topic Is it a mental illness or just depression? in Long-term support over the journey

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

The_Abyss — Wed, 29 Mar 2017 13:52:14 GMT

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

james1 — Wed, 29 Mar 2017 22:55:50 GMT

Hey The Abyss,

Welcome to the forums. I'm really glad you've come here and sought help from us as well as a psychologist, because any kind of mental health difficulty is really hard to do alone and there are many supportive people here.

I have also done a bit of Schema Therapy as well as DBT and now Transferance Focussed Therapy for my BPD symptoms. I don't know if you have a BPD diagnosis or not, but if your psychologist is looking at Schema Therapy, then I'd say they probably see symptoms of it. That's not a bad thing - personality disorders are simply reflections of what happened to us as children. They are reflective of not a bad person, but a person struggling with hard to break mental habits.

It's very normal to have all these questions and concerns about your visit. It's really scary to go and start tackling issues from decades ago. But I am a bit worried that your psychologist is putting such long waits in between. The longest I've ever had to wait was 3 weeks over a holiday. Otherwise I used to see mine weekly..

All these bad thoughts and feelings you've described show how much you need support right now. Can you give them a call and see if they can schedule an appointment before, or ask what alternatives they have because you don't feel like you can wait for five weeks?

There is a long journey ahead for you - I've been in therapy for a year now and I'm only at the beginning - but I hope you feel safe coming back here to share how you are going. If you ever feel you can't keep yourself safe, please call emergency. Otherwise, Lifeline 13 11 14 and BeyondBlue 1300 22 4636 offer support lines as well. I've been in hospital and it really isn't a big deal. Your well being is what matters and you have a real community of fellow suffers here on the forums.

James

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

White_Rose — Thu, 30 Mar 2017 00:44:13 GMT

Dear TA

Hello and welcome back to Beyond Blue. It's tremendous you felt OK to come back and talk to us. Thank you for your trust.

Unless there is another GP you can access locally I think you will have to put your trust in this GP. One reason is he must be absolutely discreet about all his patients. It is also not in the best interests of his patients to gossip.

You say, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms, and this may well be a significant contributor to your depression. It is amazing what this can do to our physical and mental well-being. So if I may suggest, go and see your GP and get this bit sorted. Once under control you will feel heaps better. I thought I was lucky not to have these symptoms and sailed through these changes, so to speak. But then I had breast cancer and after surgery etc I was given a medication to stop the cancer reappearing. Great idea if it hadn't given me those symptoms I was so smug about missing out on. I was so ticked off. And I assure you that you are not the first or only woman to have suicidal thoughts because of menopause.

If your psychologist is keeping you waiting for long periods between appointments because he has a large practice. If you are on a mental health plan (MHP) the psychologist is stringing out the appointments in order to give you a longer time in therapy. The more I see about MHP the less impressed I am. This is no excuse to make you wait when you are having thoughts of suicide. It sounds very much like incompetence and a dangerous practice.

You have started to look for help and that is fantastic. I can totally relate to your feelings of dependence and in many ways these long waits for appointments add to that dependence. I once saw a psychiatrist who fell asleep while I talked to him. Yet I continued to go because I felt the same sort of dependence as you. Ridiculous! Is there another psychologist or psychiatrist you can see? I do understand about living in a small town and gossip, but you are seeing a psychologist anyway, why not make your sessions with someone who is more capable and empathetic.

I see a wonderful psychiatrist as a result of my attempted suicide a while ago. Best thing I did. Try to get a referral to a psychiatrist. You may also find it cheaper as Medicare does pay a large chunk of the bill. And of course there is the Medicare safety net. Talk to your GP about all these options. Talk more next time.

