topic alone and hated in Long-term support over the journey

alone and hated

christacat — Thu, 02 May 2013 03:49:46 GMT

I am 35 and possibly suffer undiagnosed depression and anxiety, possibly also autisim or asbergers (dont trust doctors or GPS so can't get an official diagnose). Have been told I need meds (too scared to take them), have anger issues, no social skills, am dumb and stupid, hard on myself, obsessive as well. Have had conselling on and off, haven;t seen one since 2009 after I had a panic attack/meltdown.(she didn't help at all,just smirked at me)

I don't fit in or belong anywhere. All through out primary school and high school, I was bullied alot and got into trouble alot too. I had the odd friend here and there, but no one I could connect to. Would try different hobbies-as i got told by consellors I had back then- but got teased for them and never found anyone on the same wavelength....it is the same today. No matter which site I go to for people who share my interests, or a group in 'real life' I never fit in, am the butt of everyone's jokes, anyone I reach out to just rejects and uses me. Then comes the 'teasing' over my hobbies and interests, that I am obsessive, that my hobbies suck. I had to leave a web site I was at for nearly four years-was just sick of the constant rejection from others and never felt like I fitted in and used by everyone who i thought liked me.. Now yet again I have nowhere else to go and feel lost, losing interest in things, because what's the point? I had no one to share them with. I got slagged off for them all the time, I tried to take pride in them and liked myself, not caring what others think but I still don't have anyone to connect to, I don't get along with my own age group either, especially with people I work with, they just go on about parties and drinking and barely notice I am around.

I am at a lost at what to do anymore. I worry so much over this, I barely leave the house sometimes (I dont see the point, i have no one to hang out with and i just get teased for being wierd) and feel suicidal on and off. , please don't suggest conselling or meetups.com (had a panic attack two years ago before I was meant to go to a meetup, now the group wants nothing to do with me) or meds.

alone and hated

DebA — Sun, 05 May 2013 02:55:39 GMT

The only thing I can say is that you're not alone.

A lot of those thoughts and feelings I share too.

It's the sense of not belonging anywhere and the loneliness that I find the hardest.

You sound like an adventurous person despite the anxiety. You get out there and give things a go. Give yourself credit for that.

I think this is a safe place to share your thoughts and feelings so keep doing so.

alone and hated

geoff — Mon, 06 May 2013 20:19:02 GMT

hello, you mention the word 'obsessive' which is related to depression and anxiety, which then means OCD obsessive compulsory disorder, and I am just wondering whether you have this or not. You can google it and it will tell you what it means, so then you can identify as something you have or not.

All of those words you call yourself is being a bit hard on yourself, and although depression does make us think that we are all of these, they may not be correct.

Everybody is different and not all personalities are able to get on, no matter what, some will rub us up our back that we don't like, or some will contradict what we believe to be right or wrong.

Would you like to tell us a bit more about yourself, such as your hobbies and interests, I would really like to know you better, and I won't bite, and my little dog just wants a pat, and then she will probably lick you, she loves people, especially little kids, as her tail continually wags. Geoff.

alone and hated

christacat — Wed, 08 May 2013 04:49:54 GMT

That's the thing Geoff...I hate talking about myself and my hobbies to people. Due to what's gone in the past when I have opened up to others about myself, as soon as I do this, all I get is WHY DO YOU LIKE THAT FOR? IT SUCKS. etc etc. It goes as far as back as when I was 14 when the the bullying over my hobbies at school was pretty bad, I just started to hide things. It still happens today whenever I open up to anyone. Even though you said 'I won't bite' I still won't tell you.I am too scared

alone and hated

Eddie — Sat, 11 May 2013 12:32:07 GMT

Hello christacat

My name is Eddie and I can relate to what you said about not fitting in anywhere and not finding people in your wavelength.

I've been the same all my life. I'm now 30 and I've never had a friend my whole life. I'm totally alone now, even my family have become very distant.

