topic I Don't Even Know Anymore... in Long-term support over the journey

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

BenignSky — Thu, 01 Jun 2017 08:36:08 GMT

Hey, guys,
I've been drifting around in the social sector of Beyond Blue but decided to post on here. The title really says it all. I'm unsure of everything and anything.
My name is Emily (or Em or any other nickname you wanna call me) and I'm fifteen years old, yes I'm still a baby. I don't really know what's going on with me, but I can tell you, I've been through a lot. From bullying, body image issues, sexual assault twice, friendship issues, online issues, relationship issues, losing loved ones, random and so few panic attacks, self harm and what I can only describe as an eating disorder yet not professionally diagnosed - I've had a good share of what life has to offer.
My issue, at the moment, is this. My friend (A) was dating this girl (B). B, had been lying about some serious issues, a lot of which I've had experience with. It is believed that B isn't telling the truth and for good reason, but there must be a reason for the lies - right? Anyway, A and B broke up a few weeks ago and A made this group chat online with my friendship group for support because he was all over the place. Anyway, basically it turned into a place to plan attacks on his ex girlfriend. I'm not like that. So, me being me, went and said something to a teacher because I can't let something like that happen. Like, yeah, she did something horrible but at the same time, she doesn't deserve to get treated like that. Word has gotten back to my friends that I told the teachers and now I'm about to lose everyone so today is fun.
I get it was a bad move on my half, and pretty disloyal to my friends, but my morals will always win.
And bloody hell, now random people are messaging me and I've made a right mess of myself.
And I'm gonna lose everyone that I care about and I'm gonna be alone again and I'm frustrating more and more people. I'm awesome at relationships, did I mention that? Seriously, all my friends are avoiding me now.
Why do I do this to myself, argh...
And this is one of the many reasons I hate myself.
It's taking me so long to write this post because I'm dealing with it as we speak.
There's so much more I wanted to say on here but my life has just been consumed by this...dark cloud known as social media and loneliness. I went against my parent's advice by bringing this up with my teachers when I should've just left it but I didn't want to be involved and I can't let bullying happen, especially when I know B isn't coping.
Why do I do this to myself?

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

BenignSky — Fri, 02 Jun 2017 05:19:44 GMT

Hey again,

I guess this is just my place to vent and hope that someone finds whatever I say useful or meaningful in some way. I want everyone to know that you're not alone in how you feel.

Do you ever feel like you're in a fishbowl? That you're not experiencing anything but just kind of existing and watching everyone else around you? That no one would notice if you were to disappear?

It's a pretty weird and horrible feeling, isn't it?

Do you ever get ridiculously lonely as well? Do you ever become dependent on people? Do you ever fall in love with the right people, wrong time? Or wrong people, right time?

I've never felt so isolated before. I didn't know you could lose everything. I didn't know you could feel so detached and unloved so quickly. Is it just me?

I feel so insignificant sometimes. Sometimes I feel like the people around me are too good for me, that they deserve better, that I'm not enough and never will be.

You want to cry and hurt everyone and break everything you come into contact with - but you want to love and be happy and mend the things you've broken.

Its so confusing.

I wish I had someone I could always count on. I wish I didn't have to make the first effort to talk to everyone. I just want someone to care and mean it. I don't want to be played anymore.

i want a hug.

i want to be happy.

i just want to mean something to someone, anyone who will have me.

i hate this. This constant battle between your mind and reasoning. It's not like people don't care about me - I'm sure they do, I just....nothing will ever be enough for me, will it?

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

white knight — Fri, 02 Jun 2017 06:35:05 GMT

Hi benignsky, welcome

I'm much older, 61 ,but I've had this internal conflict similar to yours.

It was a moral fight. I issued parking fines onto a politicians car. I was told the next day to cease doing so by my boss. I thought "too bad, unemployed and pensioners have to pay their fines so can he".

Eventually I had a panic attack and never worked in that profession again.

I went to therapy. He taught me that life is not so black and white, that people have various shades of grey. This means that theoretically you will always fall out with everyone because your only moral compass is your own!. Other people have a different moral compass and they think they have the tight moral standards compared to you.

My therapist taught me that turning a blind eye and I would have kept my job. But in order to not do what I was directed to doThere was an alternative. I could have told my bosd "I dont agree with that so how about you patrol that street and I'll do the others".

So, in your case friend "b" had made the decision to lie to "a". Thats between them. Its not a decision you would make but "a" isnt your boyfriend.

This is basically not getting too involved in others relationships.

And going to the teacher is only if safety or bullying etc js happening.

