topic Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do. in Long-term support over the journey

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Ggrand — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 05:17:41 GMT

Hi I have another thread but unrelated to this.

37 years ago my husband and young son (2tears old). was living in our car for around 8 months.I was pregnant at the time. My parents disowned me when I eloped with my husband. My husbands parents were strange and we never told them we were living in the car.

I gave birth to my second son while we were living in the car. My hubby contacted his father and his Godmother who both talked us into putting our baby into foster care for a few months until we got organized, as we couldn't have a baby living in the car. After I got out of hospital my father in law told us to stay with him. Then a woman from child services came to see us and said it best to adopt our baby out.I didn't want to but I had to or we were back in the car living and would loose our baby and possibly our other young son . because father in law said it was the only way we could stay with them.

My adopted son found me and contacted me on Sunday I was to shocked to answer him back until today.contact has only been through facebook messenger. I told him i will ring him tonight around 8.30pm.

I have never told my 2 other sons about him. I don't know how to tell them.Will they hate me for doing this as I have hated myself and never forgiven myself over all these years.I have thought about him over the years especially on his birthdays. I am so very scared. Hubby died 4 years ago so I have to do this on my own.

Hubby and I decided we would never try to find him as we didn't want to upset his life..I am a complete mess as what to do..Please can someone help me.

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Guest_128 — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 09:49:53 GMT

Hello, Gg,

This is a blessing in disguise, your baby wants contact with you!

I see nothing negative with this at all.

Sure you may have to talk to your children,family down the track.

Just embrace it, he wants contact so he deserves it.

My story Iwas 17 when I had my son(that my parents said not to because they loved me)

his bio father was married and 38,when my son was old enough I told him the story and said if you ever want/need to meet him that's ok,he just turned 28 the offer still stands.

Dont be to hard you did the best you could at the time.

Dory

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

white knight — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 10:34:35 GMT

Hi Ggrand

I hope you heal and contribute to his healing journey by embracing him totally.

I wont say anymore. I think its beautiful.

Go on, ring him.

Tony WK

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Ggrand — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 12:16:34 GMT

I did ring ring him..He is a nice person and I can't stop crying..I never have forgiven myself for adopting him out..

He is so nice and understood the reason why. I even spoke to his wife and she is so nice as well..

He told me I have 4 more grandchildren to meet and get to know.

Tears of sadness, heartache and tears of happiness together.

He wants to meet up in the near future and get to know each other better

The hard part now is to tell my other 2 sons that they have a brother I am hoping they won't hate me. One is 41 and the other is 32. It's not going to be easy at all but I know I have to.

I'm hating myself atm

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

MsPurple — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 12:58:04 GMT

Hi Ggrand.

I am a daughter of a lovly mother who I love dearly. She showed me nothing but love and support and she gave up so much for me and my brother.

A few years ago my dad accidentally slipped that my mum had a son before me and my brother (I said how it must have been hard having her first, a son. I meant my brother but dad thought I meant mums first biological child.). I didn't tell her I knew for years. I didn't want to upset my mum. Well last week I told her I was good at keeping secrets. I said I knew one of her secrets and I didn't think she knew I knew. Well she kept guess then she said, was it when I was a teenager. Yes. Was it part of my teenage relationship. Yes. Was it that I had a son. I said yes. She asked me why I didn't tell her I knew. I said "Because I love you and I didn't want to upset you. I knew it would have been hard, but you did what you needed to do". Mum wasn't bought up in the greatest environment. She couldn't keep the child. She made the right decision at the time. She said the only reason why she didn't tell me was she didn't know how I would react. I completely understood. She did it what was best for her and what was best for the child at the time. She knew she couldn't raise a child in her environment. Her dad hid her to his sisters place when she was heavily pregnant so no one would know.

Now I wasn't hurt by not knowing because I understand she couldn't keep it in her current environment. I think mum just didn't know how to bring it up. I also think she had a lot going on when we were kids (she was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 8). It probably isn't in the forfront of her mind. I think your kids will be more understanding then you may think. I can't guarrentee it but I think they might. You also have been struggling with it as well. It is hard to bring up something that you struggle to deal with yourself.

I just wanted to tell you that story for a kid who has been through a similar situation as your kids. I was ok with it. I love my mum, she loves me and she did what was best for the kid and herself at the time. She didn't do it to hurt me. I think my mum was glad to get it off her chest. We talked about it a bit more too.

Hope some of this helps you

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Quercus — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 16:12:38 GMT

Hi Ggrand,

I don't have any advice to give but wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I don't want to go into why but what you wrote helped me.

Thank you.

