topic I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely in Long-term support over the journey

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

HeyJude — Thu, 03 May 2018 10:02:44 GMT

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour.

People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected).

I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty.

I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

Lici — Thu, 03 May 2018 10:23:16 GMT

Hi Jude,

I'm so terribly sorry to read of your hardships through life. Although I have never been married and don't have children, I can empathise with the abusive childhood and life being hard and cruel. I also have struggled with depression and anxiety as a result of the childhood abuse and anti depressants never worked for me (I've been on 10 different types).

I understand what you mean about friends too. While I'm lucky enough to have two close friends (one since high school and one since I was 18), I still constantly doubt their friendship and find it hard to trust new people enough to let them in. I think that it comes down to the fact that I never had trust as a child. I couldn't trust my parents to care for me and love me, couldn't trust my brother not to abuse me etc. It really does shape who you are as an adult.

The nurturing thing I also share, I think with me it comes from wanting to be good enough, first for my parents, then for whomever I was in a relationship at the time to fill the void that my parents left in me. I always felt like I was broken and not really "human" if that makes sense?

I'm wondering if you've seen a psychologist who specialises in cognitive behaviour therapy at all? Or if you know what CBT is? After about 18 odd years of trying different medications I found a psychologist who specialised in this and it really changed my life. Being aware of where my negative core beliefs came from and what they affected in my life etc helped me more than any talking or medication did. I really felt connected to your story as it spoke to my own so I wonder if something like this would help you as much as it did me.

Please don't feel alone. Often we suffer in silence but there's others like us and I'm glad you posted here. Don't give up either. There can be a light, it just takes some work.

I honestly hope that things look up for you soon. Please reply and let me know how you go, even if it's just to vent some more. I'll always answer, even if it's not straight away.

Kind thoughts,

Lici

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

stormcloudz — Thu, 03 May 2018 11:18:05 GMT

HeyJude

We are happy to listen and not judge, because we have been there too. This forum is here for you in whatever way you want, and we are on your side.

People with depression do sometimes envy those with terminal illnesses, you are not alone with those thoughts, and it's simply a mark of your pain.

The accumulation of hurts and traumas can certainly leave you drained and bring you to a halt before you start rebuilding.

There are other supports available to you - the BeyondBlue and Lifeline phone lines will listen without judgement, and will understand trauma.

Please vent as much as you need. There are so many lovely and caring people on this forum, like Lici, and others who I know will be quietly checking that you have received a response. So many of those people will also understand the various hurts that you have experienced.

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

smallwolf — Thu, 03 May 2018 11:29:53 GMT

HeyJude,

Welcome to BeyondBlue. In your post you said...

if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared.

You will find that all the people here do care. We are all in the same boat. And we all want to get better - however we want to the interpret that. You will not be judged here. People will listen to you here. People here do care. Can I ask what prompted you to write here today? I also noticed that you mentioned being worried about being missed by your daughter. How about creating a list of reasons to live? I think your daughter would be at the top of your list? My list also includes my pet cat! And "tomorrow" is on my list.

Have you talked to a GP about your feelings and thoughts recently? And, as suggested by Lici, are you talking to a psychologist? Like Lici, my psychologist uses CBT tools, and while it has been only going for 6 months, I am making slow improvements. Because of recent events in my life, I will also be using a psychiatrist, who takes everything else into account as well.

Give the area of the forums your post has been placed, and your statement "no other family or friends to talk to" I hope that you easy access to support numbers -

Lifeline - 13 11 44
BeyondBlue - 1300 22 4636
Emergency - 000

If you are not getting the support from your husband, please have these numbers handy.

There are stacks of places on the forums here that you can look at as far as distraction tools (games) etc, but will leave that for the next post. I want to re-iterate something that Lici said...

Don't give up either. There can be a light, it just takes some work. I honestly hope that things look up for you soon. Please reply and let me know how you go.

Smallwolf

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

HeyJude — Fri, 04 May 2018 01:14:49 GMT

Hi Lici, stormcloudz, small wolf,

Thank you for you so much for your replies. It does really help to know that others can relate and are there. Like a breath of fresh air. I can breathe a little for now. It took a lot for me to post and it's usually too painful and words fail me. It's helps to not feel so alone. Thank you.

It does make sense Lici when you say that "you feel more broken than human". With my zest gone, that is how I feel. I like your suggestions about CBT and will look into it in the future. I have tried in the past but could never find a good fit.

I felt relieved when I read your post stormcloudz and you said many feel the way I did about terminal illness - I was feeling guilty about it. This thought was triggered by a close friends demise with cancer and he is presently dying. Here I am wondering what is the point - many would be better off without me and there is this beautiful man fighting for his life. Makes no sense.

