topic Really struggling in Long-term support over the journey

Really struggling

Saree_p — Tue, 28 May 2019 06:40:17 GMT

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

Really struggling

Greys — Tue, 28 May 2019 08:38:59 GMT

Hi Saree_p

I'm sorry to hear your struggling at the moment I'm not doing that great myself. I wanted to reach out to you because i have the similar problems. What i've found helpful is keeping my mind busy doing stuff that makes you think about other things. Like I play word games it forces me to think about the words instead of the bad thoughts. I hope this helps a little and if you need to talk more people on the forum are great.

Let me know how you go.

Grey's

Really struggling

Saree_p — Tue, 28 May 2019 09:33:31 GMT

Thanks Grey's.

I normally do, I am just getting to the point that I am so tired I am struggling.

Is there something that helps u keep going?

Really struggling

Greys — Tue, 28 May 2019 10:57:14 GMT

I'm struggling with what gets me through at the moment. I'm not really sure whats keeping me going at the moment, i guess the thought of good stuff happening in the future. To be honest i've really been struggling with self harm thoughts and suicide thoughts over the past few days. But i guess we just have to keep pushing through I find going to work seems to help once i'm there but its a struggle to get there. Sorry i don't have any better answers you just have to keep trying and i find therapy helps.

Grey's

Really struggling

Saree_p — Tue, 28 May 2019 12:48:27 GMT

It's okay Grey's.

And thanks 🙂

I hope we can both find a way through.

Really struggling

Saree_p — Wed, 29 May 2019 07:08:34 GMT

Today has been shit.

My purpose for existence and the one thing that has kept me going has been removed. I thought I would cope a lot better, but am not.

Needless to say, the dark thoughts are there, worst than I thought possible. I simply do not know what to do. In between dissasociating, panic attacks, PTSD stuff, my purpose has been removed. Whats the fight for anymore?It's a battle between myself and my head. I know who is going to win this one out.

Really struggling

blondguy — Sat, 01 Jun 2019 13:36:16 GMT

Hi Saree

I'm sorry to be a late poster in your thread.....You are in a lot of pain (anguish) and I understand what you are going through. Please dont 'fight' or 'battle' these thoughts/symptoms as it will only exacerbate your symptoms

I was an idiot and didnt have regular therapy for 10 years thinking I could 'self heal'...It only made my anxiety worse. I thought that six monthly appointments were 'having' counseling....I was so wrong

This is my 38th year with anxiety followed by clinical depression......and its a horrible place to be in even though in recovery and see my GP 4 weekly for a 'fine tune' as well as seeing my psychologist every quarter

I really hope you can find some peace soon Saree

you are not alone

my kind thoughts

Paul

Really struggling

smallwolf — Sat, 01 Jun 2019 13:37:37 GMT

Hi Saree,

Tagging your thread for now.

One of your last posts in the other thread mentioned things that keep/kept you here. Some of those are things I identify with. Last Thu I was with my psychologist and had one on those breakthrough moments (I think). I am extremely self critical (and not used to self-compassion) for a number of reasons, but played that game of what you tell your younger self. I would find out that I think of myself as stupid, and that is a result of things from my school days. Despite that I have a Masters degree, started a BTh and now 1/2 through a counselling diploma. Part of this is to prove to myself and others that I am not stupid, plus I want to help others in a similar place to myself.

Someone suggested I listen to Brene Brown. And I did. At one time she was looking for a therapist for herself. Her friends commented they would hate to her therapist. And again for myself, I can argue against myself quite well. So when it comes to self-compassion it feels forced for myself, and the mind can tell me not to believe it.

Last bits on me... father, married, 2 teens and a cat and live in the city.

The word in that post that interested me was vulnerability. I know that Brene wrote a book on this very topic. Now I won't ask you what terrifies you about it, but that would seem a tad early in our discussion. There is an ember inside you that has not gone out yet, and I hope that one day it will turn into fire so that your reasons to live return to you. If it is OK with you, I would like to chat with you about dreams, life and anything else that might come up. You story is worth telling and I am listening to you.