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Neil_1 — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 22:40:05 GMT

Hi Karen,

I was so pleased to read you've contacted your son and even more so for the outcome of it. I'm hearing very strongly that you're upset about this, but I think only good can come out of this now.

The initial contact has been made and I think the future sounds like it could be very promising ... as your son said, you've got 4 more grandchildren, not only to meet, but to get to know.

From the other responses that you've received, everyone has suggested that your other two sons will be fine with this. You had your reasons for why things turned out the way they did, and it was purely due to the circumstances at the time.

I know it will be hard, but try to embrace this new event/opportunity and I really hope that things can kind of change a little bit for you - change for the better, cause I know how tough things have been for you for so long.

I can also understand the tears ... but tears of joy are a completely different kind of tears.

Kind regards,

Neil

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Ggrand — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 21:11:43 GMT

This is extremely hard to write but I need to.

Everyone on here says I should be happy and embrace all this that is going on. Why can't I feel that happiness. I feel a great sadness, guilt, embarrassment, shame over all this.

I should be happy I know but I can't find it, OK maybe embarrassed over my marriage kept me from saying the truth about it at first.

My husband was a controling manipulating person who didn't think twice about giving me a slap accross the head or a black eye, my 2 sons had a crappy life as well. Christmas was never Christmas at our house the boys where never taken out anywhere for enjoyment but at times had to stay in their bedrooms days on end. If i interfered with hubbies decision pow I copped it. I was a slave to his every wish. I sometimes wished bad on my hubby and it happened. I kept all this hidden from friends. hubby's work mates and friends thought he was a great bloke and never knew what went on at home and how he was.

I have been kidding myself and everyone else about my marriage being to ashamed to admit the truth I somehow hid it deep inside and i would and still do tell everyone I had a perfect marriage.it was just easier that way.but believe it or not I loved him so much.

I have since very early childhood been bashed and told what when and how to do things. I don't think I have ever felt happiness in my life at any time. What I have always felt was fear, sadness, being trapped and guilt.

That's what I'm feeling now..I still feel like I'm trapped as hubby told me never to tell our 2 sons about the adoption. He still has a hold over me.. A long phone call last night with my eldest son made me realize the truth about our lives.

How can i be happy when my adopted son asks about his biological dad and I have to tell him the truth because if I don't my boys will eventually.

I know deep in my heart that he was better off growing up away from his biological family where he never had to endure what we did. and would be better off not knowing about how pathetic I was and still am in having any courage at all.

I really wish so badly that I could dissolve that I never existed never had to endure what my son's and I went through and what we are about to go through.

I needed to put this right so you can understand how I am feeling atm.

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Neil_1 — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 23:22:11 GMT

Hi there Karen,

I can’t begin to understand how you must be feeling, or how you have felt for so long now. On top of this, for you now to be able to come out and write the truth behind what your marriage was. That must have been awfully difficult for you … but I really do hope, by you doing this, it has maybe even helped, just a tiny bit. Just to put it down in words and not have it hidden anymore. I hope that this has bought a small bit of relief for you?

On this site, I’ve come across so many instances of lovely people being abused and ill-treated and it always makes me feel so angry with the perpetrator, the one who was the controlling dominant abusive person, who did all these terrible things. And I think it’s because of the person being this way, that the ‘other person’ in the relationship, is just so scared, so frightened to say anything, because they know what will happen if they do.

You called yourself pathetic and of no courage. You are neither in my eyes. No-one in an abusive relationship should ever call themselves pathetic; the pathetic excuse of a person is the one who is performing the abuse. Outright bullies of the worst kind, but sorry, I won’t go on about him.

What I want to say is, you were the one being hit, you were the one living in fear and scared – I really can’t emphasis enough that in no way should you be feeling shame about this, nor embarrassment. I simply couldn’t imagine what it would be like to live a life like this and you had to endure it, along with your sons.

I do firmly believe that if (but hopefully, when) you tell your adopted son, that he’ll feel … well, he’ll feel pretty much the same as me.

Case in point, if I was the adopted son, and you told me, I would wrap you in the biggest hugs imaginable and be there with you for as long as I could possibly be. I’d want to be involved with you and do things for (and with) you now … things that you possibly missed out on for so many years.

I know it will be very hard for you and to forget the past is nigh on impossible, but forgetting a past like you’ve suffered, well, that’s an entirely different matter altogether. But we need to try to focus on the here and now. The past will always be there to plague you (I speak of my own here), but we just have to try to build things into our here and now, so it can help us move day by day to our future.

Stay with us here Karen,

Neil

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Guest_128 — Wed, 13 Sep 2017 02:11:44 GMT

This is absolutely huge for you,

You have a very large heart and soul.

