never too late to start something new or start anything for that matter. I think I am still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up..I just started Uni doing Mental Health and Psychology online, I am now volunteering for BB, there are so many things that pop up in your life, it is never too late.

Is volunteering something that you might like to try, there are so many organisations out there and you just never know who you might meet or even find a new interest, you may not like it at all and that is apart of the learning.

I hear you say you have waited for so long know and nothing has happened, how would you feel about seeing the GP and chatting to them and putting a plan in place for you. To try to get your journey to wellness started? Sometimes we have to throw ourselves into things to break the cycle and to get life back on track, as scary as that might seem, it might work too. There is a saying that I love and think about it from time to get me back on track "if you always do what you have always done, you always get what you've always got"....sometimes moves me to get myself together.

This time of year is hard, new year, new expectations, a whole new year ahead of nothing, but can I tell you to shut that voice down in your head that says you are not worth it, you so very much are, and you can, you can make small steps each day and choose you and choose happiness.

I am hoping you think that a trip to the GP is a good idea.

Hope to chat to you some more

Sarah xxx

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Unicorndogge — Mon, 13 Jan 2020 07:52:16 GMT

Hi again

i am not sure what’s around my area. I done volunteering once when I was 16 and liked it but I was living with my nan.Plus I still live with my dad and his girlfriend. I don’t really talk to either of them because they don’t want to talk to me but my dads girlfriend i am really scared of her, she is so tight with me, she has a go at what I wear, when I eat, what I say to her, what I do and that’s my problem I feel I like I can’t do anything coz she will just get angry at me. My confidence is low, also I have autism so that doesn’t help with anything I want to achieve.

I don’t have very good doctor and i don’t think his gonna really help because all the times I have went there to get a new prescription for my medication he thinks there’s nothing wrong with me.

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

smallwolf — Mon, 13 Jan 2020 12:28:33 GMT

Hi Unicorndogge,

Just thought I would pop in to say hello to you.

Read your post and ... What do you want to achieve?

As far as volunteering is concerned, if you do a google search for

volunteering near me

you might find a number of options to follow up on?

I will chat more with you later if thats OK.

Tim

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Aaronsis — Mon, 13 Jan 2020 23:23:43 GMT

Hey Unicorndogge

That is great to hear that you have tried to do some volunteer work before and that you liked it, there are so many things that are around and sometimes they don't jump out at you to think of. There could be old age homes that you could visit and even do some drawing with the residents, sometimes these people are forgotten and love the company. There could be animal welfare groups or things like that. I can see you like animals so perhaps even at a vet or the likes might have some work that you can do to chip in and fill some time and feel good about you and productive too.

I am so sorry to hear that you don't feel that home is a great place to be and that you struggle with your dad's girlfriend, that is really hard. I hear that you feel like she is really critical of you and that she doesn't support you. I am not sure about how you would feel about chatting to her and asking her why she does speak like that to you, I know this might be confronting but it might help in clearing the air with her and making home more bearable. You could even write her a note to let her know how you are feeling if you cannot manage a conversation?

Huge hugs to you and chat soon

Sarah

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Unicorndogge — Tue, 14 Jan 2020 02:13:17 GMT

Hi tim and Thankyou for answering☺️

i went and searched up volunteering but there isn’t much. Plus I don’t think I would be that useful anyway I am a horrible person.

what I want is to be like everyone else my age. Have friends, have fun, have a job and maybe eventually get a boyfriend😔 but I am not smart enough for any of those things and no one likes me to start with. I wish I was more likeable.

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Unicorndogge — Tue, 14 Jan 2020 02:28:27 GMT

Hi Sarah

I don’t know what to do with myself, the truth is I will never be able to be normal because of autism, once people can see that no one wants me. I want to get a job and get out of here but I know that’s never going to happen. My dads girlfriend is always angry at me because we are completely different people we both have opposite opinions and she thinks and treats me like I am 10 years of age. I can’t even be myself around her or anyone, I feel like if I do be myself I just ruin my chances at everything, I really did try though to get her to like me 😔 I bought her nice stuff and I checked on her when she was sad and now she hates me 😭 it hurts. I read what she said to the consular it wasn’t nice. Anyway sorry and thanks for being here.

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

smallwolf — Tue, 14 Jan 2020 02:34:38 GMT

You are not a horrible person, you are struggling with a few things currently. Are there any barriers to you working any of those volunteer jobs? How does autism impact here?

Getting out might provide you with a distraction, meet new people, perhaps friends etc. I am not trying to push you if you are not ready. Perhaps with a plan you could who knows what is possible?

Tim

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Unicorndogge — Tue, 14 Jan 2020 02:44:01 GMT

Hi tim

Well what’s stopping me is that I am scared because every single thing I have done before this hasn’t changed anything. I don’t have autism that bad I talk fine but the problem is that once people figure out something is different with me they don’t want anything to do with me.

I want to get out but I don’t know what’s going to work for me.