Mary

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

NurseK — Thu, 30 Mar 2017 02:56:40 GMT

Dear Abyss

As a mental health professional and someone with two mental illnesses (Anxiety & Depression) finding the right psychologist can take a while, it is okay to change your mind and find the right psychologist that suits you. You also have the right to tell your psychologist if you are not ready to open up about trauma's. Bringing up a tough history can open new wounds and if you don't have the skills to deal with the destress it can set you back. Maybe try talking to your psychologist about gaining skills to deal with your current suicidal and homicidal thoughts and putting together a safety plan. Your safety is the most important thing when you are in crisis. I have lived in both rural areas and Sydney. It can be really frustrating when you open up old wounds and then have to wait weeks before you see your psychologist. If possible try linking in with your community mental health team- they typically have a crisis team you can have access to around the clock. I understand being worried about the stigma attached to mental health, especially if you work in the health sector. I myself work in mental health and had great trepidation when I required a hospital admission on the campus I work at, remember that your care is confidential.

Please don't give up hope. I am sorry that the way your psychologist talks about your inner voices/thoughts puts you down, I have also experienced a similar situation where a psychologist started talking to me as if I were a child just because I had shutdown and put up my walls. This was very upsetting and she asked me why I had become flat and withdrawn it took a lot of courage to tell her it was the way she was treating me, I wanted to let her know her approach wasn't therapeutic and I wanted to make sure other patients didn't have to feel the same.

You sound like a strong person and you are trying your best to access treatment and get the help you need. As James1 said if things get too much contact lifeline & beyond blue.

Good Luck!

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

The_Abyss — Thu, 30 Mar 2017 12:49:05 GMT

Thank you James, Mary, and NurseK.

I travel to a different town to see the psychologist - I have worked, played, or socialised with the ones in town and so aren't comfortable seeing them professionally, or having people who know me see me coming out of their rooms. I see a physio in the same other town which gives me an excuse for being there. I am terrified about being "discovered" as I have spent my entire life appearing to be strong when inside I was shattering apart. Admitting I have depression or a mental illness is too much at the moment, it's admitting a weakness I am not ready to face in myself. (please don't take that I think mental illness is a weakness - I feel that MY lack of ability to cope with everything at the moment is MY weakness. I should be able to deal with all this crap and just can't right now, and because of my personal hangups, I see this as a weakness in my character).

You're right, I should be able to request more frequent visits. When he gave me the three week gap after opening Pandora's box, I wasn't sure if it was done for a reason or just an oversight, and didn't have the mental presence to ask. The 5 week break is because he is away, and I have debated today whether I should try and see someone else there just to get some relief. I would like to tell him what his methods are doing to me, would like to request that he challenge my current beliefs rather than taking me back to the past, would like him to ask me each week what MY priority is that week. I can have these conversations in my head, but can't challenge the instigator. He speaks of my "healthy adult" (something I have since discovered appears to come from the Schema therapy) - what would my healthy adult do or say. Well they can do or say anything when it's not important, but they retreat pretty fast when I need them to stand up for me!

I have resisted ringing Lifeline. My mother is a main perpetrator in my hang-ups and was a counsellor at Lifeline for many years. It was only the other day I remembers seeing Beyond Blue advertised and so thought I would see if there was help available here. I have already found reading other people's posts have helped me from feeling as sorry for myself - there are people so much worse off than myself. The helpful posts from others have also helped remind me of some of the previous strategies that have worked to keep me from the Abyss - it's so easy to get tunnel vision when depressed and alone.

Thank you again.

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

geoff — Thu, 30 Mar 2017 17:16:50 GMT

hi TA, well depression is a MI, and likewise MI can be having depression, the main contributor to all sorts of different types of depression.
Psychologist all work in different ways, some first concentrate on the present while others dive into your childhood, that you won't know until you start speaking to them, either way may not suit you, but then talking with a psych could make you feel very uneasy.
If they are worried about your state of mind then leaving a week or two between appointments is really not satisfactory, especially if you don't feel comfortable talking to someone else, because when they open past memories, it's like 'opening a can of worms', and then don't want to see until 3 or 4 weeks time is not what should happen, because it leaves you with all this time to think which will then make you more unsettled and bringing back thoughts which you don't want or know how to handle them.
You can't fight denial because when you do, you build a barrier that keeps getting higher, making it much harder for accepting help and realising that that's what you need.
There is nothing to be ashamed of if you do have MI, you didn't ask for it nor did you ever want it, we never know if or when we are to be stricken down, but when you don't talk to your husband, then who can you talk to, and if you say nobody then you need to make the appointments more frequent.
You're not on your own here because all of us have struggled through some type of depression ourselves, and the mistake I made was that I stayed in denial for too long. Geoff. x

