topic I think my 30 year marriage is over in Long-term support over the journey

I think my 30 year marriage is over

tim55 — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 01:45:44 GMT

Hi every body,

This is my first post and I'm not sure if this is the right place for what is going on. I guess I'll just put up my story and see what happens.

I was discovered betraying my wife of 30 plus years through the use of internet pornography, by my 18 year old daughter. That was about 4 months ago. Many would say I was addicted, I'm still not sure if that is right or not. Since then I have done pretty well dealing with that side of the problem. Through some counselling, reconnecting with my faith and involvement with a 12 step program, I am "sober" since discovery. I have lied and deceived even after discovery trying to minimise what I had done. The full truth all came out about 2 weeks ago.

My wife and I have been on a roller coaster about what will happen with our marriage. At the moment it looks as though our marriage will end. I am currently living out of the family home and pretty well every interaction I have with my wife upsets her peace. I don't think she is on the road to any healing; that is now just about out of my hands. Any suggestion I make is rejected vehemently.

Its now becoming clear that I will not be spending Christmas with my family. Having me in the house is just the catalyst for my wife's pain and hurt, leading to anger that just spills over our adult children. So I expect to stay away.

I have no family where I am living, although, I have cut myself off from them. My father was a verbally abusive man who introduced me to pornography. I have some support through a church, however, he will be out of the city from tomorrow and has a family of his own to care for. So I am staring at the likelihood of being alone for Christmas. One of the characteristics of an addict is pushing people away and I have done that, with no real friends at all.

There are some things I know I can do. I will be attending Church on Christmas Day, possibly with the family, but I'm not expecting that. I guess I am looking for suggestions about dealing with a weeks worth of days by myself as work will shut it's doors. I will be tackling my addictive issues separately with my counsellor. I'm looking for some general suggestions.

Thanks

I think my 30 year marriage is over

Croix — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 05:48:12 GMT

Dear Tim55~

Welcome here to the Forum. I'm sorry you are in your present situation, I'd imagine it being Christmas time that will only make it worse with work shut down and many regarding it as a family occasion.

For an awful lot of folks it is a very lonely time. For others it is a time of financial need with a lot having no accommodation and little food.

Do you think you might like to step in and help those in theses sort of situations? Not only would you be doing things that help others and having a sense of accomplishment as a result but you would probably be working in congenial and appreciative environments.

There are many charitable organizations, St Vincent's, City Mission, Red Cross to name only three. In fact your own church may have something organized too.

For other occupation you can of course come here, our social areas will no doubt be active, one is the

Forums / BB Social Zone / CHRISTMAS 2017/NEW YEARS Chillout Lounge

Where people get together for light chat and the occasional joke.

I've no real advice to give in relation to your marriage. You are probably the best judge. It is a very sad thing when it looks like 30 years will come to an end. Obviously your wife is deeply affected. I'm not sure 'healing' is the right word, perhaps dealing with grief and loss might be better. As you have chosen to undergo counseling I'm sure you do understand what she is going though.

Perhaps in time matters will change. If it was me I'd not press at the moment, however that's just me.

You mentioned adult children. May I ask how your relationship is with them?

You are welcome here

Croix

I think my 30 year marriage is over

tim55 — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 06:08:46 GMT

Hi Croix,

Thanks for answering.

I have thought about the option of helping out at a Christmas lunch. I am in Canberra and there are some of these events but they are well cared for as far as I can see. I am at least fortunate to have a roof over my head and enough to eat. I have held off volunteering as the situation with my wife and family has been pretty volatile. Two weeks ago it looked like we might reconcile, for the 2nd or 3rd time in 4 months.

My wife is deeply affected, she is traumatised. I have great concerns she is not being treated for the trauma. The current low time between us is the result of a few words that was enough to trigger memories of my incredible betrayal. Yes it was all my fault and I have deeply hurt her. I can try to understand what she is going through, but it is so much I would be fooling myself to think I understood.

