topic What do you fear (today)? in Long-term support over the journey

What do you fear (today)?

The_Abyss — Sun, 09 Apr 2017 04:49:32 GMT

In line with my "when were you last truly happy" post, I wondered about what other people fear?

Is it an "every day fear", or is it a "just today" fear?

Do you fear getting out of bed? Do you fear opening the mail? Do you fear the phone ringing? Do you fear being alone? Do you fear the darkness descending? Do you fear confrontations? Do you fear rejection? Do you fear not feeling anything at all?

I wonder if just voicing that fear, sharing that fear, will help to take away it's power? Or will it give it life?

For me, my big fear at the moment is being found out. Fearing my kids or family will come across my posts. Fear a colleague will recognise my writing style or circumstances. Fear that someone will see through this big brave front I put on to get through the door each day. Fear that someone sees my vulnerability.

What do you fear (today)?

sydneyharbour17 — Sun, 09 Apr 2017 10:36:43 GMT

I fear "going crazy".

I have pretty severe anxiety with occasional intrusive thoughts and depersonalisation/dissociation aspects. Logically, I know that anxiety can't make you lose your mind because it's just surges of adrenaline causing the symptoms but my sister has schizophrenia so I sometimes convince myself that it's just a matter of time before my anxiety somehow morphs into her condition. It's a hard thing to shake.

What do you fear (today)?

Hollow12 — Sun, 09 Apr 2017 10:58:01 GMT

I have a fear of being alone. I fear my health and that I wont be here for my children. This is a daily fear.

I fear failure. I put on a strong front. I worry people will find out the truth.

What do you fear (today)?

The_Abyss — Sun, 09 Apr 2017 11:15:18 GMT

I hear you Sydney. Mine is my mother - I have watched her struggle with her mental health my whole life, and now that I am faltering, it terrifies me that I have more than "just" depression. And as someone recently reminded me, you are not your sister. Keep fighting.

Welcome Hollow. Thank you for choosing here to dip your toe in the water. The fear of failure is a common one for many of us. It is often something that stems from our youth, and is reinforced through our destructive life experiences. I too put on that strong front - "fake it till you make it" kind of thing, all the time worried that someone will see through the ruse. Are you seeing anyone at the moment (help-wise)? Is the fear that you won't be here for your kids related to your health or your mental state at the moment? If the kids are what are keeping you grounded, then hold on to that, and make them your primary reason to get up each day and get well. Do you fear being alone because of a partner? Are you staying with a partner because of that fear? There is a lot of support on these forums. I found it took me a few days to find where I was most comfortable, and found I have disclosed a little here and a little there, a comment here, another there. It all helps.

Thank you both for sharing your fears.

What do you fear (today)?

Rhu — Sun, 09 Apr 2017 11:16:22 GMT

Today I fear losing my job. My anxiety issues are making it hard for me to focus on work, and I've been told by the boss that if my performance doesn't improve in a month, I'm going to lose my job. I'm afraid of the humiliation and the disappointment if it were to happen.

I fear that my family and friends will find out about my anxiety and think there's something wrong with me.

What do you fear (today)?

The_Abyss — Sun, 09 Apr 2017 11:33:37 GMT

That's a lot for you to deal with Rhu. I too fear being "found out" by my family and colleagues, mostly I think because I'm not yet comfortable with my own diagnosis. Just to be devil's advocate, if your family and friends found out, would any of them be an allay? Are there any of them that you can test the water with and 'feel out' their reaction? What is the worst case scenario of what would happen if they did find out?

I wonder if it's the fear of humiliation rather than the fear of losing your job that is greater? If you lose your job, is there a possibility of another job elsewhere? What would it take for you to keep this job? Could you speak to the boss and say, look, I have anxiety issues. I know I'm not performing at my best right now. Could you help me to achieve?

By the way, I don't have the answers. I have the same fears as you, I am as lost as you. I am sure there are multiple others out there as well. Sometimes just knowing others share your fears is enough to help take away their power.

Thank you for having the courage to share.

What do you fear (today)?

gibby3794 — Sun, 09 Apr 2017 11:51:38 GMT

My fears/ causes of anxiety over the last few weeks (some longer) are

answering the phone (I have debts and all utilities are overdue on their payment plans)

Mail, same reason, even though it's a only a letter it still causes anxiety sometimes, but sometimes I can open bills, final notices before escalation etc and not care same with texts

That my electricity or gas will be disconnected, landline and NBN already are suspended but that I don't care about

That I'm not going to be able to do my end of lease work on my house and get blacklisted (rubbish removal, lawns, painting etc) due to only receiving 150 a fortnight after rent

my main fear though is that I will be alone and unhappy forever

What do you fear (today)?

Quercus — Sun, 09 Apr 2017 16:43:23 GMT

Hi Gibby3794,

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I'm not sure about other states but my psych told me once about a program in WA called HUGS (hardship utility grant scheme). I didn't look into it but it came to mind reading your post. Maybe you could ask around and find out if there is anything similar in your area which might help? Also maybe if you talk to the real estate agent and are honest about your situation they might go a bit easier on you or even give you a payment plan for reimbursing them for the end of lease chores. It's worth a try. Take care of yourself and I hope things get easier for you soon.

