topic It's coming back in Long-term support over the journey

It's coming back

RunGirl — Thu, 14 Sep 2017 02:56:50 GMT

Hi....this is my first post. I've always fought the black dog. Recently I beat a plethora hurdles and bad situations.....near death experience, two months in hospital, 7 surgeries, prescription pill addiction, isolation living overseas, increasingly abusive relationship, PTSD. I RAN, I resettled in Aus, i got work, I found myself in love again...I was happy and energetic. But It's coming back. I read somewhere when you don't want to get out of bed, you know you're getting bad again. I have a beautiful new partner. I'm just so tired all the time. I've put on weight which he likes but I can't forget the words of disgust from my ex when I wasn't stick thin. I need some perspective and support guys

It's coming back

Croix — Thu, 14 Sep 2017 08:39:06 GMT

Dear RunGirl~

I'd like to make you feel helpful here - and confident of receiving help. After the whole raft of horrible experiences you have undergone I'm not at all surprised you ran. and I can see how you are worried when symptoms like wanting to stay in bed start up.

I guess with abusive relationships they leave a long shadow over later life. There are many here who are, or have been in that situation. So hearing that controlling criticizing voice is to be expected, and is hard to get rid of. In fact I'd imagine there are many things from that time that make even the best of current relationships difficult, seeing what is not really there, or being very sensituve to things.

With the current feelings, do you think there has been anything to set them off? I know that sometimes it can be just about impossible to point a finger at a clear cause. In my case it's sometimes a known trigger, and sometimes just life pressure.

I know you've said you have a beautiful partner. Can you talk about your past and current problems frankly? I've found over the years doing this has really helped, shifting a lot of the burden. (I've PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression). By resettling in Australia I'm guessing it would not be easy to talk to any family or old friends.

Do you mind if I ask if you are currently under any form of treatment? I've found both medical and personal support has to have been ongoing, at least for me. If not I'd strongly suggest seeing your GP in a long consultation and say what is happening.

Quite honestly with the things that have happened to you I'd be surprised if you were not like me and had times when the pendulum swung back and problems reemerged. Dealing with them takes support as I said plus practice (It's been a very long time for me and I have a range of lifestyle techniques plus other things to help me.)

One thing I've found is the structure, occupation and satisfactions of work have made a terrific difference, so I'm glad you were able to find employment - do you enjoy it?

I think you are going to find many here who have similar problems, have a browse around this Forum and see how people have coped.

I'd be really pleased if you talked more

Croix

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BballJ — Thu, 14 Sep 2017 12:54:53 GMT

Hi RunGirl,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. What a story you have to tell and well done for sharing it and getting it out there, it is never easy so well done for that. These forums are great and full of many great and wonderful people who suffer from a variety of mental health concerns.

You have been through so much, with so many traumatic experiences in your life. I just wanted to point out you are still standing and fighting and that is such a massive positive and I hope you are proud of that. There is a quote I have about depression which I heard and use a lot on here - it says, being depressed doesn't mean you're just sad when things are going wrong, being depressed is being sad when thing's are going right. I think this applies to what you have written as you have moved and re'settled and found a new partner and still feel that dark cloud or black dog as you put it hanging around.... They always rear their ugly heads when you do not want them too.

Croix has given you some amazing advice above and I just wanted to echo something that was mentioned, if you were currently receiving any treatment for your mental health concerns. We all deserve to be happy and enjoying life so getting all the help you can is only a benefit to yourself.

Please, post back as much as you like, we are always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

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geoff — Thu, 14 Sep 2017 18:15:24 GMT

hello RunGirl, please let me also welcome you to the forum, it's never easy to do this because you could feel as though you won't get the support you need and will only be criticised, that won't happen on this forum because all of us have been through our own type of MI and have subsequently suffered by it.
I'm so sorry that you have been through so much in your life, but appreciate what Croix and Jay have said back to you, this means they care for you, just as I do and want to help you through this.
We often have memories of past times that don't seem to go away and that's because we could never resolve them to the point that they are behind us, and you will make sure they never happen again, that's easier said than done, I know this and this means that you need to build up your strength and you can do this, but it has to be done slowly, if it's done too fast then you will miss important parts along the way.
You have a great partner now so that's your base, and when you feel yourself falling attach yourself to him, reassure the love between you both, and then you must take it to the second level and go back to your doctor and psych if you have been seeing one.
Your tiredness is generated by your PTSD, allow yourself to pull the blind down and block these thoughts, it is difficult but it can be down.
When I have memories from the past I can go with them and feel the pain, but not now, as soon as they begin I distract myself, I have to for my own sanity, I don't want to fall back down, I've had too many years down there and how much I hated them. Geoff.

