topic Help in Long-term support over the journey

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Fiasco — Sun, 07 May 2017 10:04:50 GMT

I think I'm going crazy. Can someone please help me?

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White_Rose — Sun, 07 May 2017 10:30:00 GMT

Hello Fiasco

Please tell me what you are doing and thinking. I cannot help unless I know more about you. I have written on your other thread and I hope you have read it.

Starting lots of threads is not a good idea. We need to know what you have already said and what replies you have had. If you write in several places we cannot properly understand what is happening.

Please, tell us what is happening or phone the BB helpline on 1300 22 4636, or the suicide call back line on 1300 659 467. These people can help you.

Mary

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Fiasco — Sun, 07 May 2017 10:48:22 GMT

I need help. But I can't ask for what I need because I don't know. No one can help me. I have to help myself. It's so lonely in my head. Everyone has their own burdens. I can't tell my husband. He gets so upset and I feel so guilty because he thinks I don't love him or the kids and I'm being so selfish. I am. I just don't want to do this anymore. I want to give up.

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MsPurple — Sun, 07 May 2017 10:50:13 GMT

HI Fiasco. White Rose is right we need a little more information on how we can help you. Also they gave you the number to call if you need someone to talk instantly

On the forums it can take some time to get a response. Us community champions try be diligent and reply to all posts within 24 hours however occasionally we miss one and it takes more than 24 hours to reply. We are a great support system here on the forums but if you need someone to reply instantly maybe try the beyond blue chat online which can be found on the bottom right of the page (note only available 3pm-12am)

Hope this helps. Let us know if you want to discuss something in particular

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Fiasco — Sun, 07 May 2017 11:00:50 GMT

Thank you. I feel like there's so many issues I don't know where to begin. My mother has mental health issues and has never had a job or been able to drive because of them. She and my father have a volitile and toxic relationship, and my father used to bash her and me. He left many times, the first i remember being on my 7th birthday. I thought it was my fault. I was sent to boarding school when I was 11 and I hated it. I began self harming and having eating issues. At 17 I moved away by myself to do university, and got myself raped when I was 18. After that I had 16 years of relative stability with my now husband, even through miscarriages, ivf and still birth. My brother contracted HIV, my grandparents who I was very close to died, and then after I lost my son last year I completely broke down. I'm done. I want out. I can't do any more. I'm nlt strong enough

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White_Rose — Sun, 07 May 2017 11:11:54 GMT

I think this is one time you need to talk to your husband. Perhaps a cuddle and tell him you feel lonely. Talk about how nice it is to be with him now the children are in bed. Just the two of you perhaps talking or perhaps watching TV together.

Please don't shut him out. He is the one who can comfort you the most. Tell him you know it worries him when you feel unwell and how you don't want to upset him. Tell him how much easier it is when he just holds you, no words needed. Let down your guard a little. When two people love each other they want to help and support the other. Give him the opportunity to support you. He may worry but he will also know you want his help.

Mary

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Fiasco — Sun, 07 May 2017 11:33:48 GMT

I'm always the one who needs help - I'm a huge burden to my husband. He has a stressful job, two young kids and then on top of that instead of having an equal partner to help make his life easier, he has me. I've made his life so much worse. What he's been through because of me is ridiculous. He needs me to be strong because it's not fair for him to always have to look after me. So I'm pretending to be ok. And I will be or I won't. If I am, then I'll be glad I didn't worry him. If I'm not, then I won't be a burden anymore.

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White_Rose — Sun, 07 May 2017 21:01:29 GMT

I am so sorry you feel this way. I do understand about not being a burden. Been there myself.

Well if you feel you cannot ask your husband for help, then perhaps you could try the two helplines I suggested. You will not be burdening them in any way and they may well be the outlet you need. I have never met anyone who has gone through depression without help. These folk are on the spot whenever you need help and could save you so much pain.

In the meantime, write in here as often as you need. Just venting can help. It's not always possible for someone to to reply immediately and when you feel so very down you need someone to talk to. I will keep dropping by to chat.

Mary

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Fiasco — Sun, 07 May 2017 23:08:31 GMT

I made it through the night. Have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow.

still suffering. Have my 4 year old with me. Which is good, because if I was alone I don't know how I'd go.

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Fiasco — Mon, 08 May 2017 02:56:40 GMT

I did chat to the beyond blue helpline last night.

but I've decided that talking to people makes me feel worse. I'm now trying to distract myself and make it through the day.

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ci — Mon, 08 May 2017 03:32:05 GMT

Fiasco I have no words to help but I wanted to say I read your posts and they felt like I wrote them I am a mum and wife feeling like you and tiered of feeling this way.

You are not alone. And you are strong for reaching out for help! Please be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes. Talking can make it harder to start but slowly will start to make it better.

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Fiasco — Mon, 08 May 2017 04:01:41 GMT

Thank you.

It helps knowing I'm not the only one.

