topic Alone..Depressed..Sad.. in Long-term support over the journey

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Ggrand — Sat, 05 Aug 2017 04:29:01 GMT

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

MsPurple — Sat, 05 Aug 2017 13:31:30 GMT

Hi Ggrand and welcome to the BB forums. We are a great supportive bunch here and offer no judgment, anonymous advice and support.

It sounds like you are really struggling with depression at the moment especially with the anniversary of your husbands death. It sounds like you are struggling with loneliness as well as depression. Unforntunely these can go hand in hand as depression makes you not want to go out (sometimes because wearing a mask is too tiring) and this causes you to be isolated. Kind of a vicious cycle. Depression also makes bed your best friend. It is a sad truth. I always know if my mental health is taking a dark turn if I am treating bed as my best friend again.

I was wondering if you are seeing a therapists? If not I suggest you book a long appointment with your local GP and discussing your depression concerns and how you are feeling. I know this is a daunting first step, however it will be worth it. I wish I had taken this step sooner. I got refered to a great therapist, and I was able to get the help and support I needed. I was able to go out and not wear a mask anymore. It took time but I eventually got there.

I want you to know you are not alone. Many of us in the forums have these feelings. Feel free to pop around the forums and interact with us. We are a great bunch of people trying to support each other.

Please keep me posted.

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

RandR — Wed, 09 Aug 2017 02:32:31 GMT

Hi Ggrand and welcome to the Beyond Blue forums,

I'm sorry to hear what you are currently enduring but not sorry to see you take a progressive first step and reach out when you feel the way you are feeling.

Do you mind If I ask how long this cycle has been going on for? I suffered major depression for over 10 years and can relate to that feeling of self containment and endless tears. Despite you feeling the way you are feeling there is no doubt a lot of courage and strength within you. I know this for a fact as you mentioned having children (and grandchildren which is great!) and I have always had a profound respect for mothers and everything that they endure.

Would love to hear back from you and talk more if you're comfortable to and thanks again for having the courage to reach out.

Kind regards,

Raman.

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Ggrand — Thu, 10 Aug 2017 01:09:34 GMT

Thank you RandR..the cycle has been going on for around 1 year now. I spoke to a phyciatrist over 1 week ago and have not heard back from her the next Dr (gp) appointment is not available until the end of September. Most of my days are either bed or couch. Just got no sense of purpose anymore and can't see anything ahead for the future.

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

RandR — Thu, 10 Aug 2017 05:54:31 GMT

Hi Ggrand,

You're very welcome and thanks for responding. Glad to hear that you've reached out to someone and seeking assistance. As for the next appointment being end of September, perhaps the online forums here might be a good online and safe platform for you to reach out and talk more if you feel comfortable to do so.

I'd be lying if I said that I've never been in the ' no sense of purpose' headspace. However, I was recently in that headspace and I'm inclined to think most people experience at some point. You mentioned the cycle being a year now. Do you mind if I ask a little bit more about you? What are some of your hobbies, passions, have you travelled, what are some of your aspirations prior to the cycle starting? Condolences for the anniversary of your husband passing too.

Look forward to hearing from you 🙂

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Ggrand — Thu, 10 Aug 2017 21:50:51 GMT

Thank you RandR...I did have hobbies. I enjoyed sewing, long stitch and embroidery also I had an interest in small antiques..when i started any new hobby Johnny would take the time to learn all he could about it and join me in doing them..double the fun..also when Johnny decided he wanted to restore an old BSA bike I also joined him in the restoration..We done everything together. Travel no we never traveled anywhere. We virtually stayed together nearly always..I was and still am a very timid person and really don't question anything people say to me and am quick to do as they say..really i am pathetic in that way..( I had a very abusive childhood both physical and yes the other one.) I just accept everything i have never felt anger ever. I just accept what happens no questions or thoughts about it..I've never had to make decisions before ever and am so uncertain of myself and have absolutely no confidence in myself even to go out anymore. I feel so overwhelmed by life that it scares me.. so now I retreat to my bed or couch and have lost all interest in it.

