topic Anxiety and depression/loneliness in Long-term support over the journey

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Branka — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 04:08:43 GMT

Hi to everyone. I have recently moved to Melbourne from Sydney to be with my 2 younger sons and grandson. It was a major decision as I had been living in Sydney for 50 years. I thought that moving would be great. My anxiety and depression has become worse. I have had clinical depression since I was 16 and anxiety for most of my life.

I am living with my youngest son and his wife. He abuses me verbally and emotionally and I now wonder if the move was wise. I simply don't have the energy nor finances to move back to Sydney. I feel lonely and sad as I just don't know what to do. I have no friends however, I have started working whicj has made me feel better.

I am divorced and unable to protect myself from my son's abuse. This is making me extremely anxious and sad. Why did I move in with him? Because I thought he may have changed particularly as he had recently married. I was wrong and feel really confused.

I am new to this forum and hope that I can find some support. Thank you.

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Croix — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 09:52:35 GMT

Dear Branka~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum and hope you find a place to talk, with people that understand your problems. Many here have had difficulties living with children, and lots have experienced depression and anxiety too.

If you are like me then I would not be at all surprised when faced with such a difficult situation I'd feel overwhelmed and not up to improving things. I particularly felt this when my depression and anxiety were at high levels.

Moving after 50 years is a tremendous wrench, with all the things you are used to from doctors to barbers gone. If you have moved from your own house to living with others, even supportive ones, that's a major life-style change with loss of a fair amount of independence. In a toxic atmosphere it just has to be pretty horrible.

May I ask if you are under treatment at the moment? If you are then I would see my GP and ask for my regime to be tweaked to compensation for your current feelings and circumstances.

If you have not found a GP as yet after your move I realy think you ought to find one quickly, talk about you history and how you are now and see what happens. I found I realy needed medical in hte shape of meds and therapy support to improve.

There is a bit of good news, getting a job is a pretty big deal and if you enjoy it that's a bonus. I would imagine it gives you not only an out from a bad atmosphere but also a measure of financial independence.

Perhaps in time this will lead to a social life too.

How do you get on with the older son? I'd expect he could see what is happening, how does he behave? Do you have other family members or children elsewhere?

How about your long-term plans? Are you looking at the possibility of moving into your own place?

I do hope you come back and talk more

Croix

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Branka — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 10:55:21 GMT

Thank you for your informative and supportive reply. It really has been hard. The worst part is not having friends to talk to or family for support. My older son impressed upon me to let him know if my younger son is abusing me. I did confide in him which resulted in both boys having an argument. I felt really awful and now do not tell my older son anything. My daughter in law advised me to simply do as my younger son says, don't argue and agree with everything he says.

I am constantly tip toeing around my son too scared to do anything, to scared to say the wrong thing. This leaves me in a constant state of anxiety. I feel that life has nothing to offer me. At the moment anyway. I am on antidepressants and anxiety tablets but I still feel really anxious and weepy. I am also seeing a psychologist to help me through this stressful period. Hope things get better.

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Croix — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 11:14:59 GMT

Dear Branka~

Thank you for coming back. I've glad to hear oyu have medical support at least.

I'm afraid everything you say points out you are in hte wrong place. Walking on eggshells in what is your home too is not on. You are quite right in thinking it makes your anxiety and depression worse. Nobody can spend there life agreeing in this sort of situation.

Even if it does lead to arguments it does sound as if your older son understands some of it.

Is there any possibility of getting out of that situation?

On another note as someone with anxiety and bouts of depression I find that regularly doing things I enjoy that make me forget the world for a while is an excellent way of lowering my stress levels - do you have a hobby or something else you enjoy?

Croix

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Branka — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 11:46:20 GMT

At the moment I actually have no interest in anything that I normally enjoy. My escape is work or going for a drive just to get out of the house. I wanted to join some social groups but my son says I should trust no one. It's hard being in a different place and not know anyone. It's really lonely.

