topic New and not sure what to do in Long-term support over the journey

New and not sure what to do

Pysis — Tue, 22 Aug 2017 06:00:48 GMT

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

New and not sure what to do

Guest_128 — Tue, 22 Aug 2017 09:40:23 GMT

Hi there,

Sounds like you have been suffering for some time. I am aware that you are in a remote town,is there a gp you can see,or how far to a bigger town. Maybe talking to a gp would give you some avenues you could try. There is also numbers here on BB that you can phone.

It would be awful to feel like you are,there are many people here that you can talk to,have a look around the forum I know it's very hard but I want you to know we are here it just takes a bit of time.

would love to hear back from you and if there is any question,just ask and someone will be along.

Dory

New and not sure what to do

Pysis — Tue, 22 Aug 2017 09:59:20 GMT

Hi dory thank you for taking the time to answer me it means a lot.

ive seen my local gp and she has put me on antidepressants that's the first thing I made sure I did when I started to get depressed. I've been talking to a counsellor online for a few months now but it's difficult becuas it can take them a few days to answer me. I've been just been in survival mode for so long and I'm just so tierd. My family isn't that great with this kind of thing I've only really got my mum and my dad continually makes the problem worse he is pretty mentally abusive. For so long I've just had no one, I've been trying to talk to my best friend but she is to busy and last night she got angry with me and just told me she can't do it.

Thank you so much for being welcoming so far I've had someone answer both of the posts I put up it is just such a relief to feel like someone is there. So far it's felt like nothing helps me it has just felt like one never ending circle like I said I was getting better until all this stuff happend with my boss. She wants me to attend this lectur on how to make puppets on Friday but I just don't feel up to it at all, I tried to tell her last night that I am having a hard time but she basically told me I was making it up and that I should be grateful for the opportunity and she's sick of me being negative, I don't know what to do about it all becuase it's making me worse and I don't want to be there at the moment.

New and not sure what to do

Pysis — Tue, 22 Aug 2017 11:58:38 GMT

I have found if I help people it helps me to take my mind off things for a while but the thing is I don't really know wether I should be helping people at the moment either. People have told me I just need to focus on myself but I can't help myself most of the time I just end up helping anyone who asks for it. But I also feel kind of hurt becuase I do try and help a lot of people but for so long no one has been even willing to try and help me. A lot of the time I just wish I didn't live in this town and was accepted by people. I've been through a lot in my life and I've gotten through most of it ok but now it just feels like all of the emotions and hurt that I've pushed down and ignored over the years have all reared their heads and I'm feeling them all at once. I'm in overwhelm most of the time and I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I feel empty and like I don't have a purpose anymore.

New and not sure what to do

startingnew — Tue, 22 Aug 2017 22:20:50 GMT

Hi Pysis

Please know ive read your story. I dont quite have the time to write the response id like to but know i care.

New and not sure what to do

Pysis — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 00:23:22 GMT

Thank you

New and not sure what to do

startingnew — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 02:47:43 GMT

Hi Pysis

I know exaclt how you feel. I lost my horse to colic only a few weeks ago so I understand how your feeling.
You sound like a really good friend to be doing all of that even while your sick. But now its time to take care of you.

Its great youve gone to your gp but I would recommend you ask to be refferred to a psychatrist. A psychiatrist specialised in mental health type medications and while gps are good I find that psychiatrists are better in this area.
Also I would ask about seeing a psychologist one-one. Ask your gp for a mental health plan and it allows you to be able to claim back a portion of your sessions for some of them.
These would be the first steps id recommend you take.

With your online counsellor, see if they have a webchat if your not comfortable talking on the phone or if you are call them and request to speak to your counsellor.
Its hard over emails as they dont reply in the time they are off work so its better to get the then and now support. Also depending on the site your using e.g kids helpline or headspace they keep a record so even if your counsellor isnt there the time you ring whoever your speaking to at that point in time can take a llok at the records and notes.
When things start to get overwhelming or your feeling really alone or dont know how to approach things try give the helplines a call or webchat. Dont keep squashing them down ok, there is help out there please accept and reach out just as you have done here
theres beyond blue who have webchat and a phone
headpspace who have webchat and phone
and kids helpline has a webchat and phone
theres also mensline as well. Im not sure what they have as im female.