Now time us your only healer. Allow time to fix it all and nurture your friendships. You might well be of good moral standing but to a point whereby you are seen as disloyal to friends.

There is a middle ground in order to keep friends.

In the meantime take a break from social media to let it all die down. What you cant read wont hurt you.

It'll be fine in a few weeks.

Tony WK

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

ahw309 — Fri, 02 Jun 2017 08:10:34 GMT

Hey Em,

So much of what you've written in your posts (here and in the Friends Cafe) makes me wonder whether you've been reading my mind hahaha because a lot has really resonated with me, and I'm sure with many others here too.

Tony WK has given some good advice. Relationships of any kind are so hard, and the situation you're in sounds really difficult. I really admire your courage and genuine care for others. My morals always win too...

I know this probably doesn't mean anything as I'm just this random online stranger who doesn't even know you, but you do mean something to me. And by the way, I love reading your posts - I think you're a pretty damn amazing person.

Not quite as good as a real one, but can I send a virtual hug? or two?

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

BenignSky — Fri, 02 Jun 2017 12:20:56 GMT

Hey Tony,

Thanks for the warm welcome, too, greatly appreciated.

Yeah, I get what you mean, and I appreciate your advice, it's just really hard, you know, when you're watching someone get berated by people you call your friends. And it's almost considered guilt by association in this respect, so a lot of stuff has been said about my friendship group. It's petty and silly and nothing to worry about; just sucks because I've lost all my friends...again...because I'm an idiot...

Bullying has been happening against this girl. They planned attacks on her as a group, then went about and posted stuff about her or messaged her privately as individuals. It was getting too much and I could see it was having a horrible impact on her. I don't like people being hurt...and if that's the case then those other people aren't friends I want in my life.

I'm giving social media a rest because I just can't deal with life anymore. I have no motivation to go to work, complete homework, school, gym, make an effort with friends and family - I just want to sleep, stay in bed.

Thanks again for your advice, and I appreciate you reading my long posts haha. And 61 isn't old, shhh.

- Em

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

BenignSky — Fri, 02 Jun 2017 12:28:26 GMT

Hey, ahw,

I'm glad what I've been saying hasn't made me sound insane and other people know what I'm talking about haha. I'm sorry for the struggles you're dealing with if you're finding what I've been saying familiar; I know how it feels and it's terrible.

The good moral thing always trips me up, and very few people seem to have the same moral compass. It's just frustrating. Seeing as I'm one of the leaders in the school too, I can't afford to be associated and involved in these groups. If I can prevent a situation from escalating or damaging people, I'll take the correct steps. Even if it means I'm the target and I lose my friends. It's nothing I haven't heard before. And thank you, but I'm far from courageous - I am a very genuine person though, aha.

No, every compliment counts, haha, thank you, it means a lot to me. I feel like I'm losing everyone. My US friend told me earlier that I'm pulling him down too much and I'm focusing on myself too much and we are losing our connection; he kept apologising to me, (he's been here before), and I feel so bad about it, because I just want him to be happy. He deserves so much more than me. I just wanted someone to talk to, to support me, and I broke him. Just like every other person.

You're a pretty cool person too, aha.

And yes, send as many hugs as you want - that's all I need right now, and a good cry, maybe chocolate. Thank you so much for your support.

- Em

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

james1 — Mon, 05 Jun 2017 14:35:53 GMT

Hey Em,

I noticed you said you were really struggling in the Cafe tonight. Did you want to share what's been bothering you here? I know it's not the same as having someone to talk to, and that night time is often when we feel we need someone most, but sometimes it can help to put things down on paper.

I'm sorry, I don't know if you've mentioned it already, but do you have a school counsellor you could also talk to at recess or lunch?

James

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

BenignSky — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 07:55:19 GMT

Hey, James,

I'm feeling lost and alone and scared and unwanted and unloved and not needed and disgusting and helpless and hopeless and idiotic and desperate and needy and clingy and so, so messy. I can't get my mind to stay quiet, I'm always hearing I'm not good enough, I take everything as a personal attack on me, I just need something solid in my life, I am so bloody stressed with school and work and gym and my injuries and finding time to relax and eat right and sleep.

I miss having someone to stay up late and talk to me. I lost the person who would talk to me (he's too busy and hates disappointing me). He's the only time where I feel at peace and quiet. And now he's gone, for I don't know how long, he said a week, and this week is just dragging. I just want to talk to him. I feel so close to him and when we talk he's always so warm and I feel him hugging me. But at night I feel cold, and I shake. I want him to come back, he eases me and calms me down. I've made him feel terrible though because he thought he wasn't helping me, that I was disappointed when he couldn't talk - obviously I was upset but I get he's busy and that I'm not his top priority - or any priority of his - but if he is happy and enjoying life then that's all I care about. My needs come last, my wants don't matter. I just miss him so much.

