topic Empty and lost and so lonely in Long-term support over the journey

Empty and lost and so lonely

Piertotum_Locomotor — Sat, 15 Jul 2017 11:07:24 GMT

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

Empty and lost and so lonely

Hope_for_the_best — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 04:48:51 GMT

It is not a waste of time to read your post and it is great that you reach out rather than keeping to yourself. The feelings you described sound like symptoms of depression and it appears that they are interfering with your life, e.g. cannot concentrate and need to take study leaves. You need some professional support to get through these. Although you had unpleasant experiences with medication and are reluctant to see a psychologist, I would suggest that you go to a GP. If you don't like your regular one, find another one. It would be good to bring in records of your previous antidepressants, so it helps your GP to prescribe medication that works for you. I would also urge you to get a referral to see a psychologist. You are actually doing a great job describing how you feel in your post, so if you are struggling with telling your psychologist, a printout of your post will help a lot. I would also encourage you to talk to your close friends how you feel. Even if they cannot help you with anything, they can be there to support you. It makes a big difference to have a supportive network to get through this difficult time.

Get well soon.

Empty and lost and so lonely

solabear — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 08:58:17 GMT

Hi PL,

You certainly haven't wasted my time, your post is greatly appreciated and thank you for sharing. It makes me feel that I'm not alone and I can really relate to you. I find it hard to talk to psychologists and councellors and open up to strangers. It's not for everyone I guess, I know how you feel.

The empty feeling could be the side effect of the AD, maybe it's not the right one for you. You can talk to the GP about it and try a different one.

I hope you will find this forum helpful and I look forward to your posting.

hugs from Sola

Empty and lost and so lonely

Piertotum_Locomotor — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 09:23:42 GMT

Thank you for taking the time to read my stupid rant and replying me, I really appreciate it.

I just have so much trouble with talking to people, especially doctors, about how I feel that trying to start all over again with a new doctor seems like a nightmare. I've tried to do that twice in the past and ended up going back to my old GP both times since he just knows everything already so I don't need to talk as much about things. But in my next appointment I'll definitely try talk to him about how I feel and printing this post is actually a really good suggestion so thank you for that 🙂

Hope you're well.

PL x

Empty and lost and so lonely

Piertotum_Locomotor — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 09:26:54 GMT

Hi Sola, thank you so much for reading and replying my post and saying I haven't wasted your time. Definitely reassuring and I really appreciate it. I'm sorry to hear you can relate to me though because I know feeling this way sucks.

I suppose it could be a side effect of my meds but I think I've been feeling this way before I got onto these ones. I am still trying to find the right medication though so I'll bring that up with my doctor next time I see him... It actually feels like I've tried all of them since I've trialed so many (though I know there are still many I haven't tried).

Hope you're well.

PL x

Empty and lost and so lonely

HamSolo01 — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 10:23:49 GMT

hey there

I read your post and i can relate to the whole "feeling like i burden" other people. I believe this comes with the territory of depression and anxiety to a lesser extent as well. I can relate to the empty feeling too. All too well in fact. As well as that, there is the feeling that other people are progressing in other aspects of their lives while you've made "none" (i use inverted commas on purpose because depression heightens our sense of inadequacy and unworthiness... thats just how it is, it doesn't make it true and you must remember this)

I was diagnosed in 2012 when I was 18ish (23 atm) and have been through about 3 psychs, 1 counsellor 3 types of meds. So I can relate to you on that front too. I've had to postpone uni as well in the past, dropping subjects and redoing others. I've had very little work experience too.

But see here's the thing. All this type I've had to battle personal demons. That's how it is with depression. Not all of us cop things equally.

You must realise that posting on these forums is a burden to no one. The whole point of them is so that you can vent.

You sound as if you're both overwhelmed and fed up. You also feel a bit guilty I imagine?

It's always reassuring to hear that others know EXACTLY what this feels like. Today I have felt pretty average. I just have and can't really pin it to anything. Only after some years of therapy have I seen some sort of change for the ultimate better. These things take time my friend.

A couple of things that work for me are sleeping off the depression, doing something i enjoy, exercise or just simply doing whatever has to be done at that point in time. Sometimes I will try to speak to a friend about it, but like you, I fear I burden them. The good thing is that they have an understanding of what I go through - though not all do. But that's okay. I guess that's life

Other than continuing to post on here, what sort of things could potentially work for you do you think?

You mentioned you don't want to see a psych because you have to talk about it all again. Perhaps writing down thoughts and ideas that enter your mind could be a potential way to help you in the therapy sessions if you want?

Either way, I hope you get the help you need 🙂

You are by no means alone in this and your post as also helped me a bit by realising I'm not alone too 🙂

Take care

Empty and lost and so lonely

Hope_for_the_best — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 11:42:47 GMT

Good to hear that you have a GP whom you feel comfortable to talk to. In regards to medication, if you have tried hard with your GP and there isn't a suitable one, then you may consider getting a referral to a psychiatrist.

Get well soon.