Trying to survive is very tiring so its time to act now and get the help you need and deserve. You sound like you have the determination and willingness to get better as well as accept the help thats avaliable so I think youll go far. Im not saying itll be easy but im sure you will get there.

New and not sure what to do

Pysis — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 03:53:16 GMT

Hi starting new thank you for reasoning to me.

i really have wanted to see a specialist but I don't have much access to one where I live the closest place to see one is 3 quarters of an hour away and my mum works all week and I don't have my license yet so I have no real way of getting there I was lucky to get to the gp. My counsellor is in America but spits a serice where they work and answer form home so she has been pretty good but over the weekends she dosent very often answer unless she's worried about me. The real problem I, finding with getting help is just my lack of acces to it all the restores people have sujested to me I don't have a great deal of acces to. I can't really do we chats due to our horrible internet signal and I'm not great on the phone I didn consider it but at the moment I can't even talk to the few friends k have on the phone without having panic attacks. I'm trying to get some people around me who care or can be there for me just a little becuase the suport networks I had set up for myself have just fallen apart this year. I've had a lot of mental abuse over the years both at home and at school. I was really badly bullied for a long time and was physically hurt a lot and my dad has been and still is very mentally abusive and used to be physically abusive. I know of feel stupid for feeling the way I do becuase I know my life hasn't been as hard as other people's but I can't stop feeling this way. I just feel so alone all the time most of the time I'm alone on the farm by myself the closest people to us are a 10 minute drive away and I don't really know them so it's hard. I'm in the CFA amd go to car accents and fight fires when I can and that brings me little happiness for a short while to be able to help people but the good feeling dosent last long and I've volunteered with riding for the disabled but I can't get there anymore.

I dont know know what to do about this situation with my boss she is making me feel worse all the time and I was getting better by myself before everything happend with her but now I'm just back to where I was at the start, she's accusing me of lying about being depressed becuase I can manage to keep it together at work but inside I'm dying I just don't know what to do.

New and not sure what to do

Pysis — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 04:28:42 GMT

My horse literally couldn't breath it was horible he was so scared and my mum was blaming me and I was trying to calm her down and then my younger brothers were distraught so I tried to be there for them and I just had to shut my emotions down to get through it. He was the second horse I'd put down in 3 months the other one I had to put down becuase he had cancer and he was starting to be in pain so I had to make the call.

Ive always had to be the one who makes the hard calls and I'm so sick of it, I've pretty well had to be a father for my brothers becuase dad just isn't there emotionly at all so I've had to teach myself how to survive and do things and then try and pass that on to my brothers and I don't know wether I'm doing a very good job anymore. Everything in my life has just been a fight and I'm just so tierd.

New and not sure what to do

Pysis — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 05:51:25 GMT

Sorry I meant responding to me, not reasoning to me.

New and not sure what to do

startingnew — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 07:56:04 GMT

Ok so with limited access id still speak to your gp, some psychiatrists work on the weekend and thats the same as psychologists. Both of these people for me work on weekends.

Id really recommend speaking to an australian therapist. In my last response it listed a few services, id recommend using one of them. They are avaliable 24/7 so they are easy to get in contact with.

Do you know how to handle the panic attacks? If not I can help you with those or give you some advice on how to manage them..

dont feel stupid for feeling like this, its a common feeling but its not true. Your feelings are very real and valid. Are you able to try and find another job? For a starters she really shouldnt be saying that or judging you. I understand the 'attention seeking' business I cop the same thing every single day and its not fun and its not a nice stigma to have hanging over your head but I can guarentee you, your not attention seeking. Like I said your feelings are very valid and you shouldt be squashing them. I know that makes things worse as well.