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White_Rose — Mon, 08 May 2017 07:01:02 GMT

Fiasco, I was thinking about you this morning after an appointment with my doctor. I won't go into all the details but I was told I needed to manage the way I think, not keep asking for help. It was actually quite a shock as I did not think I did this. Thought I was managing quite well and only needed others on some occasions. I live and learn.

Despite that I still believe talking can help however hard it can be to start. When we say the words out loud it makes them more real but also helps to trim away the bits that are not relevant. When someone responds it can open up a whole new thought process. If we all had the answers to everything there would be no problems. So talking to someone who understands you and what is happening can be a new light.

I hope all goes well with your psychologist tomorrow.

Mary

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Fiasco — Mon, 08 May 2017 07:09:46 GMT

Thank you.

i have found this too. When I finally asked for help just over a year ago, I found that everyone seems to advocate 'it ain't weak to speak' etc, but the message from psychiatrists, nurses etc that I got is that you are the only one that can help yourself. So then I wondered what the point of exposing my vulnerabilities is, and it's so hard for me to do, when no one can help me anyway. It all seems very contradictory to me. Sure, ask for help, but once you admit you need it we'll put you down for asking for it because you should be able to manage your own thoughts....

sorry! I have a lot of anger about what I've experienced in hospital.

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Fiasco — Mon, 08 May 2017 22:37:12 GMT

Last night I finally admitted to my husband how I've been feeling. I played it down a lot, but I actually feel a lot better. Just knowing that he knows I've been a bit low somehow really helps. And although I can see he's really worried and he is watching me very carefully now (thank goodness I didn't tell him all that's been on mind), he has also been helping out with the kids and being very supportive rather than just suspicious and untrusting. Which is so good.

feeling a bit more positive this morning.

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White_Rose — Tue, 09 May 2017 03:57:18 GMT

Congratulations on the talk. When we admit to our feelings to someone who cares, it can be very therapeutic. I am so pleased you finally found the courage and even more pleased your husband was receptive.

You said, I found that everyone seems to advocate 'it ain't weak to speak' etc, but the message from psychiatrists, nurses etc that I got is that you are the only one that can help yourself. In many ways both statements are right. it ain't weak to speak but we need to pick our audience, those who will be supportive of us. you are the only one that can help yourself. That is only the first step in the process. Until you ask and are prepared to work on your recovery there is not a lot others can do. In reality those representatives of the health profession were over-simplifying matters. They need to be partners in your recovery journey, show you the way, listen to your story, tell you when you slip off the path, work with you to discover the best way back to health for you. Without your determination and co-operation it will not work. And rarely will it work when you try to do it on your own.

You said you played it down a little when talking to your husband. Now that's sad. You will need to tell him the whole story at some time and now you have started letting it all out I think giving him the whole story soon would be more helpful than to continue pretending. Can you look at the thread in Suicidal thoughts and self harm/To tell or not to tell/Stressless. Towards the end there are two posts by Quercus addressing much the same situation as yours. I am quite frankly in awe of her courage and I hope she doesn't mind me suggesting you look at her posts. She also has her own post in Long term support over the journey/Feeling well enough to find my voice again/Quercus.

I think it will be worth your time to read Quercus thread and then the two posts in Stressless' thread. This is one brave lady. You are also a brave lady because you have decided to get your life back. It's often the start that is so hard and you have got over that hurdle.

OK enough of the lecture for today. 😊 I hope this has helped.

Mary

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Fiasco — Tue, 09 May 2017 04:26:37 GMT

Thank you Ci.

i hope today was a better day for you?

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Fiasco — Tue, 09 May 2017 04:40:50 GMT

Thank you Mary for the referral - her words were very moving.

I don't think I could ever tell someone how I really feel, because I'm so rarely honest with myself. I try to fake it til I make it - pretend to be ok until I am. I feel like I'm not brace enough to face my own thoughts let alone share them, and I feel like such a bad person for even thinking them, so what would others think. Who I present to the world and who I am are very different.

My husband is barely coping as it is, I can't keep doing this to him. I need to be strong for him.

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White_Rose — Tue, 09 May 2017 05:09:25 GMT

Thank you for telling me and being honest about it. You will move on when you are ready. If you have read all of Quercus thread you will know she has struggled with similar problems as you.

I find the being honest with myself one of the most difficult things to do. What makes it harder is that I really believe I am being honest until something happens or someone makes a comment to me. Then I crash and need to start all over again. It's harder than it looks.

Mary

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ci — Tue, 09 May 2017 11:13:38 GMT

Thank-you fiasco

Today has been much better. Must have been something in the air last night I to spent my night talking with my husband. It helped a lot to get things out but as you said I to held back I couldn't put everything out in the open.

I hope your day has been ok I want to reply to you properly but I'm sorry I'm unable to today so I'll finish this reply tomorrow.

Just know your not alone and things will get better