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Croix — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 13:44:46 GMT

Dear Branka~

Yes it would be very lonely indeed. Frankly I would have thought join social groups would have been an excellent idea, everything from Mens' Shed to Ballroom Dancing. I'm not sure where trust realy comes into it.

Obviously one is on guard with strangers and as people become friends that is somewhat relaxed, however I see no real danger to anyone with common sense.

Now I might be doing your son an injustice however this reminds me of typical abusive relationship behavior where on of the modes of control is isolation.

The other thing that springs to mind - and again I apologize if I'm going down the wrong track - is inheritance. Some families are very reluctant to approve of a parent forming a new attachment in case it affects matters after the parent has passed away.

That being said many are simply concerned their parent does not end up hurt.

If it was me - and yes I know it is easy for me to say - I'd use that car to travel to a group, join and see how you go.

Croix

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Branka — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 23:56:24 GMT

Dear Croux

Thank you for your reply. My son probably does care but he is a very untrusting person. He has isolated his wife from her family who she does not see any more. He hates his oldest brother (I have 3 boys) , he hates his father so I'm wondering if he has mental issues.

With regards to money he wants me to help them buy a house. I don't have alot of money but he constantly tells me to save and wants to know exactly what I have in my savings. My middle son believes he is using me as my son does not want me on the house title deed. He says he does not want his brothers getting my share when I die.

I am constantly escaping the house because I hate being there. So social groups would be a great idea.

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

loouuiiee — Thu, 28 Sep 2017 00:19:32 GMT

oh dear ... this sounds like an awful situation to be in and I find it bizarre because I had controlling and abusive parents who were extremely over protective and tried to isolate me when i was younger. They stopped me from getting a job, speaking to friends from school outside of school hours and leaving the house when I was 18 years old (I wasn't even allowed out the front of the house just to check the mailbox)! Being 25 years old now and fully independent from my parents I still find this very bizzare! The SON he thinks he has the right to yell at and tell his MOTHER not to join and social clubs! AND he does the same to his wife?! I'm not saying he has mental issues but he is definitely on the controlling side and I can see why you would feel very unhappy living there.

My advice is to hold on to your job and make some friends at work to begin with.

If he wants you to have money, and he isn't aware that you are making friends at work, then it is unlikely he will try to stop you from going to work.

Definitely keep up with your treatments seeing a GP etc. because that will help you with having someone to talk to and doctors can do some research for you and give you ideas and options.

Ultimately, if I was you I would be saving up and getting a place of your own so that you do not have to live with your youngest son anymore.

What about your oldest son? Can he help you?

I'm so sorry your in this position after leaving your home of 50 years and making such a big move.

It must feel like such a let down, but things may improve with your son and get better. I just don't think you should stay with him and allow yourself to suffer while you wait for him to see the error of his ways because that could take a long time and you deserve to be happy NOW as well as in the future also.

Take care xoxo

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Branka — Thu, 28 Sep 2017 04:42:50 GMT

Thank you for your reply.I'm sorry that you had to live in such an environment. I myself come from a very similar background. I have 3 sons. My other son that lives here had asked me to tell him if my younger son abuses me which I did. This only caused more problems so now I keep things to myself. This means I have no family support.

I lived with my younger son in Sydney and it was just as bad. When he married and moved here I was hoping it would be better but its not. He has isolated his wife from her family, hates his oldest brother and father and his other brother here wishes he had never moved to Melbourne.

It so hard to make a decision but I know I can't live like this. My anxiety and depression well never improve. I constantly find reasons to escape the house and I am sick of treading on egg shells when around my son.

I will definitely go to social groups. I need to be around people who are positive and respectful and I need friends.

Thank you again for your input.

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Guest_5218 — Thu, 28 Sep 2017 09:34:23 GMT

Dear Branka,

I just read your post addressed to Geoff in his Home Improvement thread. You sound in a very distressed state right now. We havent met before, but I have been following your situation via this thread.

Please bear in mind that if you need to talk to a professional you have the option to call the BB Helpline on 1300 22 4636 at any time of day or night. Dont hesitate to call if you feel you are not coping.