This is YOUR TURN, there is nothing holding you back, move forward,

When you see,talk to your son,he doesn't need to know all the heavy stuff straight away,he might not want to know all the crap.

I can't work out,or may of missed it,have you told the others yet?

You have done nothing wrong!

Now you can make YOUR decisions just for you.

For what you said your life has been. You deserve some happiness and I recon it's coming.

Dory💐

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

white knight — Wed, 13 Sep 2017 12:08:05 GMT

Hi Ggrand

this dite is full of guilt and worry, low self esteem and sadness.

You know the facts, thst you cant turn back the clock. You also know that as a mother your first concern is your son and to work towards filling in the vacuum created over 37 years is your goal.

Youll have opportunities to explain. Focus on him.

It wasnt your fault.

Im so glad you rang him. He would have been over the moon.

Tony WK

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Ggrand — Wed, 13 Sep 2017 13:39:31 GMT

Hello White Knight.

I wish it was that easy.

I will run the clock forward and my life will be healed.

I'm sorry I shared my story.

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Quercus — Wed, 13 Sep 2017 14:33:49 GMT

Hi Ggrand,

I don't have anything helpful to say about what to tell your son, it is painful for everyone involved especially if your sons will talk about their father whether you wish it or not.

But I do wonder if you have ever sought medical help given the abuse in your marriage? You mention not being able to feel happy, feeling pathetic, feeling ashamed, wanting to dissolve... I'm familiar with those feelings. I think anyone who has been abused knows those feelings intimately. For me I needed help (meds and ongoing psychotherapy) to even begin to feel better.

I can't imagine trying to cope with a shock like this on top of the aftermath of abuse. Please stay and talk with us GGrand. There are so many people here like yourself who are trying to reconcile the memories of person they loved with the abuse they experienced.

No judgement here. Do whatever is best for you. Please take care.

Nat

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

white knight — Wed, 13 Sep 2017 15:35:04 GMT

Hi Ggrand

Im sorry that I've said something thats upset you. We try all sorts of means to comfort. Sometimes we get it wrong.

I hope you are ok. I cant imagine what you are feeling. Not at all.

Tony WK

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Neil_1 — Wed, 13 Sep 2017 22:14:53 GMT

Hi Karen,

Just stopping in to see how you're doing?

We're all still here with you and want to support you through this.

We're not going anywhere.

I hope you can find some small piece of positiveness out of the recent contact you've had with your adopted son?

For instance, after the conversation, did you feel some kind of relief after the phone call?

Neil

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

quirkywords — Thu, 14 Sep 2017 02:17:12 GMT

Ggrand

How are you? Everyone on this thread cares and hopes you are ok.

I can't begin to understand how you feel. I know you are brave and have coped with abuse and managed to look after your children.

My partner is adopted and found his family when he was in his 50s. His mother had died many years before but he was thrilled to find he had two brothers. He does not know really know much about why he was adopted except his mum was married at the time and that my partner was the result of an affair.

I feel you are judging yourself so much more than your sons who love you very much. It means a lot to an adopted person to find out they have brothers or sisters.

I hope you get to meet your son.

Thanks for sharing your story which I realise was very difficult and painful to do.

Quirky

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Ggrand — Thu, 14 Sep 2017 11:03:02 GMT

Hello

Thank you all for your concern.

I'm struggling to write anything atm..I have a 276 kilometre drive to try and manage tomorrow, plus speak to my sons. that with Flashbacks and my mind not being able to shut up. I'm really not in a good spot. I have read and reread all your replies and have really thought about what you said.

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Guest_128 — Thu, 14 Sep 2017 11:11:05 GMT

You poor thing,please try and get some sleep,that's the best medicine you can have.

I have a really good feeling about this,

please take care.

Just be YOU

Dory😘

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

white knight — Thu, 14 Sep 2017 11:35:25 GMT

Dear Ggrand

Youre doing ok. Everything is fine

Tony WK

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Ggrand — Thu, 14 Sep 2017 19:12:38 GMT

Oh my goodness.

I thought my anxiety couldn't get any worse.I was so wrong. 4.30am I've been awake all night.

Feeling so clammy, heart's running so fast, I'm not sure if i can do this.

If I had more guts and wasn't such a pathetically weak minded person 37 years ago, this wouldn't be happening now.

I feel at the moment a complete failure at being a mum and at life.

Anxiety is so intense atm I want to dissapear. I feel trapped.

My hubby used to tell me all the time how useless I am. A gutless wonder you don't know how to be a mum. You shouldn't have had children.

My mind is so full atm wish it would shut up for once.