I am growing tired of the battle - it is the accumulation of hurts, abuses, betrayal, let downs and traumas over the years, never allowing me a chance to really heal or live - thank you for your understanding. I do try. It's difficult for me to open up and talk about them - my mind then goes blank and there are years that I have no memory of.

Smallwolf what prompted me to write today it is getting a bit heavy to carry alone and I can't do it on my own strength anymore. I have t told my GP yet but they may Ben a conversation that has to happen. Medications don't help me - in the past they did with resulting anxiety which was off the rails but the issues keep finding their way back. Thank you for advice about other parts of the forum - I will take a look. And will utilise the phone numbers if neccesary.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to post and for your caring support. It's very appreciated. Presently I am lying in bed feeling like my world is falling apart - wondering if I will lose the little love I have. My daughter and husband are at the top of my list to try...if they were to be out of the picture there would be zero incentive for me. As presently I can't feel nothing, can't feel any pleasure....only feel a lot of fear for the future.

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

Sad_and_alone — Fri, 04 May 2018 02:09:59 GMT

HeyJude

I am new here also and still learning how to drive this thing. Because of this I have no helpful advice or suggestions for you.

Just wanted to tell you that your post truly resonated with me. I know exactly how you are feeling, your words could have come directly from me.

At the moment I don't know how things will get better but I just hope that they will and I want to tell you your not alone. As exhausting as it is just take one day at a time. There are so many people here who are by your side. Even though we are all strangers here we all care and all want to help you through this.

Try to be strong for a little longer

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

HeyJude — Fri, 04 May 2018 03:20:25 GMT

Hi Sad and alone - thank you for posting and sharing how you are feeling also. Although I do wish you and others were not experiencing this pain it does help to know I am not alone and I really appreciate your post.

It is drawing and yes, making it through one day is enough. I so miss feeling alive and having the motivation to do things. I wish life would give me a chance.....time will tell. I will try and be stronger although I feel anything but now - I have been in the past. I have to find her again. I just think it has been going on for too long.

I care for you all too - I am here for you too.

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

chrissy1 — Fri, 04 May 2018 03:44:40 GMT

Hello Hey Jude

i was so moved by ur post. That took guts. But as others have said recently not on ur own. I so relate to what u said. It felt It was me talking. It’s really sad that hubby can’t understand, would he read some of these threads, maybe to show him there are others just like you around.

I thought my daughter understood, but have come to realise she doesn’t . It’s so hard to explain, isn’t it, people just don’t get it, honestly whay would anyone want to feel like this I don’t think so ??? I really get upset.

my motto is just take one day at a time, that’s enough to contend with. I do hope this helps, as ur thread helped me..

take care

chrissy1

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

Speak Your Truth — Fri, 04 May 2018 03:46:25 GMT

Wise words for Hey Jude S&A - we are all here for each other and there’s a warm fuzzy feeling knowing that 😘

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

Speak Your Truth — Fri, 04 May 2018 04:13:03 GMT

HeyJude I am so sorry you feel the way you do. Please speak to your doctor as soon as you can. I am feeling totally zapped now and have nothing to give really except to say that we are all here for you - you are not alone. Sending you hugs 🤗

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

HeyJude — Fri, 04 May 2018 06:53:41 GMT

Hi chrissy1

This forum is so incredibly supportive - I am so glad now that I reached out. I am feeling so guilty for not getting out of bed today. Thank you for your support - it does make a difference to know that I am not alone. I am glad my thread has helped you somewhat too.

It is very hard to find words to explain - and that fear of being judged as weak usually keeps me silent. I am sorry to read that your daughter does not understand - it can make us feel more alone in it which is why this forum is so invaluable I feel.

I do have to get up and cook the evening meal which I am finding hard to do. I feel so low....yes, I can only look at one day at a time for now. I hope to get up tomorrow and move around abit. That's my goal for now....I hope I can help myself if this this Merry-go-round of pain, loneliness and fear soon. I wish that for us all. Thank you for being there

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

HeyJude — Fri, 04 May 2018 06:56:39 GMT

Thank you for your kind words of support Speak Your Truth. I am sorry you are also feeling zapped - I totally get it. It's a good thing we have each other. Now I must try and find the will to get out of bed and cook......Moment to moment - I feel so overwhelmed and just want to retreat - but the support here is helping

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

Lici — Fri, 04 May 2018 07:01:00 GMT

Hi Jude,

Sorry it's taken me a bit of time to reply, I've had a busy day!

I'm glad you'll consider the cbt, it really changed my way of thinking. I had suffered from depression since childhood and it wasn't until my 20s that I finally found a psychiatrist that introduced me to cbt and wasn't until my 30s that I found a psychologist who specialised in it. Now I'm studying it and can understand the mechanics behind it and why it works as well!

