topic I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil. in Long-term support over the journey

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Zenobia — Mon, 24 Apr 2017 22:59:35 GMT

A long term enduring amazing friendship at work changed when we started working more closely together. He is married with young children. I am single with an adult child. His marriage was dysfunctional with constant fighting and arguing. Everyone at work is aware of his marital problems and believe him to be a victim of domestic violence.

We developed the most amazing bond and friendship. There was never enough time in our day to finish a thought or conversation. We truly met each other on every level. He is the most rational, ethical, kind, gentle man I have ever known. We decided to progress our relationship and started a brief affair, but the sex wasn't that important. We just wanted time together. The future we planned, the love we declared! OMG it was intense. He articulated his love for me in amazing beautiful words every day. He inspired me to dream every day. He is truly amazing. Everyone at work loves him.

He is honestly my soul mate. We share eveything emotionally and intellectually and he believed this too.

Then his wife discovered some text messages. She took his phone and control of all his communication options. She gave him her phone so that she can monitor his location every second they are apart. She drives him to & from work. He has no other friends or family in Australia.He planned to use his wife's anger to kick him out. Then something changed. They are seeing a counsellor and the counsellor said he needs to rebuild her trust. The isolation he now endures is all part of the trust building. I am allowed no contact. The counsellor has advised he never speak to me again. We currently work at different premises but he now wants to quit his job now.He has told me he no longer loves me and wants to stay with his wife. My mother died last week and he did not contact me at all.

This is my best friend! I am alone, cannot tell anyone what happened, cannot get any support because we had an affair. I can't even tell my family, friends why he's not around. He is depressed but he has made a decsion to stay with her so at least he has a focus and a goal.

The counsellor said all coomunication with me must end. For the first time in my life I am having suicidal thoughts. Do counsellors not need to consider the effect of their advice on third parties? I need to speak to him to understand what has changed and for my own closure. Am I truly that evil that I deserve no consideration in this situation? All the blogs tell me I am in the wrong.

Help!

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

quirkywords — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 03:30:33 GMT

Zenobia

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story. This is a safe respectful and nonjudgmental place.

It is a sad and complicated story for everyone.

Condolences on the death of you mother. It is unfortunate at this time when you need lots of support while you grieve, that you feel so alone.

Of course you are not evil, and I am sad if people have made you feel like that.

When you say ' all the blogs tell me I am in the wrong". What blogs are you talking about?

I just wanted you to feel welcome here .

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Ken1 — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 03:37:01 GMT

Hey Zenobia,

I promise, you are not evil, and I'm sorry that you are going through this.

I want to firstly strongly suggest that you consider seeing a psychologist or a counsellor - someone who you can talk to without fear of being judged and who will put your needs first.

It sounds like you've lost almost a piece of your heart and I can only imagine based on a similar experience I endured myself last year. The one thing I always urged myself to remember was, 'How lucky am I to have felt that way about a person.'

Despite him

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Ken1 — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 03:44:30 GMT

SORRY my post cut off!

Despite him not being around anymore, I think it's important that he give his marriage and the damaged pieces in that relationship a chance, especially as there are children involved. I'm not saying you should feel bad in any way, but if there's silver lining then that could be it.

Regardless of who's in the wrong (which frankly isn't that important right now), it really sounds like you're hurting and especially considering you're having suicidal thoughts I hope you will seek help.

If you feel like those thoughts do escalate uncontrollably, please seek 13 11 14 which is the lifeline hotline.

You are very worthy of being alive and engaging in more wonderful relationships, like the one you've had. Would love for you to keep in touch.

Bonnie

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Zenobia — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 06:50:04 GMT

Dear Ken1 and quirky words,

I already feel better even though your kind words have reduced me to tears.. but these are different . Sometimes you just need to hear a kind word and even though you are strangers, it shows the power empathy can have. Suddenly, here, I am not alone anymore. I have googled the whole web to find support for the mistress and in almost all cases, they call you a home wrecker. His home was already wrecked, not by me. If anything, I am a victim but trying to find acknowledgment of that is so hard. It seems society sees the man as having transgressed but the mistress is evil, wrong, desperate, needy, lacks self confidence... I am none of those. Sorry if I misled you about the negativity being in the blogs on this site, I meant on the general internet, even so called psychology advice pages.

