topic Finally opening up in Long-term support over the journey

Finally opening up

Guest_0087 — Tue, 29 Aug 2017 10:47:06 GMT

finally took the plunge to beyond blue. Think this is my last attempt to try and get somewhere. I will try be brief so as not to make this hard for anyone.

Have struggled with depression for some time, and each time I tried to overcome it, it has just gotten worse and there seems to be no end in sight.

I lost my best friend to my depression. She no longer talks to me and we no longer interact. We used to talk every day for years, now, not even a hello.

My family have never understood my depression and never supported me with it. They keep making it about themselves and I have to some how find some sort of way to deal with it. I battle with my parents every day and it oftens ends in me crying.

All my social circles have moved on, and most found me too 'different' or slightly 'weird' so they no longer interact with me. In a sense, I have no friends. I do everything by myself and when I do interact with those people, they all treat me very differently. They don't know how to talk to me or say anything to me, and so I am often the odd the one out.

My work has been hell of late. In fact, about two years ago, I lost out on a job opportunity I spent years working for and had to move countries for. They didn't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the post after all. But my current job started off well. Everything was good. It was starting to get me back some semblance of hope, but as with everything retail, the pressure tells, and now after receiving warnings and being told that I have the attitude of a child, I am basically working on auto pilot. I have no desire to go to work, and can't get a job that I really want, because after more than 5 years of trying and about 300 applications being rejected, you lose the will to apply.

And now to most recently. I just lost the girl. I loved her and I lost her. I try to get her out of my head and I just can't. It is hell.

I have no one, and nothing to keep me going. The virtual hugs only do so much, and I don't think they can keep me going. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Through all of these things, I can't sleep. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nothing that keeps me going. All the things I loved, I hate. I have no motivation to do anything. I find nothing of interest anymore. TV programmes i loved no longer excite me. No desire to watch movies or do anything. Like i said, I don't know where else to turn, but was told to give this a shot.

Finally opening up

BballJ — Tue, 29 Aug 2017 13:30:09 GMT

Hi zimbos05,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. Well done for getting your story out there, it is quite hard to post how you are feeling and what you are going through, so please be proud of that.

Depression is a heck of a cycle to be stuck in, I see it so much on these forums and I am worried about the place you find yourself in. When everything seems on autopilot that is when it is at its toughest. You said you have tried to overcome it, in what ways have you tried in the past? Just trying to gain an understanding of your situation and see where I can offer advice for you.

These forums are all about support, most if not all of us suffer from some form of a mental illness, I personally suffer from anxiety, OCD & mild depression, it's never easy but I understand to some extent how you are feeling.

I want to know other than work, is there anything else you enjoy doing? Is there any hobbies or things that you enjoy to do? I know how tough it is keeping friends when dealing with a mental health issue, a lot of people simply do not understand what you are going through. Please know we understand how you are feeling and will do what we can to support you.

Please also remember you can call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 24/7 to discuss anything you are going through.

Please, post back as much as possible, I am always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

Finally opening up

geoff — Tue, 29 Aug 2017 22:38:50 GMT

hello Zimbo, and what you told us is exactly a typical situation where someone is suffering from depression, other stories from people may vary to a slight degree, but basically they all boil down to the same illness, something that we never hoped we would ever get, but atnthe begiining we have no control over this, and it's only when you seek help then you can learn the many different ways to avoid any trigger points that cause your depression.
At the moment you may not know what they are or you could have an idea, but you have to realise that once one problem begins then everything else just falls into place and contributes towards how awful you are feeling.
Friends you thought you once had are no longer there to support you, they disappear, simply because they don't want to be continually asked for help, they don't have any answers and if they do have suggestions and nothing works out for you, they go and only think of themselves and enjoying their life.
It's virtually impossible struggling to get over this by yourself, it never happens, it can't happen because you don't know how to overcome this without starting by visiting your doctor, that's where your help begins, in other words that's your first port of call, so I urge to contact them.
Don't worry about feeling awkward, the doctors cope with so much depression from so many people, but each person is different and everyone one of them deserve treatment, so please don't delay and let us know what's happening. Geoff.

