topic existential and social anxiety - can you relate? in Long-term support over the journey

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

swtpotato — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 09:28:57 GMT

hi everyone,

I was posting on the welcome and orientation section but thought I should move things here as it's more on-topic.

So my mental health story: I have always been really introverted and spacey kinda kid but also very optimistic and idealistic. I grew up being really self-conscious and felt like there was something wrong with me but was pretty good at ignoring it.
I had this bad lsd trip (1.5yrs ago) which blew all of my insecurities way out of proportion. I had all this derealisation and depersonalisation and severe social anxiety which led me to develop IBS and chronic fatigue. I was obsessed with the concept of identity and meaning and thought it was impossible to truly connect with other people.

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

Pysis — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 10:25:56 GMT

Hi em

I'm glad I found your new thread. I really don't know much about drugs but I do know that they can cause a lot of problems for people including mental health isues and it sounds kind of like that's what's happend to you. I hope you know now that you can truely connect with people weather it's on here or in real life you defently can connect to people and I hope you do. I hope you've been doing ok.

thinking of you

Nath

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

swtpotato — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 11:42:48 GMT

Hi Nath I've been trying to post the second part of the post but apparently you can't do that... but I really would like to see if people relate to the kinds of difficulties I have been having.

Things are ok it's more of a creeping dread like feeling that is getting on my nerves.

But yeah the ast couple of days with the weirdness of the side effects those existential thoughts have started to come back for first time in months. Like intrusive thoughts about how we are just self-interested beings in our own bubbles colliding with one another but not really connecting, and fear of going back to that anxiety where I would be too aware of the gap between people and the absurdity of daily life. I am not too bad atm I don't believe these thoughts, don't have much social anxiety, but I still have a nagging quiet fear it will return to how it was before.
This all made me feel like there was something wrong with me (I know it's just anxiety), like I have never connected with others like other people have. I also feel embarrassed that these pseudo-deep quiet background thoughts are stopping me from just going out and doing things, I feel like I've just made it all up like there's this really simple solution that I just can't see. I haven't brought it up in therapy properly yet because I feel weird about bringing it into the external world or something.

So yeah anyone been through this and have tips on strategies and ways to bring it up at the psychologist?

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

Pysis — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 03:21:44 GMT

Hi em

be patient it will come up. I'm sorry your staring to feel like that again. The thing is you are right about us being self interested but we also care about other people we do what we need to to survive and keep going and part of that is having people there for us so we look after other people and there interests as well, we do conect on a very deep level sometimes and it dosent have to be a sexual thing either we are social creatures and we need that connection or our own mental health. When you have these thoughts interletualise the crap out of it that's what I do so we all know that we are looking out for our selfs but if you look at our behavioural patterns as a speices we need connections and we need other people so to look after our selfs and own needs we need to care for other people and make connections. I've had these thoughts as well but as time has gone on I have taught myself as much as I posablly can about human behaviour in order to put those worrys to rest it's hard it's something that takes a lot of time but it dose help. It's hard when we see other people making those conections with other people and people being in relationships but you will have that some day as well just be patient. We aren't compatible with everyone and the truth is we probably won't make very many deep conections with people but we will make them weather it be with friends family or a partner we will make conections both deep and not so deep but they are conections never the less.

Pin terms of bringing it up with your phycologist I would write down how you are feeling and your worrys that way you don't have to worry about forgetting anything or getting over that fear just give it to them at the start of the session and let them take it from there.

Wishing you well and I hope you know your not alone. you can always talk to me here when you need to.

Nath

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

swtpotato — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 03:30:23 GMT

Hey Nath,

It is so nice to hear your reply, it helps a lot.

I have been much better today and am less confused and afraid of it. It helps to know that other people feel like this sometimes too. I have a few really good relationships just when I am depressed I cannot access the good parts of it, it's like there's a wall between me and the rest of the world.

The other day I went into this bookshop and felt inspired by this art book, like I suddenly had access to the world again, was connected to other beings and things. This has gone away again but I feel like it will start to come back eventually once these meds start to work, and once my chronic fatigue starts to get better.

Thanks for your words Nath, it is really good to know I can post and get support here whenever I need to. I am also here to talk whenever u need.