I was widowed when I was 25 years old with a 1 year old baby (my husband was killed in a car accident). I was alone for 16 years, totally alone until I met an older man I would describe as a companion. We never lived together or anything. We drifted apart and then I fell in love as I had never done before. Honestly, it is just like the Bob Marley quote about your one and only true match.

To lose both real loves in my life so so suddenly, makes me feel that everything is so unfair. I have always tried to do the right thing, be the good daughter, colleague, mother, sister, partner... here is a pathetic why me moment.

When will it be truly my time to enjoy life. All I see ahead of me is caring for my elderly father who is now alone, my daughter has just been diagnosed with a serious rare disease...

She is the reason I keep going but again, I feel pathetic because all I want for a few years is to be totally selfish and do what I want to do.

I think I will see a counsellor...

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Doolhof — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 07:54:18 GMT

Hi Zenobia,

I too welcome you to the forums. I see you have already received some wonderful comments by others. I too offer my sympathy for the loss of your Mum.

You mentioned you are thinking of seeing a counsellor, that could well be very beneficial. I would like to suggest that you ask him or her about grief. You have mentioned a few losses, grief can impact us in ways we may not even realise.

Loving someone who has been taken from you one way or another can be very devastating. It is only natural you have mixed emotions and confusing thoughts.

Hopefully you will be able to receive all the help and support you need for your daughter. Ask your Dr what supports are available for you right now. The council may be able to suggest options for places where you can gain assistance for your father as well.

Some days I am totally overwhelmed with what is happening in my life, and I have little to be concerned about compared to you. My suggestion is that you try to conquer one thing at a time. Prioritise what needs to be done now and what can wait for a while.

It may also help you to write out how you are feeling in a letter, then burn it, rip it up or destroy it somehow. Getting all of that pain out helps.

Wishing you well, cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Croix — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 09:42:14 GMT

Dear Zenobia~

I'm truly sorry at your story, for your daughter, and for your great losses, mother and soulmate.

First let me give you a scrap of hopeful news to help combat the your vision of the future. I met and married my wife, who was a widow, when she was about your age. We have been together 21 years and are still in love. You need not think chances don't exist in the future for you. It could well happen.

Feeling pathetic because you want a life is totally silly, of course you are entitled to one - a good one with love, satisfaction and accomplished. As an aside people that have a balanced life are better able to care for others. More sense of proportion, more energy, more happiness to give.

Look at things this way, for someone to appreciate you, fall in love with you - twice - means you are a pretty good and worthy person. It comes across to me here in how you talk too, your values.

Frankly I feel more sorry for the man you hoped to be with. I suspect a sense of guilt and duty has him trapped in a relationship where he is completely controlled and subject again to all the things that made his marriage start to fall apart. Trapped there by his own sense of obligation away from the person he no doubt did regard as his soulmate. I see no possibility of trust being rebuilt there - ever.

The councilor would have been tasked with keeping that marriage glued together, so would not have thought about what is right, kind or even fair. It is no reflection on you.

Bonnie, Quirkywords and Mrs Dools have all given good advice. At the very least you need grief counseling and plus practical help with your daughter and father.

I'm gladdened you are thinking of a councilor - be choosy, fine one that 'clicks'.

You have my best wishes, and should you need or just want to keep on talking you will be received with care and understanding

Croix

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Zenobia — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 17:36:43 GMT

Oh my dearest kind souls,

Thank you so much for your advice and kindness. I have booked an appointment for the GP to get referral to a counsellor but you know what?