Empty and lost and so lonely

Piertotum_Locomotor — Mon, 17 Jul 2017 06:15:32 GMT

Hi HamSolo (love your name btw), thanks for responding to me and taking the time to read my stupid rant. I must say, we seem to have a lot of similar feelings/experiences (just based on what you've written in your reply). You mentioned that one of the things you do when you're feeling bad is to sleep it off. I do try to but I just have such a problem with sleeping. I'm so, SO physically exhausted but my sleep has just been absolutely horrendous in the last few years but especially lately (really vivid nightmares, can't fall asleep, can't stay asleep). These days I just try to binge watch a show or watch movies or try to read but tbh a lot of the time I just kind of zone out... I know that sounds sad but I just don't really want to do anything I guess? I know that's also part of the depression though.

As for my issues with psychologists/doctors, I'm trying to work up the "courage" (I guess?) to be honest to my doctor and try to ask for a referral or something but it's just so hard to even hand him a piece of paper. I tried to once but after I gave him the piece of paper, I couldn't really answer his questions honestly and I just kind of sat there. But yeah I'll get there one day I hope...

I'm glad my post has somehow made you feel less alone too; it certainly helps knowing some people relate to me (although that sucks too because I don't want anyone else to feel as s**t as I do).

Hope you're well.

- PL x

Empty and lost and so lonely

Piertotum_Locomotor — Mon, 17 Jul 2017 06:17:16 GMT

Do/can psychiatrists prescribe different meds than GPs? Maybe I'll bring it up with my doctor when I see him next.. but he did say that if these meds don't seem to be working then we may move on to putting me on several ADs rather than just one type. We'll see I suppose...

Hope you're well.

-PL x

Empty and lost and so lonely

james1 — Mon, 17 Jul 2017 06:48:25 GMT

Hey PL,

My GP was only happy to prescribe the most basic of medications. Sometimes they'll want to the help of a psychiatrist to prescribe something stronger or more complicated. I don't know if there's a rule for it, but that's how my GP operated.

I know I've spoken to you before here and you told me your name was to do with Harry Potter. Just wanted to let you know I'm glad to hear you're still trying to push along despite the stress you've had. You're not wasting anybody's time here and, in fact, you're echoing the thoughts of a lot of people here. Not just those who replied, but many who haven't replied as well. And hopefully, given strength to them by showing that we're not alone in our thoughts.

James

Empty and lost and so lonely

Hope_for_the_best — Mon, 17 Jul 2017 11:39:28 GMT

James has given you a good reply there. I have never been on medication myself but know others who are/have. Some of them needed several trials with their psychiatrists to find the best suitable combinations of medication for depression. Nevertheless, I would recommend going to a psychiatrist since he/she is specialised in mental health and has more experiences with medication. This increases your chance of finding the medication that works for you, rather than working from scratch with your GP. From what I know, some people do not respond well to medication and therapies that stimulate the brain can be helpful in these cases. Just to let you know that there are other alternatives even if you are unfortunate enough to be one of these people.

Empty and lost and so lonely

Piertotum_Locomotor — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 11:20:38 GMT

Hi James, I do remember telling you that and I'm surprised you still remember me! Certainly nice to know 🙂 so thank you for that and all your kind words and your advice as well. Hope you've been well with everything.

- PL x

Empty and lost and so lonely

Piertotum_Locomotor — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 11:22:16 GMT

Thank you for your reply again. Regarding the psychiatrists, that seems to make sense that they would be able to prescribe more "complicated" regimes. I'm just worried about costs... hopefully when I see my doctor things will get clearer.

Hope you're well.

- PL x

Empty and lost and so lonely

Piertotum_Locomotor — Wed, 19 Jul 2017 06:24:52 GMT

Just gonna post here because my mind feels a mess and I have an exam tonight and am freaking out even though I had so long to study I barely had any motivation/always lacked the concentration to study properly and the perfectionist side of me who only wants high distinctions is freaking out and now i'm freaking out and i just want to hide under a table and cry and sleep right now

sorry this is such a mess of a post but i just kind of need to rant somewhere again and idk i just kinda feel like punching myself in the face right now or just punching anything really but im already at uni and i just feel so panicky and gross

Empty and lost and so lonely

james1 — Wed, 19 Jul 2017 06:36:22 GMT

Hey PL,

It's okay. You've expressed yourself pretty well there and we can see you're really panicked and frustrated at yourself.

It sounds like you really need an outlet at the moment. Can you give the BeyondBlue support line or a friend a quick call to get some of that energy out?

Do you have any techniques for calming down when this happens? If you don't think you can do the exam, you could apply for special consideration. Perhaps if you gave your doctor a quick call to see if they could help you with that, you can then decide before the exam whether to sit it or not.