Finally opening up

Guest_0087 — Wed, 30 Aug 2017 11:32:57 GMT

Thanks for the responses guys.

I have been seeing a counsellor, and have also reached out on the beyond blue lines. I have tried change of scenery and trying to put myself out there more so as to make friends and also hopefully find that special one. The latter was something I thought I did, only for that to probably be the final nail in the building up of all the depression and stress that has pushed me to this point.

Outside of work, the one thing I really enjoy doing which I have taken up recently is going to the driving range. I am working on my game and hopefully one day will hit the golf course properly. Other than that, the things I really enjoy doing or love, I do not have the desire to do them any more. I struggle to find the motivation for them or the need to do them. Often doing them means I do them alone or get excluded from them. I do not drink or 'party', so whilst I do not fit in in my own community, I do not fit in in the wider society too.

I have been to visit my doctor. He has advised me to go see a different counsellor. The one I am seeing now.

Finally opening up

BballJ — Wed, 30 Aug 2017 12:18:09 GMT

Hi zimbos05,

Thanks for replying, it is good to see where you are at and the fact you are seeing a counsellor really is good. How do you find them? Do you find you click with them and are able to discuss everything you are feeling?

Love and break ups can really trigger depression for many people and we see it a lot on these forums too, it is never easy especially when you fall for this person so much and almost put all your faith into them and when it's taken away, it feels they have taken a part of you with them, rest assured they never did, it just the feeling which does actually heal overtime. Do you listen to much music out of curiosity, I relate to so many songs in times of heart break and find peace in them.

The driving range is an awesome thing to get into, it really is great for the mind, I have gone before and loved it and am trying to go more and more as I find it really helps clear my mind and makes me happy. That could be a good way to meet people as well, meeting fellow people who enjoy golfing. I can relate to many things you have said as well, I wish I had the piece of magical advice to make you feel better but all I can offer is my support and the fact I am always happy to talk. You are not alone in this battle and I will always respond if you want to talk if it helps you in any way.

My best,

Jay

Finally opening up

geoff — Wed, 30 Aug 2017 18:41:39 GMT

hi Zimbos, being a golfer myself I know that one day you can have a terrific score, but can't work out why the next game you have a shocker, it doesn't make any sense and that's why our own life has it's own queries, it has to have it's ups and downs, and by being down means that figure out where you are and what you doing, no different than to change your grip on the golf club.
We need change in our life, because if it stays on the same level all the time then that would become boring, but change brings vitality to our life even though we feel it may go down to feeling nothing, that only means it has to go up, whether it's today, tomorrow or in 6 months time. Geoff.

Finally opening up

Guest_0087 — Thu, 31 Aug 2017 08:57:08 GMT

I tend to find most counsellors are the same. They can offer you advice and give you tips, but often it is just for that hour that you feel ok and, but you wake up the next day and then everything goes awful again.

These last two days I have been going to sleep with some trouble, but then somehow in my sleep i can feel that everything is fine, then I wake up and suddenly am impacted by reality. What i thought was real was a dream. All those good things I felt whilst sleeping I no longer feel. Reality hits that I am no longer with her, that I have to go to my dreary job, and that every day is just another day dealing with all these problems of loneliness and depression.

I do listen to music. I had to delete a lot of my songs because they reminded me of her. However I am not deleting all of them because I want to be able to listen to the music i like and not always have to worry about them reminding me of her or a bad time. I am relating to a lot of songs in this break up, but am not often finding peace in them.

I do love the range. I also sometimes hate it. When you go by yourself or when you are alone, your mind can wonder. Mine often does. At the range, at work, when i pray, when i shower, when i work out....it wonders and sometimes i just think of her, or of how I always end up doing things alone and having to go through the same cycle every day. I also agree with you geoff. Some days I am striking the ball sweetly, other days are like I have feet for hands.

I know there is no magical advice and appreciate that you and geoff are both responding. I know some times there is only so much that can be done, and that was one of my fears with this. I would get a response, but perhaps it would still be just virtual hugs i guess.