I wish we could get in contact, even if it's just to have somebody to talk to. My loneliness is literally driving me insane. I think this website should be a place for troubled people like us to find others to talk to rather than just a forum for posting stuff.

alone and hated

Claude — Sun, 12 May 2013 09:19:47 GMT

Christacat, you are not alone in your feelings. You need to find the "good" things you do, and don't say there are none. You must love doing something, reflect on why you love it, the feelings it brings you. Concentrate on the good feelings, when those bothersome thoughts start nudging in, it is just a thought, it is not the truth, bring in a thought which is good and is the truth. Takes lots of practice, but hang in there,

alone and hated

Neurotypical — Sun, 12 May 2013 18:35:34 GMT

Hey Cristacat.

You sound very much like a friend of mine. Finding people who won't degrade you for your interests and mannerisms and personality in general can be difficult if you're a bit of an oddball. I'm aspie -- or at least so says a fancy, ten page report written about me as a kid -- so I vaguely know the feeling of having strange interests and very few people to talk to about them. Thankfully I found a fairly normal hobby that suited me -- online gaming, more specifically League of Legends -- and that got me socialising a bit over skype, which has been enormously helpful to my mental health and my ability to socialise. On Skype I don't feel compelled to talk if I don't want to or if I don't feel comfortable, and it lets me listen and learn from people having normal conversations. Anyhow, little of that may be relevant to you, I'm probably just rambling here.

I can completely understand your fear of opening up, given the abuse -- I think that's an appropriate word here -- that you've suffered in the past for it. I rarely tell people about myself in social situations these days. I much prefer to ask pointed questions of whoever I'm talking to, and make them open up to me instead. It's a skill I picked up from a particular friend of mine, and I honestly doubt my ability to function without it.

You said that you don't trust doctors. What do you mean by that? Do you not trust them in the sense that you don't trust their diagnosis of you? Or do you not trust them with personal information about you? Or perhaps you don't trust them not to be just as degrading as everyone else about stuff? I don't mean to pry, it's just kind of interesting.

You also said not to suggest meetups.com --a site I'd never heard of, by the way. Have you checked out other meeting/social sites? I made a profile on one about a year ago, and I was very surprised by how much I had in common with some people on there -- in more important ways than just hobbies and interests. I didn't end up meeting up with anyone on there, mainly because I had no interest in doing so, but I was quite consoled to know that there actually are people in the world -- and even just in my city -- who are similar to me.

alone and hated

Vegetarian Marshmallow — Mon, 13 May 2013 09:45:10 GMT

I think you should be confident in the merits of your own interests. The criticism you receive about them may not be meant as harshly as you may take it. And I even think maybe it shouldn't matter, anyway.

There's this kid at the organisation I volunteer at who seems to look up to me. He recently found out I'm an atheist, and started mocking me a little for it. We just had some banter back and forth and that's about it. He still thinks I'm cool and seeks approval from me ("Look what I can do! Are you watching? Are you watching?")

A friend of mine hates some bands I like, and likewise I hate some bands he likes. But we're still in a band together 😛

My brother has a really dumb sense of humour, but he's still my brother.

I have differing opinions with friends about various issues like immigration, gender issues, religion, philosophy, and other politics, but we're still friends.

alone and hated

christacat — Tue, 14 May 2013 00:00:04 GMT

Claude said:
Christacat, you are not alone in your feelings. You need to find the "good" things you do, and don't say there are none. You must love doing something, reflect on why you love it, the feelings it brings you. Concentrate on the good feelings, when those bothersome thoughts start nudging in, it is just a thought, it is not the truth, bring in a thought which is good and is the truth. Takes lots of practice, but hang in there,

There were good things I liked...but what's the point in liking them? I get teased for them and I have no one to share them with

alone and hated

christacat — Tue, 14 May 2013 00:20:22 GMT

Neurotypical

I tried to find likeminded people online who shared my hobbies but they ended up being teenagers or in their twenties-it made me feel even more guilty because I was older than them-need to be with people my age, but of course people my age treat me like a freak., I couldn't go to their group meetups because I am too old and what if the kids run off to Mummy and Daddy saying that an older person was meeting up with them? I felt left out when they started bragging about meeting up and doing this and doing that, and I couldn't be a part of it.