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

Pysis — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 04:34:15 GMT

Hi em

im glad I could help just a little bit. I'm glad your feeling a bit better today. Yeah not not alone by any standards there are heaps of people that feel the same way. Depression is hard it isolates us, makes us feel like no one loves or cares about us and makes us doubt our selfs but we have to just keep reminding or selfs that it's the depression or anxiety that's talking and it's not reality it's hard becuase or minds have a lot of power but we can beat it. It's hard becuase most people don't understand so that's what I think disconnects us so much from every one.

hey you like art that's great I'm an artist as well as many other things my profile picture is one of my drawings. I'm sorry that that feeling didn't last very long but you will get back there and your not alone, I've had chronic fatigue before as well as my brother so I understand all about it.

your very welcome em and I'm always here to talk if you need me if you want to check out my thread it's " new and not sure what to do"

thinking of you

Nath

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

startingnew — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 09:59:21 GMT

Hi Em

ive found your thread here.

Being disconnected with things and people is a really common theme in people who suffer anxiety and depression. Its like 'I normally like that but I dont now whats going on..?
you feel as if your goning to connect and its going to be taken away.. is that right?

With my mental health I find that ive lost all interest in doing the things that I would usually like to do and I also find it hard to connect with others. Being on here has really helped me in boosting my confidence in talking to people.
Im not sure if you would believe it or not but in the real world I would hardly say anything, I would avoid people, talking to strangers was way out of the question and would send me into a panic attack.
And now with the help of others here, I am almost running my own business which means talking to people. And I believe even just talking on here and bosting your confidence talking to people on here will help you with your social anxiety too.

You said its not too bad right now, one of the best things you can do to help keep the social anxiety away is to keep talking to people, keep talking here, talk to your mentors and things. Dont go silent because thats when the insecuirites come back am I right?

What your experiencing doesnt sound weird at all and is definently something that your therapost can help you with and while it is a process and ot an overnight fix it is possible. About the way to bring it up, there really isnt a right or wrong way to rbing it up but since your stuck a way to bring it up is when they ask how youve been feeling you can say soemthing like 'ive been feeling abit strange, like im disconnected from others' they can lead the way from that.. what do you think..?

Please dont be afraid to speak up, the more you deny your own feelings and thoughts the more they try to haunt you. So please never be embarrassed if your struggling, there are so many people here struggling.

If im wrong in any aspect please do say something. I hope some of what ive written helps

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

swtpotato — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 13:01:20 GMT

Hi Startingnew,

Thanks this really does help.

Yeah you are right it is pretty confusing. The kind of anxiety I usually get is a sense of dread, or weirdness, like something's not quite right. It's like I am off balance, unsafe, and anything could happen and I wouldn't be able to deal with it. Sometimes this goes into panic attacks, but it is usually just an underlying feeling that follows me. Because it's not always super obvious and incapacitating it is hard to accept it is anxiety rather than something wrong with me or with reality. In that state my mind catches everything around me spinning and spinning and I start questioning who I even am. I have never felt a stable sense of identity I don't think, it really freaks me out sometimes.

Thanks yeah I do need the encouragement to keep talking to people, I have to force myself sometimes. Atm I don't feel like I get much out of it, but then I remember what it's like when I am just all by myself and I just can't handle that again.

Yeah I think I need to write things down and then go and give it to her. So far we've only talked about recent surface level things - like strategies to cope with fatigue, uni stress and tense relationships. She is pretty new so I am not super comfortable yet.

After that bad lsd experience I went from being socially anxious/manic but fine to the next day feeling like my brain had been taken apart and put back together with pieces missing - or more that it had brought the wrongness inside of me and in the world to my attention. I was living in a residential hall at the time with newish friends and suddenly could no longer bear other people's presence, it was like I could see all the phoniness in people's interactions and felt underlying panic all the time. I can't really remember if it was all like this it's a bit of a muddled blur.

Ahh just thinking about it makes me anxious and it was like a year ago. It also makes me realise that the mental health issues I've had are real and significant, when lately I've been feeling like some kind of fraud - like why can't I just go and be a person? Idk I have been really lazy lately, like studying only in bed, procrastinating all the time, even when I'm not that tired or actively depressed. I might fail a class and I don't really care.

I feel like I'm just drifting through life, always in my head..., avoiding actually confronting or experiencing anything...