Finally opening up

BballJ — Thu, 31 Aug 2017 12:54:26 GMT

Hi zimbos05,

I am trying to steer away from the virtual hug stuff which is why I am just more trying to engage in conversation with you and just keep talking to you because that is all we can do at the end of the day on these forums. I have been in your position with heart break and everything reminds you of that girl and songs can make it worse, so I apologise for making that suggestion, I sometimes find peace on some songs that's all, but I understand not everyone will. I like to think we can grow from these heart breaks in life, yes they hurt like hell but we use them and we learn from them and we grow from them and become better people because of it. I have also had similar feelings with dreams, they feel so real sometimes and then when you wake up, it's like anxiety just smacks you in the face and tells you to start worrying and start over thinking everything again. It's a tough cycle but believe me you can come out of it. You will come out of it.

What's plans for the weekend? Getting to the driving range?

My best,

Jay

Finally opening up

Guest_0087 — Thu, 31 Aug 2017 13:15:05 GMT

I understand and I really appreciate it. Please do not feel like I am ignoring you or responding back in a negative manner. I'm sure you understand how difficult it can be. Do not apologise about that. I like music, I just hate that it seems a fair few songs remind me of her. It's not your fault. Some songs do really give me peace. I guess i felt that peace in her when I was with her, and for it to just be ripped out. It was essentially the icing on the cake of everything else that was going wrong with me. I was able to deal with the family problems and the work problems and everything else because of her, then she went, and finally after years of holding in everything wrong that has been going on with me, I finally could not take it any more and I just cracked.

I like to think that a time will come when I will be able to look back on these times and it will all be irrelevant. I will have found someone and we will be together. I will have the career I am desperately seeking. I will have some sort of social circle and be able to get on with people more. That all the pain now will be gone. At the moment though, after years and years of trying, it just feels like that time will never come. I just can't see it.

No real plans for the weekend. We will be celebrating our Christmas on saturday but half my family is overseas so it will not be as fun or exciting. I would like to get to the range but I don't think I will find time. Was thinking of maybe going to the Marvel exhibit on Sunday but again the thought of going to these things alone is not one I want to deal with. The only other option for Sunday is probably just sleep in and then maybe clean my shoes, as exciting as that sounds.....

Finally opening up

BballJ — Sun, 03 Sep 2017 12:16:36 GMT

Hi zimbos05,

I understand exactly how it can be, I know how you are feeling which is why I wish I had that magic piece of advice for you that would make it all feel better but it is one of these things that time has to heal... I know you cannot see the future and at times like this we wish we could but I believe you will look back at this time in your life and firstly remember where you came from and that you came out of this dark spot but also that it was a bump in your life journey and the next person you fall for will become the centre of your universe again. Is there any chance of getting back together with your ex?

How did the weekend turn out, I actually went to the driving range today which was fun, but I was struggling to find someone to go with as well, I don't have much of a social circle either. Marvel exhibit sounds cool, did you end up going or gave it a miss?

My best,

Jay

Finally opening up

Guest_0087 — Mon, 04 Sep 2017 01:45:00 GMT

Hi Jay

No chance of getting back with her. She essentially cheated and has made her decision. I have lost so much sleep and hurt way too much over her. There are still times and moments when I can't stop thinking about her, but I don't see any chance of us getting back together after everything that has happened, and I know it will be hard, but I think I need to try and move on.

I hate that I am reminded of it though by almost everything. Music, seeing people hold hands. movies, places we went to together...just even the little things something. I really hate this and sometimes wish I never met her. The years of dealing with all the issues I have had were triggered by this, and I don't know where the end is. Every time I feel like I am coming out of this black hole, I get dragged in much deeper and things get much worse.

I did not end up at the Marvel exhibit. It was the last day too, so I have missed out on that.

I did go to the range as well too, but my game was so off and bad that I ended up getting frustrated with myself and I just got more upset and disappointed.

Hope you had a good weekend?