I think I am going to be fine. I was writing my mother's eulogy today and and I could hear her voice, her calmness and love came through to me. My mother had the worst childhood anyone could imagine, a child watching her family die around her while locked in a Russian concentration camp. She must have been strong because she was the most balanced happy person I knew. She had many reasons to be hateful, vindictive and bitter. She was none of these. If she could endure this and raise 3 well balanced children she is my example.

My daughter has her courage and disposition. She has suffered for 11 years before she was finally diagnosed. (In case you are curious and the more people who know about this disease the better, she has Ehlers-Danlos syndrome - vascular). She demands nothing of me and all I need to provide her is support when she is going through a bad patch and to not react when she gets irritable.

Reading these answers, and writing my mother's eulogy has really helped to put this all in perspective. I will ring my dear friend and offer him peace. I will tell him not to worry about me. I will tell him I am available if he ever needs help but I won't be demanding anything in return. I will give him the opportunity to either achieve a happy relationship with his wife or realise it is not possible. It won't be my fault if he doesn't make it and I will endeavour to lighten his load by telling him that I will be OK because I know that my pain is part of the burden he carries. He is a martyr and is taking full responsibility. I did try to explain to him that the victim of an affair is not necessarily the victim in the marriage but he doesn't see that.

I will also make it clear that I will not be waiting around for him to come back to me but if at some time in the future we can be friends again, I will welcome that.

I cannot emphasise how much this forum has helped in such a short time. I will never forget this and you all and how such simple encouragement and endorsement and valuing my feelings has made a difference.

I think I will find peace again.

Thank you all, I will certainly be giving him this website to look at and perhaps he can find solace here too, when he gets his computer privileges back....

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Zenobia — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 17:46:15 GMT

Thought you might this amusing...

On my darkest night when I truly thought I wanted to die, I did dial the help line. I misdialled and got the NRMA...

Even at that time I saw the irony in that but now I see the humour too, I was having a break down but I rang the NRMA as if they could fix me as they do my car...

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

geoff — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 18:41:44 GMT

hello Zenobia, well some great comments by those who have replied, but so many people believe what is said on the net, and obviously if you google 'find support for the mistress' then it's going to tell you that you are in the wrong, however now this chap has been told not to contact you and is now totally been supervised by his wife and eventually this will annoy him.
Even though you may have to look after your dad and very sorry that your daughter has this rare disease, you still need to find some happiness within yourself, so this connection with this chap has been a dream come true, but if he is dominated in what he can do or who he can see then a barrier will form between he and his wife and make him more determined to see you.
I'm not meaning any of this to cause a separation between he and his wife, but if he is not happy in his marriage and falling in love with you then it can't be stopped.
The more his wife restricts him, and the more she is pushing him away, the quicker he will want it to end, a marriage can't survive this and disharmony will increase.
You have had to deal with so much and it's still ongoing with your daughter, who I feel terribly sorry for, but just wait, you don't know what is around the corner. Geoff.x

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Doolhof — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 21:36:13 GMT

Hi Zenobia,

It is so wonderful to read your words. I'm sure you will do your Mum proud as you read out your eulogy. My father in law had an upbringing very much like your Mum.

There may be moments in your days ahead where you will feel hurt and confused along with the days when you feel strong and in control. Remember this is a place where you can always be yourself, and like you mentioned, a place where you will feel validated and acknowledged.

There is a thread here called Bouquet of Pearls where people can mention others who have written something beneficial and meaningful to people who are suffering.

I want to give you a virtual bunch of white roses for your strength in all you have been through recently.

Cheers to you from Mrs. Dools

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Doolhof — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 21:38:24 GMT

Oh, one more thing,

Suggesting this forum to anyone whom you think is in need of sharing or help with mental health issues would be beneficial for that person.

Your friend may do well to know that people care how he is feeling .

Mrs. D

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

quirkywords — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 22:27:01 GMT

Zenobia

Thanks for letting us know how you are going.

I am so pleased you have found peace here. Your mother was an amazing person to endure what she did and to be so balanced and happy.