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

The_Abyss — Thu, 30 Mar 2017 19:11:56 GMT

Thanks Geoff,

You are right, I do need to talk with someone, and more regularly. When the first two appointments were set at 2 weeks, it was hard but manageable. When things were circling the drain, I had the appointment to anchor me. The three week gap was too long though, especially as it came after the Pandora box incident. To make it worse, I got home to a major triggering event, which was enough to spiral me right out of control. Those three weeks were the hardest I'd had for quite a while, but once again had the appointment to (just) hang on to. I had hoped to put to bed some of the previous issues during the appointment, and to discuss the triggering incident, but instead it moved into different directions. With him not being available now for 5 weeks, I'm lost. I would like to make another appointment (which I struggle with as I have always been a "rule follower"), to discuss how I am feeling, what I need, how lost I am, but now it's all up in the air. I think ultimately he will be good for me in the long run, but at the moment it's just not working and I can't address it until he gets back.

I saw a different psychologist in the same practice a few years ago as a result of PTSD compounded by huge work issues. I spent 9 months there (through an assisted employee program), and he was often my much needed sounding board. We started weekly, and gradually extended the time between as my coping mechanisms improved. I grew overly dependant on him and when he took an unscheduled medical discharge I was devastated. I tried someone else, but it was a complete misfit and I just stopped going. Some of his exercises have got me through the tough times, but even they have stopped working.

Lack of sleep doesn't help, and nor does my embarrassment over having a "problem". Yes, denial is a major issue right now - outwardly having to appear "normal" - it's a terrible strain! I look forward to when there is no one home so I can just be me, but that's also the danger time as I have less restrictions on the harm I can cause myself or the thoughts that are left unchecked. A bit like the classic closet drinker!

I do worry about using up my allocated MHCP visits on something so "trivial" as I can't afford ongoing care. On the other hand, I guess I pay for fortnightly physio so it's not that different. Makes it an expensive sounding board!!!

Thanks for the advise / support.

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

geoff — Thu, 30 Mar 2017 22:56:24 GMT

hello TA, thanks for getting back to us, because you have a 3 or 5 week break from seeing your psychologist there is always something/s that upset you to the point of you don't being able to cope, it alway happens without doubt.
No embarrassment for how you feel should never be taken into account, yes I do know that that's how you do feel, I think that's normal when we get depression, so this is the very first problem that you have to overcome before you can then accept the help that is provided for you.
Does embarrassment occur when you have another illness, no all you do is curse and swear, and do we ever pretend that everything is OK, no we don't, that's when depression is no different, sure it's much more an unknown illness, and if you have been let down by your psychologist then make a point and try someone else if that is at all possible, remember you aren't helping the psychologist, it's their job to help you.
All of this may sound to very confusing, but isn't depression just that. Geoff.

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

james1 — Thu, 30 Mar 2017 23:26:00 GMT

Hey The Abyss,

Geoff's given some great insight into the nature of depression and how it affects our embarrassment. Having done Schema Therapy myself, I hope you don't mind if I invoke a little bit of it here.

You said: "You are right, I do need to talk with someone, and more regularly."

This is your Healthy Adult recognising that the nurture you require is more frequent than 5 weeks, or even 3 weeks. In fact, most of your posts here are in Healthy Adult mode - recognising when you are struggling and need help.

The challenge of course is how to bring Healthy Adult into your sessions. This is a really personal challenge and what works for me may be difficult for you.