Finally opening up

O_Dorney — Mon, 04 Sep 2017 12:04:03 GMT

Hi Zimbos

I have had depression for 5 years and after hospitalization ECT and medication , nothing seemed to work. Please dont think I am marginilisin your condition but instead of wanting it to go away I took is as a calling card that I need to understand how the human condition works. I am no expert but I found out a lot about myself.

There is plenty on the internet and after some time I have managed to educate my self out of it. Its not easy but its simple. Depression has changed me and left me with differnt values.

Either way its tough and your post really got me. Hang in there. There all thoughts feelings and emotions appearing in awareness. Check out awareness

Finally opening up

BballJ — Mon, 04 Sep 2017 12:52:58 GMT

Hi zimbos05,

Yeah once cheating becomes involved, it is very hard to rebuild that relationship on the same foundation it was originally built on. Things will always remind you of lost love because so many things you do everyday are generally involved with your partner, as I've said before, time will heal this. It is always at its hardest at these points. You shouldn't regret that you met her, believe it or not this down the track will be a very big reason you would have grown and learnt so much from this experience. We can learn from every experience that life throws at us.

Everyday you just need to try and move on and keep healing. It is tough as hell I know that but the more you face that it happened and that you cannot change the past, I think then you will start being able to move on from it. All you can do is go forward from this point. You will keep on tripping on what's in front of you, if you keep looking behind you.

My weekend was ok, a little boring, other than the driving range, my shot was off too which got me frustrated as well.

My best,

Jay

Finally opening up

Guest_0087 — Mon, 04 Sep 2017 23:41:15 GMT

@O Dorney

That sucks to hear. Hospitalisation must be very hard. I do not feel that way, do not worry. I understand that I need to get somewhere with it. I think it makes it really hard when people do not understand how hard it can be and the depths you sink to, when you try so hard to not actually go that far low or want to have to deal with it. It is not a lifestyle choice and when things that hurt happen, it makes it so much worse.

@Jay

I am slowly working on that I feel. It is just hard and at the moment it is very difficult to have to deal with the pain. I have dealt with it for so long I don't wish to deal with it for a long time more. It is not something I chose or ever aimed for, so why should it it happen to me. I appreciate what you are saying though. Let's hope I can find something that helps me to look forward and not behind. I want that feeling again, but I don't want to be held hostage by what was. Not just with my ex, but with everything else as well.

I think I came very close to slamming my club, which would not have been a good thing. It's just another example of how when one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong, and thats just my life at the moment.

Finally opening up

BballJ — Tue, 05 Sep 2017 12:04:17 GMT

Hi zimbos05,

That is what it will take, just slow and take each day as it comes and realise and understand each day is a chance to get better and move forward. Just need to also keep looking for that next thing to take your attention away from the past and something to focus on the future, it doesn't have to be a new relationship either, it could be a new hobby or something else for you to focus on.

Ahh I felt that a couple of times, you think you have the perfect hit and then it just veers to the far right.

My best,

Jay

Finally opening up

Guest_0087 — Wed, 06 Sep 2017 08:10:17 GMT

Feel like I can start to say I am slowly getting there. Was meant to hang out with her today but decided not to because of how she went about everything and how she has treated me. I don't think she knows the pain she has caused and that seems very unfair considering how much of my heart I gave her. But like you say, slowly but surely I can start to work on taking back some sort of semblance of my life.

There are just times when I can get over those kind of things, but thats about as good as it feels it will get. Nothing feels like it will get better and every time I try, things just seem to get worse.

My shots were veering right, left, not going more than 50 metres, was hitting the tee instead of the ball. It is just horrible. My uncle wants to go tomorrow but I am now down and out with the flu so I that is a bit of a bummer too.

Finally opening up

BballJ — Wed, 06 Sep 2017 12:31:34 GMT

Hi zimbos05,

That is great to read that you feel you are slowly getting there... each and everyday is a step forward. I think it is good you didn't see her because it will only just bring you back down especially when that person can not see how much they have hurt you. Honestly you have been on these forums for around a week and already seeing positive improvement and moving forward, doesn't matter if one day you only move one inch... it is still moving forward.