Plus I got used by them, they didn't want a friendship, they just talked to me unless they wanted something. Anyway I had to leave that place two weeks ago & deleted my account, I was sick of the drama, sick of being treated like a joke to them. I feel worse because there is nowhere else to go for me at all now. No social/meetup sites, nothing. Feel like I have tried them all and only run into drama.You're lucky you've found somewhere online or a group online. I have been trying since my mid 20's and I just run into crap all the time, must be me. Maybe I just don't deserve anyone likeminded as friends.

I don't trust doctors because ages ago I blabbed to a ';friend' I was suicidal. the friend told my mum, Mum dragged me to the family doctor. Doctor asked me why I felt this way, told him I was alone etc and he just laughed at me. Haven't been to any doctors since,. I just dont trust them.

alone and hated

christacat — Tue, 14 May 2013 00:22:40 GMT

what's the point? it still won't bring me the likeminded friends i yern for, i will still get teased.

alone and hated

geoff — Tue, 14 May 2013 01:04:48 GMT

dear Christacat, I appreciate how you feel, and understand your fear, that's alright, if you keep reading other posts as to how other people are suffering, we always hold something back, because we too are a bit scared, but that's only my point of view. Geoff.

alone and hated

christacat — Tue, 14 May 2013 08:02:13 GMT

Rodentdron said:
I think you should be confident in the merits of your own interests. The criticism you receive about them may not be meant as harshly as you may take it. And I even think maybe it shouldn't matter, anyway.

There's this kid at the organisation I volunteer at who seems to look up to me. He recently found out I'm an atheist, and started mocking me a little for it. We just had some banter back and forth and that's about it. He still thinks I'm cool and seeks approval from me ("Look what I can do! Are you watching? Are you watching?")

A friend of mine hates some bands I like, and likewise I hate some bands he likes. But we're still in a band together 😛

My brother has a really dumb sense of humour, but he's still my brother.

I have differing opinions with friends about various issues like immigration, gender issues, religion, philosophy, and other politics, but we're still friends.

I have been with people who didn't share my interests in the past, and it's ended badly-I could not connect to them, they would always tease me, treat me like a freak. I would never badmouth THEM over their hobbies but they did it to me all the time! The 'teasing' I got from my last 'real life' friend over my hobbies was always harsh ..last time he did it, I just ignored him and never spoke to him again. I guess you want me to be with people I can't even form a connection to, is that what you're saying? Do you know what I have been through? No.

alone and hated

christopher — Thu, 16 May 2013 15:02:08 GMT

Hey Christacat, I have been to the bottom pretty bad and it's hard to get up, but you have to and having to means you trying to help your self. I see you dont like GP's or counseling, Some times you have to try and move forward, you have to take a punt and for you that punt is your GP and possibly medication, your whole life may change with this help. I have read all your reply's and you are blocking nearly every suggestion put forward. You have to lift your self above this negativity and go for it, you have a lot more to gain than lose. I and many people on this site would love to hear how you are moving forward. Take care and continue to chat.

Chris.

alone and hated

Nicki — Fri, 17 May 2013 01:17:06 GMT

Hey Christacat, I am a 45 year old female and have been ploughing the depths of depression and anxiety in a severe way for for the past 3 years. I have also recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Although this diagnosis sounded incredibly shocking to me and I still struggle with thoughts about how I'm going to climb this particular mountain as well, it has been surprisingly relieving that their is a reason for my actions and behaviours. I am lucky to have a very supportive psyche doc who is constantly barraged by my insecurities and neuroticisms and very aware of my lack of extreme lack of trust in people. I also read alot. Their are some really great books to be found that can help you.

I frequently question my purpose on earth but I am still here fighting.

Hang in there and keep waiting for that ray of sunshine to pierce your heart when you least expect it. I'm trying!

alone and hated

Vegetarian Marshmallow — Sat, 18 May 2013 11:11:57 GMT

There were good things I liked...but what's the point in liking them?