I'm sorry I am just feeling a bit low tonight

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

Guest_1055 — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 23:30:06 GMT

Hi Em

I wanted to let you know you are not alone in your thoughts about feeling like you are living inside this bubble, as I often feel like this too. It is like you are living on this earth and you see others around you. But your person or soul cannot get through this prison of a bubble to touch another human. To me it's not a physical thing but rather something else. I guess a connection of ones heart to another. I felt like this while I was growing up also. I even felt like I was from a different planet and even adopted. So yeah I did not feel connnected to anyone at all then, well because of this bubble. However back then I did not understand the "bubble" thing. Just knew I was different somehow. To me it is like you are only existing and not really living. Do you feel like that too?

Other times I feel like I live in my imagination, like it's a story. So not real.

I also do not know who I am fully, so my identity . But I slowly am becoming more aware of this.

The wall you mentioned .... yes I have felt that too. Like the wall is too tall to climb over, too thick to punch through and one cannot dig out either. But you can see humanity living on the otherside, but you cannot join despite somehow wanting too at times.

I have never taken drugs so I cannot relate to that though.

I really liked reading your posts as I felt like you might understand my world. I understood what you were saying.

There is hope Em because one can live outside this bubble and connect with another. I am not always out of it though.

I know I have talked about myself, but my objective was to share it in hope you do not feel so alone and perhaps understood in some way.

Shell xx

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

swtpotato — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 03:17:44 GMT

Hi Shell,

You're spot on! That is exactly what it was like. Esp "connection of one's heart to another", seeing humanity living on the other side of the wall and feeling like you are making your life up. It's a terrifying prospect, I had no idea isolation could be so painful. This whole feeling doesn't happen very often anymore, but because of the AD side effects I've been feeling pretty similar and it just brought all of those memories and feelings back.

It's so strange that our minds can do this! All just as a stress response!

I think I do understand parts of your world Shell, and because of that I am so sorry about what you have had to go through, it is like living a nightmare. I remember telling my old psychologist that it was like being paralysed in ice. A lot of experiences of depression and anxiety I think you can only explain through metaphors.

One of my favourite songs is "Once in a lifetime" by the Talking Heads. I related to this soo much when I was feeling that way and was afraid I would go through life never knowing when the feeling would hit again. What do you think of it? (I don't feel like this too much anymore, things are more stable btw)

I get what you mean about living in your imagination. I've always been a dreamer - before my breakdown I was living in my fantasies and stories and feelings, I had beautiful vivid dreams, could immerse myself in other people's stories and books/movies. And then it was all gone and I thought - what have I actually created and done in the real world?

The other day I wanted to be told who I was so I did the MBTI personality quiz and got INFP again, then read this book about 'highly sensitive people'. I feel a bit strange about searching for labels, but these two really explain a lot of my experiences and thought patterns. I am trying to accept my natural way of reacting and processing things, it is different but it is ok.

Thank you for sharing your story Shell it helps so much to know you have had similar experiences, and I hope you continue finding your way out of the bubble too.

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

startingnew — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 04:47:15 GMT

Hi Em

im glad what ive written here as helped you.

Anxiety in istelf can be really confusing. Its not just something as simple as oh I have a test tomorrow and im nervous for it. These types of anxieites like to try and over run us with irrelevant worries but to us they are real. Because anxiety isnt a physical thing that you can see, its hard to understand and accept as well as getting other to understand how your feeling.

A lot of people inlcuding myself havent had or have lsot their sense of identity. Its like someone saying your name and your respond because thats all youve known but take the name away and leave you to your own self most of us will take a look and go who am I?

Thats ok you dont have to completley push yourself to the extent of panic attacks but keeping up with talking to people will help to ease your fears and eventually youll become more confident in doing this. Its not an overnight fix but by taking the right steps in recovery you can get better.

You know what.. Ive done exactly what you have said. Ive written down things that I havent been able to say out loud or sounds better on paper and handed it to my psychologist. They can work with this and really isnt an unuusal thing. Quite common really.

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

swtpotato — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 05:40:28 GMT

Hi startingnew,

It is confusing. Also talking about it here and reading other's experiences is helping to normalise it all more than ever before. I learnt growing up that if you felt anxious or depressed it was your own responsibility to go deal with it first before coming to others. We didn't talk about emotions at all, and my parent's thought if you talked about it it was just needlessly complaining about things. I'm sure plenty of people here relate to that. I didn't realise this wasn't healthy until I went to therapy.