I am just praying that we might reconcile. A while ago I begged her to take me back, but it is not the time to do that again now. Time is going to be necessary and patience on my part. That is really difficult. I love my wife despite what my actions say.

My adult children are completely on my wife's side. My youngest who discovered the pornography on my phone pretty well hates me, I've destroyed her final semester of Yr12 and her 18th birthday. My son has told me not to contact my wife because each contact upsets her at the moment.

Today has been a pretty low day and I'm off to my home to clear out the rest of my stuff now.

I will get through this and I will not fall to my foul previous habits, but it is going to be a battle.

Thanks again for replying and I will check out some of the social pages.

I think my 30 year marriage is over

Croix — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 08:56:56 GMT

Dear Tim55~

Yes it is a very difficult time, but getting on top of your addiction is a pretty impressive feat.

I don't know but would think 30 years counts for something, there is always hope.

With Christmas, if it was me I'd make efforts now in the volunteering world or some other activity to cover the whole period. If circumstances change you can always cancel. I'd not like to think of you completely alone during the festive season

Croix

I think my 30 year marriage is over

tim55 — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 10:33:10 GMT

Dear Criox,

Thanks for the concern and the kind words about getting on top of the internet porn. While I can accept that as an achievement, it does not bring much in the way of joy.

Well after the conversation with my wife tonight, I can make plans to volunteer with some certainty. Or make some other plans.

Part of the problem with a 30 year marriage with a compulsively lying pornography addict, my wife feels betrayed for 30 years straight. It is going to take some time, if at all. She feels like she doesn't know who she married and that anything that was good has been effectively cancelled out. At the moment all I can do is pray and hope.

Now I am cut off from my wife and my family and I don't feel I will be able to show them I have made the changes, and even if I could, it may not be enough to get my wife over the huge betrayal that can never be undone.

Its a really difficult not to be self pitying. I need to be able to talk about what is going on and not wallow.

I think my 30 year marriage is over

geoff — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 22:55:08 GMT

hi Tim, I'm sorry but you are in a very difficult situation here, being married for 30 years is a task by itself, but many people have done it and even beyond, double that time, but for this to happen it takes trust from our spouse/partner, however your daughter has caught you out, sending a chain of reaction down through all your family.
I'm not sure that you should try and rush back, I think that you need to continue your counselling, because if you return there maybe tests set up by your kids to test you out, and they are only doing this for the protection of their mother, so you need to overcome this addiction before deciding whether you are allowed back home.
Your church maybe able to find you somewhere to live, but you will know yourself if you have been cured, no one can tell you, so you have to prove that you are able to stop this addiction. Geoff.

I think my 30 year marriage is over

tim55 — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 00:23:47 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for the wise words.

I moved out of the family home for a little while and then moved back as things between my wife and I improved. Things went down hill again and I have moved out to a share house that has been very good.

There are two things at play with my wife as far as I can tell. First, my wife is, understandably, having a hard time dealing with the constant betrayal that has been present in our marriage. There was hardly a time when I was completely faithful to her. Second, I have woven such a fabric of lies in our marriage. When I talk with her I believe I am being truthful, but she does not see it that way. Little slips, thinking one thing, saying it and then realising and admitting I had made a mistake are all lies. My wife has said she loves truth more than she loves me. Truth in her view is very precise and exact.

So rebuilding trust is very difficult and at the moment. I love my wife and my family. However, she believes I could not love her and do what I have done. The other factor at play at the moment is that she does not feel she can heal and be my husband.

I think I have beaten this addiction, but deciding that is true is arrogant, if not dangerous. An addiction is to be wary of for life. I will be continuing with my counselling and attending 12 step for some time.

I have a long way to go.

Thanks Geoff.