The point is that you like them! Sure, some things are more fun with other people, but some things are fun by yourself, and maybe more so. If you really do never find anyone to share your "weird" interests with, you can still do them by yourself. And you can always take up more interests, yourself. Surely there is some "more normal" community activity you would enjoy.

I couldn't go to their group meetups because I am too old and what if the kids run off to Mummy and Daddy saying that an older person was meeting up with them?

I think that would only happen if you lied about your age in the first place, or you tried to molest them or something. Depending on what this interest group is, age might not matter that much. A chess club, for instance, will have 70 year olds playing against 14 year olds. I'm in a community choir where everyone else is 20-40 years older than me.

What are these strange hobbies of yours? I have friends who are into Dungeons & Dragons, LAN parties, cosplay, etc. and they're in their late 20s to late 30s.

Doctor asked me why I felt this way, told him I was alone etc and he just laughed at me.

I doubt he was laughing at you. Maybe he was laughing at *the problem*, because it's such a common one. Probably thinking something like "Heh heh, don't we all? Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that one..". He might have been attempting to be charming and amiable, and attempting to convey that it's *alright* to feel that way, and that it's no big deal and you're not a freak for feeling lonely.

alone and hated

Vegetarian Marshmallow — Sat, 18 May 2013 11:21:08 GMT

I guess you want me to be with people I can't even form a connection to, is that what you're saying?

I think this is a myth: "the person I can't create a connection to". I find it hard to imagine a person who I wouldn't have *some* kind of common ground with. You just have to avoid walling yourself off from people - "Oh, he hates my football team, so he's completely different to me". "Oh, she doesn't share my religion, so she's completely different to me". "Oh, they like Two & A Half Men, so they're completely different to me.". "Oh, he's a neo-nazi, so he's completely different to me". "Oh, she tried to kill herself, so she's completely different to me". There's too much stuff happening in the space of a lifetime, to have nothing in common with someone.

alone and hated

The_Real_David_Charles — Sun, 19 May 2013 06:17:10 GMT

Dear Rodentdron,

The bird has flown the coop.

"christacat" posted on the Community Board 24 or 48 hrs ago to say he/she felt like opening up and trusting on BB was a bit too challening/unempathetic. Moderator B did a spiel about communication but I guess that person wanted less didactic reasoning and more "Ah, there - does it hurt ?" type of responses as I did last month from yourself.

I know you mean well but thought you should know about the other posting. BTW I am much better although one of my brothers has now been missing for 4 months. LIke I said, other factors that you don't know about come into play sometimes. We can only do so much. The site is too sectioned to keep tabs on everything.

Adios, David.

alone and hated

christacat — Sun, 19 May 2013 11:06:18 GMT

and this is why I am too scared to post here anymore, I have tried to help myself, you know?

alone and hated

christacat — Mon, 20 May 2013 09:21:40 GMT

Rodentdron said:
The point is that you like them! Sure, some things are more fun with other people, but some things are fun by yourself, and maybe more so. If you really do never find anyone to share your "weird" interests with, you can still do them by yourself. And you can always take up more interests, yourself. Surely there is some "more normal" community activity you would enjoy.

Sick of doing them 'by myself'. have done it to death.

Nah, can't be bothered to take up more interests. they'll just cause the same crap, I will get teased for them...I have even tried more normal things like art, still the teasing and loneliness happens. I can't be bothered anymore. I think it is better to hate everything and have no interests whatsoever, they just cause crap in my life.

I think that would only happen if you lied about your age in the first place, or you tried to molest them or something. Depending on what this interest group is, age might not matter that much. A chess club, for instance, will have 70 year olds playing against 14 year olds. I'm in a community choir where everyone else is 20-40 years older than me

What are these strange hobbies of yours? I have friends who are into Dungeons & Dragons, LAN parties, cosplay, etc. and they're in their late 20s to late 30s.

.

I would never molest them or lie about my age. But I am still too old to hang out with them. I just feel guilty for it. I know I need friends my age..but of course people my age think i am a dumb freak.

And like I told Geoff here, I will tell you the same thing...I am too scared to tell you about my hobbies.