topic I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse) in Long-term support over the journey

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Ghost_76 — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 10:15:08 GMT

I'm new to this. Just needed to talk to someone... anyone... need to know I'm not crazy

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Birdy77 — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 10:19:22 GMT

Hi Ghost,

Talk away!

This is a safe and non judgemental space and you're welcome to talk as much as you like.

We will listen and support you.

Good on you for reaching out 🌻 birdy

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Bethie — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 12:20:51 GMT

Hi Ghost and welcome

Nah your not crazy... well at least by my standards your not.

We share what we've been/going through here and because it's all anonymous it is a safe non judgmental site.

Please ask anything...its ok. On the other end of the words you type are real people who even if they haven' been through similar experiences all share a common theme we are all doing our best in life just to be us..

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Ghost_76 — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 21:07:05 GMT

Thanks Birdy and Bethie.

I'm having that way too familiar feeling again. Feeling like I'm in the deep dark ocean... slowly, but surely sinking. So hard too keep on kicking. Like I'm moving in slow motion. All my old demons dragging me down to that really dark place. Not sure why I can't just shake them...

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Peppermintbach — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 21:21:51 GMT

Hi Ghost,

I would like to visit to say hi to you too if that’s okay.

Your latest post was very poignant and sad. It sounds like you’re being haunted, so to speak, by your past/old inner demons. I wonder if that’s partly why you chose the username “Ghost 76”... sorry, that’s just an aside and you don’t have to explain to me...

Anyway, your latest post really moved me. Even though I don’t really know you, I feel as though I can empathise with your pain. I feel your pain runs deep...

Caring thoughts,

Pepper

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Bethie — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 21:27:35 GMT

Hi Ghost

BY the sound of it alot of small things have pilled up. If you can try writing down without thinking fast what's getting under your skin. I know for me 2 days ago it was I hadn't taped around the ac in my bedroom properly and had a mozzie coming in every night. OH btw the taped was sitting on top of the aircon waiting and took me about 5 seconds.

I hope this makes a bit of sence. My partner allways tell me I talk people in circles.

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

geoff — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 21:30:04 GMT

hi Ghost, MI will do exactly what you have told us, sorry welcome to the site and thanks for posting your comment.
It's concerning that you may have trigger points which could be the start of your demons and that's what we have to either teach you or advise you to do to get the help needed to bring you back to being in a comfortable situation.
It's not pleasant having to live where you are currently situated, so please are you able to tell us a bit more, and don't worry this site is friendly, you won't be criticised, because all of us have been in a similar position that has lasted for over many years. Geoff.

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Birdy77 — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 21:42:06 GMT

Hello again Ghost😊

Lovely to hear back from you, but I'm so sorry you're finding things so hard at the moment. It sounds like you're in a really difficult place 😔.

You used the metaphor of the ocean, and how hard it feels to keep on kicking. One of the community champions on this forum, Doolhoff suggests that when we feel like this, when we don't feel we have the strength to swim right now, it's ok to just float for a while.

I know you said you feel like you're sinking, but maybe if you tried revisualisung it as floating it might help a little.

Bethie has a good idea above (and it made sense Bethie, you didn't talk in a circle😊).

Ghost, do you have a counsellor or therapist that you have talked to in the past? You said it's a familiar feeling. It might be helpful to set up some talking support such as a psychologist through your GP to help you through this time.

Reaching out here is a really good first step, to know you're not alone ... maybe reading some other threads may help, everyone here is very compassionate and understanding and we all are working with our own demons and stuggles, so we get it.

You can use this thread to air more of your feelings if you would like to (no pressure though, only if it helps you). You can write whatever you like, it's a safe place. If you'd like to say more of what you're feeling, we are here to listen and support you.

You are not alone.

Very caring thoughts to you Ghost.

🌻 birdy

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Ghost_76 — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 22:31:10 GMT

Thanks Again to all of you.

I was diagnosed with PSD and major depression a fair while back. Went through a really bad time. I worked through it. I thought it was all done and dusted. I really put my family through hell... I should be on top of this, but I'm not... so stupid!!!! My head is a mess. Went to my GP - he gave me a mild depression medication and a sleeping pill. I'm angry at myself, because I should be on top of this! I thought it was all good! But it's not... it's always there... hiding in the back of my mind... I

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Birdy77 — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 23:08:54 GMT

Ghost, you're not stupid, and it's not a case of you 'should' be on top of this. You are being very hard on yourself (and i do understand that very well, as do others here).

Also, as Geoff mentioned, that is the nature of depression and ptsd, it's not something that can always be done and dusted.

It's good you've seen your GP. Do you think it might help to organise some talking therapy, to help sort out what's going on in your head?

I want to say that i hope you can be more gentle with yourself.

If i or anybody here posted to you that my head was a mess and i should be on top of this and I'm stupid, i think you would be sympathetic and understanding and compassionate ... please give some of that compassion and gentleness to yourself?

Feel free to write more here if it helps and remember you're not alone in the way that you are feeling.

Go gently Ghost.

🌻 birdy

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Frantic1 — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 00:02:19 GMT

Hi Ghost,

nope definitely not crazy. We are all in this together.

Frantic1

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Bethie — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 02:15:25 GMT

Hi Ghost

My partner suffers PTSD anxiety and depression from his time in the military.

Dispite it being over 20 years since what happened it started up again only 6 months ago. He's now on new meds and doing alot better.