Your horse situation sounds very similar to my own. She had a very bad case of colic and I spent over 7 hours trying to walk her so that it wouldnt get worse but it didnt matter, I knew what had to be done. My mother and sisters got to go home and werent strong enough to stay for the next vet visit so I was on my own and watched my horse have the green dream and also be buried. Its not the greatest feelings in the world. Im not trying to make you feel worse or anything but just telling abit of my story so you know I do understand how your feeling. The other day my friends had a sick horse and was stressing that much that I ahd to go there and hold her horse for the vet. Lucky for her it wasnt major just had a sore tooth so didnt want to eat.
And then ive had my new horse for 4 months and ive just had to give her back to her old owners because she has an injury that makes her unsound. So im understanding and hearing how your feeling.

Please try and get in contact with you a hotline or something here. I think itll help you even in the dhort term just to vent- which your more than welcome to do here as well, what you say here stays here-but just for someone who can actually 'know' who you are. If that makes sense.

New and not sure what to do

Pysis — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 08:50:51 GMT

Hi starting new thank you for responding and caring it's a nice feeling.

I'm seeing someone tomorrow now to see if they can help me with what I'm going through hopefully they can help. But if they don't I'm going to have to try and convince my mum to take me to a specialist even though she dosent want me to she dosent like them. I'll have a look at the sites you recommended i am pretty happy with the counselor I have now we have kind of clikced if that makes sense but it would be nice to have someone who can answer a bit quicker.I'm really not coping with the panic attacks at the moment I've tried a lot of things like breathing and mindfulness and listening to my music which all used to help when I suffered with them before but it's not working now, I'd love some advice on how to deal with them. I've got 5 jobs on and off at the moment but I recently had surgery on my hip and I haven't been able to lift anything or bend over much. I'm only supposed to be a garder for the boss I've been talking about she has slowly pushed me into more and more things it's difficult becuase she's a family freind and I haven't wanted to let her down but the puppet show involves me bending over and it's started to agrivated my hip and I'm not getting paid for most of the work I've done. She's just been nasty over it she thinks I should be grateful for the opertunity but I just can't get into it I can't get into much at the moment. It's just hurtful that she says that I'm just making it up and I'm just being negative. I'm been struggling with this for around 5 months now and I've been working for her the whole time and forcing myself to get there and do my job becuase I haven't wanted to let her down at one point I was picking olives for her and pretending to be fine all day and then just coming home and falling apart I was crying and I was just a mess.in my town it's not really accepted for men to feel thier emotions we are just expected to shove them down and get on with it but I've never fitted that stigma I've always been more emotional than the average guy and I've coped so much stuff over it from people. I think people think I should be this big tough man who dosent get upset by anything becuase I am very tall and I'm pretty strong from some of the work I do but I'm not that person. I'm sorry to hear about both of your horses it's not something I wish for anyone it really is horrible. But it's nice to know someone understands thank you.

New and not sure what to do

Guest_128 — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 09:11:49 GMT

Hi Pysis,

I see you have met my good friend Star,you have a friend in deed.

I m really proud that you are moving forward and trying to get the help you need.

Just thought I would pop in and let you know I'm following you and will try to help when I can.

oh the thing about real men don't cry is bs

Try and get as much sleep as you can,to help recharge your batteries.

Dory

New and not sure what to do

Pysis — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 09:55:13 GMT

Thanks Dory

it means a lot to have people that seem to care. I know that the stigma around men is bs but sometimes I just wish town knew that as well. Yeah I've really been struggling to sleep lately I haven't slept properly for about a month now I don't normally get to sleep till around 3:00am and then mmh brothers wake me up most morning when they get ready for school at about 6:40am.

thank you for caring.

New and not sure what to do

startingnew — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 10:27:22 GMT

I do care Pysis I care a lot and while I might not have the best advice I will still be here supporting you.

Im really glad your seeing someone tomorrow, please dont hold back on how your feeling. Be open and honest, they will be able to better help you that way.
Again that reaction from your mum is pretty common and while its not great, I think shes worried but doesnt know how to say it. My mother acted the same way and the first time I went to hospital with a breakdown she was a massive factor in the ' attention seeking' and 'you dont need that' lectures. She doesnt have to like them but sometimes it really does help and as I said your determination will greatly help you along.