I will be around if you need me.

Sherie xx

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Branka — Thu, 28 Sep 2017 09:41:48 GMT

Dear Sherie

Thank you for your kind words and support. I really need people like you at the moment. As I've recently relocated to Melbourne I don't know anyone and feel very lonely.

I will try to keep my chin up.

Branka xxx.

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Guest_5218 — Thu, 28 Sep 2017 09:53:09 GMT

Thats the spirit Branka. It must be so hard up and leaving everything you're familiar with. Only to end up in the horribly difficult situation in which you've found yourself.

As to what transpired between you and your younger son earlier. Obviously in the heat of the moment we all say things we dont mean, and perhaps thats the case this time.

Like you I dont have much in the way of support. A mixture of reasons for that in my case. Family are a long way away - at least 5.5 hours drive, and up to 7 hours. That includes parents, brother, sister, step son and step daughter and their respective families. It was 8 years ago my husband and I moved to this area, away from my family and acquaintances. Although I have worked up here and have former work colleagues, I really do not have any friends. So I understand to some extent how lonely and isolated you must feel. Oh, a very quick intro so you know a bit about the person to whom you are talking. I am a 58yo married female and I suffer from PTSD.

Its all very well living in the home of your son and his family, but sometimes in such a situation of obvious unhappiness for you, it would be extremely isolating for you. Its like you can be in a crowded room, and its then you feel the most lonely.

Yes, please do keep your chin up. There has to be solutions to your predicament. Certainly you cannot remain where you are, as it clearly isnt working for any of you. Think of this as a temporary thing, it will get better.

Offering you a comforting cyber hug if you will accept it?

Sherie xx

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Croix — Thu, 28 Sep 2017 10:02:59 GMT

Dear Branka~

I'm sorry things have got so bad so quickly, it sounds like going back you your younger son, even for a short while is not an option. So you need a plan.

I guess the first thing to ask is if there is any other family member you can crash with for a short while until you get your breath and sort something more permanent out. Perhaps the older son that defended you?

if that is not practical as Sherie says you can call our 24/7 Help line on 1300 22 4636 and see what they suggest in terms of short term accommodation. I'm not that familiar with crisis services, the only other one in your area I know of is the Opening Doors 24-hour number on 1800 825 955.

If you find all this overwhelming call Lifeline on 131114, its easy to do and can help - I've found that.

This is a horrible thing to go through but you can make it and will be better off out of that toxic environment. As a parent there is a great temptation to take on the burden of children who do not turn out well, thinking that as a parent you are responsible and they turned out the way they did because of you .

This is simply false thinking. By the time a person becomes an adult they are well and truly responsible for their own actions.

Please make some calls and see how you go, there will always be a place for you here

OK?

Croix

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Branka — Thu, 28 Sep 2017 10:42:47 GMT

Thank you so much for your support. I really do feel it's a good idea if I moved out. My anxiety and depression have escalated and so has my blood pressure . I just hope it doesn't get worse. It's so soul destroying when your son tells you you've been a bad parent and have destroyed family relationships.

I have sacrificed so much for my sons. I love them with all my heart and wish only the best for them.

Branka

Ps I accept your cyber hug.

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Branka — Thu, 28 Sep 2017 10:50:03 GMT

Dear Croix

I am overwhelmed with the support I have received. Unfortunately, I have no where to go at present. I really don't want to burden my other son. I will make some calls. I called the domestic violence 1800RESPECT number but I didn't feel they were very helpful. Maybe I was just too distressed at the time. Thank you so much again.

Branka xxx.

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Croix — Thu, 28 Sep 2017 11:10:50 GMT

Dear Branka

I'm glad you are going to make some calls, that Opening Doors number is a crisis line that puts you in touch with various emergency services, I would imagine our own Help Line does much the same.

Please let us know how you are going - and of course you will get support here, that's why this place exists. As for you being distressed - of course, anyone, me included, would be.