It's coming back

RunGirl — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 16:07:59 GMT

To all the three who replied to me, thank you so much. It is so important to feel you are not alone. My ex husband is a narcissist and will not leave me alone...I am an empath and cannot leave him struggling. My current partner is so understanding but I know it it getting to him. I had septic shock and this makes me very weak even after a couple of years. My mortality percentage after 5 years is 74.2 percent and I have a lung and breast infection now. I juts want to live. I get daily messages up to 15 a day from my ex about how badly he is doing and how he thinks he has cancer although he has been screened and cleared. I can't cope with it and I don't have the emotional fortitude to cut him loose after ten years. I had an ultrasound today that cleared me of cancer. I love my new partner dearly, he was ny best friend for 16 years before I returned to Australia and now we are together. I want to be shot of this thing and I want the depression to go away. Thanks so much for the replies guys

It's coming back

RunGirl — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 16:14:03 GMT

I just want to thank the people who have replied here. I am currently looking for a good psychologist and have an appointment with one next week. Fingers crossed. Thank you guys.

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RunGirl — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 16:22:18 GMT

Croix, i don't really enjoy my work that much but I was so very ill for two years that I couldn't work at all. I had septic shock and it really knocks you for six. This gave my ex-husband the chance to completely control me. I had a terrible accident and was very ill and im-mobile.. At least I am financially independent.I am searching for suitable psychological treatment here in Aus after ten years in Prague

It's coming back

Croix — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 04:08:15 GMT

Dear Rungirl`

Thanks for the replies, you certainly have had a lot to recover from, and the news from the ultra-sound is very cheering.

You sound as if, with one exception, you have things mapped out and are heading towards a much better time. Seeking psychological help, being in control of your finances and life by working (even if not the optimum), and having a loving relationship are all pure gold.

The fly in the ointment is of course your ex, his current treatment of you and those thoughts that recur from the past. He is pressing your buttons even now and controlling you, and I strongly suspect your current state, depression, lack of motivation and so on can be directly laid at his door.

I know you say you don't have the heart to cut him adrift. Apart from the whole deal affecting your partner it is driving you down. So you really need to insulate yourself from this constant millstone before you get worse. As someone with PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression I'm well aware how fragile one's mental state can be.

What are you alternatives? Does he have other relations who you can contact to take over the calls? Can your own partner field them so you do not have to listen? What do you think?

Croix

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RunGirl — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 09:28:46 GMT

My partner has volunteered to take control of the contact with my ex but he is angry and protective and I worry it will get nasty

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Croix — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 13:21:25 GMT

Dear RunGirl~

Well I'd think that was a good beginning. I think any partner that loves you and did not want you to worry too much would make a very serious effort to rein in his temper. It's not really impossible to do. Get him to regard it as an exercise in trust. I'm sure he could be made to see that his even handling would be a support to you, the opposite would not.

As I mentioned I believe you do need urgently insulating from this massive ongoing trigger, and that solution is probably the most practical one that you could cope with without feeling excessively guilty.

Having a loving partner is something to be cherished.

Croix

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RunGirl — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 14:52:27 GMT

It is indeed. I just don't want to burden him and I can't help feeling for my ex....he was the only one there when I nearly died from septic shock and After that when I spent two months in hospital he came every day (almost) with special nutritious food and comfort items. It was after the release that things got really out of hand and abusive but if I am to be honest the day I had my accident I was taking time out to consider leaving him. Nobody in my family came when I was dying. I had a 20 percent chance of living. it was just him alone. I feel I owe him somehow.

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Croix — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 04:35:54 GMT

Dear RunGirl~

Yes, I can see how you are split two ways, and the fact he came to the hospital is indeed quite something, however you need to be well, you say yourself things are slipping. That's not fair to you, your partner or your future relationship.

Most of us have a sort of inbuilt feeling we are a never-ending resource that can keep on sacrificing and giving for ever. This applies in many walks of life as you would realize. I for example kept on with my occupation years after the time to seek help, and ended up in a very bad way as a result. Not only was I invalided out but my family bore the brunt of my incapacity and illness for a very long time.

I guess one of the hard things in life is to realize a balance is needed, looking after oneself vs looking after others. I can't say what's right, all I can say is what I would do, and my thoughts are of course influenced by mistakes I've made (and recognized) from my past.

I'd still get my partner to field the calls and see what happens.

There is something else of course, looking at your ex's behavior shows a person who does not have a balance either, relying excessively on someone to no good end. Frankly I think he is due for psychiatric treatment.

