topic It was all my fault in Long-term support over the journey

It was all my fault

buster11 — Tue, 15 Aug 2017 04:51:44 GMT

Hi again - I'm not asking for sympathy nor understanding, a chat perhaps. I met an amazing lady about 2yrs ago and she took me in and cared for me amazingly. I was still seeing a lady that I'd spent time with previously but didn't and don't love at all, it was just companionship. I did the worse thing ever and slept with her again. Absolutely no idea why and I have regretted every second since. My partner who I just love beyond belief found out and we have been trying to work things out. The only thing is she has a really hard time dealing with it at times. For the past 2yrs it will be mentioned or more questions and it turns into a nightmare for me. I have done everything I can to write this horrible wrong but cant seem to get the chance to move on. About 3 weeks ago it came up again and out of frustration I've started harming myself because its something that keeps hitting in the face and just wont go away. I deserve everything I'm getting and dealing with but need it to go away (not forgotten) so we can both hopefully enjoy everything in front of us.

It was all my fault

white knight — Tue, 15 Aug 2017 11:51:32 GMT

Hi buster, welcome

I understand.

In life IMO there are some decisions made that means you cant unscramble the egg. We all make mistakes, everyone, some worse mistakes than others. When this happens and the other party is hurt, our control over the situation is lost. I'd suggest this has led to your self harm. It isnt a good place to be.

Then of cause it leaves your future in their hands. Until there is positive development and agreement, resolution between you both, such a situation will continue to fester.

In these situations professional counseling is a good wise move, the sooner the better. Try Relationships Australia.

Getting back to your self harming. It can help, regardless of your love for your GF if you create options in the case it doesnt work out. When I do this it gives me some comfort that I have a rough alternative plan.

I hope I've helped. People go bankrupt through bad decisions, people get tempted to buy a car even when only looking....and we shouldnt enter a car yard unless we are prepared to buy. You know that now. It is pointless beating yourself up about it.

Post anytime. Chat away. Glad you're here

Tony WK

It was all my fault

buster11 — Tue, 15 Aug 2017 22:51:08 GMT

Hi white night - thank you for your time and great advice. You're right we all do make bad decisions and mine I absolutely hate myself for. My partner wont go to counselling as she believes it wasn't her fault. My frustration comes from the knowledge that I've done absolutely everything I can to try and make things right but it seems so very usless.

Take care Tony WK

It was all my fault

Croix — Wed, 16 Aug 2017 14:03:53 GMT

Dear Buster11~

Tony has given some pretty good advice and you've responded, which is really great. It looks like there are two things on the go. The first is of course your original actions that caused a rift. OK, as Tony says you can't unscramble the egg.

Now however you have something else - that rift is taking on a life of its own and you are starting to have to self-harm to cope. True your partner did not cause the original problem, but with the matter unresolved and you feeling pressured and guilty every time the matter is revisited this new problem needs solving by the pair of you.

Can you have a discussion with your partner and let her know that both of you are suffering and ask what can be done to give you both some security? If you have not sone so already I'd suggest you tell her how you have been coping. I guess you will need a fair degree of tact to not point any blame at her, and not to make it seem like some form of emotional blackmail.

To make her feel better and more secure does not mean just keep on apologizing and saying you will not do it again, try for more than that. I can't advise what exactly as I do not know the lady, but one thing might be to try hard not to have situations where she is in doubt and worrying about your absence. Another is to take extra pains to make her feel good.

If you can work on this together you will have a stronger relationship.

Tony is also spot on in saying counseling would be good, for either or both of you. Self-harm normally means a condition such as anxiety that really should be looked at by a professional.

Croix

It was all my fault

buster11 — Thu, 17 Aug 2017 23:54:36 GMT

Hi Croix - thank yo so much for your input and I have been seeing a Councillor regarding my anxiety and thoughts. That's part of my frustration is that I'm doing absolutely everything I can to get myself and eventually us back to a good place but she just throws it up again every 2-3 wks. Its hard to try and begin to be okay about myself again when constant reminders take me back to the beginning. Its difficult because I caused it and really have no right to defend it. I hate seeing her hurt so much. She will explode and its vicious mental wise for me. The next day she will say its just hard for her and needs to let it out.

