topic I don't know what to say in Long-term support over the journey

I don't know what to say

james1 — Fri, 12 Aug 2016 06:31:26 GMT

Hello everyone,

I don't really know what to say.

I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.

You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.

I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark.

Steady drums

He cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,
Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,
Who condemn his long unrelenting fall
Into cold black dreams where his demons fly.

Day brings back the spindly claws
Of imps that crawl from beneath his bed;
they hook like leeches into all his flaws
and drink through fangs until they are fed.

Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow bold
And spin bloody chambers around his heart
Which beats like a drum dressed in gold,
Sold to the devil who will never depart.

The chambers burst and hellhounds are loose
They rage inside and reek abuse.
The drums beat louder and echo in his head
They rupture his veins until he is bled.

He is only a man with a dying light,
A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,
“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,
“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.

And yet while the flame can still flicker,
And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,
The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,
Until he is safe from this strife.

I don't know what to say

blondguy — Fri, 12 Aug 2016 09:58:18 GMT

Hey James..no advice here...just admiration....

James had the courage to say: I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I hear your pain loud and clear...

Here for you my friend

Paul (Hugs)

I don't know what to say

Guest_322 — Fri, 12 Aug 2016 12:09:03 GMT

Wow, that was a very powerful poem. So evocative and painful. I can hear the exhaustion and agony. Considering everything that has happened recently, each day must feel like a daily battle.

I know that my words are just words and won't make things better for you- and maybe that's not the point anyway. Maybe it's more about you getting some of the pain out of your system and feeling heard. Well, like Paul, I hear you too.

I don't know what to say

Doolhof — Fri, 12 Aug 2016 23:05:41 GMT

Hi James,

I too find your poem to be incredibly descriptive of how you are feeling when in the depth of depression.

Here is my reply to you James and to all who find themselves in the darkenss:

The candle flickers as though it may go out

I grasp onto it and cradle the flame

Slowly the glow increases and I feel a faint warmth

Hope arises as the flame grows stronger

I look around and the darkness is receding

I hold the candle high above my head

Demons scurry into the recesses of gloom

Fear drops from me and falls to the ground

I pick myself up and hold the candle before me

I take a step into the light I see ahead

For a moment I pause and wonder can it be true

Is there a way out of this hell?

I take another step forward, then I ponder my thoughts

I look behind me and feel gripped once again

With much determination and courage I face forward once more

I take another step feeling braver this time

Now I have a sense of peace creeping in

Only slightly, but it is there

Something for me to hold onto

To encourage to grow and bloom within.

I feel something else, what can that be?

I feel the presence of others who have been where I have been

There understanding, acceptance, caring and thoughts

Are fuelling me to continue on

Slowly I walk out of the darkness into the light

Guided by hope, confidence and new dreams

Maybe I can do this, break free for a while

Build up my strength, resilience and support.

If the demons come back, and haunt me again

I know it is not the end, just a step back for a while

I have climbed out of this hell many times

I know I can do it once again

I know I will be stronger, wiser more caring

Due to all I have been through

I don't wish this journey on anyone

It can be hell

But hope is with me and caring friends too

The demons are back in hell where they belong

As for me I'm progressing forward

With my face being warmed by the glorious sun.

I don't know what to say

james1 — Sat, 13 Aug 2016 10:50:21 GMT

Hi paul, dottie and mrs Dools,

Thanks for the replies - I really appreciate the support. I don't even know what I'm really looking for...just a place to air my thoughts and soak in some support.

And thank you Mrs dools for the uplifting and beautiful poem. There's a lot of great images in there, but I especially liked:

- To encourage to grow and bloom within. -

That's why I go on; I hope to achieve just that.

I don't know what to say

Doolhof — Sun, 14 Aug 2016 01:18:35 GMT

Hi James,

Some days can be really tough. Some days we have no idea what will help.

It is excellent we have this place where we can just be ourselves, no matter what state we are in.

Take in all the love, care and support you need and want. There is plenty here!

Express yourself in any way that helps. If you need to off load negative stuff, people here understand with out being judgemental and without telling you to just pull your socks up.

While you are logged in, maybe you would like to look at some of the posts in the Social Zone. Some days I pop into the "BB Café" for a goodaye or join in with some of the fun posts.

Small steps James, out of the darkness into the light. You are never alone, there are always people available to listen to you. Even if they are strangers on the end of a phone help line, or caring souls here at BB.

Sending you encouragement to do something today that you enjoy and to enjoy the moment.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

I don't know what to say

james1 — Mon, 15 Aug 2016 00:17:50 GMT

Thanks for the encouragement Mrs Dools.

Yesterday I ran the Sydney City2Surf and 3 things made my day:

1) beating my target time of 90min, and running 77min,

2) seeing the BeyondBlue team running, and

3) I spent a good hour talking to a stranger later that day, just someone who was on the ferry with me.

I felt terrible again afterwards, but at least during the race and on the ferry, things were okay.

I don't know what to say

blondguy — Mon, 15 Aug 2016 00:26:12 GMT

Hey James

I didnt know Beyond Blue had a team running!! Cool.