I think my 30 year marriage is over

geoff — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 01:15:25 GMT

hi Tim, and thanks for getting back to us, and I know that you love your wife and family, however to me there are mountains that you have to overcome, and may I quote from what you said, and before I mention these, please remember that I'm here on this site to answer problems people have asked us for help, so I'm neutral.
You have said 'constant betrayal', and 'There was hardly a time when I was completely faithful to her', so you have to realise that not only she, but also your children have to try and believe what you are saying.
I know that the security of having the family together means the world to you, it did for me as well, but my depression and self-medicating with alcohol while I was in depression destroyed my marriage of 25 years.
Now I only drink socially, it's a lesson I will regret, but still in contact with my ex and certainly in contact with my 2 sons everyday of the week.
It's hard to know whether an addiction is over because in difficult times it could return, mine hasn't for over 14 years, and I know that I medically can't, so that's the best reason, simply because I will have seizures.
Tim I'm only being honest here, but I hope you can see what you have to prove to your family. Geoff.

I think my 30 year marriage is over

white knight — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 02:06:14 GMT

Hi Tim, welcome

I am pleased Geoff and the others , with so much experience, have replied.

I've read your story. I'm feeling some compassion towards your situation because everyone deserves a chance and some forgiveness. However others effected also deserve/need time to heal if it is going to happen.

You have your faith, that's good. Can I make a suggestion? For several days pack up your can with some essential items and go camping. You don't need much "stuff".

Google

Topic: cheap recovery idea, camping- beyondblue

During that time in this festive season, you'll meet other people at camping grounds. Those conversations will distract your thoughts. Take your bible and feel depth within. Seek your forgiveness and be alone most times to find your inner self.

I had several other ideas

Google

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

At this point, with all the conversations going on I'd wipe xmas time off as a possible good time. It's too late for that in that a bad energy will fill the venues. We might enjoy 90 xmas's in our lifetime....one or two bad ones isn't such a big deal is it? Let's swallow that. Lets concentrate on a few other things-

- that you cant control other peoples rage and level of forgiveness

-that you "fell into" this addiction and you needed a jolt to run out of it

- that your child/children will always have you as their father. The time taken for them to "come round" might be long but they will in time.

- that we are all flawed individuals and you have beaten yourself up enough

The last thread I ask you to read is in reference to 1996 when my world came crashing down. I hope you enjoy reading it.

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue.

If you go camping enjoy your campfire and make sure you inform people where you are going etc. Try to be level headed and seek peace.

Tony WK

I think my 30 year marriage is over

tim55 — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 02:20:49 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your candour. I'd like to think I understand the mountain. Part of me is already realising it may just be too big for even the most loving, forgiving and gracious people to be able deal with and take me back. Another part of me is praying and hoping for a miracle. I have so much to prove to my family and I don't know if I ever will.

I remain concerned about my addictive behaviours. I have seen them at work already. I've been sexually sober for over 100 days. But in that time, I know I have had small episodes of self medicating with alcohol and food. Nothing out of control, but moments that tell me I have to be very careful indeed. I expect the coming Christmas period is going to test that. I have vowed that I will not go back to pornography and am working very hard on that. My wife has said she believes I am sober. A slip in this area will definitely finish off any hope of a marriage.

Its truth I have to prove with her. Over the past 100 or so days I have had contact with my wife and family. She has seen who I could be and liked that. Lack of truth and memory of what I have done then overshadow those feelings and I have no doubts about the size of that mountain. The difficultly is not what I have to prove to them but how I am going to go about it, if I am not to be part of their lives.

I think my 30 year marriage is over

bindi-QLD — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 02:40:24 GMT

Hi Tim,

Welcome, and I wanted to say I'm sorry for the painful situation you are in, around Christmas time too.

Dealing with an addiction as well as a major relationship crisis is very difficult. I saw that you questioned yourself about whether you're addicted, and though perhaps one way to figure that out is if you feel that the pull to go back to old habits is still enormous at times, then it probably does mean it was an addiction for you - which is just another way of saying you used that behaviour to medicate some painful feelings that you find hard to express or maybe even properly feel. If you can think of it as `fixing pain' then one way to cope while you are alone is look for some other ways to do that, which isn't harmful to yourself or others. The classic advice is to do more excercise, but everyone is different.