One time, I managed to trick myself. I had a poem I wanted to give to my psych so I physically brought the representation of Healthy Adult with my by printing it and stuffing it in my pocket the day before. Naturally, I forgot about it until I got there and - because I get fidgety - I found it in my pocket and my psych asked me what it was. The child modes in me then got stuck because, to please my psychologist, I was then bound to read it. So printing your thoughts about what you want from therapy while you're in Healthy Adult mode, and then bringing those with you, could help.

The other thing I've been working on is to try and engage only one aspect of healthy adult: voicing your thoughts in session. So I say stuff it to anger and all that, but I will voice my thoughts. It is actually surprisingly easy once you get the ball rolling. Yes, it's impulsive which is not Healthy Adult, but you are purposely doing this to show another side of Healthy Adult. So I stand up to talk sometimes, I sit on the floor, I stare out the window or at wall - whatever it is that makes it easier for me to talk. I regularly butt in mid-sentence and if she deflects, I tell her she's deflected.

It can be quite confronting for the psychologist, but they are trained to deal with that - and you are training yourself to speak up.

James

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

The_Abyss — Fri, 31 Mar 2017 00:13:22 GMT

Thanks James.

That all makes sense. I feel better and communicate better while I'm active and moving, but the psych's room is too small. I look longingly outside as that's where I feel better, but feel trapped where I sit. If I pace, I will move closer to the source, and I'm not comfortable to do that just yet. On the "Pandora day" I felt so trapped I almost ran from the room once the door was opened. Going back the next time was hard.

I have just phoned the office to see if I could see someone else while he was away, but I only have one day of the week I can access the clinic, and they are booked out on that day until after he returns. So, that effectively rules out that option. It deflated me, but I guess I made the move, got the answer, and so will just have to move on (hey, perhaps the healthy adult does reside here!). I will either have to tough it out or find an alternate solution. I have felt better in the last 12 hours having accessed this site, so I thank you all for that. I at least know it's here and it will no doubt become my anchor over the next few weeks.

Before he left, the psych recommended a book on Schema therapy....I managed to borrow it while in Sydney yesterday so will put aside some time to get to understand it a little better before his return. I will also do as you suggest James and write down my concerns. Just writing helps with the healing....will I take it with me and express it? I don't know - that depends on how much of my alter ego goes with me!

Thank you for sharing your strength with me.

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

james1 — Fri, 31 Mar 2017 00:50:43 GMT

Hey The Abyss,

I hope I don't come across as too crazy, but a huuuge congratulations for phoning the office. I'm so happy to hear you did that - it's something that I really struggle with.

I am also super glad you're talking to us. Like you, I found the forums became a bit of an anchor for me in my hardest times last year.

It sounds like you have a little bit of reading. I follow some blogs as well but I'm quite selective about the blog posts I read. There are too many which just run through the 9 diagnostic criteria - I find them very unhelpful. Instead, I prefer the very specific stories that some people share because they are good reminders that there's a real person behind the BPD label. And I think the same goes for you 🙂

Always here to chat about your experience if you need some support.

James

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

White_Rose — Fri, 31 Mar 2017 03:10:16 GMT

Hello TA

Sorry not to reply earlier. We lost power yesterday so no computer. I dislike laptops so don't have one. Power back on mid morning today so here I am.

I wanted to write so much to you the other day but was confined by the word limit. Probably a good thing as I may end up writing War and Peace II, the sequel.

One thing I missed out on saying was about the Suicide Callback Service. The people there are great, trained MH people. They will listen to you. They will help with short term strategies and those for a longer time. They offer counselling on line which I think would be a great help to you. Please give them a call, not just when you are feeling suicidal, but anytime. The number is 1300 659 467, available 24/7 and the web site is https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ This is a really helpful place to visit and you can do this in privacy with no cost. You could also discuss future psychologist options with people who understand how difficult life can get. It's not meant to do away with face to face counselling but is a great addition to your box of tools.

Don't want to be a nag but have you talked to your GP about those menopause symptoms? Go to a GP in your nearby town if you are not comfortable talking to the local GP. I think you will find it is having a bigger impact on your MH than you realise. There, I've done my grandma bit.

