topic I made a big mistake... in Long-term support over the journey

I made a big mistake...

_Nik_ — Sun, 17 Nov 2019 02:56:19 GMT

hi,

I have been feeling suicidal for a while, and that's just been a common fact about me. But, I don't tend to tell people this. There was this guy, a few years older than me (he's a year 12) and he's been helping me out, he's a good friend of mine, but sometimes he gets angry when I do what he says is "stupid things" to myself. At least, I know he cares.

We go to drama together, and I only get to see him for two hours each week, which is hard, but that's not the point.

I made a big mistake:

I opened up a group chat, with about 10 people (my friends from drama) and I wrote a goodbye note. I don't think I should have done that. I also have anxiety, so I'm kinda scared that I made a mistake. I just wanted to say goodbye, in case I did something. I'm not planning anything just yet, but it was a "Just in case" note. I didn't tell them that though.

Only one person has replied. What should I do?

I made a big mistake...

Aaronsis — Sun, 17 Nov 2019 03:17:46 GMT

Hi Nik

I am so glad that you have reached out and come to get some support, I can see how scared and worried you are and you are in a place now to get some support and comfort here.

I would like to say though if you are not safe right now to please call an ambulance on 000, if you are ok but not feeling right at this moment can I ask you to call Lifeline on 13 11 14, there you will get to speak to some wonderful people who are professionals and can help you through this time.

I can hear how desperate you are in that you did write a good bye note to your friends, I also hear that you are really regretting doing that. I am not sure what your friends would be thinking but I am sure that they are probably not sure what to do and how to react, depending on what you have said in your note they may have also seen it as an appreciation note and that you might be expressing your gratitude for their friendship.

Can I also ask if you have spoken to your parents about how you are feeling? I know you will not want to worry them however, they love you and will want to support you and comfort you through this time. If you are not sure what to say you could show them your post here as it expresses very well how you are feeling and addresses the note that you sent to your friends. I think also your parents would want to hear how you are feeling from you, and might I suggest that if one of your school friends have spoken to their parents they might be concerned and make contact with your parents. Please reach out to them.

I lost my 19 year old brother to suicide only 3 months ago and I can tell you right now I would have given anything to be there with him at the point you are at now and to say how proud I was of him for speaking out, that mental illness and thoughts of suicide and worries in life can be helped with some assistance and that this is a rough time in your life and not the rest of your life. I would have held him and listened all night to him if it meant saving him. Please give your parents the chance to help you, please let them love you and support you.

I am so proud that you have reached out here and that you have spoken, you are so very brave and so very much loved and needed in this world Nik, hugs to you right now.

Please come back and chat as I care and would like to know how you are getting along.

I made a big mistake...

white knight — Sun, 17 Nov 2019 03:36:32 GMT

Hi Nik, welcome

I'm sorry to hear your situation and feelings, you sound quite fragile.

Like AS I also lost my brother, he was 26yo and in 1978 a long time ago. (So sorry AS) Myself ans my sister have also attempted.

So what is the biggest message I'd like to say to you? Firstly get help as AS said, ring 000. Also be aware that as you grow up these tendencies tend to drift away then you'll be Soooo glad you remained strong as life will be so exciting.

Friends and family that are not trained in mental health will not have empathy towards your situation I'm afraid. Google

Beyondblue topic they just wont understand - why?

So that is why this forum is so good, a place you can go where birds of a feather talk together 🙂

Your action of saying goodbye will be seen as attention seeking. I know you didnt want that but it does highlight how sad and confused you are in life. Believe me, it is all temporary. This fellow seems to care- hang onto him as a friend because they are the type of people you need in your life.

Finally, as you talk to your friends if the topic arises about your goodbye message, just say "yeh, sorry about that, it wasnt the right thing to do, I wasnt feeling well". Now if they dont forgive you then it is their problem but most will.

I hope you stay in the forum as you please. You can add to your story if there is any developments and we can guide you through any issues.

PS well done in writing in, that takes courage even though its confidential.

TonyWK

I made a big mistake...

_Nik_ — Sun, 17 Nov 2019 22:16:44 GMT

Thank you for your advice.

Firstly, I know that they did not see it as a gratitude for their friendship, as I got a call from the police (that I missed) which surely would have been them saying something. I tried to call the police back, but they have no idea what I am talking about and I think they thought I was wasting their time.

My parents do know what I am going through but I don't tend to tell them stuff, as I know it upsets them and that hurts me. I don't tell them stuff because I don't want them to stop me.

I must seem hopeless, sorry.

- Nik

I made a big mistake...

_Nik_ — Sun, 17 Nov 2019 22:23:04 GMT

Thank you for your advice.

I didn't think about it being attention seeking, but now that you mention it, I guess some people could see it at that way. Thanks for the advice on what to say when I see them next, I was trying to not stress to much about it.