Croix

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Guest_5218 — Thu, 28 Sep 2017 14:27:09 GMT

Hi Branka, a quick post as I head off to bed.

I hope you are safe, and I do believe that your decision to find alternative accommodation is the correct one, for both your sakes.

Yes I'm sure you sacrificed much for your sons, thats what good Mums do after all. You provide, nurture and do the best for your children. Its then up to them to carry on with the good grounding thats been layed for them.

I tend to agree with you that your son may be suffering some form of mental illness, certainly there are many signs there. But we are not mental health professionals here and therefore cannot advise. I wish there was advice I could give you to approach this issue with him. Have you had a read of the resources that BB have to offer here on their website? Perhaps have a read of the sections "Facts" and check the relevant sub section, and also "Supporting Someone". You may find this helpful to yourself when it comes to dealing with your son, but it could also benefit him if you were to print out relevant sections and leave it around for him and his family to read.

As for having somewhere else to move. Is there any alternatives such as approaching a work colleague, even if it's for only a few days while you sort out a more permanent arrangement?

Of course you love your sons, and I feel sure they know that and love you just as much. To want what is best for them is very natural. This is a difficult situation for all of you to be in, and a quick transition into a new living arrangement sounds like the best option all round.

I wish you only the best Branka, and will call by later today, to check how you have got along.

Sherie xx

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

loouuiiee — Fri, 29 Sep 2017 03:35:03 GMT

Dear Branka,

I agree with you when you say that you need to be around people who are positive.

Go to social groups and don't tell your son, perhaps you can find ones that run in common areas (like the local library) so that if he demands to know where you have been you can honestly say you where at the library. Just lead him to believe that you were reading a book instead of making new friends if that will keep him happy,

I do still think you should reach out to your older son. He has asked you to tell him if your younger son is mistreating you and I know you said it caused more problems when you informed your older son of what is going on between you and your younger son, but obviously your elder son is concerned for you and cares about you.

He may be able to help you with finding somewhere else to live, but he cant help if he doesn't know what is going on.

Sherie's idea about perhaps asking a work colleague if you can stay with them for a few days or weeks is a great option also.

Try to remember that what is happening is just because of how your younger son is acting, it doesn't make him or you a bad person and it doesn't make you a bad parent either.

Everyone is just different and acts and responds in different ways.

The two of you co-existing in a living environment is just a bad combination that isn't working in favour for you and your health. the best thing is for you to talk about it with people who can help you and find a better alternative. You do not have to keep suffering. There is light at the end of the tunnel 🙂 keep going!

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Branka — Fri, 29 Sep 2017 07:36:18 GMT

Things are getting progressively worse. My older son has completely cut off his support. I don't know my work mates well enough to ask for help. I really feel like I am on my own.

I feel like crying all the time and wonder is life worth all this hassle. I know you are all trying to help amd I thank you for your support and words of encouragement.

At the moment I feel extremely lost and lonely. It's so hard to be positive about anything. This afternoon on my way home from work I wondered what it would be like if I hurt myself. Really stupid thinking I know. I just hated the thought of going home and wondering what's waiting for me. I keep finding excuses to not go home.

I really need to toughen up I know but it's hard.

Branka xxx

Anxiety and depression/loneliness

Croix — Fri, 29 Sep 2017 13:04:52 GMT

Dear Branka~

I'm sorry things are this bad. I'm surprised, I had thought your elder son had argued on your behalf, maybe I misunderstood and there is more to it.

After last night have you thought about simply moving out? That can seem a very difficult thing to do, both emotionally and at the practical level, however there are crisis services available as you know.

I don't blame you for putting off going home, I would too under the circumstances.

Nobody on this earth should be driven to the extreme where they think of harming themselves. It is a big warning flag that something needs to be done straight away.

It's not that your thinking is stupid - it's not. Its poison from that house putting a very great strain on you. With that amount of stress many of us (me included) react that way thinking it might take our mind of things for a moment.

Would you like to say what you think might be a practical thing to do?

Croix