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Aaronsis — Tue, 14 Jan 2020 03:39:14 GMT

Hello Unicorndogge

I just wanted to say something about "NORMAL", I am not really sure that any of us are "normal" everyone has something that they are not sure of, or not happy with, or think people judge them for, I understand that with autism you might feel that people judge you, perhaps they do, but that is on them, and not to be taken on by you..if that makes sense. You are perfect the way you are and you love you the way you are. You have every right to go out there into that world and try new things, meet new people and have a happy life. It might start with just one small thing to get you out of the house and to meet some new people. Just one step,then another step.

I can hear how overwhelmed you are and I am so very sorry that you are feeling so very sad and alone. It really is tough.

I just also wanted to say about your comment "I just want to get out but I don't know what is going to work for me"..the thing is, if you never give it a go, you will never know...I think all of us have to try to do something a little scary or try something new, if it doesn't work that is fine, but it might be amazing and you have found something you love to do.

You are so worth it, you are not worthless or hopeless at all. I think another thing is sometimes we have to be a little bit vulnerable and put ourselves out there, if people don't like us that is fine, but some people will like us, and they are the ones you hold dear. If you dont get out there though, you will never know.

Huge hugs

Sarah xx

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Unicorndogge — Tue, 14 Jan 2020 21:50:10 GMT

Hi Sarah

I am sick of dreaming and that’s all I got.i dream that I have friends and have fun and even someone that loves me. I have tried things, I went to tafe, and even these social things and not one thing has done me any good. Their is no hope for me and I am just a waste of space. I don’t see the point anymore. This is the only thing that people talk to me on and are nice.

i am not sure what I like, but I know that I like to learn new things but I have never been good at one of them which sucks coz I want to be useful but everything I try I suck. I took up knitting recently but because I am left handed it’s hard to learn so idk.

The thing is that I don’t see who’s going to want to be my friend when no one does now, even so I always make mistakes and sometimes I don’t know what I have done wrong and I hate myself for that. I have tried to mix in with other people that have autism but I feel because I am very high functioning that I don’t relate to them very well.

Thankyou for the hugs I really appreciate them💜

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Sophie_M — Tue, 14 Jan 2020 22:00:33 GMT

Hi Unicorndogge,

I'm really glad that you're reaching out on the forums. I'm sorry that you're going through a hard time, but you're not alone in those feelings. With the right treatment and support, things can get better. We have sent you a private message with some more support if you need it.

We're all here for you,

Sophie

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Aaronsis — Tue, 14 Jan 2020 22:25:51 GMT

Hey Hayley, it is lovely to know your name.

It is so very hard, very hard to be a young person these days and I am talking to others here too with the very similar story to yours, you are not alone and you are not worthless, it is hard, to connect and to make friends and to have the courage to keep trying and trying when all you feel is rejected and hopeless.

You are a young, 20 year old woman and you want what every person does, some friends and someone to care and someone to love you. That is mostly what we all want in this life so you are not foolish for wanting that too, the fact that you have autism is no way going to impact the person who you meet when they are the right person for you. It does take time, however you have to get out there to find them...so, how are we going to do that? I think that some time out of the house and away from your thoughts and your dad's girlfriend would be really good for you. How would you feel about trying for a part time job to start with, I know that sounds scary but there are jobs you can do that you don't have to be in the face of customer service but still meet people. This will also help in that you will have some cash of your own too. You just never know who is out there waiting to meet you Hayley and you deserve happiness, so go grab it girl!

I know you wrote "every single thing I have done before this hasn’t changed anything"..so let's try some new things??? I know it might seem scary but I will be here to help you through and to chat and support you Hayley, one step at a time, one foot then another foot infront of the other.

There is hope and there is so much for you in the future and it is not always going to feel this bad, that I know.

Huge hugs Hayley as always

Sarah xxx

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Unicorndogge — Wed, 15 Jan 2020 03:22:27 GMT

Hi Sarah

I want to get out of this house and find something that’s right but getting out of here is hard. My dads girlfriend wants to know everything I do and I have no privacy whatsoever she checks what I do on my phone so I always delete my browsing history. She takes my phone of me for no reason then I cannot do anything she leaves me, she says she cares but if she did she wouldn’t just leave me everyday with nothing do to but clean the house. I really do want to get away from her and I have even thought of going homeless if I had to.

i wish I could stop the thoughts from happening but I can’t they help me go to sleep, I just wish it was real sometimes even though what I think about is unrealistic.

well I am trying to get a part time job, I had a meeting yesterday with a lady that might be able to help me but I am not sure just yet if it will work. My dad and his girlfriend thinks I am too dumb to be able to keep a job maybe their right there is nothing practically useful about me.

i don’t know how many more new things they are. Not around here anyway I live in a touristy place.

everyone says it’s going to get better but if it was it would have improved by now. But I guess we just gotta keep going but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Aaronsis — Wed, 15 Jan 2020 04:11:29 GMT

Hey Hayley

That is pretty unfair that at 20 years old you don't have some privacy on your phone. Do you feel like this is something that you could ask next time she asks for your phone? It could be very polite and quiet and something like "I was just wondering what it is that you are wanting my phone for have I done something to cause a problem?" then perhaps she will say why she wants the phone to which you might say "I understand what you are saying but I feel like I don't have any privacy". Have a think about that and see how you feel. If you are not doing anything to cause alarm, which I am sure you are not, I am not sure why she needs to see that. Also I feel it should be your dad not her that is checking...just a thought.