My own PTSD is for me very common in my area as it stems from the 2011 floods in Brisbane. Most of my street has it to some degree which helps. We all support and look after each other when we get flash flooding or heavy rain.

Please keep posting. Your not alone in any of this😊

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Ghost_76 — Sat, 16 Dec 2017 06:51:58 GMT

Thanks Everyone... You're all very kind.

This is really weird for me sharing these feelings with all of you. I usually put on my "happy" mask and pretend that everything is going well. It's a bit harder at the moment...

Can I ask you a question? What do you do when it feels like everything is just too much... when you feel like you're on the outside looking in on your family... I know they love me, but I feel that they deserve so much better. Birdy... you said that I should float for a while... I'm not sure how to do that.

My mind is such a mess. I feel like an animal trapped in a cage. I spoke to a friend yesterday, but I don't know what exactly to tell them. How do i explain my inner demons...

You are all pretty amazing. Thanks for listening...

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Bethie — Sat, 16 Dec 2017 07:56:07 GMT

Hi Ghost

When I feel like everything gets way to much for me I normally find myself at the local swimming pool dispite having a pool at home. They have different areas. 1 with big old gumtrees and a bushlike feel, another that's Bali style with huts fountains and windchimes and well there' 5 all up from kids areas to family bbq areas.

Its my down time. I can close my eyes and just drift

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Ghost_76 — Sat, 16 Dec 2017 09:27:58 GMT

Thanks Bethie...

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Birdy77 — Sat, 16 Dec 2017 10:36:41 GMT

Hey Ghost,

When i feel like everything gets too much, i withdraw, but that's not the best thing to do. I try to do healthy things like:

Get into a healthy routine
Do tai chi, meditation
Exercise
Practice mindfulness

But to be honest, usually when things get rough lately i have just brought everything down to the minimum of what needs doing, and no more.

You asked how to float, rather than sink or keep kicking/swimming. I think it's probably different for everyone, but the way i think about it is:

Can you try to relax
Can you accept that you're going through a period of angst, and go with that
Can you accept that you are flawed and have compassion for yourself
Can you give yourself the time and space to try and get through this without beating yourself up endlessly about it
Can you gift yourself someone professional to talk to to try to ease this burden

To me, these are things that will help you to float through, rather than fight through, a rough patch.

Another member here just yesterday mentioned that depression and anxiety (etc) are so often things that can't be outrun, but more that we have to learn to deal with the ebb and flow of them ... pertinent to what you said about "i should be on top of this". It's not a case of that, you just need to go with it, as it comes and goes i think.

Sorry, i think this post wont be very helpful, i feel a bit all over the place, but I'm going to send it anyway, i really want you to know you're not alone and let's work through this together, all of us ❤❤❤ sorry for the ramble ...

🌻 birdy

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Ghost_76 — Sat, 16 Dec 2017 12:22:42 GMT

Not a ramble at all. Thank you so much... I really struggle to be positive at this stage... You're so fantastic... I wish I had it so together. Thanks

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Mathy — Sat, 16 Dec 2017 15:39:29 GMT

Hi Ghost 76,

I have come late to your thread. I live with PTSD, Anxiety and Depressions.

A couple of posts back, you said something like “I thought it was done and dusted, sorted out” (not word for word).

I really understand your feelings about this, because I thought I was in charge, and recently, I haven’t been sadly disabused of any idea I was in charge of anything - sigh!

I don’t think I’m talking rubbish when I say that popular media implies that one can be depressed/anxious or whatever, and a few visits to a professional and some medication will have it all fixed.

I believe this is a fallacy,, not based on reality.

Birdy77 has some great suggestions for a plan - very worth looking at and choosing WHAT works for you.

I actually had a conversation tonight with the partner of a friend, who happens to be a very experienced psychologist - his thoughts?

There’s no one size that fits all. Sadly our system doesn’t allow people to experiment with the many forms of therapy that might help.

I also had a fascinating conversation with e Yoga teacher, who’s being doing a lot of work with people in the area of bodywork and mindfulness - something that I find interesting.

Dear Ghost 76, you made a great decision in joining the BB Forums - there’s a wealth of information and support available here. That support can give you new ideas on feeling more positive. I certainly hope that we hear more from you, bestest, cheers M 🙂

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

geoff — Sat, 16 Dec 2017 16:56:33 GMT

hi Ghost, unfortunately PSD and major depression can never be dusted, once you have had it then it's there forever, however this doesn't mean that somebody can get on with their life and this includes you as well, but we have to learn what our trigger points are that can cause us to once again fall back into this illness.
Please take a step back for the moment, don't be angry with yourself, because if you are then you are struggling with too much on your plate, try the exercises that have been suggested, or you may find yourself relaxing in other ways, I used to love painting our outside window frames to relax me, or take my mind away from being depressed.
Remember that you can't all of a sudden be happy, however if people come to visit you, have lunch, a few drinks then you can laugh, but as soon as they go, back you may fall.
Just try and explain to your friend that you've been going through a patch that has affected me as well as your family, you're not sure how they will react, they may decide to listen and then go away, not to be seen again, but a true friend will stick by you all the way through, in other words they will be there everytime you need them.
They can talk to your family, suggest to them to seek help as well, which is not what my family did, and I also put them through hell, but now everything is great, just take your time, you can't rush through any depression, it's like being able to walk up steps, you gain 2 steps but then you may fall down 1 step, but that's a lesson that you have learned. Geoff.

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Jasmiin — Sat, 16 Dec 2017 17:13:19 GMT

I'm new to this too. What's wrong? I'm here for you