The Abyss you've got a gift for threads that make you stop and think! I think that's a great thing, thankyou.

I fear....

That I'll never learn to accept my past and that I'll never be able to escape feeling trapped, pathetic and worthless sometimes.

Hmm not a helpful thought. But another important realisation.

What do you fear (today)?

The_Abyss — Sun, 09 Apr 2017 18:47:41 GMT

Thanks Quercus! I often see thread ideas in other people's comments! I am trying to limit myself!

I guess my hope for this thread is that by having somewhere to "deposit" our fears (even on a daily basis), it may allow us to have a better day. It saves the mind from obsessing over it all day because it has been shared.

Thank you too for offering help to Gib.

My fear today is becoming overwhelmed. I dread Mondays - they are my busiest day (through both work and extra activities), and with a busy week ahead, I can easily fall back into a heap.

I also have a long drive ahead of me tonight. The last time I did this trip, things did not go well. I fear that if I fail to return safely from this trip, my family will find my posts and journals, misinterpret them and feel it is all their fault.

My fear for the week is not staying on top of my uni work. Another week has slipped by already.

What do you fear (today)?

Rhu — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 05:37:40 GMT

Hi TA,

Like you I'm still trying to come to terms with all this anxiety issues and still trying to work it out and find ways to manage it. I had crippling anxiety attacks several years ago due to some cancer diagnoses and deaths amongst close family members, and then it settled down slowly. But since then, I find I'm still prone to getting bouts of anxiety attacks when I'm stressed or worried about something. I did tell my mother about the anxiety issues two years back, but in my experience, anxiety is one of those things people don't really understand unless you've been through it yourself. If I told my family, they'd support me, but I doubt they'd really understand what I'm going through.

As to to the job issue, I might be able get a position elsewhere, but the nature of my job makes it hard to find a place elsewhere in the middle of the year. Right now it's not so much about financial issues - it's more that I need to complete the traineeship, and the thought of the disappointment and humiliation of being fired is just making the anxiety a lot worse. My boss knows about it, but she said the part about me being fired if I don't improve is non negotiable.

Thanks for your advise - and you're right, it really makes a difference knowing I'm not along in this struggle!

What do you fear (today)?

sbsi908 — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 17:38:24 GMT

I can relate to this. I have moments that I fear that I'll start hallucinating and I hit my head in these scenarios to try and tell myself "you're sane, only the insane think they're sane!"

What do you fear (today)?

sbsi908 — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 17:40:42 GMT

I fear 2 things.

"the unexplained" (be it: paranormal, ghosts and spirits)

and I have a very irrational fear of viral and bacterial illnesses like the common cold and gastro. They terrify me ESPECIALLY gastro, probably after a traumatic event of food poisoning which cancelled my holiday trip interstate for Christmas.

What do you fear (today)?

The_Abyss — Sun, 16 Apr 2017 05:30:22 GMT

Hmmm sbsi.....I have "met" a few ghosts in my time and they still scare me!

My greatest fear today is relapsing.

What do you fear (today)?

CMF — Sun, 16 Apr 2017 07:29:41 GMT

'Him' coming back into our lives. He made contact today after almost 4 months of no contact. He ruined my easter, i don't need anymore of his verbal abuse. I'm afraid of the tension when/if i see him.

cmf

What do you fear (today)?

Fairywings — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 14:15:54 GMT

I know my little boy is only still very young but this is my biggest fear not being able to always be there for him he has severe autism and wish I could just become immortal might have to invest in vamporism xx

What do you fear (today)?

The_Abyss — Wed, 19 Apr 2017 21:45:57 GMT

My fear today is..... failure

What do you fear (today)?

The_Abyss — Wed, 19 Apr 2017 22:14:07 GMT

My other fear today.... that BB is becoming more real, more important, than the "real" world around me.

What do you fear (today)?

Quercus — Thu, 20 Apr 2017 00:09:37 GMT

Hi TA,

I get what you mean. I deleted my social media years ago because I felt like I was living more on the phone than in the real world. I'm accepting that I need the support on BB at this time but another part of me fears being dependant on the forums. I try (mostly fail) to put time limits on my time online so I spend most of the day connected to my real world. But it's hard when you think all the words on here represent a living person who is also struggling.

Today I was terrified of opening my mouth and sharing a single sentence with my husband. But I did it. And he responded in a way I hadn't anticipated. He validated how I felt. He said I wasn't overreacting. I feel relief.

What do you fear (today)?

graysky — Thu, 20 Apr 2017 04:58:43 GMT

I too fear being found out.

I fear being labelled weak and people will think I am shirking responsibility when I can't perform well at work.
I fear not being in control of my body when I go through symptoms of anxiety.
I fear being sick from the nausea anxiety causes me. I fear the embarrassment and shame that comes along with it.

What do you fear (today)?

pessimist25 — Thu, 20 Apr 2017 07:47:32 GMT

My today everyday fears are... myself, the future, not being good enough, failure and most of all losing control and "going crazy".