Something else worth mentioning is that if it were a problem with alcohol or most kinds of addictions, it would be realistic to taper off rather than stop altogether. That may be why you continued to re-engage in the behaviour after it was discovered.... it was perhaps your main source of relief from your feelings, and you were not yet able to face them yet.

So in answer to your main question, `what should you be doing'? I think you should be facing the feelings behind your addiction. It will feel like a fog lifting off from you, kind of like coming out of denial. They might be painful feelings, You may have been feeling lonely, and disconnected from your spouse. Deception can do that in itself, and perhaps there were other reasons that happened slowly over the years, due to each of you not expressing feelings.

Do not give up hope on your marriage. I don't know if your wife will be able to forgive you, but I do believe the best place you can be when you attempt to reconcile is to really know your feelings and why you were addicted to a behaviour. And then be willing to share those feelings with her. If the connection between you has become weakened over time, then tell her that you want to repair that connection together (if you do), and all the things that made you love her and feel connected over the years.

When the trust is so compromised as it is in this situation, then all you really have to work at is improving your intimacy and connection. I really hope both of you can get to that place.

I think my 30 year marriage is over

tim55 — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 02:49:48 GMT

Hi Tony WK,

Thank you for your kind words, they are much appreciated.

I will have a read of the posts you have indicated. The idea of camping is a great one. Unfortunately I am not at all set up for camping, aside from some sleeping bags I have no equipment and I have limited funds. However, I have been playing with the idea of at least heading off to the beach for a day rather than sitting around and moping.

I am having trouble not beating myself up. I have had more than one chance with my wife and my vile choices. I fear I have pushed her beyond human ability to ever trust me again. I certainly cannot control what my wife and my family are thinking and feeling. I guess I just want to try and give them something that will help. For example, I am greatly concerned for her health and well being. I have traumatised her. There is a view around this type of situation that what she has experienced is very much like a PTSD (post infidelity stress disorder) they call it. I want to see her be cared for and treated. Those sort of traumas untreated are very destructive.

Please, I am not disregarding your words at all. They are wise, I will work through them.

Tim

I think my 30 year marriage is over

tim55 — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 03:08:47 GMT

Thanks for your kind words bindi,

This is largely of all of my own doing. I am exploring where my "addiction" came from. There is certainly some classic precursors in my life. I have a verbally abusive father who introduced me to pornography. I had a sexually abusive encounter when I was a young boy. But one of the reasons I question addiction is that I seem to have dealt with it seemingly easily. There have been events where I can look back and say I may have been medicating by using pornography and even now using other things. I used to exercise a great deal and should go back to it.

I'd like to think I've done a fair bit of self exploration over the last 4 months. I've sort of had it out with my father who is not willing to acknowledge his part in my life. I have felt the fog lifting and talked with my wife about all of these things.

My concern now is that my wife is just willing to give me another chance. I am going to have to be patient and wait and see if that will change.

I think my 30 year marriage is over

Birdy77 — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 03:59:55 GMT

Hi Tim 😊

I've been reading your thread, but not posting only because i havent felt that i have anything of use to offer you and you have some great support and advice going here.

But i do really feel for your situation.

I like a lot of what has been said on your thread, and i particularly like what Tony said recently that you've beaten yourself up enough, and tjat we'llhave many xmases in our lifetimes, a couple of awful ones aint too bad. (I kinda needed to hear that today ...).

I just wanted to also add that if you find yourself at a loose end on xmas day, it sounds like there will be a few people in the same boat on the forums and I'm not sure if you've checked out the more lighthearted areas of the lounge/cafe whatever, but it sounds like if you did find yourself feeling lonely and felt like joining in with some people who kinda understand, you could pour yourself a beverage and sit and chat with others in a similar boat on the forum on xmas day.

