topic Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better in Long-term support over the journey

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

Guest_5809 — Sat, 05 Aug 2017 01:12:49 GMT

I have been in this vicious cycle for so long now and nothing gets better. I am battle fatigued. Truely just numb. Single parent to 2 teens with mental health issues and a narcissistic ex ( kids father). I have experienced my ex attempt suicide, my youngest who was 10 yo at the time attempt suicide and my now 14yo attempt suicide 4 times. I live an emotional roller coaster that I vant keep up wth unless I self medicate. I have 2 inpatient admissions in 7 months cause I just can't see any light left. We exist not live. I am totally lost. We have support services in place but nothing changes . I don't know how other people seem to cope and I can't. I don't know what's wrong with my brain. I feel damaged and broken. I don't want pity and I know there are lots doing it harder than I am. I want to know how to survive this or is it possible t survive ths? And please don't advise me to self care. I truely have little or know time to myself to address my own needs as my chidrens needs are high plus I work to pay bills. Sorry to sound grumpy and selfish. I am just lost and feeling hopeless.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

geoff — Sat, 05 Aug 2017 18:31:28 GMT

hello Dottibluebell, it sounds as though life seems to be pretty tough for you with the worry of your two children and of course this also means you as well.
I don't know which support services you have in place and would like to know, and I say this because they may or they not be the typical choice, but I'm not going to dwell on this at the moment, because that's what you don't want.
I have to say how scared you must feel and undoubtedly I would as well, and no not everyone can cope at times, this illness is far too strong, we all know this, it's not 7 day virus it goes much deeper than that and much longer too.
There is no one else doing it tougher than you, and no we're not talking about other people here, we're specifically discussing your situation, no one elses.
You say that you don't want pity, well I'm sorry but that's what you do need because it's been an extremely devastating period for the three of you.
Is it possible for your kids to go and stay with some other family member, and I say this because I feel as though your family unit needs to be broken up for whatever period it takes, each one of you need individual help, I maybe wrong and please tell me if I am, but I would like to hear back from you about what support services you have been given. Geoff.

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

Guest_5809 — Sat, 05 Aug 2017 22:18:02 GMT

Hi Geoff. Thanks for replying.

We have lots of services involved. I have an outreach worker, mental health case worker AOD counsellor. Kids have youth workers and psychologist/case clinicians.

I have no family involved in or lives anymore since my first inpatient admission. They told my kids I am a terrible mother. I know I am making bad choices with alcohol and ptrescription meds, but i don't know how else to cope anymore. I feel so guilty for ruining my kids lives. I loathe myself.

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

Chrispie — Sun, 06 Aug 2017 02:51:03 GMT

Hi Dottibluebell Life can really test the best of us sometimes. I guess all we can do is take it day by day and hope that one day we see something we've been missing for years. We loose so much of the person we used to be when we have complicated issues in our lives. From personal experience and having depression, PTSD & anxiety life can improve. I am 54yrs old and felt lost, lonely, angry and depressed for about for over 30 years. I have had lots of trauma in my young life which seemed to follow me for many yrs to come. I've have been married for 26yrs which has had its challenges, including one of our girls being sexual abused by their grandfather. Which turned everyone's life upside down. About 10 yrs ago I began to see my life changing, I came across some great support through friendships. I started to see things differently and started to enjoy doing things like listening to music and dancing when I was home by myself, gardening and having time for coffee with friends. I now get pleasure from the simplest things in life. So yes life can get better! I have to say though that I did have to do a lot of self care in order to be there for not only my husband and girls but for me. It really does help. I hope you can also start to see through your troubles and enjoy life. Thinking of you Chris. 🙂

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

Guest_5809 — Sun, 06 Aug 2017 03:40:18 GMT

All family and friendships have expired since my admissions for mental health issues. I don't want or need anyone anymore. I have seen 6 psychs in the last 10 years and they listen but what has changed. Nothing. My self care is self medicating. That's all I can manage. Pathetic I know.

No one will have the kids due to their high needs. I don't like to sound ungrateful for all your suggestions but I cannot see anything positive as an outcome anymore.

