topic I’m back and I need support in Long-term support over the journey

I’m back and I need support

Chicken_Wings — Tue, 16 Jan 2018 10:01:38 GMT

I haven’t posted in a long time. I haven’t exactly been “well” the whole time, but I’ve been pretty good. It seems though that I’m starting to experience another low.

There are a number of things which seem to have lead to the feelings I’m having right now.

My mum has been diagnosed with cancer and it’s terminal.

I’ve just had another birthday, the older I get the less I look forward to them as they remind me of what I haven’t done.

Just came back from a trip to see mum (who used to be my go-to support person) and I can see she’s gotten worse. I don’t feel it’s fair any more to ask her to be my shoulder when I need one as she has enough on her plate.

Ive noticed that she is beginning to use me as her emotional support which means I put effort into appearing positive for her.

My boyfriend is not very helpful with my anxiety and depression as he also has anxiety and deals with it completely differently.

I feel like these things have built up on me a bit and now I’m feeling tense and anxious. I’m scared and sad and feeling isolated.

My fear is manifesting itself into pyhsical symptoms now. I’m not eating that well and I feel like my brain isn’t as quick as it has been, like I can’t keep up.

I kind of just need to tell someone these things and hopefully hear that it’s ok to feel this way. That this is temporary and that with effort I can feel like myself again.

I’m back and I need support

BballJ — Tue, 16 Jan 2018 13:55:30 GMT

Hi Chicken Wings,

Welcome back to the forums.

Sorry to hear about your mum and her cancer diagnosis, that is something that is always hard to accept especially when she has been your support through all your own battles. I can understand why you feel the way you do, and it is totally fine to feel that way as well. You have been through a lot so all of this building up makes sense. The physical symptoms are stuff I have experienced with my anxiety as well, you feel like there is a constant knot in your stomach and even though you may be hungry, you cannot eat. Hopefully you can relate to that somehow.

Do you think you are struggling most with your mum being terminally ill? Did it start from that? Sorry if that is a tough question just trying to gauge where you are at with it

Please, post back as much as you like, I am always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

I’m back and I need support

Chicken_Wings — Tue, 16 Jan 2018 14:37:20 GMT

Hi Jay,

Ive been on medication for 17 years so this started before mum got sick.

I generally find myself low over the holidays these days. They used to be my favourite time of year but the older I get the less I enjoy them (my birthday is rolled in there).

Now that mum is sick it’s added another layer. I worry about her, I worry that she is scared. I worry that I’m not there when she needs me.

I of course worry about being without her and what will happen to my mental health when I lose her.

I’ve lost my appetite tonight. Sometimes I’ll go days without eating. It adds to the tiredness, but just the thought of food makes me feel sick.

I also get a sort of foggy brain, almost like I get dumber. That happened today and I sort of freaked out and convinced myself there was something physically wrong with me.

I don’t really have anyone I can say these things to in person. I have a partner but he’s not good with feelings.

I’m back and I need support

geoff — Tue, 16 Jan 2018 17:41:55 GMT

hello Chicken Wings, I'm awfully sorry to hear about your mum, and when we do get older birthdays aren't the most pleasant event, I'm 63 years old.

It is amazing all the support I gave my 2 sons while they were growing up, physical and emotional has now changed to the latter only, exactly the same happened with my Dad and it will continue on, so it's difficult to understand but more so it's very sad that eventually we have to realise we do get old.

I'm sure what you have learnt from counselling from your mum over all these years will remain with you, I know at the moment you don't feel strong but you actually are, you have gained from experiences, but it's hidden away by your illness.

As time goes by decisions will need to be made because she may not be able to, so try and stay strong for her, and yes it is OK to feel this way, it's only natural.

Look after yourself and I am pleased to hear from you again. Geoff.

I’m back and I need support

BballJ — Wed, 17 Jan 2018 12:38:18 GMT

Hi Chicken Wings,

I am sorry you are feeling like that. I am glad you find these forums as a place you can talk about this stuff. It is exactly what they are here for.

It seems the fact your mum has got sick has really pushed this further and joined up with your feelings that you get over the holidays. I am sure your mum knows you are there for her as much as you can be. There would be no doubt about that. All you can do is start controlling what you can control. Call your mum everyday if you cannot see her, send her a message, anything just to put your mind at ease that you are there for her as much as you can be. I am sure she would want you to be taking care of yourself as well. I have been through the no appetite stage as well. It is hard. How can we help but, is there anything we can do?

My best,

Jay

I’m back and I need support

blondguy — Wed, 17 Jan 2018 13:25:01 GMT

Hello Chicken Wings

My heart goes out to you with your mum and her diagnosis. There are no words that I can say that bring you any comfort with your mum....