I miss flirting and feeling special to someone, and beautiful and sexy. I miss being wanted. I miss feeling like there's only me and one other person in the world. I trust people too easily, I get attached to people to easily, and no matter how bad people treat me, I will always be loyal and love them to the day I die. I give too much of myself to people, and expect them to give just as much back, but who am I kidding? I mean nothing to no one, I'm just the background, I'm not important, no one needs me - not at the moment anyway.

I just want a hug man. I want sleep and a hug and for everything to be quiet and wake up in the morning with someone's arms around me, knowing that they won't leave. But in the end everyone leaves right? We are not permanent.

It's like I don't exist, and hey, maybe I don't. Maybe I am just a figment of imagination but everything feels so effing real to me.

I feel so invisible and insignificant.

People can leave me too easily. No one has ever loved me like I love them, whether that's friendship or romantically. I just get used.

I don't get why I'm here. What my purpose is.

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

BenignSky — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 08:03:31 GMT

Sorry, I ran out of space to answer your question (and I forgot whoops).

School counsellors aren't that great at my school. There's no one I really trust, and they always ask me what I want out of this. I don't know what I want, that's why I'm coming to you?? I feel like they look down on me, condescending or something. I don't know, I just don't like the people we have.

I've been withdrawing a lot from people these past two weeks.

I feel myself slipping and I gotta claw my way back. I don't have the energy for this.

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

james1 — Wed, 07 Jun 2017 01:00:14 GMT

Hey Em,

Oh your post is so very sad. You sound like you're there but really slipping away. Here's my hand to hold on to for a little while at least.

Have you ever watched Silver Linings Playbook?

There's one quote in that which I always thought applied to me, and it comes screaming through your post as well: "I do this! Time after time after time! I do all this sh*t for other people! And then I wake up and I'm empty! I have nothing!"

I don't want to harp on about how we should do things because we learn things for ourselves, but I did want to ask something. "My needs come last, my wants don't matter." Is this what you really really want? Or is this just how things are right now?

I'm learning at the moment that putting myself last actually kind of sucks. I do it all the time - even in my psych sessions, I'm trying to make sure she feels useful, even if it means messing up my own life a bit. Of course, that doesn't turn out so well for me.

But I'm trying to challenge that by putting myself first every now and then because I'm learning that I can't be truly happy if I don't look after myself. Everyone will always disappoint me because I'm looking for a kind of love that doesn't exist in a healthy relationship.

Counselling can be really tricky. I understand where you both come from - you're confused and wanting help and guidance, but they're not offering it. Yet they don't know your story and how willing you are to put effort in to see change. If you think about it like school: teachers want to know how much effort kids are willing to put in to their study so they can best tailor the study schedule, and also know when to encourage and when to push. On the flip side, the students are often discouraged by the lack of involvement from the teacher.

Only you really know how much energy you have left in reserve, but I do believe that you've got the desire to push through. If it's not with these counsellors, we'll find someone else to be there with you.

Can we start here instead? Your family and GP - do they know what you've been struggling with?

James

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

james1 — Wed, 07 Jun 2017 01:33:45 GMT

Hey Em,

Sorry I just read on the cafe that you're seeing your psych tomorrow.

Do you think it will be good to talk about what's been happening recently? I sometimes actually ask my psych how she thinks she can help me, when I'm feeling so demotivated. It helps me to know that someone knows what's happening, when I have no clue.

James

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

BenignSky — Wed, 07 Jun 2017 01:36:42 GMT

I just need something physical and know that someone cares. "If people care about you, they'll make an effort to keep you in their life." No one cares about me, honestly. No one has made any effort with me. I tried rekindling my friendship with a friend, I hadn't spoken to her since she got back from her holiday, and she brushed me off, wasn't excited to see me, completely dissed me. No one is here for me. It's horrible and it sucks so much.

I wish I could hold your hand - you know how long it's been since I've had physical contact with someone? And I don't mean bumping into someone but intentional like "here I am look we are touching" contact. When you see everyone else hugging one another and crawling over each other and being stupid together and you're on the outer edge having no one do any of that with you, you feel like something is wrong with you - that you're disgusting and wrong.