I made a big mistake...

romantic_thi3f — Sun, 17 Nov 2019 23:03:54 GMT

Hi ~Nik~,

Thanks for your post and I'm sorry to hear how much you're struggling right now. For what it's worth, I'm glad that you're still here and haven't planned anything yet.

I know that if it had have been me on the other end of that group chat, I might not have replied either. Not because it seems like you are attention seeking, but because it would shock me to the core to know that someone I was friends with was thinking of ending their life. I don't really know that there's anything that seems quite right to say; I know I certainly wouldn't want to say goodbye!

I know that you regret sending that message, but I wonder if maybe now that you've done it you can use this to your advantage? You've worried your friends enough to call the police, but maybe was that needed? To show you that they care about you? I'm interested to know too how things go when you next catch up with them.

I made a big mistake...

Aaronsis — Mon, 18 Nov 2019 07:33:46 GMT

Hi Nik

Can I start by saying you are most definitely not hopeless and I am so very happy that you have come back to chat, I hear what you are saying that you don't want to tell your parents too much as you don't want them to stop you, and you also said that you don't want to hurt them and the thought of them in pain actually hurts you. I feel somewhat hopeful that these feelings of hurting your parents will help you to stay, can I say that hurt is not even close to what they will be feeling should you chose to take your life. I am by no means trying to guilt you here but just want to say that my father is a broken man now, he will never be the same again. We actually just got matching tattoos to honor my brother, my dad is 70, it was his first. The pain and crying and emotion that came out of that man when he received that call was heart wrenching and sickening, I wish that on no human ever.

You are so loved and wanted in this world Nik, your parents love you and the fact your friend called the police suggests how much they care too, this is a rough time now Nik, this does not have to be a life sentence for you, there are so many people who would sit with you and help and hug you and get you through this time.

Please come back and chat and please reach out to someone or LifeLine 13 11 14 if you are really in a tough spot Nik, you are worth it, every bit of it.

Huge hugs to you Nik

Sarah

I made a big mistake...

_Nik_ — Mon, 18 Nov 2019 23:25:53 GMT

Hi, I'm back again.

Some interesting things have happened... I don't think interesting is the right word, because it's more like some bad things have happened.

1. Yesterday my mum took me to the emergency department, which I was in for about 6 hours. I've been in the ED before but last time nothing changed, so I'm hoping that something happens this time.

2. Apparently the police did get involved, and that kind of scares me.

3. I had to apologize for writing the goodbye note.

4. There is a chance that I won't be allowed back at my drama, because of complaints and if that happens I won't ever see my friends again, and I won't ever get to see him, who is the only one I could talk to. I'm really scared.

5. If I am allowed back, a couple of my friends want to talk to me face to face, but they don't realise how much I don't want to do that. I really just want to isolate myself and stop talking for the rest of my life. Drastic I know, but I'm scared, embarrassed and feeling quite stupid.

If I had know this would have happened before I sent the note, I honestly wouldn't have said it. Drama is my life, and I don't know how to live without it. Fingers crossed I don't have to.

- a very scared Nik

I made a big mistake...

white knight — Tue, 19 Nov 2019 05:36:54 GMT

Hi Nik

Think about the word “forgiveness”.

You made a mistake, everyone deserves a second chance. If that does not happen then that groups organisers and those friends aren’t worth your time.

Move on. In life people move away, friendships come and go, that isafact of life Nik.

We all learn from mistakes, those that claim they don’t make mistakes are fibbers

TonyWK

I made a big mistake...

romantic_thi3f — Tue, 19 Nov 2019 22:20:51 GMT

Hi ~Nik~,

It's good to hear back from you even though it doesn't really sound like you have good updates for us!

Can you tell us how it went on at the ED?

"Drama is my life, and I don't know how to live without it". - Thank you for sharing this. In all that's gone wrong lately this feels like the thing that has gone right. Because it's telling me and showing me straight up that this is really something you want to live for.

What is the next step? One thing that you could potentially do is talk to the school counsellor - they'll be able to have a chat with the drama teacher privately and hopefully help you back in, especially knowing how important it is to you.

I know you don't want to face your friends. It's not drastic, it's understandable. But flip it - if this had happened to one of your friends, don't you think you'd want to see them too? I know I sure would. Even if it was hard.

I made a big mistake...