BballJ is spot on with his post about your mum's health maybe being one of the catalysts that have brought you into such a dark place.

Can I ask how your partner deals with his anxiety? If not no worries at all. This is my 21st year (which you probably know anyway) on my meds. I still see my GP every 4 weeks for a fine tune to keep my depression manageable.

I also get the same 'brain fog' as you do CW. You are not on your own there

You have always been part of the forum family

We are here for you

Paul

I’m back and I need support

Chicken_Wings — Wed, 17 Jan 2018 13:38:02 GMT

Hi Blondguy & BballJ,

mum likes in England so the best I can do is chat to her on messenger. We talk almost every day.

My partner tends to withdraw when he is anxious, whereas I seek out a shoulder to cry on. He also quite easily takes something like medication to calm down, whereas I have trouble taking additional medication.

Ive managed to eat a little today and this evening feel less foggy. I’m feeling hopeful.

I’m back and I need support

BballJ — Thu, 18 Jan 2018 11:55:44 GMT

Hi Chicken Wings,

I am glad you managed to eat a it today, it all takes time. Every day is a chance to feel better and get better. It is good you are messaging your mum everyday, that probably means the world to her.

Keep your head up.

My best,

Jay

I’m back and I need support

Chicken_Wings — Wed, 31 Jan 2018 03:29:53 GMT

I’m back to seeing a psych, I had my first appointment last week.

Ive also been to my gp to check there is nothing physically wrong with me.

I have another appointment with the psych tomorrow.

I was doing well until yesterday. I had a few down moments but nothing major. Then yesterday afternoon I feel like I regressed.

I’m tense again, I’m scared there is something wrong with me physically again. I’m crying without real reason.

I can’t stop thinking. All the time thinking about all the dumbs things your brain thinks about.

I tried to do some guided mindfulness last night and I couldn’t even get through the introduction.

I’m back and I need support

Ggrand — Wed, 31 Jan 2018 05:00:05 GMT

Hello Chicken Wings,

I am so very sorry to hear about your mum. Really so very sorry,

We met on my other thread a couple of weeks ago, I just saw you thread bumped up and thought I would come in and say hello, if that's okay

CW, it's hard to still a chatty mind, I was told once that your brain can only think one thought at a time, Meditation is good but hard to still our minds if there to active, Do you like music? I still my mind by listening to one instrument and following only that instrument through the song, maybe that might work for you,

You said you lost your appetite, that's understandable in your situation, but honey, you need to stay strong for yourself, you need to look after yourself.

My birthday is a month away, and the years seem to go quicker each year, instead of thinking about what you didn't do, maybe try to think about some nice happy things and times that you had.

I am sorry that you are crying, I do that a lot, I think it's a release of stress anxiety, hurt, I'm not sure.

i hope I was a little help, you help me feel better on my thread, I want to try and support and help you if it's alright with you because I care about you.

Kindness only,

Karen.

I’m back and I need support

Chicken_Wings — Wed, 31 Jan 2018 05:59:52 GMT

Karen, thank you so much for your comments.

I love music, I will try your suggestion. I just ate an apple too, that’s a positive.

I’m not sure if it’s normal that sometimes crying does feel good. Like it relieves the tension, I guess you can’t be stiff and tense when you’re blubbering. My brain fog usually clears up a bit after crying too.

I’m trying really hard and I’m doing all the things I know I should be doing, it’s just frustrating.

I’m back and I need support

Ggrand — Wed, 31 Jan 2018 11:05:16 GMT

Hello Chicken Wings,

Thats good that you love music, what are your favourite groups/singers?...I like the old school bands, Deep Purple, Santana, credence, Eric Clapton, dire straits, the shadows, Simon n garfunkle, not sure if you know them or not.

Im pleased you ate an apple, but really not enough, you need vitamins and minerals to help fight depression and the saddies,

Its hard, like you I know the coping tools, what to do etc, but it doesn't work sometimes, but don't give up keep at it, eventually we will beat it.

I used to try and stop my tears, but found that makes it worse, so now I just let them fall, then I feel better as well, so must be helping somewhere along the line.

i hope you have a better day tomorrow. With that light shining through your beautiful heart.

Kindness only,

Grandy

I’m back and I need support

Chicken_Wings — Wed, 31 Jan 2018 12:07:41 GMT

Oh I know all those musicians.

I love Simon and Garfunkel. We went and saw Paul Simon in concert once, it was pretty cool. We went and saw Cat Stevens recently too and it was incredible. I also love the Beatles. I like old RnB like Etta James and Otis Redding as well.