It was all my fault

startingnew — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 03:58:09 GMT

Hi Buster

you asked me to take a look at this thread- hopefully this is the one your talking about.

ive taken a read here but this is out of my league and i have no idea what to say as ive never been in this situation myself....

hopefully these guys here can give you more insight than what i can

It was all my fault

startingnew — Tue, 29 Aug 2017 01:07:28 GMT

Hey Buster

do you want to talk about last night on this thread? these guys might be able to help more as well

you said you had a bad night and everything was brought back up again... was this in the form of a conversation or a nightmare?

It was all my fault

buster11 — Tue, 29 Aug 2017 07:17:42 GMT

Oh no it was a conversation -

Just thought is was going to be normal night and then all of a sudden what I had done was brought back up again. Like I said I'm absolutely everything to be okay for her, me and us going forward with things. But i keep getting dragged back to the beginning.

It was all my fault

monkey_magic — Tue, 29 Aug 2017 08:21:33 GMT

It sounds to me like she keeps wanting u to feel guilty, or she's processing, re- processing continuously which isn't healthy. She prob in a world of pain.

It's good that you're willing to work through it.

I really think a third party needs to be involved to help validate feelings and to get everything out in the open.

The mess needs to be solved.

Hope I've helped.

It was all my fault

buster11 — Tue, 29 Aug 2017 22:59:31 GMT

Thank you guest_43256 - great advice and I agree with everything you have said. She wont allow a third party and wont be involved in that as she didn't cause it.

I am very aware she is in a world of pain and I absolutely deserve everything I get. Its been over 18 months now and many many days of pain. I would do absolutely anything for this person. Every single second of my day is taken up by me thinking and trying to get this better. I guess I don't deserve it but very selfishly how do I get the chance to be okay too?

It was all my fault

startingnew — Wed, 30 Aug 2017 09:09:07 GMT

hey Buster how are you going?

It was all my fault

buster11 — Wed, 30 Aug 2017 22:55:56 GMT

Hi startingnew - I'm okay thank you. How have you been?

It was all my fault

startingnew — Fri, 01 Sep 2017 11:55:40 GMT

hey

im glad your doing abit better

im ok, slowly getting there with recover with a few things thnks for asking

It was all my fault

buster11 — Mon, 04 Sep 2017 00:28:48 GMT

Your welcome. I hope you had a great weekend?

It was all my fault

startingnew — Mon, 04 Sep 2017 03:46:31 GMT

saturday i was still sufferring migraines so didnt really do much, sunday i had to work and didnt finish until 530 and was flat out with no breaks from 9am. and today i got my assessment tasks done for my course and just recieved one result and its 95%. it certainly wasnt what i was expecting

how are you? how was your weekend? and fathers day?

It was all my fault

buster11 — Mon, 04 Sep 2017 04:40:45 GMT

Great result - congratulations.

My weekend was okay - did some of my Monday to Friday work at home. Fathers day was okay - I took my 3 out for dinner. Went better than I expected. I'm not meaning to be rude but are you M or F? Did you have a fathers day?

It was all my fault

startingnew — Mon, 04 Sep 2017 04:49:09 GMT

Hi Buster

thank you and thats not rude at all 🙂 im a female

im glad your fathers day went well for you. ive got a step dad that we celebrated in the morning but i had to work so i had to leave at 9am but we made him breakfast and gave gifts before then. he ended up going out with some mates anyway so that was ok

It was all my fault

buster11 — Mon, 04 Sep 2017 04:53:25 GMT

Hello and thank you the female startingnew hahaha

Sounds like a nice day for you..........well done. I didn't get any gifts but I'm okay to forgo anything for just some time with them.

It was all my fault

startingnew — Mon, 04 Sep 2017 05:05:47 GMT

haha lol yes the female SN- you can call me that if you like other members call me SN

just nervously waiting for the second course now probably wont find out until tomorrow.

im glad you got to spend some time with them

what did you do with them?

It was all my fault

buster11 — Mon, 04 Sep 2017 05:14:50 GMT

female SN - perfect haha

Well I hope tomorrow brings good news about your course. Sometimes I think the study is the easy part. Its all the other stuff that makes it hard?

We went for some dinner. I'm also hoping to catch up with them one night during the week.