I had probably one in every 20 shots getting about 150 - 200 metres and straight but every other shot was just off. I kept changing clubs to see if it would make a difference. Next time I go just need to focus a little more. Sucks you couldn't go with your uncle but the flu is getting around so just need to take it easy and feel better.

My best,

Jay

Finally opening up

Guest_0087 — Fri, 08 Sep 2017 04:25:11 GMT

Hey mate

Sorry for the delayed response. Been out with a terrible flu the last few days and just kind of trying to get over that at the moment.

I feel it was a good decision to not hang out with her. I can still picture the good times we spent and sometimes find it difficult to sleep or move on when my mind tends to fall back on those memories, but I do feel like I am a lot further along than a few weeks ago. Really annoyed that I got sick because I have not been able to go to the gym or anything, but I guess it was a blessing in disguise as it meant I did not get to hang out with her. Also probably better to get sick now rather than on my holiday.

Still have a lot of the other issues to deal with and get over and some of them are really hard to. I sometimes do not see that light at the end of the road.

My iron game is all good, but its just with the driver that I keep messing up. It is starting to frustrate me more than it should. I am competitive by nature, so if I struggle at a sport I can get quite upset. I have been using the driver for a long time, so not really sure why i am still struggling with it so much.

Finally opening up

Sad_Puppy_Dog — Fri, 08 Sep 2017 08:54:34 GMT

Hi Zimbos, I'm not sure I can offer much on my first post but I hope to add some and more value with further posts. But I do have sincere empathy and concern and relate to a lot of what you said. I have loved and lost the girl, two of them actually in a short space of time. Oct last year, my partner of 7.5 years broke up with me and turned from a caring woman into someone cold and cruel. A lot of the whole break up just doesn't make sense. We don't talk anymore, but I see her occasionally in a sporting club we're both in. It was devastating. Then in April, in that same club I met someone who I found out was just as interested in me as I was in her. She had a crush on me from the start of the year. I was ready for someone again. A whirlwind and passionate romance that was so easy, so powerful and brilliant went on for only two weeks until she said she'd "Not ready for a relationship" and broke up with me and giving all sorts of reasons that again, make no sense. I've been plunged into a worse depression since, still pining for her all the same and wishing for her to be back with me, like I suppose, a fool. Things have got a bit awkward and we haven't talked much. I've sort of been avoiding her out of fear even though I want to be around her. I seem to be more broken by her than the first strangely enough. And I have ALL those same triggers too. Places I went with her in the time with her, I have to drive or walk other ways around. Some times it feels pathetic even if it is understandable. I can't stop thinking about her.

And I have all the same reductions of enjoyment in the things I usually love too.

I guess I'm just saying that you're not alone in how you feel. Maybe that helps, maybe right now it does very little. It IS Hell and I'm sorry for what you're going through. Hope you're doing OK.

Finally opening up

Guest_0087 — Sat, 09 Sep 2017 07:12:03 GMT

Hey SPD. Welcome to the forums.

Everything you have just said is so relatable. I have had relationships that laster longer that I got over so much quicker. What happened with this girls was almost identical to yours. We crushed on each other without either saying anything. Eventually, when I finally said it and she said she liked me back, it was like heaven on earth. Things were great for a few weeks, and then suddenly, she wasn't ready for a relationship. I tried so hard and eventually after some trying, we got together properly. Then she ended things again and her reason was lame and silly. I gave her my heart and she crushed it, in front of me. It sucks. I can't stop thinking about her because all the time we spent together was so great. Even the last time we spoke properly we were planning on taking her niece to a light show, and then she just went cold on me. Stopped talking to me and eventually I figured out what she had done, and she said she was ending things.

That sounds so much worse now when I type it. I think its because i still have a lot of anger about it and it is finally starting to seep through. Before I could not see her as anything but this sweet angel, but now having had some time, I am relating to Three Days Grace music a lot more. One song in particular. It is still hell. I always miss her and can't get over that.

Thanks for your concern. I am really trying hard and am doing a little better. Hope you are doing better after what you have gone through. If you need someone to talk to about it, I am here for you mate. Happy to listen.