Aaronsis — Tue, 19 Nov 2019 22:30:21 GMT

Hi Nik

I am so glad that you have come back to chat and I can hear how scared and how overwhelmed you are right now. I feel kind of disappointed to be honest that you perhaps will not be allowed back to the drama class, I understand a need to address the issue and like White Knight suggested something like "yeh, sorry about that, it wasnt the right thing to do, I wasnt feeling well". I dont think that excluding you and asking you to leave is a very supportive environment or shows very caring or accepting people at a time when you were not feeling great, you reached out but with confusion and made a mistake. It is hard for people to acknowledge suicide and thoughts of suicide and what their role in that means, and this scares the hell out of people and they don't know how to respond, I think you are seeing that clearly now. I am so very sorry this has all gone a bit pear shaped for want of a better word and turned out like this for you, I would have hoped people would be more understanding and supportive.

I think one step at a time and try not to role play in your head what you "think might happen" and just take it one step at a time and deal with the issues as they present themselves, as it may turn out differently than you are thinking.

I think also with some time they will calm down too and hopefully things can return to how they were for you in the drama class. I hope you have a plan in place to take care of yourself so as when you are feeling so very vulnerable and like you are going to hurt yourself you can reach for your plan and execute it and know it is a good one and that you are supported.

Huge hugs for you Nik

Hope to chat to you some more

Sarah

I made a big mistake...

_Nik_ — Wed, 20 Nov 2019 01:32:43 GMT

Hi,

What what on at the ED?

Well, I stayed there for six hours, in the same chair, in the same room, I seriously lost track of time.

1. There was a doctor, she took my blood pressure, my weight, that sorta stuff.

2. There was a mental health person, who talked to me and I had to explain everything that was going on and talk about why I was there and what was happening, so I explained everything; the voices in my head, my depression, my anxiety, my issues with eating, my insomnia, and my autism

3. Then a social worker came to see me, because I said something about my parents fighting, so we talked about a traumatic event that happened when I was a child.

4. Another doctor came in, offered me food (like a hundred times) I said no.

5. I slept (It's true, I was so tired, both mentally and physically)

6. Then I left

It was a tiring experience, and I don't think anything will change.

- Nik

I made a big mistake...

smallwolf — Wed, 20 Nov 2019 12:08:59 GMT

Hi Nik,

Regarding he note you wrote - putting aside whatever the content was, there was a reason why you wrote it and perhaps a cry for help, a reaction to everything that was going on in your life. Since my 20s, I would have suicidal thoughts, but never acted on them. My reason for not talking about it was that I was concerned what everyone would think of or about me. Add 25+ years to now... the emotional pain was too great (?) and found I needed to talk to someone. Now I talk to a psychologist periodically and refer to myself as a work in progress.

That wanting to be by yourself is something I can understand and I have done that on more than one occasion. "Unfortunately" the thing to do is the opposite, so says my psychologist for a short while - doing things that give meaning to you etc. can act as a both a distraction and coping mechanism.

Finally, on the parents ... I am sure that your parents do care about what you are going through if you told them. It is possible to both tell them and not tell them at the same time. Know that sounds confusing. Just before I was put onto anti-depressants was a really bad time wrt. suicidal thoughts. The next chat I had with mum I only to mention suicidal thoughts and that was enough for her as she did not want to worry about me. As for the details there are only 4 people who know my thoughts and actions at that time - 3 of those persons are in the mental health sphere. So I (and sure you) will work out the boundaries of how much to say to whom. You are worth more than you think, and your parents would say the same.

It takes courage to ask for help when things to wrong. It takes strength to admit is a mistake. Regardless of what happens next, you are supported and accepted here.

Tim

I made a big mistake...

_Nik_ — Thu, 21 Nov 2019 00:06:16 GMT

Hi,

thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it.

I was wondering if anyone could help me with something.

I am visiting a pediatrician, and they were talking about starting medication (the mental health people at the ED were talking about it too) and I really want to try it, because I am at the stage where I am sick of being like this and I really want it to be over, but my mum doesn't want me to do it, because she's afraid that it'll be hard to take me off it. Is there anything I can say to her, to make her change her mind?

- Nik

I made a big mistake...

Aaronsis — Thu, 21 Nov 2019 00:13:32 GMT

Hey Nik

I feel like you are sounding really positive about what is coming up for you and the process to get things in place for you and that is so wonderful.

I get that your mum is scared and she is worried about the medication, is there some information that the doctors have given you that you could perhaps sit and read with her? You could speak to your doctor too and ask them to spend some time with your mum to go through the medication with her and what it will do and how you will come off and what the process is. Sometimes it is just the fear of the unknown V's the fear of the medication itself.

It would be great if she could get some support too and she is probably worried about his process as well and how it will impact you, not only just the medication.

Hugs

I made a big mistake...

smallwolf — Thu, 21 Nov 2019 10:44:45 GMT

Hi Nik,

Not a professional so cannot really tell you about antidepressants but I can relate my experience to you...

Firstly the most important thing to do is to understand the side effect. Remember these are possibilities also.