That is really rough that you are left to do the housework. Are you expected to do all the work? Does your dad and his girlfriend chip in too?

I wish every bit of my being that this job comes through for you, it would be great for you to get out and about and to mix with some new people and have a sense of purpose and make you feel good about yourself. Also perhaps tire you out a bit too which will help with the sleeping. I am so sorry that you feel like your dad thinks you are dumb, that is really hurtful Hayley and I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Just a thought but is there some other family that you have you could stay with? Even just for awhile to get some confidence and get away from the current environment?

Things really can get better Hayley and tomorrow really can look different to today. You need a break and some positive things in your life and I think that will make a huge difference to you. Please hold on, I hear how tired you are and my heart breaks for you. You are such a delightful person and I wish everything wonderful for you.

Hugs and more hugs

Sarah

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Unicorndogge — Wed, 15 Jan 2020 21:17:12 GMT

Hi Sarah

I know why she wants to check my phone it’s my fault, she’s just trying to protect me from what happened 3 years ago. I don’t like what happened and I never meant for it to happen but I was pretty vulnerable when it did. And I did it again but that was because I was lonely 😔 but I stopped doing it last year. I don’t really want to explain what I did because it will make me look even stupider.

i am left to do most of the house work, I have tried to ask my dad to help me but he just goes out spearfishing or surfing he does cook however. My dads girlfriend is at work all day so when she comes home she is all tried and grumpy.

i don’t know how long it’s going to take to get things sorted but I hope it’s soon. It’s really hard to just fake your happy with things. I have to do everyday otherwise if I don’t they will start arguing with me.

I have my nan that lives up the coast and that’s about it. I had to live with my nan for 2 years when I was 15,16. And I just caused problems so there is no way she is going to take me in even now. But at least she talks to me it helps even if it’s about nothing, I just wish they could see it I tried to tell them ages ago and all I got back from them was stop whingeing and I have been at work all day.

i feel like a lying when really everything is my fault and I am just blaming others so I apologise 😞

hayley

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Aaronsis — Wed, 15 Jan 2020 21:57:39 GMT

Hey Hayley

I understand that you have done something in the past that you are not proud of, and that is part of life, we do make mistakes and as long as you learn from them. You are not stupid, you are human and we do silly things and we make mistakes and it is how we get up from them that matters. You can share here as much as you feel comfortable to, if it helps to talk about it I am here, if not that is totally fine too. At some point though your dad's girlfriend and you dad have to give you back some trust and in return you demonstrate that you have learned from your mistakes. I think if this checking your phone is becoming and issue for you then a conversation as to how you can put them at peace with knowing you will not be repeating the mistakes of the past and for them to allow you some privacy.

Just an idea here, how would you feel about going out with your dad one day surfing? You can spend time with your dad as well as hang out on the beach and have some time out of the house, is that an option for you? It could be some time to reconnect with your dad too.

I am so glad that you have a good relationship with your nan after a trying time with her, that is so wonderful and she sounds like a beautiful woman. It is so great to have these people in your life.

You are not a whinger and this is not your fault Hayley, you are struggling at the moment and calling out for help, I am just wondering if reaching out to your dad to tell him how you are feeling and perhaps a trip to the GP is in order?? What do you think about that?

Huge hugs to you and I hope that you can do something wonderful today, what about a drawing?

Huge hugs to you Hayley xx

Sarah xxx

I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

Unicorndogge — Thu, 16 Jan 2020 03:03:06 GMT

Hi Sarah

What I did was embarrassing for me and them, I try not to think about it but I do have my reasons for doing what I did. It’s hard when they don’t trust you at all and I don’t know how to tell them that’s it’s been months since these things have happened. I feel like I have no confidence when my dad and my brother say that I am stupid and dumb all the time, to be honest I don’t think they realise how much it hurts me.

I don’t think my dad would want me to come to the beach with him after all he always runs off without telling me where his going. Before he meet that woman we all used to do stuff together now it’s just everyone does there own thing.

My dad doesn’t know how to help and his girlfriend thinks she’s helping but it’s me. You can’t help someone that’s already withered away. I used to be a talkative, energetic person and no that’s gone so many people telling me not to act that way and how immature it is, as I say if you don’t like myself then too bad coz you can’t change yourself.

And yes I tried using some alcohol inks this morning they came up cool but not the way it’s supposed to look☹️

hayley

hugs back