I know plenty of people with mental health issues and we support each other but none of them have had any problems with social anxiety. I have only told one person about that weird feeling and they didn't understand at all, so I had no idea if it was a common feeling in depression/anxiety. I'm getting closer to accepting it, esp with this forum, though I still have plenty of angry and shameful feelings towards myself for letting it get like that - will improve with time.

I think just talking it out here will really help me stop myself from internalising all of these feelings like I am used to doing.

Thanks

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

Guest_1055 — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 06:46:20 GMT

Oh wow Em, you experience similar things in your life. I have never met anyone on this forum that had or has the same things. Oh wow. I too have done the Myers Briggs personality test along with a few other sorts....all to try and discover who I am. I believe I am the same personality type as you. There is a thread in here about that test, I am going to search for it.

I grew up in an non emotional home, emotions and feelings were something to push down inside yourself . Even crying was seen as something that was uncomfortable. It was this unseen thing that emotions were not expressed.

Are you very observant as well, like your surroundings around you? I also have mild anxiety or fear in social situations.

It is great you are taking about all this.

shell xx

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

swtpotato — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 07:50:48 GMT

That is what my home was like too - the only emotions we really expressed were anger and irritability. I love my family and I know they love me they just seem to deal with emotions differently to me.

What I think happened is that I just have a lot of emotions that I buried and internalised inside me - which led to a lot of chronic health issues (IBS and chronic fatigue) which after lots of work on myself to open up with people and family it has turned into more normal depression I think which is interesting.

That's so interesting that we fit into the same personality type and have similar presentations of mental illness, I wonder how much they are related.

Yes definitely. But not in a very useful way. I feel like I take in everything at once but process things in the back of my mind, I am overwhelmed easily by lots of things going on at once and find it difficult to focus on what people are saying, like I can't filter things out very well. So socialising with lots of people at once always just seemed to difficult and not interesting enough for me to join in when I find it more enjoyable to just observe. But then I start to feel I am not a true participant in life.

I feel like I question things a lot more than other people, I don't understand how people are so out of touch with their emotions, I always want to know how they are feeling, what they are learning, what has changed their perspective on things. Understanding myself and others is very important to me.

A challenge for me that I want to work on is trying to experience things just for the sake of experiencing, without reflecting or analysing it. I think meditation will help a lot.

Do you relate to this Shelley?

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

Pysis — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 08:58:01 GMT

Hi em hi shelly

wow you two sound very much like me it's really wierd. I have grown up being told that we keep our emotions hidden and we can't show them becuase it's a sign of weakness and crying God don't even think about it. I stuffed my emotions down for years and I ended up very angry all the time and I ended up sick a lot with stomach issues.

I get overwhelmed extreamly easily like I can't eat at restaurants or be in really busy places becuase of the noise and certain lights just make me dizzy. I can't filter out background noise either so I have to concentrate really hard to listen to someone if there is background noise do if I'm at a restaurant I can't have a conversation at all.

I have always questioned things and still fo or I do things differntly to what people expect and come up with completely differnt point of veiws. I'm very much the same em I am always interested in how other people are feeling and viewing the world, yeah understanding as much about myself and other people is somthing that's very important to me. I've found it hard to let people in over the years but once I do and I make that connection with them I can always tell how they are feeling and what's going through their heads like I'm unintentionally analysing their behaviour somewhere in the back of my mind.

thinking of you

Nath

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

Guest_1055 — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 09:05:40 GMT

Mmm yes I too had many emotions and feelings buried deep within my heart. As that was what was taught when growing up. Then a bit later on in my early twenties they exploded. Anger was a big emotion that came out. This one was scary one for me, as I did not like feeling it. In fact I needed to learn what all the emotions were called. There was no anger or irritability in my family. Nothing at all.

Mm about the socialising ... I may be a little different there to you. I hate small talk, can feel awkward and also sense other people's awkardness . I seem to pick up on people's feelings sometimes more then what they are saying in words. Or even the atmosphere of a room. I am extremely a feeling person and highly emotional.