Hey James, I used to sit on the floor in my psych's room. A bit difficult when you have a broken kneecap but I managed. The other day my lovely (new) psych pointed out to me I had put myself in the corner of the room. I suspect that's not healthy adult behaviour. I had not noticed.

TA, I have read about Schema therapy. Must dig out the stuff I read. Would you like to talk about this here? There are quite a few folk who have used this and could talk about it. My book is called Schema Therapy by Jeffrey E Young, Janet S Klosko and Marjorie E Weishaar. I also went through the questionnaire with a psychologist my GP sent me to, via a GPMHP, while I was waiting to see my new psychiatrist.

I am so pleased you have been helped by writing in here and exploring the site. It does make you feel less of an oddity when you know other feel the way as you. And yes, phoning the clinic was a healthy adult action. Alternative actions to follow while wait for your psychologist to return could include talking to the suicide callback service. It's a bit more personal than BB but not as daunting as face to face.

Mary

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

The_Abyss — Fri, 31 Mar 2017 03:42:07 GMT

Thanks Mary - glad you got your power back on - storms?

Yes, same book - not sure if it was the one the psychologist recommended but seemed comprehensive enough while being easy enough to read (and was available on the library shelf!). Psych was going to give me the questionnaire before I left the other day but he forgot and I chose not to remind him.

Thank you too for the suicide call back details - I found myself in a bad way the other night - it was after midnight and I still had around 2 hours to drive before I got where I was headed. I was driving tired, taking risks I wouldn't usually take because of the mental hole I was in. I thought about calling someone, but realised I didn't have access to anyone at that time of night. It was the next day I found the BB details - I now have that phone number and now also the suicide callback number (thank you) programmed into my phone, so thank you. I was not in a fit state to be looking for numbers at that stage (ok, I also wasn't in a fit state to drive), so now just having them preprogramed into my phone is already a reassurance. Would I use them? Still not sure the answer to that one.

Yeah, I hadn't realised I was in the corner either until the other day when he asked me to move (as part of an exercise). I felt more secure in that corner - facing the door for escape, back to the wall, ready to flee at an instant! No, not sure my knees would allow me on the floor either - struggling just with the low seats in the room!

And James - thank you. It took a lot to make the call - I had thought about making it several times over the last few weeks but could never do it, so it was only the strength and encouragement I received here that allowed me to do so. A bummer that it didn't work out, but hey, just making the step was empowering.

Yes, Mary, have been contemplating my options for the perimenopause symptoms. I know the two main options are a long term hormone (implanon / mirena - both which only a couple of doctors in town are trained in) or antidepressants. Not keen on the latter. Hormone tablets aren't really an option as I have already had multiple DVTs / PEs, so aren't considered safe for me. Its a case of accessing the options as much as facing the fact that I need them! Chicken hey! I am in Sydney a fair bit... not sure if there is a walk-in clinic I can access while there.....will have to investigate further.

Thanks again

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

james1 — Fri, 31 Mar 2017 04:40:53 GMT

Hey Mary,

That's an interesting little story about the sitting down on the floor. I definitely agree, it's probably not "healthy adult mode" behaviour to hide or feel like you need to be in the naughty corner.

Perhaps I can clarify why it was actually a half step forward for me. I didn't want to be trapped by my psychologist's expectations, so by sitting where I wanted to sit, and not where she wanted me to sit, I was trying to make sure I kept my own needs in mind, as a healthy adult would.

Naturally, the next half step forward would be to be able to sit comfortably on the sofa because I want to.

But it's definitely an interesting example of how we need to be mindful of why we are doing a particular action - self-punishment or a desire to break a habit?

Great pick up! 🙂

James

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

White_Rose — Fri, 31 Mar 2017 10:41:38 GMT

Hello James

Not sure it was self punishment or breaking a habit. I believe I just wanted to hide so I sat behind the chair. This was about 16 years ago and I've found more constructive ways to manage but looking back I think it was hilarious. Never found out what the psych thought. At least he didn't try and make me sit in the chair. I think wanting to hide was part of not wanting to disclose my life. "Just give me a pill and I'll be alright". Actually not even that because our meeting for several months hovered around taking or not taking ADs. Me saying no and him saying you need it.