Yeah, I think I watched it ages ago. I like the quote, because it does certainly capture how I'm feeling. I give myself to everyone and everything and I always put in 100% effort into all that I do - I got Above on an assignment and I'm redoing it because it wasn't my best work. I have stayed up all night taking care of my friends who have been in bad places, and talking to them, so they know someone cares and someone loves them. I'm always there for people, I'm always encouraging them, I'm constantly complimenting people because I know how far a kind word can go but no one is there for me. Everyone is so fake in this world. I can be there for everyone and give them all that I have, but when I need someone, when I'm up at night contemplating as to why I'm here and weighing my self-worth on how happy I make people and how much stress I cause people, and when I message someone asking for help, everyone is suddenly too busy.

No, that's not what I want, but that's what it is. My needs and wants don't matter to anyone. No one listens to me, no one wants to discuss things with me about anything and everything. Whenever I'm happy no one cares, whenever I'm sad, no one cares except to get the gossip then they leave. I just want someone to pay attention and tell me that they care about me, you know? I mean, is that so bloody hard to ask for?

I've never really had a best friend or someone I can rely on and that's really hard when I see all these people with friends they've known since they were little, or they just have this connection that I want.

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

BenignSky — Wed, 07 Jun 2017 01:55:50 GMT

Continuing on from the last post, sorry, ran out of space.

I always put myself last because I just don't care anymore. I honestly couldn't care less. I don't value myself. My priorities? Family, my friend in the US and animals, school, homework, work, housework, etc etc. I'm at the bottom of the list.

It's not even about someone loving me, but more along the lines of knowing my love for someone can make them so happy, it's insane. It's not even about me. I can't be selfish, I might like to talk about myself, but I'm not selfish. I've given up seats for people, moved groups so friends can be together and I'm the one alone. I've done so much and always put everyone else above me, because I don't see myself as valid. No one else sees me as valid so why should it matter?

I've gone to the counsellors before and they've done absolutely nothing. I've tried talking to them about stuff, but no one gets it. It feels like they're talking down to me. My school is reactive, not proactive. Even then, when crap happens, they still don't do anything, it's ridiculous. It angers me. There's so much fault in this process, and there's so much they can change but they never listen.

Yeah, my family knows how much I've been going through with my assault, and I bring up friendships and loneliness with mum and stuff, but they don't know how empty I feel on the inside.

Right now, I'm in class and no one is sitting next to me. At all. I've been sitting alone all day today. How can I not feel lonely?

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

james1 — Wed, 07 Jun 2017 02:08:06 GMT

Hey Em, I care about you. And that's not just me-caring-about-everyone caring about you, but I would love to see you find your version of happiness.

Sometimes we can find ourselves quite isolated and alone and it's hard to know why, so we blame ourselves. But rather than seeing it as a matter of being "not enough", it can be more helpful to look at it from the perspective of, "what brings me happiness which is entirely in my control?"

That is not to say we discount emotional connection entirely though.

One of my happiest moments last year was when I was chatting to this lovely lady, also around my age, on the ferry from Manly to Circular Quay. I don't know her name or anything, but we were two strangers who happened to sit opposite each other and had enough in common to chat on the ferry then also on the train. We never had any intention to meet up again or anything, but that connection was built and I was happy.

That bit of happiness came about because I decided I needed to get better at talking to strangers. I wanted to just be able to say hello to a stranger on a train. It had nothing to do with making myself more appealing to others - it was just a thing I wanted to get better at, for myself.

Is that maybe something you could consider with your psychologist beside you? What do you want for yourself, which is entirely in your control?

I honestly think that once we start to focus more on these things, we find ourselves surrounded by people more like us, and thus more supportive and kind and understanding of who we are. Until then, we are a bit of an enigma to everyone and people don't know what to do with that.

James

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

BenignSky — Wed, 07 Jun 2017 02:32:26 GMT

It just feels like no one cares. And I am so close to just giving up on everything and anything. I am so close to the end of my tether. I literally just bolted from class because people were joking about sexual harassment/assault/rape and when I pulled them up on it, they were joking about how I was 'triggered'. This is a week after I opened up to my whole cohort about all the stuff I've dealt with and how they need to be careful. It annoys me and angers me to no end. There's no respect for mental illness and traumatic experiences and racism. I've been in the bathrooms crying. You know what's disturbing? The fact that men are making these jokes about women. Women are making these jokes about women. It's disgusting. There's no respect. There's nothing. No one knows how hard it is.

What brings me happiness is making other people happy and being around other people. But I can't control how they feel and how they choose to approach me, you know? What else brings me happiness...animals. That's what, but I can't volunteer at shelters or keep my pets with me when I'm at school. Jordan makes me happy, but he's not in a good place right now and refuses to let me be there for him and of course unrequited love. I don't have time to read, but that makes me happy, so you know.

Sorry, I'm a little angry right now, and I think it's showing through my typing.