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

roadhawk — Sun, 06 Aug 2017 06:02:56 GMT

i,am going to take a different approach((((( you who are above me)))

i'm going to look on you as a my general on a battle field of life!

on the wall is a map it is called the backward side of tomorrow,

your behind your desk, war is all around, a bomb has hit the bunker,

and timbers falling, you still sitting there, having a gin,

i come in shouting "who i'm i in this piddle drying uniform"?

you say to me, "did you know that it is very peaceful milking a cow"

i say "with all that (%#@*) going on around my soldiers you sit there like an anvil milking a ($%#&*)cow;

you turn around to the map and say"this is our escape plan in the near future;

and your voice tarries on the wind, stays in my mind.

no i'am not happy, but armrest is sometime in the future;

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

roadhawk — Sun, 06 Aug 2017 06:05:50 GMT

the reply is for dottibluebell sorry if i have greatly offended anybody

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

Chrispie — Sun, 06 Aug 2017 06:36:08 GMT

What does that mean?

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

Guest_5809 — Sun, 06 Aug 2017 07:37:09 GMT

I am sorry. I really don't understand what you mean. I can be quite dumb at times

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

Croix — Sun, 06 Aug 2017 11:22:31 GMT

Dear Dottibluebell~
You are a hard person to give a compliment to, even though I meant it. You have an enormous lode to cope with and whilst you might have various support agencies to assist the brunt still falls very much on you.

You talk of letting down your kids, however you are there for them giving an example of devotion and care no matter what.

I realize it can be frustrating to have the same suggestions made to you, particularly if you have tried them before or they are not practical. Despite that I do think that there has to be something that can ease you a little from time to time and take you out of yourself. If a comedian can lighten my state when suicidal then there is certainly relief in unexpected places.

Here I’m not talking about self-medication, which is a problem it itself and can only make things worse as time goes on. It is also dangerous. I really think you should seek help for that.

I’m very sorry your ties with your family and friends aren’t there now. Is there any possibility of being in contact again?

Please do not say or think you are pathetic, rather that you are trying to cope under and tremendous load.

Croix

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

Guest_5809 — Sun, 06 Aug 2017 21:21:10 GMT

The bridge with my family is broken. For years I couldn't be myself and pretended my life was great. Soon as they found out all lives are garbage, they don't want anything to do with us. They think I make it up and need yo grow up.

I know I have caused this hell of a mess my family is in through poor judgement and poor choices. I know I broken and unloveable. I am ok with that. I just wish I could change it got my kids. They deserve everything hrrsy know and I can't even manage it.

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

Guest_5809 — Mon, 07 Aug 2017 07:10:05 GMT

I am so sorry I am such a bag of misery. Everyone gets sick of me winging. I am draining and I apologise

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

Croix — Mon, 07 Aug 2017 07:41:01 GMT

Dear Dottibluebell~

Come on, if your life was just peachy you would not be here, we understand. Why do you think I"m trying to point out your strengths, precisely because you life is hard and you are making it though.

I remember you talking about Stockholm syndrome and being held hostage for fear you ex would harm himself. It is only a decent person, one that cares and does not want to see another hurt or live with the guilt that might result, who can be held by emotional blackmail such as that - where you're boxed in a corner by your own decency.

You may have felt the frustration, powerlessness and even regarded yourself as weak, however someone outside sees you ex as a manipulative weak idiot and you in a much more positive role.

If your family won't stay the distance when things are tough, what does that say?

I know you are unhappy with yourself and my words won't leave much of an impression. Can you do what I'm doing and think of a good thing about yourself? Or even something you'd like to improve?

While you are thinking why not say why your chose your avatar?

Croix (who finds Roadhawk's verse too deep for him to grasp properly too)

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

Guest_5809 — Mon, 07 Aug 2017 11:40:55 GMT

The avatar is about moving forward, hope. I really did believe in that. That was when I first joined bb. There is no belief left anymore. I have hope for my kids. I really do. I am just buying time til then.

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

Croix — Wed, 09 Aug 2017 07:34:34 GMT

Dear Dottibluebell~
Hope for your kids is a great thing. You realize of course you are a big part of that hope, with your determination and love. You came here what - 3 or 4 years ago? and things have not been good.

You have children with special needs, a family that sounds much worse than useless plus the legacy of a terrible ex – plus more.

Things can change, I think maybe your ability to see that has withered away, partly because of all these circumstances, partly your own illness and I hate to say it but maybe partly by self-medication which can have a depressive effect and also stop any meds you are on working properly.