James

Empty and lost and so lonely

Piertotum_Locomotor — Wed, 19 Jul 2017 07:05:07 GMT

Wow I didn't expect such a quick reply from anyone so thank you

I don't do so well with phone calls unfortunately and this is already a deferred exam so I can't defer it anymore but the panic is kind of subsiding now so that's good I guess. I'm trying to repeatedly tell myself that even if the worst possible outcome happens (i.e. failing the exam), that just means I have to repeat the subject but I'm taking time off uni anyway and don't even know if I'll be back to doing this degree. So it's all gonna be okay right????? Oh god. Idk. It's gonna be fine. It's just an exam it's just an exam it's just an exam...

Empty and lost and so lonely

james1 — Wed, 19 Jul 2017 07:22:58 GMT

Hey PL,

I'm a bit of a perfectionist like you and my 4 year relationship collapsed literally the week prior to my final exams for honours, so I kind of get where you're coming from.

Thankfully for me, I had the benefit of having already started work and you're right. Even the worst possible outcome, really isn't that bad, especially when you don't even know if you want to continue down this path.

You've already shown us that you value your happiness more and that's great insight which can help you pursue that.

Yes, the exam will be okay. You'll probably do just fine. I know you said you've kind of got the straight A's student identity. People won't dislike you or hate you or even respect you less if you don't meet that. We just want the best for your happiness.

Have you got any hobbies to keep you busy after the exams?

James

Empty and lost and so lonely

Piertotum_Locomotor — Wed, 19 Jul 2017 16:40:43 GMT

Hi James, that really sucks... I'm sorry that happened to you, that must've been so tough to go through...

So the exam ended up being really hard and I did so badly... I know I already got at least a quarter of it definitely wrong because, of course, I decided to look up the answers for questions I was unsure about after I finished the exam. So there goes that high distinction score I guess... I'm just hoping I still at least pass the course now... But you're right. I know I shouldn't really care that much about what grade I get. Logically, I know people won't respect me less for it but I just feel even more worthless than usual without my good grades (wow that sounds kind of pathetic huh).

I'm going to try to get back into reading and maybe learning the guitar again now that I don't have uni and will only be working part time.

BTW, I think I've read on a couple other threads that you have BPD (I'm really sorry if that wasn't you!!!)? If you do, I wanted to ask you something about that - how did you get that diagnosed? Were you concerned about something and asked your GP who then diagnosed you with it? Sorry again if I got the wrong person...

Thank you for replying me earlier when I was freaking out 🙂 Really appreciate that

- PL x

Empty and lost and so lonely

james1 — Thu, 20 Jul 2017 00:28:20 GMT

Hey PT,

Ah hard exams can really suck the energy out of you 😞 I hope you got some better sleep last night. I was super busy cleaning and then basically zoned out on my xbox for a bit. Woke up when the rabbit jumped on my face.

I get it. When your self worth is tied in with your grades, for whatever reason, it's hard not to feel terrible about yourself. We just need to work on developing an alternative source of self worth, but that'll take time. In the meantime, I hope you don't mind me saying that I think your desire to be better and do better is very admirable. Perhaps you can make guitar your next mission, haha.

Yeah that's me. Umm, honestly I don't know how I came across it. Last year was pretty hazy. I think I knew something was up so I went to a psych (I skipped the GP until my psych told me about the rebates) and we started talking about some things. I had a look at Dr Google and this thing came up. Since then, I've had various yes/no diagnoses, but the treatment has always been BPD specific treatment, so I'll just go with a yes.

To be honest, I associate more with the symptoms than the diagnosis. It's why I'm here on the forums. I don't count myself as suffering from depression/anxiety even though I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder last year, but some of my BPD traits lead to really intense depressive and anxious episodes. So I sometimes also like to read about bipolar 2 and ROCD coping strategies because they could help me as well.

Why do you ask?

No problem 🙂 It was nice to see your name pop up again.

James

Empty and lost and so lonely

Piertotum_Locomotor — Thu, 20 Jul 2017 04:18:48 GMT

Hey 🙂 sleep was outta whack as usual last night but at least there were no vivid nightmares, so that's something positive I guess? Kinda ended up doing stupid things though last night. Was just feeling way too crappy about everything... oh well. Also, I had a little chuckle at your rabbit jumping on your face hahaha. Is it the one in your profile picture? Looks super cute!

Yeah, I know that I need to develop an identity outside of just having good grades because I can't really stay in school forever (nor do I want to, let's be honest). I'll work on it... But thanks for the kind words 🙂 indeed, maybe the guitar can be my next mission

I totally get what you said about associating more with the symptoms than the diagnosis. I'm asking about BPD because I feel like I relate to a LOT of the symptoms and it's been on my mind for the last at least 3 years that it may be something I 'have'? I'm just not really sure how I can even go about asking my GP about it. Especially when it takes me ages to even just tell him that I'm struggling more than usual and maybe my meds are not right. And I know I shouldn't label myself and all that but I just hate not knowing things. I guess maybe once I gather some courage somehow and actually start going to a psychologist to sort myself out, maybe having proper diagnoses could be helpful in terms of treatments etc. Do you still see a psychologist for it, if you don't mind me asking?

Hope you're well.

- PL x