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

RandR — Mon, 14 Aug 2017 00:04:32 GMT

Thanks for sharing that. Sewing and small antiques sounds very interesting. Anything in particular? Believe it or not my parents imported and sold antiques. I was also surrounded by a lot of Franklin Mint! Sorry to hear about the abusive childhood. My own family and past relationships had endured similar experiences. You're stronger than you realise and think and pathetic isn't the word I would use. Confidence and self discovery takes time and even then, they are not essential and rather just a characteristic. My partner Veronica is very timid and shy too and not confident either. I like that about her though 🙂 Johhny sounds great and I love how you both did everything together. I can understand how it could be hard without him, however, the memories will always be there. As for feeling overwhelmed I had a slight breakdown a few weeks ago. Family with serious health issues, newish relationship, stress at work and being overworked. I was beyond overwhelmed however, I have certain things I do to release and take that weight away. Cooking. I'm an avid and huge cook. I throw on some classical music/jazz and open the curtains and windows and cook something I've never made before. Do you cook much at all or listen to music? I also listen to TedTalks. Are you familiar with TedTalks?

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Ggrand — Tue, 15 Aug 2017 22:30:54 GMT

Hi RandR, had a few bad days...I used to play music but to painful now Johnny was in a band and music atm still seems to upset me...cooking well Johnny's parents were Italian and wow good cooks they taught me how to cook their way and I so much enjoyed it..i would cook week days and Johnny would do the weekend..not ones to eat out we cooked every night..Now I really can't be bothered to cook, a couple of toast is about all I can manage...I know I have lost heaps of weight but really just can't get into a cooking mood. I never heard of tedtalks so I checked it out on YouTube and I did listen to him and he seems very smart in what he says..Feeling really abandoned atm..spoke to phyciatrist 2 weeks ago and she got in touch with another one who specializes in victim help but she rang me the other day and said she is not taking on new patients and recommend another one who I had seen a few times but made me so much worse (not sure if that's supposed to happen or not)..anyway I'm in limbo now and just don't know if I can handle all of this..I'm just so tied and really fed up and I think ready to give up and not fight this sadness anymore I think it will be easier for it to take over me and let it run its course and whatever happens will happen...

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Neil_1 — Wed, 16 Aug 2017 00:03:01 GMT

Hi there Ggrand,

Hope you don’t mind a new visitor popping by to say “hello”.

You mentioned that you have an appointment to see your GP, but that’s not til later in September?? Is there no way you could get that moved forward? It just seems to me, to be very important that you could get along to see a professional about how you are feeling at this current time.

Going to see a psych who you’ve seen before who didn’t help, is something that you should avoid. Sometimes you see a psych and you hit it off, and other times, there’s no connection at all and with the ones that you don’t get a good feeling about, then it’s ok to move on and try a new one.

I just wanted to let you know that there’s another listener here for you. Even on this site, there's places you can go to just read and enjoy ... like the one with the Social Pages. Lots of different things happening in there, to read, or even join in, if you wished.

Kind regards

Neil

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Ggrand — Wed, 16 Aug 2017 02:03:40 GMT

Hello Neil1. I live in a small town with the nearest hospital over 70klms away.. Drs are very scarce out here and appointments hard to get..We have a visiting psycologist 3 days per week..so the one I seen a few times that made me worse is the only one that comes to town..The phyciatrist comes to town for assessment purposes only I think.. she done the assessment for me and forwarding on to my Dr who will also be a new Dr to me, at the end of September..Drs only stay 6 months here then move on so cannot get or have a good relationship with a Dr. I can't go out as I just can't seem to make myself do so..I am at a loss as what I'm supposed to do and have no choice but to wait...I have no one in town to talk to as they have also moved on as my refusals to go out finally got to them..I see and speak to no one for 6 days a week every week.. I feel alone and scared of each new day as my thoughts run away to where I don't want them to....

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Neil_1 — Wed, 16 Aug 2017 03:16:58 GMT

Hi there Ggrand,

You actually answered another option that I had thought of after I sent me first response to you, and that was to do with friends/acquaintances. I’ve got that kind of thing as well, with friends kind of thing. I’m fine behind a keyboard, but to take up an opportunity of going out somewhere with them, for me, that’s a massive stressor for me. So I don’t get invited or asked anymore.

I don’t know if this is something you would consider or have thought of and already thought ‘no’ too, or maybe it’s just not an option at all; but for me, our family has our pet dog (he’s 12yo) now, and having him has helped me on lots of occasions. I’m not sure if it’s every dog, but I know that Jack seems to have this inbuilt mechanism, for when one of us in the family is sad, he’ll come to you and puts on the biggest sad and worried face and is right beside you. He seems to know.