You are no doubt thinking I’m unrealistic, maybe though my life collapsed in a different way and took a long time (more than 3-4 years) to hit a steady improve. A lot of that time I thought I was stuck without hope too.

I would like to think the reason you started this thread was so you could hope.

Most people are not that good at surviving repeated blows like you have received. Even though I’ve been there I don’t understand why, but for some reason self-blame and self-hate spring up. As you know these make the whole world different.

Your medical treatment has not worked, though as I said that may be at least in part due your self-med. You deserve a better happier life with things coming together. Even now steps can be made if you like.

Believe it or not you are a brave determined person and you harness that to keep going for your kids. Please use some of that for yourself.

Croix

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

Guest_5809 — Fri, 11 Aug 2017 09:31:55 GMT

I just want to see I have s great mask. I tried to tell me community case manager today. I look so all together I get to work I want only the best for my kids. But I am broken I am unfixable. I have had flashbacks of being about 6 and trying to self harm. I have never ever said that to anybody. I feel so ashamed and sick of the thoughts. I don't know why but it just adds to my idea I am broken. I am sorry if this is too much information. I just need to get it out of my thoughts.

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

Croix — Sat, 12 Aug 2017 00:50:47 GMT

Dear Dottibluebell~

No, not too much info, in fact just enough to give a brief idea of some of the things you face day to day, a pretty good move really.

Incidentally you don't really need to worry about saying to much here, you already know that one needs to remember others can be fragile. If you make a slip and do say too much it will simply not appear and you will be guided as to why, no hassles.

Feeling ashamed of those thoughts is something that comes from illness, not because there is anything to be ashamed of. Struggling to cope, which I would think is the reason for attempting self-harm, means something happened back then that strained your limits of coping, which at 6 years old are not as well developed as an adult.

This does not mean that something itself was necessarily terrible, it might well have been of course, or then again might have been only terrible in the eyes of a young child.

If I knew there was something that powerful in my past and it was affecting me now I'd need to sort it out, I think I'd need another with me though. I'd be reluctant and frightened to look further. I'd need to as life can't be ruled by feelings of shame and lack of self worth. Such things leach out all possibility and hope for better, and you do deserve better.

Feeling sick of the thoughts - well yes of course. Being presented with the same very unpleasant memories and feelings again and again will do that to anyone, grinding them down more.

Look, I don't think I'm really telling you anything you don't intellectually know, even if your feelings and emotions don't accept that. I can tell you with perfect truth you are not broken. Weighed down with great pressure so you cannot see any future for yourself -yes, even so a better future is there, just hidden.

Many of us wear a mask, some just with those we are not close to, some even with them. Going outside the mask means discarding a coping skill that seems to work a bit, and as such can be very frightening. If you have a medical professional you think you can trust then write things down and hand over the paper. I had to do that.

Your life can be better, not just lived for your kids, but for you too. It might take time but it can be there. These are not just idle meaningless words, I've experienced it myself

Croix

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

blondguy — Sat, 12 Aug 2017 01:35:08 GMT

Hi Dottibluebell

Croix Geoff & Chrispie have covered so much above with their noteworthy posts

I understand that you dont feel well right now Dotti. I just wanted to say that you have incredible strength for having posted on the forums about the pain you are going through.

Making an effort is a huge step towards recovery. It took me 8 weeks to post my own thread topic as my depression was rock bottom when I joined. I didnt have the guts.

The forums are a safe and non judgemental place and there are many gentle people that can be here for you

Im Paul and its really good to meet you Dottibluebell

My kind thoughts for you

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

Guest_5809 — Sat, 12 Aug 2017 09:47:32 GMT

I so greatful for all of your supportive comments. I am so pleased To meet you all. I don't know how to deal with any of these thoughts except in an uncostructive way. It seems to be the only way to deal with pain without Pandora's box opening. Once that opens I am afraid of myself. 1 hr psych appts a week don't feel will keep me contained. It's very scarey o am really scared.

Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

blondguy — Sat, 12 Aug 2017 10:20:32 GMT

Hey Dotti

After what you have been through being scared is more than understandable.....many of us have known some of the awful pain you are and have been going through

you are not alone here Dotti....you are an important part of the Beyond Blue forum family

I hope you can stick around and be comfortable here as we have your back

Paul