If you use any of the helplines here it doesnt matter, you can still communicate with with your other one. If you choose to use them here, its up to you how you utilise it. use them as you need or use them weekly.
Kidshelpline does weekly communications as well and they can arrange to call, connect with you your prefered day of the week, weekly.

So its hard to find what works for panic attacks. Ive been having a few of them lately myself. What I find helps me is to take a good few deep breathes and just have a walk, even if its to the letterbox or from the bedroom to the kitchen. Just to get out of that environment.

I have a threas you might me interested in. ive opend it up a little bit ago but type into the BB search bar 'COPING STRATEGIES' its started by me and has a few pages on different breathing and mindfullness techniques as well as grounding exercises and distraction ideas.

Sometimes too much work is bad, I work full time plus have another part time job as well as care for my two younger sisters most days so I get the hectic schedule and I have quite a few physical ailments that are painful and make it difficult to do things sometimes.

Being a family friend it does make it hard to say no, but it is possible. You said you have 5 jobs on and off, maybe you could downsize and stop doing this work.

New and not sure what to do

startingnew — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 10:28:13 GMT

continued on..

I hate that stimga surrounding men and their emotions. I find it stupid really and tbh unacceptable. Men are humans too with real emotions and feelings and have the right to be open, honest and express their feelings just as much as anyone. I find it gets a lot of men into trouble because it makes them bottle things up, just as its doing to you when really its a cry out for help. -im not saying that in a bad way either.

Im sorry to hear about your horses too, but while the experience is dreadful and I wouldnt wish it on anyone either it does help us to conenct with others and their experiences with their pets.
I do understand and im hearing you

Shoutout to Dory- who is awesome too

New and not sure what to do

Pysis — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 11:09:13 GMT

Again thank you starting new so much. I only used pysis because i didn't know what else to call myself pysis is the Greek god of nature. I don't know weather it's allowed or not but if you want you can call me Nath.

Yeah im starting to get ok at talking about my emotions now it's taken me a long time though and I've never really done it in person with anyone so I'll try and be as honest as I can be. I know my mums worried it's just she can be very left feild she used to be a old time hippie so she's very much into natural ways of dealing with things. I am a very determined kind of person I've faced a lot in my life and up until now I haven't really let it get to but at the time I was just stuffing my emotions away to survive. I haven't had a look at any help lines yet but I will.

yeah I've been dealing with panic attacks my entire life they are horrible it used to completely controle my life most of my anxiety over the years has come from my dad he used to beat me a fair bit and was very mentally abusive so I had really bad seperation anxiety when I was younger I didn't trust him so I would be just terrified when my mum left me home with him and I didn't stay away from home very much becuase I was scared he would hurt one of my younger brothers or my mum. Thank you for the advice I'll give it a try. I'll also have a look at the feed you started.

yeah im trying to study as well from home so sometimes work gets a bit much but at the moment all my other jobs have kind of come to a stop for a while, I'm a roustabout in the sheering sheds when they need me as well as a fencer, Gardner, handyman and artist. But being winter it's to wet to get into the padocks to fence and becuase of my hip at the moment I can't really do the other jobs. After this week I'm not going to work for the boss that's causing me problems for a while I think it's just not worth it.

Yeah I hate the stigma to its cuased me a lot of problems throughout my life also being arty was really not excepted much at all by many people I was made fun of so much and bullied so much by kids at school both physically and verbally I was strangled, spat on,kicked, tripped, punched ect. In my town people can have very old fashioned veiws it's that men have thier roles and women have theirs kind of attitude that I hate I'm very much a feminist and I absolutely hate how women are treated here sometimes. But I think that men can get over looked a little to we struggle a lot with all the stigmas.

thank you

New and not sure what to do

startingnew — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 23:54:20 GMT

It took me forever to think of a name too! And finally come to this one.
Your name is fine, its unqiue. Do you like nature?
I can call you by your name as long as its not like a full first and last name to identify you.