That was me in a roundabout way of wondering if you’ve considered getting a pet … like a dog? I was trying to read into your posts to see if you already had one, so just thought I’d suggest this.

Neil

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Ggrand — Wed, 16 Aug 2017 10:22:56 GMT

Hello Neil1..This is my 3rd attempt at this post...I had 3 dogs a little family Dad (tigga) Mum ( Kya) and Daughter (Ebony).. Late last year I gave Tigga away because I was struggling looking after myself let alone 3 dogs..Kya n Ebony are low maintenance and don't need shaving as Tigga does..I love Kya and Ebony so much that I would protect them with my life. Tigga and Ebony were Johnny's Dog and he raised them. ..I feel so guilty that I gave him away..I am sorry but again my tears stop me from finishing..I'll try again later.. So tired of the way I feel atm..thank you and take care Neil1..

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Neil_1 — Wed, 16 Aug 2017 22:26:38 GMT

Hi there Ggrand,

I’m so sorry that your response was interrupted with tears … I sure wasn’t aiming for that kind of reaction. I realise that it wasn’t anything I said, but just the whole thought process of Johnny, and the dogs. Grief is a very hard emotion to deal with. I’ve struggled with deaths that I’ve faced in my own family, so know how horrible and tough the grieving process is … and also that it’s so different for every person … there’s also no real time frame for it either.

What breed of dogs do you have? And may I ask how old they are?

I lost my Mum in 2014 and I was then able to take care of her little dog (Australian Terrier) – Tess. She came with us to our home and we looked after her for another 2 years of her life. And sadly to put Tess down last November, she was 17yo; that was heart-breaking. But she’s with me every day now … I have a tattoo of her smiley face on the back of my right hand, so I see her all the time.

Have you been able to visit over to the Social Pages here for a look at what different thread topics there are? There are a huge number of wonderful people on this site and especially on the Social Page threads, there’s loads of different chats happening. You may not be interested or even up for that, but just thought I’d let you know about it.

Look forward to hearing back from you.

Neil

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Ggrand — Fri, 18 Aug 2017 04:54:39 GMT

Hello Neil1.

No it was nothing that you said it's been a really bad week..Kya (5) and Ebony (2)are Maltese x Yorkshire.. I did have a look at the social pages and have read some of them...

I had a big melt down yesterday and had to ring the 1800 number which helped me get through the day..They were really helpful..

Today I am not as weepy which is a good day for me..So very sorry to hear about you mum..My mum passed away just over a year ago and I miss her so much..

I have let so many people down these last few months and I'm afraid to say I think they have moved on.I just don't go outside anymore staying home has become the norm for me now. I used to enjoy window shopping but am afraid to go out now. One reason is the panick attacks another is bursting into tears for no apparent reason which happened once in a shop..I feel safe at home..

Just wondering how you cope with depression, sadness and anxiety is it something you learn or do we just learn to live with it.

Thank you so very much in your kindness.

Karen.

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Shellee32 — Sat, 19 Aug 2017 00:55:41 GMT

Hi Ggrand, I am very much a newbie, only joined minutes ago but i relate to a lot of your postings. I am in a rural area, nearest town 25 km's away which offers nothing really, I truly have no friends as such, and feel so alone it is crazy, I would love to have someone to have a cuppa with, a chat with and at times a shoulder to cry and lean on. I now seem to do nothing but look on the computer, have severe arthritis which has really stopped me from doing almost anything and this year has been the worst. The house is freezing and I stay in bed almost all day everyday, only leaving it for toilet breaks, coffee re fills and taking my little dogs outside. I just wanted you to know that people care and understand.

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Ggrand — Sat, 19 Aug 2017 06:21:08 GMT

Hi Shelley.

So sorry to hear that you are also in such a dark spot. I also spend most of my days and nights in bed, it's really getting me down as I read it's getting you down as well.

living in a small rural town we don't really get proper doctors and I think the proper treatment we need.

I have two little doggies but I'm ashamed to say that I don't take them out for walks simply because it's just so hard for me to step outside of my front yard. I know everybody in town but at the moment don't want anybody around I'm trying to keep this depression and anxiety a secret as I don't want everyone in town to know and I'm finding it hard to do so. No I don't have friends in town no one I could have coffee and talk to and it gets you more down,

I am trying so hard to get myself out of this dark hole but I'm failing miserably no one seems to understand what we are going through not even the psychologist or psychiatrist I feel lost and hopeless at the moment.