Like many people I found it hard to tell anyone about what was happening. Lots of shame about being depressed. After a while I started to write stuff and sometime I would give him a copy. I don't think he was a very good psych. Used to fall asleep in our consultations, was always late, even for his first appointment in the morning, which was me. Caused a lot of problems at work. Hindsight is such a wonderful thing. Should have given him the flick much earlier than I did.

Mary

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

White_Rose — Fri, 31 Mar 2017 11:04:00 GMT

Hello TA

Yes storms and lots of rain were the cause of the power loss. I live in Brisbane and we had the storms etc coming down from north Qld. Schools were closed Thursday and Friday which meant I missed out on my psych appointment. She had to stay home with her children. Well I wasn't really looking forward to going out in the torrential rain.

So pleased you have been considering your options. I'm told I can be a bit of a nag at times, or maybe it's only my children I nag. Either way please let me know when I nag too much.

Don't think of the suicide callback service as only an emergency number. Of course it is but there is so much more to be gained by talking to them. Have a good look round their web site when you can. I think it will appeal to you about online therapy.

It is amazing when we realise how we have positioned ourselves. If someone had said this is what they did I would probably think they were nuts. However, as I have experienced this I can say it was a protective action.

My daughter had a mirena implanted but it was not a happy choice. She put up with it for a year or two but finally had a hysterectomy this week. She tells me she already feels much better.

I think Geoff mentioned that depression is a mental illness. It needs to be treated like any other illness. I know I was quite adamant I did not need medication. In all seriousness, I wonder why taking an antidepressant seems more shameful or weak than taking an antibiotic. But that's the way so many of us see it.

Mary

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

The_Abyss — Sat, 01 Apr 2017 03:10:07 GMT

Thanks Mary - I hope you didn't cop much damage from the storms sweeping through? I have a daughter who was in the cyclone zone and it was a tense week. I found not being able to do anything for her frustrating, and hearing here growing panic and then the growing exhaustion was so hard to bear. She has pulled through well however, and the physicality of "putting things back together" has done her wonders. Having power and water back will be a bonus! She had wonderful support up there, but I still felt inadequate.

Thank you for pushing me to look at the suicide callback website - I spent quite some time on it last night and found it very helpful.

I have spent much of the last 24 hours reading the Schema therapy book and can relate to much of it's content. It has given me greater understanding of what the psychologist was trying to achieve and why. I wasn't ready to receive the information before, but it has allowed me to think more objectively about things. With understanding and improved insight comes tolerance and a greater peace.

I relate far too well to the borderline personality disorder stuff. It does concerns me - I am only just starting to get use to the "depression" label - the possibility of BPD is a little too much at this stage. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about the "why". I think it is multifaceted. I grew up in an alcohol household with a great deal of abuse. My mother had "mental issues" - I suspect now she is either bipolar or BPD at the very least, but at the time, it was just a turbulent roller-coaster to survive. She still manages to press my buttons. As a result, I have no tolerance for behaviours like hers, and so to be potentially "like" her is devastating. In addition, through my work I have always seen people at their worst, and so alcoholism and mental illness create a great deal of negativity in me. To reinforce it further, my husband has also had to deal with many of the same behaviours through work and frequently comes home and debriefs to me. I am therefore terrified of being in that same category and is probably part of why I don't feel comfortable enough to disclose my inner struggle. Having read the schema stuff, I also obviously have many hang-ups that make the reality that much harder to admit and move forward with.

Thank you again all for being there and sharing so freely - I have much to learn from you all.

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

The_Abyss — Sun, 02 Apr 2017 06:14:39 GMT

It's amazing how it will be the little things that set you off.