It can be really hard to talk about your emotions. For me its really hard for me to identify mine as ive always got more than one swirling around and it seems they mix into one big jumble so im still learning to do this as well.

Ahh yes, my mother while not the same as yours has the same views about dealing with things and not needing medications and therapy to help you through things. Maybe its the times they grew up and the way their parents raised them to be. I also find people have a hard time with mental health as its not 'visible' whereas a broken arm or leg you can clearly see that theres an issue where as a lot of mental health problems can be hidden from others and bottled up inside us.

It really is terrible to have these sorts of people in our lives, I think if they just got some help then they could improve and become less violent. Ive witnessed domestic violence quite a bit both physically and mentally. I was like you with having panic attacks everytime my mum went out because her partner use to sexually abuse me. So I get the fears of being left alone with these people.

What are you studying? Ive been studying as well and have started a new course 3 weeks ago now. I find its tricky to juggle work and study and so many responsibilities esp with anxiety and depression. They dont like to make things easy for us do they?

Wow you have many talents and skills, one caught my eye though and thats art. What sort of art do you do?

I think your decision to not work for that nasty boss is a good idea. I think youll feel more free as less responibiliites and less crappy treatment as well. Good on you for coming to that decsion.

Kids (and adults) can be so mean, esp when it comes to bullies. I dont get angry very often, actually its rare but one thing that really ticks me off is bullying. I find no reason for it and people should be finding constructive things to be doing rather than picking on other kids for stupid things. Ive been bullied so much as well due to weight and im really not the prettiest person and that makes me a target.

Good luck with your appointment today. We will be here for you when you are ready

New and not sure what to do

Pysis — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 06:44:10 GMT

Hi starting new

yeah I like nature a lot it's where I feel safest I just relax when I'm in the bush and around animals and always have it used to get me picked on a lot though becuase apparently it's not normal but I ignore that now. I've been struggling a bit with not being able to go to what I call my place down at the creek becuase of my hip but I'm hoping I'll be right to go back down there in a couple weeks.

yeah ive mental health is kind of a tabo subject, people are scared of it here anyway. If I was to hurt myself and people can see it everybody would be asking me if I'm ok and checking on me but becuase it's something that only I can really feel and understand no one seems to care much.

yeah my dads tried to change and he dose for maybe a couple weeks but then he just goes back to his old self, it's hard becuase I kind of want to leave home but I don't feel I can do that to my brothers they are a fair bit younger than me and can't stand up for them selfs. I'm not a violent person at all but a few times I've had to kind of punch my dad becuase that's the only way I could get him to leave me and my brothers alone. I've seen a fair bit of abuse as well unfortunately in my town it's pretty common a guy I used to work with was just sent to jail for trying to kill his wife wich really rattled me. I'm sorry to hear about your abuse I think that's the worst kind of abuse and it really makes me angry I hope you don't have to have anything to do with that man anymore. my dad used to squeeze my behind a lot and just touch me inappropriately a lot and It used to make me feel very violated so I can only imagine how it would be.

I'm studying an advanced university certificate in zoo keeping from home I started it half way through year 11 becuase I was accused of cheating and was told I was t allowed to do year 12. No they don't make things easy.

um I do all sorts of art like sculpture and painting but I mainly illustrate I only do animals though I find people to hard. Drawing helps me relax sometimes but I've found when I'm bad like I am now I can't concentrate enough.

yeah I hate bulling to I've seen some gorgeous little kids just completely change becuase of it I got it really bad in primary school becuase of my dad he's the bus driver and none of the kids liked him so they took it out on me. I'm sure your pretty in your own ways everybody is, I used to struggle with my weight as well I used to stress eat but I've lost most of it now.

New and not sure what to do

Pysis — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 06:46:22 GMT

Continued on

i went pretty well today I think it was a fair drive to get there so I'm pretty tierd but it wasn't to bad she seemed to understand and has given me some natural drops that I hope work and it keeps mum happy so we will see.

Thank you again for caring.