I am sorry to hear about your daughter but am please she now has a diagnosis.

You sound so different than in your first post.

I can see you are calmer and have worked out a plan for your future.

As Mrs Dools said this is a place when you can be yourself and it is here when you need it. The support is always here.

Take care

quirkywords

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Ken1 — Wed, 26 Apr 2017 07:40:48 GMT

Yay I'm so so thrilled to hear you describe such positive thought patterns and decisions for yourself! You go sister!

I actually do find that quite amusing - I had a little giggle. Not sure what that means but appreciate that you can find humour in it!

Always here when you need. 🙂

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Zenobia — Wed, 26 Apr 2017 12:57:23 GMT

Dear Mrs Dools, Croix, Geoff, Ken1 and quirky words,

I truly believe that my change in outlook truly started here. To have my feelings validated, without judgement, truly made a world of difference. Although I cannot speak to those who matter most to me about this, you have shown me what a wonderful community this forum is, which is just a reflection, I believe, of the greater community in which we are lucky enough to live in.

I spoke to my friend today and relieved him of the burden of worrying about me but also extracted a promise from him that if anything were to happen, any crisis, at any time in the future, he is to contact me any time day or night. I also told him that although my feelings haven't changed, my priority was his health and wellbeing - everything else can be dealt with at a later time.

Although I have some peace now - the anger, the desire for revenge or just the need to make him feel what he did to me, seems to have abated. I am still so so hurt and on the edge of tears often, but I am no longer consumed by it. My feelings towards him are unlikely to ever change, just get buried a little deeper every day.

Croix, thank you for offering me hope for love again... not much I can say to that but at this time it is impossible to fathom but it is there in my heart and I have told myself that I won't ignore it if it ever comes knocking again. Geoff, my friend feels so guilty for betraying his wife, I wouldn't be surprised if he endured a lifetime of hell because he feels he needs to be punished for what he has done. I hope one day his counsellor speaks to him alone, without his wife present, and asks him questions about his guilt and puts forward the notion that he too is entitled to happiness.

Which ever way things turn out, I will hope for his health and safety, wish that he comes back to me when he has truly accepted his marriage is over, but I will not wait, hiding in a depressing dark corner. I will live a life without that connection of mind and soul but a life worth living nonetheless.

I look forward to regularly perusing these pages and hope to use my experience of my darkest moments to perhaps help others as you have all helped me.

Thank you for the sunshine.🌞

Zenobia.

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Croix — Sun, 30 Apr 2017 13:54:21 GMT

Dear Zenobia~

I'm glad it's getting better for you, I'm also glad you are sticking around. You gave some beautiful practical advice today.

Croix

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

geoff — Sun, 30 Apr 2017 20:29:08 GMT

hello Zenobia, a lovely reply and thank you so very much, and please remember a good cry can also help you along the way, and I could never hide it myself, that I've had many an occasion where I have cried for hours, and never feel as though it's a weakness for a male. Geoff.

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Doolhof — Sun, 30 Apr 2017 22:29:12 GMT

Hi Zenobia,

Wishing you well on your journey of life and discovering who you are and who you can be.

It is also wonderful that you feel like sticking around and being open to assiting others. Like you mentioned, being acknowledged and validated can make a huge difference!

Cheers from Mrs. D

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

quirkywords — Sun, 30 Apr 2017 23:08:36 GMT

Thanks for your wonderful reply and for keeping us up to date.

I am glad you have some peace and you can move forward. You have shown you are a compassionate and understanding human. It is caring of you to want to help others with your experience. That is what makes this forum so helpful.

You are on a journey as Mrs D says, and hope we can share some of it.

Take care

quirky

I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Zenobia — Mon, 01 May 2017 13:50:05 GMT

Thank you all,

This forum has helped me on my way. Although I can see the sunshine now, I still have difficulties feeling its warmth.

I still have a ways to go... this is my first step.

Zenobia x