Many caring thoughts,

🌻 birdy

I think my 30 year marriage is over

bindi-QLD — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 04:23:58 GMT

Hi Tim, I'm sorry if I covered a lot of stuff you already know then, its not nice being told stuff you already know. I just wasn't sure where you were at, sorry.

You sound like you've come along really well in terms of self awareness and communicating with your wife. I see what you mean now, that you feel your wife would need to do some healing of her own to meet you where you're at.

This has probably come as a huge blow to her self worth as well as raised a lot of fear within her. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes through a process with dealing with that.

Do you think she is the kind of person who would be open to couple's counselling, when the time is right?

I think my 30 year marriage is over

tim55 — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 04:26:56 GMT

Hi Birdy,

Thanks for your kind words. I will be working on the not beating myself up, but I have caused a great deal of devastation to those I love and were supposed to protected. That takes a fair bit of work That is not to say I am not trying!

One of the reasons I have come here is looking for some support heading into this period and thanks to all those who have said hello and offered such support.

If I am around on Christmas Day I will look in and say hello.

I think my 30 year marriage is over

tim55 — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 04:38:02 GMT

Hi bindi,

I apologise if I come across as a little narky. That was not my intent. My story is still evolving in this thread.

This has been a huge blow to her, turning her life on its head. We have been on a roller coaster ride. As early as October we were thinking that the marriage would be renewed. Then something happened and the fears and the lack of trust of me came back, understandably. I'm not sure what is going to happen as she sees everything I have done as a direct rejection of her. She won't accept what has happened is more likely to be all my fault and chasing a chemical high rather than rejecting her. I find that frustrating, I can't explain to her what was happening, but at the moment, she has her interpretation that is very different to what I think was happening.

I have suggested some counselling with my current psychologist who also does couples counselling. That has not gone well. Perhaps in time, but not right now.

I think my 30 year marriage is over

geoff — Sun, 17 Dec 2017 02:05:39 GMT

hi Tim, there has been some good chatter here regarding your situation, food for thought.
Don't you just wish that we could click our fingers and everything would be back to normal, I certainly do, however it won't, we still have to work at it, it's a 24/7 job,sure there are times for a reprieve but we can't let our guard drop, because that's when we forget about what we are supposed to be doing.
You know it still happens to me and I live alone, but I have 2 sons who need me, a close friend which has only developed over the last 18 months, maybe longer, I wish it was longer who I speak to regularly on the phone, well actually we need each other, so it's good to talk about our own issues.
What you don't need is to be reminded or looked at when a situation may occur, this will only make it much worse for you.
It's great that you have kept this conversation going, I know it's not easy, but I hope we can be of some help. Geoff.

I think my 30 year marriage is over

blondguy — Sun, 17 Dec 2017 13:16:21 GMT

Hello Tim55

There is a wealth of wisdom and life experience from people above. I will keep my post brief to avoid repetition

Firstly if I can say you are more than welcome anywhere on the forums if you choose to of course.

As you have seen the forums are a judgemental free & safe place to post.

I feel your pain as I have had relationships fall apart too. Mostly as the girls I meet dont want a guy with depression or left over anxiety scars.

I have read your entire thread Tim55 and TonyWK mentioned about giving Christmas a miss this year. Birdy and Croix have also mentioned that there will be people like yourself on the forums this Christmas if you need us

Can I ask you if you would be reasonably content spending Christmas solo this year? As in taking some time off for yourself?...(a vacation from what you have been going through)........Just a thought

You are a very strong person Tim. I know that you are not alone here in any way

My Kind thoughts for you in this difficult time

Paul

I think my 30 year marriage is over

blondguy — Sun, 17 Dec 2017 14:19:45 GMT

Thankyou New Dawn for posting. Its good news that you back to being happy

Paul