I have read several posts here and some of them do help the problem is I don't know how I got this way so I don't know how to get out of it. Arthritis is hard to handle at anytime let alone with depression. I can only hope that all of us who are suffering from this debilitating illness can eventually find a way out and live our life the way it's supposed to be lived and not just in bed all the time crying..

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Neil_1 — Sun, 20 Aug 2017 22:52:09 GMT

Hi Karen,

Sorry been away for a couple of days … well not away, but I generally don’t get much of an opportunity on weekends to log on.

You know I’ve been thinking … and I know this is something that makes things harder for me, and that’s winter time. I’m definitely not a cold weather person and so with winter, it makes it tougher. When it’s so cold out, or the wind is particularly brutal, that’s another reason why the bed can become so appealing.

I had my alarm go off this morning, and my immediate thought was: “Here we go again … the cycle continues”. And it’s just gotta … it has, cause the alternative is not good. It’s a matter of digging deep and getting going. I do sometimes wonder how I’m able to continue digging and reaching further, in order to get through days.

It’s the mechanisms that I’ve put in place over the many years I think are what helps me. My main one is trying to stay as fit as possible, and for me lifting weights (gym) is a huge release for me, not only physically, but mentally as well. I basically have two sanctuarys where I feel “comfortable”; obviously, one is home and the second one is at the gym.

I have a good GP, also a good psych and I’m on my 3 different kinds of meds on a daily basis. I have my set routines that I try to adhere to each day and if something goes out of whack with those, then that tests my anxiety levels.

I can’t just can’t “up and go out” at the drop of a hat anymore … like if a mate has asked me to the club or whatever and gives me a couple of days notice, I simply can’t do that. To do that, I need some lead up time, to get prepared and ready for it.

I’ve written a bit here about me and how I go about things … just hoping that something I’ve written might help with how you’re going.

Shellee, I’m sorry to hear also about your battles and struggles. I know what you mean also about the computer … while it can help to occupy and see things, etc, it possibly can be a bit of a hindrance in potentially stopping us from being more active and getting out a bit – though that’s just my own take on things.

Neil

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Ggrand — Mon, 21 Aug 2017 03:21:16 GMT

Hello Niel.

I agree that winter is not the best of climates, as far as summer goes no i really don't like summer it's just to hot and humid..early spring is my season.

A friend (ok i will call her a friend for now) came over yesterday and talked me into playing a game of Darts with 3 other ladies I know. Last night up all night trying to reason with myself I will be okay going. Anxiety had a hold of me all night, morning comes I'm waiting for her to pick me up, 1 hour later I'm a mess when the phone rings, she changed her mind.

I went to bed broken but also relieved that i didnt have to go out. then I realised why would they want someone as hopeless and sad as i am around them and i really couldn't blame them.

Really what use as am I to anyone while I'm like this im not even any good to myself. Bad thoughts are entering my mind, I'm not listening, last time i listened I attempted suicide. Not going there again.

I really am pleased that you have a couple of comfortable places and can dig deep to continue daily..You are an amazing person, helping others to get through there dark days while you yourself still enter them..

Thank you Neil..

Take care.

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Neil_1 — Mon, 21 Aug 2017 03:50:19 GMT

Hi Karen,

I see a massive positive there for you. Ok, so they changed their mind and it didn’t go ahead, but the offer was initially there AND you said yes to it.

You may not see it as such, but I am calling that a good step. Yes, of course, a shaky one and then it came with its aftermath as well, but at least it was “something”.

Is darts a game that you enjoy? I’ve got a board set up in the garage and occasionally play … not that often, but at times, we get out there with the kids (19yo and 16yo) and it’s good to play of a summer evening. None of us are any good, but it’s still fun to try.

I really do hope there’s another opportunity in the future for you to try for this again.

Kind regards,

Neil

Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Ggrand — Mon, 21 Aug 2017 05:55:01 GMT

Hi Neil.

Yes i played Darts with this group for around 7 months until I got to unwell to go.. So upset atm they did play today but not with me..

I can't understand why people can treat others this way..Why did she bother coming at all and asking me?. Did she come for a laugh at my expense?. What she/they did has made me feel not good at all..There definitely won't be a next time..I'm safe away from the outside world..

I have my little fur family and me that's all I need.

I will get better one day.

That's my promise to me..