I do like some newer stuff too. At the moment I’m trying not to listen to anything too sad or emotional (unless that emotion is happy!).

Im going to try and have a little dinner.

I’m determined to beat this slump, just like you. I know it’s possible cause I’ve done it before.

I’m back and I need support

Chicken_Wings — Thu, 01 Feb 2018 01:07:39 GMT

Another day started today with that anxious feeling and scanning my body to see how it feels.

Its such a gross way to make up. Id love to get a better nights sleep and feel more rested when I wake up.

I feel dumb again, I can’t think of words straight away.

I have an appointment with my psychologist this afternoon and I really hope she can suggest something to help me feel more at ease. At the moment I’ve convinced myself there is something seriously wrong with me.

I’m back and I need support

Ggrand — Thu, 01 Feb 2018 01:23:24 GMT

Hello Chicken Wings,

Im sorry you woke up anxious today.

Sleep is hard, I think most people who struggle with their MH has sleep problems, I do, either no sleep or waking up all night long. Maybe I'll try a chamomile tea tonight, yuck I don't like them but maybe...

How did you go with dinner last night? Have you had some breakfast? Lol sorry about the questions but just concern...

Good luck with your Pysch appointment this afternoon, I hope it goes really well for you. Maybe ask Pysch for some coping strategies for when you start feeling anxious about your health.

Your not dumb, I believe that when you can't think of words to write, it's because you are smart and our brain is in a creative mode and wanting to put more creative words down. Just my thoughts.

Please try to relax, deep breathing helps, good luck today,

i want to send you some comforting hugs today, to help you relax. 🤗🤗🤗.

Kindness only.

Grandy.

ps, Simon and garfunkel are my favourite duo.

I’m back and I need support

Chicken_Wings — Thu, 01 Feb 2018 08:04:19 GMT

Thank you for your kind words Grandy.

last night I managed to eat some vegetables and this morning I ate a plumb and half an orange.

I think my psychologist appointment was helpful.

She gave me some exercises to do all about worry and some reading to help me understand how and why worry effects me.

So far it does make excellent sense. Now it is a matter of putting these things into action. I just wait till I worry again for that though.

I’m trying to get some more sunlight too. Some vitamin d will be good for me and I read that exposure to sunlight does help you sleep.

Im not a fan of camomile tea either. There is another one you can get called sleep tea. It has camomile in it, but it doesn’t taste so camomile-y.

I hope you are doing well Grandy.

I’m back and I need support

Ggrand — Thu, 01 Feb 2018 15:05:34 GMT

Hello Chicken Wings,

Im so pleased you ate some vegetables last night and a plum with half an orange for breakfast, That's really healthy food but please remember if you can, you need protein for your muscles.

Im pleased your Pysch visit was helpful , It's good she has given you some homework to do it will help with mindfulness,

I heard we need around 12 minutes of sunlight exposure per day to give up vitamin D and for sleeping. Maybe sit outside with the book your Pysch gave you and read outside in the sunlight. , Today was so nice and cool,

Chamomile tea yes yucky, ..I might try the sleep tea, thank you for letting me know.

My minds foggy at the moment words are not forming properly,

I hope you are doing well CW.

Kindness only,

Grandy.

I’m back and I need support

Chicken_Wings — Fri, 02 Feb 2018 04:57:51 GMT

You’ll be pleased to hear I ate dinner last night including some chicken.

I’m nervously optimistic today. I’m going to go outside into the garden.

I can still feel the anxious and sad feelings under the surface, but so far they’re just lingering there. No crying or panic so far today.

I hope you enjoy sleep tea. I find my fogginess becomes better when I’ve slept well.

I’m back and I need support

Chicken_Wings — Sat, 03 Feb 2018 12:50:42 GMT

Well after that day I spent the entire of today in bed. I feel a bit ashamed for doing it, but I just wanted a day off from these feelings.

I know it’s not the right thing to do and I should try and keep going, but I just didn’t want to today.

I had a nice long Skype with my mum tonight though and spent some time painting together.

I’m back and I need support

Chicken_Wings — Mon, 05 Feb 2018 03:38:17 GMT

I’m persisting with the exercises my psychologist gave me. I’m try my best.

Today I’ve made it to work and I’m ok sometimes and sometimes I feel less ok.

This is all hard work and I know it’s hard work that can’t be avoided if I want to be well again.

I’m hyper-aware of everything my body is doing and it makes me anxious.

I don’t know if anyone is reading this and I don’t know if writing here is helpful. But sometimes it feels good to get the thoughts out.