About being a participant in life... yes I sometimes feel like a spectator just watching everybody else. I think that is when you feel like you are behind the wall or in that bubble . You can see others, maybe it is the connect thing again.

I am not sure about you but when I do feel a connectness it would be an attached feeling...like a feeling/ emotion connection. Except with you, as it feels a bit logical as well. There is something happening in the mind.

I find it a challenge to focus on things and can become quite scattered or side tracked. Like you I am also a dreamer.

Okay so right now my brain is getting a bit confused and all over the place. So I will end this post now.

And have you ever read the 5 love languages book, that was helpful to me. I will talk more, when my head is a bit clearer.

Shell xx

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

Guest_1055 — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 09:16:25 GMT

It does feel a bit weird doesn't Nath?

Yes come to think of it, I would do that sort of thing in a restaurant as well. It is like you are so tuned into your surroundings. I would notice everything around me. I would even notice the hardness of the seat I am sitting on. The musty smell in the air. Whatever... even a small ant crawling along the table. Others that I am with may be so focused on what they eating, or focused on talking.

Shell

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

swtpotato — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 09:40:16 GMT

Yes Shelley I hate that I can sense other people's awkwardness and anxiety, I start to feel it just as much as them. After being around people for too long I feel like I have to centre myself and separate what other people believe and feel and what I do, otherwise I get too caught up in pleasing or trying to be like others I think.

For e.g. my housemate gets very stressed a lot of the time, and I feel it so much and I want to help so much like I used to. we used to kinda date but not really also, like friends with added benefits but I was reallyy into him and I know more about what he has been going through than anyone else and him with me. Since I was depressed at the time and didn't feel like I had any personality myself I felt like I took on a lot of his likes/dislikes, opinions, feelings. He hid all of his emotions from others but I could feel when he was lying, when he felt uneasy or uncomfortable or depressed.

I think I became a little obsessed, like I would almost feel high just being around him because his energy was so intense and positive a lot of the time. But we also weren't very compatible and I felt worse about myself around him as I idealised him so much...

Anyway this was a weird experience as I thought I was asexual or even aromantic before I met him and suddenly had all of these feelings.

When I moved back to the city (after going home to recover) he started to completely blank me. He is cold to me a lot of the time, we don't talk anymore. Like it was nothing, and I know he is oblivious to how bad it makes me feel. I miss him a lot but sometimes that just happens I guess. I am now more free to be myself again and think about my own needs.

This has just been on my mind and is affecting me a lot so I wanted to talk about it. When people feel bad around me I am trying to remind myself: that is not mine. they don't want or need me to fix it. they are responsible for themselves.

Bit of a ramble again sorry but it helps me to process it.

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

Pysis — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 09:54:16 GMT

Yeah it dose I kind of thought I was the only person that was like this but apparently not.

yeah I notice everything cobwebs, patterns on the seat, the music playing, where the lights are hung and how they throw shadows, everything pretty much.

im a bit like you when I have a connection with someone it is on a emotion level and it is a deep conection there is some intellectual aspect that comes into it but it's more how they make me feel some people just make me uneasy like they have a differnt energy about them, so i don't tend to make friends easy becuase I need to form that conection and learn them I guess. And yeah I hate small talk I can have deep meaningful conversations all day long but stuff like talking about the weather or politics and stuff I just can't handle. And yeah I'm the same someone can say their fine for instance but I can instantly tell they arnt or sometimes I know the reason why people feel a certain way before they even do and once I explain why I think they feel that way they completely agree with me and are amazed that I knew that.

thinking of you

Nath

existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

swtpotato — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 10:16:33 GMT

hey guys,

I tried to post something before but it doesn't look like it has worked, I'll wait a bit longer to see.

Just wanted to say I know exactly what you both mean and have had similar experiences.

I always found it so strange how easily some people made friends, or more how easily some people were attracted to others - I'd be like, but you don't know anything about them??? How could they be attracted to you? Not sure if this is a different thing but I have always needed to have a strong emotional connection with someone before I was comfortable or attracted. It is pretty interesting.

Nath I get what you mean but I also think you are a lot more sensitive to these things then I am, it just comes across that way. It sounds like you are really intuitive.

Humans have this part of the brain that automatically mimics what other people are feeling or doing. In some people this is much stronger than in others so that they can feel other people's emotions as if they were their own.