I don't know what I want for myself. I honestly have no idea, I don't care. I just want to make others happy. That's my aim in life. I know what it feels like to be unloved, to feel so horrible and worthless and feel like you're not enough for anyone, and I never want anyone to feel like that, so I will give them my all so that they don't have to feel like that. Even if it uses everything in me. No one should feel unloved and worthless.

So I'll give all my love to everyone I meet.

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

james1 — Wed, 07 Jun 2017 03:09:42 GMT

Hey Em, it's wonderful and sweet that your aim is to make sure others don't feel unloved, but love is a two-way street. Just as it's selfish to accept and not give love, it is also difficult to give love, but not accept it.

To accept someone's love and care is another way of showing that you love them. But this is sometimes the hardest thing to do, and is something psychologists can help us with.

It might be that nobody around you right is being supportive. Your peers at school sound like they really have no clue. But that doesn't mean that people don't care. Your parents may not know how empty you feel on the inside, but that doesn't mean she doesn't care. It might even be possible that she cares the most, yet you are turning that away by habit, without even thinking.

Learning to accept love is just as important as learning to give live - something you do very very well, from the posts I've seen you give to others on the forums.

So it is okay to feel angry and to tell us. This is a safe place for you to just be you. There is no need to show me or anyone here love, because this is a place for you to be you, and us to share understanding, and I get you.

Your psychologist is there to help you, and we are here to support you.

James

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

BenignSky — Wed, 07 Jun 2017 04:21:48 GMT

If someone asked me to hang out with them, I would say yes in a heart beat but no one seems to want me to hang out with them. I'm so willing to accept love, but no one seems to be wanting to give at the moment. How can I accept something that isn't there, you know?

I would accept anyone's love.

Mum is too busy with her job, my brother is stressing about year 12, and dad has no empathy and emotion - it's not they don't care, they're just too busy to pay any attention to me. It sounds clingy and awful but you know...

I want a hug. I just want a hug, and to hold someone's hand. That's all.

I'm so tired.

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

james1 — Wed, 07 Jun 2017 05:11:59 GMT

Hey Em,

I am not saying this is you, as only you can know, but sometimes we mistake friendship and desire for love and care. For example, I have a friend who is a lovely person to be around - lots of fun and makes you feel good about yourself. But she also isn't one to talk about anything close to heart. I couldn't count on her if I was having a terrible day. Equally, I have a friend who I almost never talk to. Maybe once every few months, and it used to be once every few years. But I know I can count on him - if only I made the effort to reach out and let him know I'm feeling rubbish.

You said your mother is too busy to pay any attention to you. I get this. I thought the same of my ex - no surprise then that we broke up when I started to withdraw because I thought she couldn't help me.

In truth though, all I needed to do was just tell her that I was really struggling and I needed her. She would've been there in a heartbeat, if only I gave myself that chance.

You absolutely deserve the chance to receive love and care from the people around you. But they don't know how much you're struggling, and they never will, unless you tell them directly and without any compromise.

When it comes to our mental health, we can't rely on others to know what to do. We need to tell them - parents, friends, doctors...it's super tough, but we have to break our habits to break the grip mental illness has over us.

It is okay to be tired and not want to challenge these thoughts right now. That can be a tomorrow thing. But it is important to keep in mind that we are individuals in this world, no matter how much we want to be with someone and to be someone. You have so many wonderful qualities as an individual, it would be great to see you learn how to use them for your own benefit, and not just others'.

James

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

BenignSky — Wed, 07 Jun 2017 05:47:57 GMT

I understand what you're saying, I do, and I agree with you. Just when you're so tired and out of it, you just give up and don't want to deal with anything. You want to curl up and ignore everything. Last night instead of doing homework I just stared at my bedroom wall for four hours. Didn't move. Except to eat of course.

There's this stupid idea that I have that for me to be considered worthy, I need someone to love me. It's this ridiculous and awful idea I have implanted in my head.

It gets so lonely. It hurts.

I Don't Even Know Anymore...

james1 — Wed, 07 Jun 2017 06:02:53 GMT

Hey, it's not a stupid idea. I think it's a painful idea to hold on to, but it makes sense. You've had a pretty rough time growing up, so it's there now and unfortunately you're suffering a lot because of it. Loneliness hurts. It hurts even more when we base our worthiness on other people's appreciation of us.

Okay. So I've just uploaded a photo of my rabbit to prove to you that I am actually human. I am actually talking to you. And I do want to help you and sit with you.

Do you find writing helps you with your loneliness? I used to write a lot when I felt really upset. I dunno. I guess that was the romantic in me trying to live up to the sad reclusive writer image, hah.

James