Peace and comforting thoughts to you,

Tim

Really struggling

Saree_p — Sun, 02 Jun 2019 03:04:33 GMT

Hi Again,

Thanks Paul, I am kind of completely over it at this point. Coffee with my family today made feel so much worse too.

I came across Brene Brown a while ago myself - however, after you mentioned her yesterday, I did google and watch her. I sat and watched the Netflix special last night (instead of my impending assignment I just can't start) and I think it was the first time in ages I actually genuinely laughed.

I will admit, I am the worst person for self-compassion. All I see is all that I could've done and what I haven't done. I do try to be ok with myself and do all that self-compassion stuff but then it just feels like an excuse and that really I should know and do better - if that makes any sense.

Tim, I do not mind - at this point, I am happy to be guided in a conversation, I am aware I am not processing very well atm and may jump all over the place. the vulnerability is a heavy one lol, but I guess its the reason that people can not pick there is an issue - not even those I live with.

Really struggling

Saree_p — Sun, 02 Jun 2019 03:05:29 GMT

So let me attempt to start

Dreams
Used to be - graduate from university with a PhD for neuro and clinical psychology. Set up services and I guess a ranch styled therapy centre specialising in teens with HFA and AS - extended to teens at 'risk'. The concept was a specific speciality I have done a lot of work in, but not to the exclusion of anyone. I never used to but got to envisioning sharing a life with someone, and a family. Owning/building a house with land, out in nature. Ultimately, I have seen what is wrong with the world and the pain it causes. I wanted to make a difference. I then realised that I was missing the human connection myself and wanted to share it with someone (thought that was my ex - long story lol).

My life
that is a can of worms if I am honest. It has been an extremely long journey and apparently I am still young. I defiantly don't feel it, and the exhaustion is there.
I used to play four musical instruments (scholarship level, but dropped it all due to pressure and disapproval I wanted to follow academic pursuit). I played state level netball, enjoyed hockey for some time just for something different. I had an extensive library, slowly rebuilding it (despite my inability to currently read). I have multiple gaming consols (never have time, nor can I justify it).
Currently - I relocated state, back to the family after relationship ended last year (this was a bad idea), I rent with a housemate who I support. I was studying my Master's in Social Work, but that has just been put on hold. I work in disability support, and I generally get landed with the "difficult clients". Not long ago I brought myself what I would deem a luxury car, but is probably modest by most standards - but for me, it was considered a dream car really.
Ultimately everyday atm is filled with how much can I mask, how can remove or reduce the PTSD issues, and just trying to plan forward after everything has ended. I can't anymore I guess. The head in the sand approach I employed has ceased working.
Is this kinda what you were asking? Sorry. Just started typing and yeah.

Really struggling

smallwolf — Sun, 02 Jun 2019 05:05:04 GMT

Hi Saree_p,

Just for reference, I see a psychologist periodically, and my conversation will generally go in different directions, getting part way through one story, the starting the next, and eventually getting back to the first (if I am lucky). It's a bit like a Billy Connolly show without the laughs, so if the conversation goes out somewhere then...

It sounds like you have done a lot in your life so far - a PhD, now doing a Masters, and elite level sports. And I am guessing somewhere you would have to fit in work. And then there is your gaming consoles and car(s). Were these purchases part of that masking process of the PSTD issues? But you then said that you have no time to play the consoles.

So with everything that did/do, I wonder if you had time to do things just for fun?

Me... I am a software developer working from home for a company based overseas. Even though I am married, with kids, my day would start when I woke up and "ended" when it was time to make dinner, and if the phone rang after dinner, I would answer it phone. In short, there were no fun activities in my life. Even though I still in that role at the same place, I currently only work 4 days from an office I share with someone else. Working from home can be flexible, but over time it can be damaging to an individual. In my work, if customers had problems and support could not work it out, the issue would be given to me to resolve. At this stage the customer would also be agitated. While I was working, I was also doing 3-4 things at once. Like my dad, I was a workaholic but I was probably worse.