James wrote: "Yesterday I ran the Sydney City2Surf
1) beating my target time of 90min, and running 77min,

You STAR! Well done 🙂

your friend.....(I hope you have some peace soon James)

Paul

I don't know what to say

james1 — Mon, 15 Aug 2016 00:31:34 GMT

Thanks 🙂

Yeah, I saw at least 20 (or maybe the same 3 people 10 times!) BB singlets on the run which was nice.

I don't know what to say

Chris_B — Mon, 15 Aug 2016 00:57:57 GMT

james1 said:
Thanks 🙂

Yeah, I saw at least 20 (or maybe the same 3 people 10 times!) BB singlets on the run which was nice.

Hi James, thanks so much for doing the run. Would you like to add this to our achievements thread?

Share your achievements, small or big

I don't know what to say

james1 — Mon, 15 Aug 2016 01:04:14 GMT

Yes! That's a great idea Chris.

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Starwolf — Mon, 15 Aug 2016 01:05:20 GMT

Well done James !

Your achievements are worth a standing ovation.

I don't know what to say

Rock — Mon, 15 Aug 2016 03:49:24 GMT

I know how you feel about always landing at the bottom of the mountain...I've began to wonder if the summit is just too far away to see yet or if it even exists at all. Anyway, hope remains and I believe you can get through.

Also, that poem was just amazing. You're very good at poetry! Depression may be a hellish curse, but if nothing else it makes a powerful muse.

I don't know what to say

Guest_322 — Tue, 16 Aug 2016 03:17:33 GMT

Well done indeed! What an amazing achievement to celebrate. Hat off to you, James! Definitely something to feel proud of completing!

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james1 — Tue, 16 Aug 2016 14:35:46 GMT

Thanks everyone. I just saw that BB also has a fundraising thing for the Blackmores Half Marathon which I already signed up to, so I'll get on the fundraising bandwagon! Only one month to go annoy all my friends and co-workers, haha.

I don't know what to say

Starwolf — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 01:49:02 GMT

Hi James,

There are things that must be said...you may be in a very dark place at the moment but you have been bringing light into other people's life. Your contribution at BB is much appreciated, particularly because you are struggling yourself. Mental conditions often makes us self-centered but the demons assailing you are powerless in front of a big heart. Compassion shines through your posts. This light hasn't been extinguished. You may be wounded but far from a failure. Your courage is an inspiration. How come you see yourself cowed ?

I have been in such dark, cold places and torn to pieces by demons. Acceptance that I was losing the battle was the best thing that ever happened to me. I shifted my focus from the darkness to the flickering light in me. The more I nurtured it, the stronger it grew. I found that demons could be brought into that light and their power used in creative ways.

There is a Phoenix in each and everyone of us.

I don't know what to say

Airies — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 02:06:08 GMT

Well done James,

great achievement and time. Just finishing is an achievement . As a former runner I envy you. I miss those endorfins so much. Training for a half marathon brilliant, Loved that distance.. Maybe a marathon beckons. I haven't run for 15 years or so.. My joints are kaput. You are young and these days training plans are much smarter.. Good luck with your training. I plan to get back on my push bike come September 1

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Guest_5218 — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 03:15:51 GMT

Well done James on your City2Surf achievement on the weekend. A fantastic effort in achieving your goals or in fact even bettering them with your time. Good for you also in speaking to a stranger afterwards.

Did you feel as though you were running amongst friends when you saw all the BB team running with you? (-:

King regards to you James.

Sherie xx

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james1 — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 03:47:09 GMT

Hey Starwolf, thank you for your kind words and anecdote. I try my best to tell people of my little achievements here and there even though its not something I've ever done - everyone always describes me as the guy who celebrates for everyone else, but never himself. So I'm trying to change that and give my little flame a little extra wick to keep burning.

Igbran - Thanks. Sorry about your knees but I'm glad you found another outlet in your pushbike. I actually have a longer term goal of completing a sprint triathlon in 2 years time so I'm eager to jump back in the pool again when it gets warmer. That's meant to be pretty good for the knees too if you want ot give it a go!

Thanks Sherie, I sure did feel among friends! Even though I didn't know anyone and we were all running solo, we were running solo, together. And I think that's what these forums are about - we've all got our own monsters to deal with, but we can do it together.

You guys are awesome. I love you all.

James

I don't know what to say

geoff — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 19:44:50 GMT

hi James, these achievements are the little steps which can provide some inspiration for you when you need to fall back on, that's something we need to look for once depression has come upon us.
You could go along and enjoy the last 6 months or more of your life doing whatever pleases you, but then suddenly for no apparent reason something strikes a chord and then that black door opens once again, why, why does this need to happen, well sometimes we have no idea, but the important part here is that when you have overcome depression before, it will once again happen to you.
Give yourself time to reassess your situation and know that you have come good many times before, that's the most important part here is 'that you have come good before'.
Running Marathons does a couple of things, it gives you plenty of time to think and there are times when you just want to give up but you know you never will, that's the push, the determination you have to succeed, so in reality your depression is just another marathon, and I wish you the best luck for this next one, and take pride in yourself and for what you are running for.
Now I can't run 100m let alone all those 23km runs, but understand that I still have a marathon to run with my depression.
James your participation in replying to those asking us for help has been magnificent and very supportive, so please take care. Geoff.