Your recent comment really spoke to me, especially when you said 'I so miss feeling alive and having the motivation to do things. I wish life would give me a chance.....time will tell. I will try and be stronger although I feel anything but now - I have been in the past. I have to find her again' I felt that way for such a long time, I'm not the person I was before mental illness and I can't really remember who that person was. One thing I will say though, I don't want to be that person anyone. Having this experience has made me stronger and more resilient and I hope you'll feel that way one day too. It can happen, I know it feels like you're in a dark hole with no way out (at least I did) but you can make it through to the other side. You're so much stronger than you think!

Kind thoughts,

Lici

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

Speak Your Truth — Fri, 04 May 2018 07:33:12 GMT

More hugs and smiles 🤗😄🤗😄🤗😄 Jude

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

therising — Fri, 04 May 2018 07:38:05 GMT

HeyJude

First I want to start by saying that I'm sending pretty intense positive vibes your way. I understand that may not help things but I just want you to know that we are now connected. Second, I believe it's so important to know (whilst someone's experiencing depression) YOU ARE NORMAL. There's nothing defective or damaged about those who are dealing with such a challenging state of mind. To feel down, angry, tired, fed up, perhaps a bit of a control freak or socially inadequate etc - that's normal as far as depression goes. What you also are is a warrior (perhaps a bit scarred and tired but a warrior nonetheless). I know I'm sounding all sappy 'n' stuff but I wish people said this to me on occasion.

Must say, the best thing I ever did in life was join a group of like-minded folk, guided by a counselor. Came to realise I was one pretty tough warrior, having lived with depression for 15 years or so. This was some time ago, when I came out of that depression, thanks to the group. Still have the occasional down periods but I've learned to ride the waves like a bit of a pro surfer. I have come to realise, during the down times which can get somewhat dark, my brain is messing with me. Have to tell myself stuff like 'Goddammit, you are giving me the sh#*ts brain, STOP IT!!!' - stuff like that. Nothing wrong with reprimanding your brain on occasion. Better than reprimanding yourself!

If you can, find a support group, it's the way to go - people who'll truly understand you, remind you of how amazing you are and people who will basically help you feel normal again. You're an obvious fighter HJ which is why you're still here. Join other fighters.

And yes, finding the right anti-depressant is like going on a search for the holy grail (does it actually exist). I know it sounds cliche but don't give up on experimenting with strategies which hold potential. Remember you're dealing with a complex mechanism (the human brain). It is, in part, what has powered the greatest folk in history - the world changers, so don't expect your solutions to be simple in taming such a super powerful thing.

I am a spirity chick nowadays, something which I cop a bit of flack for but I tell you, escaping depression brought me here. I would never give up what I have found because it pulled me out of that darkness - a process which was all a part of 'the rising' Always remember THIS, NOW, IS NOT THE REAL YOU. I pray you find your own rising. I pray you find yourself. Love to you HJ!

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

Sad_and_alone — Fri, 04 May 2018 08:49:36 GMT

Keep posting Heyjude, keep talking about your feelings. Just having someone share a kind word is sometimes enough to get you through the next hour or two. I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone.

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

Cornerstone — Fri, 04 May 2018 11:20:33 GMT

I feel your pain HeyJude! I have Breast cancer lost all who I thought was friends, they were too scare to face my potential mortality. I had more delivered flowers when give birth, and zero phone call/txt when I qhen thru surgery and chem.

life is whay it is: lucky i meet 2 new friends who accepts me.

i am too are one that ppl forgot about, friendly but never get included. What did learn recently is practicing MiCBT by Bruno A Cayoun - it really help, i can feel the incremental improvement in letting go of thought and accept things a little more comfortably. Still learning and coping

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

stormcloudz — Fri, 04 May 2018 11:49:30 GMT

HeyJude

Just checking in to see how you are doing this evening...

Don't feel guilty about being in bed for the day, at least not when talking to this forum : )

It's all about those baby steps when you are depressed - getting up and making the dinner should receive a parade and a medal!

I'm so glad you posted to share your story. Please post anytime

: )

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

HeyJude — Sat, 05 May 2018 12:38:25 GMT

Hi Lici,

It was good to read another post from you - sorry for the late reply but everything is a struggle at the moment. It really sounds like the CBT has changed your life - I feel inspired to try it. Will speak to my GP soon about it. It does seem like a dark hole I am in presently and hard to see a way out as nothing is coming naturally to me anymore - getting up is difficult and I don't cope well. So I am willing to try what I can to help myself as this pain gets a bit much at times. I wake up in a panic also every morning after having nightmares all night. If I can get through this, I would get through anything. Thank you for being there in my darkest moments

I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

HeyJude — Sat, 05 May 2018 12:40:15 GMT

Warm hugs right back too you Speak Your Truth. Sometimes a hug saids everything 🤗