I'm sure it is difficult for you to read this as I'm suggesting a course of action that runs against your instincts and will make for a break between you and your ex. As I'm sure you know sometimes there is no easy answer and one has to balance priories on imperfect solutions. I would think, and I'm sure your partner would agree, that your long-term health has to come first, I'd hope you agree too.

Whether you agree or not I'd welcome it if you were to talk more

Croix

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RunGirl — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 07:23:27 GMT

Hi Croix,

My partner made the call last night and left a message for my ex not to contact me again at all unless it's an emergency. He held his temper but was a bit abrupt and of course this has spiked my anxiety... I guess I feel out of control of everything somehow but I just want to get on with my life and enjoy the new life I've been brave enough to make by leaving my ex (and the country we lived in!!).

RunGirl

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BballJ — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 12:17:00 GMT

Hi RunGirl,

I am glad to read you have an appointment this week and I do hope it goes well for you and it gives you some clarity.

You have been through so much and I can understand how you just want to live your life at this point, I think it is good your partner has taken over contact with your ex. I know you want to be there for him but he is apart of your past and you want to move forward with your life and limiting contact is sometimes what is needed in these instances. You sound very caring which is great but you need to make sure you are 100% healthy mentally and physically. Your happiness should come first.

My best,

Jay

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RunGirl — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 14:13:38 GMT

thank you so much Jay. every affirmation helps at the moment.

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White_Rose — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 15:13:20 GMT

Hello RG

I did not realise you had this thread running as well as the thread I have answered.

You have told us that your ex is a narcissist and will not leave you alone. You have described him as controlling and he is still controlling your life. When someone does nice things for us, such as visiting you in hospital, it's always hard to move away from that person. He has made you very unhappy and is still intervening in your life causing you more pain. People like this can be super charming and caring, making you think you are cared for. You know it's not true and his constant contact with you is still part of his method of control.

At this rate you will become so confused that your current relationship will crash. I understand that you feel you owe him something but it's all really a lie. These are the tactics of a person who will not let you go unless you take some action. Having your BF answer his calls may sound good but all it is doing is giving you a false sense of security and allowing him access to your BF. He now has the opportunity to speak about you to your BF and start poisoning his view of you. Put a stop to his interference by blocking his calls on your phone and email.

Saying he can contact you in an emergency is no good as everything will be an emergency. If he genuinely has an emergency situation there are other, more suitable options for him, including dialling 000. Every time he contacts you either directly or through your BF sets off your alarm system. It is the constant release of adrenaline that is making you tired and adding to your depression. Block his access to you and you will get better far more quickly. The guilt trip he has manufactured will calm down and you will get better.

You really do not owe him anything. By your own admission he has been abusive. Why do you think he has changed. My dear, please give him the flick and stop worrying. You owe him nothing.

Mary

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RunGirl — Mon, 18 Sep 2017 03:10:06 GMT

Hi Mary,

You are right...I tried before to tell him only in emergencies.....so one of the cats not coming home was an emergency, then when I said "they're not our cats anymore, they are yours" then suddenly he was 99% sure he had lymphoma (Dr Google) and we had several emergencies, then having to fly for work was an emergency because he's afraid to fly, then just a bad day was an emergency. Ive blocked him from messenger and email, so he would have to make an international call to my mobile to contact me and I'd get my partner to answer it

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Brad_wignall — Mon, 18 Sep 2017 03:15:37 GMT

Dear run girl...i feel for you and i hope you have a safe and happy rest of your life. unlike me, i am 15 and barely want to even wake up in life..i dont feel loved and i feel like everyone i know hates me..so you need to realise that you are loved by everyone you know so there is nothing to worry about

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Croix — Mon, 18 Sep 2017 08:17:03 GMT

Dear Rungirl~

I'm very glad you were able to take that step and block your ex. It really will be the exactly what you - and your new relationship needs. Cutting ties is always hard, and under these circumstances particularly so but necessary.

Actually it is probably going to be the best thing for you ex too.

Croix

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RunGirl — Mon, 18 Sep 2017 16:03:04 GMT

Sweetheart, when I was 15 I went through the same thing. But I'm 41 now and have fought the good fight. I have had so many good experiences and loving people in my life. I'm living with one of them now. Fight the good fight. It's worth it for the good times. They WILL happen. I was a mess at 15 - you should see my diaries - and here's me, still fighting, with a wealth of life experience and joyous moments behind me. See, I came on this forum because the bad feeling was coming back and I want to FIGHT IT OFF. Don't you dare give up and rob the world of a valuable soul