I used to play MMOs, but like you have little time for that now. Plus there is also the that thing of rinse and repeat each level, just in a different setting/zone.

Currently reading 3 books mainly cause I cannot decide which one to continue with. On the app I told you about I play the Sudoku games before bed as a way of relaxing. It also has word puzzles. Without that I used to wake up at 2am and think about work.

Running out of space.

So yes, what you wrote was sorta what I was asking, but did not expect you to do it so promptly. I generally throw out questions that remain unanswered. But that's cool.

Consider this a connection in a virtual space?

Tim

Really struggling

Saree_p — Sun, 02 Jun 2019 05:44:00 GMT

Hi Tim,

The dream was a PhD, haven't done - sorry to confuse. Should've done by now.

I guess like you I don't do things for fun because can't seem to. I do exercise and try to keep physical health ok. Used to enjoy but don't anymore.
Partly I think I simply do not enjoy things anymore - always struggled to anyways, just gotten 20 times worse.
But I also know if I try to do things for me I feel guilty instantly.

Car was an opportunity buy that my dad was kind of on at me about. I'm happy with it don't get me wrong. But yes, it was a mask. It was only a week later I was admitted for a severe PTSD episode. Literally lost 30 something hours I could not account for and didnt show for my responsibilities (out of character for me) so welfare check went out. Involuntary commitment n then fight for discharge - they wanted 3 months, I can't cope in hospitals. But yeah, now no help at all as CAT don't want to deal with me at all.
Couldn't even make it in to my GP appointment last week. Just can't.
But oh well. Back at work, masking, managing. Except for at night. I don't cope. Because a game between intellect and thoughts.

Yeah I honestly am not reading atm, i should be, but yeah. Glad you are 😊

Do you enjoy being with your family? Does it help?

Really struggling

smallwolf — Sun, 02 Jun 2019 07:41:43 GMT

The game between intellect and thoughts... Is that like you being able to logically answering a question and then thinking, "ummm, that's not quite right". There was one time I was with psychologist, and I mentioned the lyrics from a song, and she asked me if I thought I was deserving of forgiveness. Of course I answered YES, but then there was a pause and I said BUT, and we continued that conversation down the other road. The constant fight between the logical answer and what we might truly think is frustrating.

On not reading... Can you listen to audio books? Was going to breakfast with someone last week and when we got into her car the audio book started playing (a little loudly!). I also convert pdf readings to mp3 so that I can listen to them on my phone.

The questions you asked me ... Yes and No. Like today, after church someone asked me if I had ruffled some feathers in the LA group. I replied and said Yeah, and then explained what happened. To me there was or should have been no issue. But from there to the shops, I was fixating on why these people did not talk to me, who else did they tell? what did they say? being excluded! I felt that I could do no right because of the situation. Not sure if I was angry at the other persons, myself or both. But in these sorts of cases it is hard to the explain to the wife what I am feeling. Sometimes when I do explain some things, I don't really get any response, and I think that is cause they won't know how to respond (compared to my psych*). My wife also has a thyroid condition ...

One thing my psych got me to do was related to walking. I have only been twice to the botanical gardens near my house, but it relaxing. While I might have my phone on me, there is no computer, no contact with staff, customers, family, etc.I can just walk around or sit on grass and watch the birds on the water. A time when I am truly at peace. My time.

So my question to you...

Do you know what it is that makes you feel guilty when you try to do something for yourself?

Really struggling

Saree_p — Sun, 02 Jun 2019 08:00:50 GMT

Thanks Tim,

Yeah your on the right path with fighting between intellect and internal. The fun one at night is literally sitting there and arguing with self about suicide.

Audio books I have tried but struggled to keep focus. Maybe I should retry.
I'm like either like a rabbit or sloth atm lol.

Thyroid conditions can be tricky. Sorry congregation members are excluding you. Not a nice feeling i am sure.