If you want to change from one medication to another you will wean off the first and start on the second. Something I have had to do a few times and you would be told how to by the person prescribing the medication.

It is natural for your mother to be worried about you and educating yourself is the best way to work out what you are dealing with. And my psychiatrist also says that medication also works best when you do talk therapy as well. Don't be afraid to ask questions.

Tim

I made a big mistake...

_Nik_ — Thu, 28 Nov 2019 22:31:26 GMT

Hey,

I've been busy over the last couple of days doing performances and stuff, and now I am really upset at myself because I think I've made my close friend's life rubbish.

I just got mad at him, and there wasn't any reason behind it, and he didn't hug me like he always does when we say goodbye. I'm scared that he hates me now, and that's all my fault.

I must be such a stupid person.

- Nik

I made a big mistake...

Aaronsis — Fri, 29 Nov 2019 02:10:28 GMT

Hi Nik

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so very overwhelmed at what has just happened with your friend.

Only if you want to , can you tell me a bit more about what happened with you snapping at him? Was it warranted, where you standing up for yourself? Was it uncalled for? I see you said that you didn't have any reason for it but something must have triggered you or you felt something to react to? It would be good if you can identify what it might be so you can manage it for next time.

I think either way you perhaps just need to talk to your friend and explain how it came to be that you snapped at him, if you are at fault that is fine, you can say that, you can say you made a mistake, everyone does it. I am pretty sure that you have not made your friends life rubbish and that he does not hate you. You are most certainly not stupid Nik, everyone makes mistakes and you snapped, no problem, have a chat to him and address it and give him a hug to apologize.

I am so sorry you are feeling so very anxious about this but I am sure too that it can be repaired.

Hugs

I made a big mistake...

_Nik_ — Wed, 04 Dec 2019 21:37:14 GMT

Hey,

I saw him yesterday and the day before, and things were fine between us, but I am still scared that he is a bit wary of me, and not as close as we used to be.

What happened that day was this:

I wanted to speak to him after our performance like I always do, so we went out to a couch area and sat down. He told me he didn't have much time because he needed to catch a tram or a train (don't remember which) and they only ran every hour, he also didn't want to leave our other friend waiting (whom was catching the train with him). He told me not to be discouraged by that, and to still tell him what I need to say. So I told him that he lied to me, when he told me he'd help me do something, and I asked him if he would forget, and he said no, and then the day comes when it was supposed to happen, and he never brought it up. I knew he didn't forget, because this thing mattered a lot to him, as much as it mattered to me, and he wanted me to get better. So I told him he lied to me, and that he didn't do it. He said he couldn't force me to do anything. So I got angry ( because he always says that, and I feel like it's an excuse, but I know I am overreacting) and told him he couldn't force me to live either and to stop trying to. His voice got very quiet and hurt, and he said "You know everything I do for you is to help you". So I told him to stop helping me. He didn't reply and just looked really tired, and fed up and he put his head in his hand. I stood up, and grabbed my bag. Then we both left silently. I used the walk down the stairs to calm down, and by the time we got out of there, I apologized. He said you don't have to be sorry. Then he went to leave. I said "i..." (it was like an attempt to say something, but my voice decided not to work and I decided not to say anything). He goes, I would give you a hug, but you don't like your mum seeing you. I said I didn't care. So he hugged me, for a very short time, and then left. Our hugs are usually longer, or so I thought, so know of course I am scared he hates me.

Yesterday, I didn't get a very good hug either, and it was only a goodbye hug, because he used to hug me when we met, but not any more.

The day before that, I did get a better hug, but i'm wondering if it were going to be similar to out normal ones had we not had to go on stage a few seconds later.

I don't know what to think. I think I'm over analyzing everything.

- Nik

I made a big mistake...

Aaronsis — Thu, 05 Dec 2019 04:48:44 GMT

Hey Nik

I can hear how this strained relationship with your friend is really impacting you and I am so sorry it is really making you emotional and run scenarios through your head and think alot about this and the friendship and what is going on and what he is thinking and where you go from here.

There is a sure lot going on here and I sort of got a little lost in the actual events that you described, I am having trouble understanding what he lied to you about and how he agreed to do something with you or for you and forgot. I then hear you say he is trying to help you and get you alive and you don't want him to do that?? I am understanding this correctly, sorry to make you explain i am a little lost.

I can see though that he is still hugging you and embracing you, and it may take some time to repair the friendship if it has been strained lately, but he is still there for you and has not abandoned you at this time which is wonderful. Perhaps you need a conversation with some more time where you are both not rushed and you perhaps need to let him know how important to you he is and that you are feeling sad about the friendship and the events that have gone on lately.

I think some time and a good chat will help get your relationship back on track, it is so tricky to manage these things but I think you just have to let him know how you are feeling and that you miss and care for him.

Hugs