After 4 days solid on the BB site, I was finally starting to feel a little more confident, a little less alone, a little more in control, a little less "at risk". I had my day planned out as I had neglected assignment work the past few days but had made a good start this morning before my husband returned from night shift. A text later and I had agreed to go the the movies.... I pushed for the earlier session so I could still get back to assignments undisturbed in the afternoon. I didn't really have the time or the money, but felt I needed to make the effort to be with this person. 15 minutes before leaving, I got a phone call inviting me to an impromptu and exclusive training session elsewhere, and there was a certain expectation that I would attend, despite the lack of warning. It was to be on the same time as the movie. I could have reorganised the movie and gone anyway, but I was thinking of all the work I still had to do before work tomorrow, thinking of the disappointment of the instructor, thinking of the disappointment of my movie buddy. Like a deer in the headlights I was stuck. It wouldn't matter which decision I made, the end result was I would disappoint someone, and this created instant guilt and turmoil, feeding straight back into my unrelenting standards issues. I went to the movies, the whole time doubting my decision, no longer present in the moment, but already in regret. What will the instructor think about me turning him down? Would I be asked back? Have I destroyed my chances of being invited to the next level? Does he doubt my commitment? Fear and rejection issues overflowed. And now, here it is half way through the afternoon and I'm again on the BB site, struggling, in turmoil, my assignment work forgotten beside me. Should I call and apologise? Let it go? I will continue to beat myself up over it. I don't have time for training in the next few days and so had planned on taking the week off in order that I could fit in some sleep somewhere in my ridiculous schedule. Now in guilt I will most likely try and fit training into an overstretched timetable, purely from guilt, sacrificing sleep to again try and "be all things for all people". It has set me back off to spiralling back out of control. Such a simple thing, with such devastating repercussions.

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

White_Rose — Sun, 02 Apr 2017 06:50:51 GMT

Hello TA

I hope your daughter is OK and that the worst of the cyclone has passed. I can imagine how worried you must have been and of course it's now clearing up time. I think this is much harder in many ways than storms and floods, terrifying though they can be. So many precious things lost and the sheer volume of work needed to make home habitable again.

Is it too early to suggest a change of name on BB? I think the name(s) we give ourselves have an impact on us and it would be lovely to think of you in a different place. I started here calling myself White Rose but got into horrible place and changed my name to Life Is Not Good. Not as nice as White Rose. Anyway, after a while I changed back. These days you cannot change your forum name so easily. If you want to think of a more positive name I can tell you who to contact to change.

I am pleased you got something from the suicide web site. I think it's very helpful, particularly to people in that position. Another web site to have a look at is MindSpot. https://mindspot.org.au/ They have an online assessment process which may help put your fears to rest. The assessment is about depression and anxiety, but after you have completed it you get a phone call from a staff member to discuss your results. Depending on your problem they may offer you some online treatment courses.

I was told a few days ago that BPD is now often called Complex PTSD. Don't know if that is correct. It's certainly a better name and reflects more accurately the person's difficulties and the reasons for the name.

Can you ask your GP for an opinion? I know this may be too risky for you to do, but I have found GPs know about these things as well as psychologists or psychiatrists. Self diagnosis is not a good way to go. There are so many nuances in everyone's behaviour and thoughts that seem to fit the diagnostic criteria but is often simply a part of your individual make up.

There was a thread on BB in the Social Zone. It was called 16 Personality Types. Looking at different aspects of ourselves. It won't tell you about BPD or any other psychological illness. What it will tell you are the things about you. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/mbti-personality-types This is the link to the thread or you can go to the website https://www.16personalities.com/ It's really interesting and you can see the strong points in yourself. Let me know how you go.

Mary

Is it a mental illness or just depression?

The_Abyss — Sun, 02 Apr 2017 21:55:09 GMT

"What did nan DO?"

My heart sank. I had avoided this conversation for a long time. What did she do to irrevocably destroy our relationship to one of bare tolerance? Thankfully I sought more info before replying.

"What did she do for work"? Phew, escaped that one for now!

"She worked as a .....blah blah blah and volunteered as a councillor for Lifeline. These days she works in mental health"

"But she's crazy!!!"

And thought I had managed to protect my kids from that all this time!!!