In answer to your question.... thought required here lol.
Because it feels like a waste of time. Unless it's something I should be doing (work, study, exercise, obligations, eat), my time should be spent towards going somewhere- but where?
I just don't feel I deserve the time.
I really am struggling to explain, even with this non identifiable space. Sorry. I hate when I can explain what I mean.

It's partly why I don't seek help, when I can articulate things I don't feel I need help and can fix it myself, but when I can't speak, I want to scream but literally can't even get words out. Irony much

Sorry Tim

Really struggling

Jojo100 — Sun, 02 Jun 2019 11:00:09 GMT

Hello Saree

Just wanted to say thank you for sharing with Lilly. I am sorry you are going through such a horrible time much like Lilly.

If you read my last post to Lilly you will see that I also really struggled with talking and expressing myself or even looking at people. Initially I tried group therapy, but found that too overwhelming.

I understand you are waiting for support. I would encourage you to keep a journal in the meantime and consider taking this to the psychologist or counsellor so that you can get across what you are going through. I understand fully the frustration of not being able to speak because I have been there.

I hope you will continue to find reasons to carry on. Help is out there. Stay safe & strong.

Best wishes

Jojo

Really struggling

Saree_p — Sun, 02 Jun 2019 11:57:21 GMT

Hi Jojo,

Thank you, I did. And thankyou to for replying to Lilly. I am sorry, I have not really replied to you directly - I struggle and compartmentalise. It is much easier for me to help someone, but I am aware I do not wish to add to someone else's plate, so I compartmentalise as much as I can (e.g. Lilly's feed is for Lilly).

Thank you for your suggestion - can I please ask for your advice? I tend to find when I journal, I either have nothing to say or I go round and round in circles. Is there a way to keep this focused? In case you hadn't already guessed, on trouble is that I can literally write an essay (lol)

Hope you are well Jojo

Really struggling

Jojo100 — Sun, 02 Jun 2019 12:36:14 GMT

Hello Saree

Don’t overthink journaling. Keep it simple it’s not much different to posting. You can stay focused by asking yourself a few relevant questions such as how you spent your day; what was positive; what was negative; rate your mood between 0&10; have a rant if you need to (but perhaps limit yourself to a maximum of a page a day rather than writing an essay!). You will soon find your rhythm.

Good luck

Jojo

Really struggling

Saree_p — Sun, 02 Jun 2019 12:58:19 GMT

Thanks Jojo.

I will do what I can. Unfortunately, tonight will not be the night to start (despite what I should do). I'll be honest it's not a good night.

Thank you to both - I do apologise if I have wasted your time.

Really struggling

Jojo100 — Sun, 02 Jun 2019 13:15:41 GMT

Dear Saree

You definitely have not wasted my time. I am always here to talk if and when you feel like it. Sorry you are having a terrible night. Remember you are not alone. Be gentle with yourself and stay safe.

Try and put on your to do list for tomorrow to buy yourself a new journal and a spiffy pen to match.

Wishing you well

Jojo

Really struggling

Saree_p — Sun, 02 Jun 2019 14:09:38 GMT

Thanks Jojo,

I know I need to just make it through tonight, get to work for training, then work/sleepover and work - I have considered suicide during shifts, but the knowledge people are relying on me means I can not do it.

But I also know that if I simply do not show, I will be missed but not irreplaceable lol.

I do simply want to scream right now, I know I am nonverbal again - Jojo, how'd you get through this?

Tim, I am so so sorry. This is what it distils down to, an intelligent person that can not change jack shit. I have an IQ of 156 (apparently), yet I can not stop this crap. Instead, I view it as a curse. I remember nearly everything and what I do not remember I am scared about. I get treated like an idiot becuase of struggles, and then shunned because too difficult.

Both of you, what the f do I do? I have the means, the knowledge, and ability. I just know I am not supposed to - but why do we listen to that? I know intellectually this is supposed to pass, but I also know intellectually that it won't and it will get worse. I can't anymore, I just can't. What would you do?