topic help needed - i just can't ask in Long-term support over the journey

help needed - i just can't ask

annie45 — Mon, 27 Mar 2017 02:01:40 GMT

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i feel depressed and they ask all the right questions, but I can't respond. I can't verbalise it. Worse still I immediately put on a brave face and downplay how I feel when they ask. I don't want to. I want to express how horrible I feel but I can't. I'm not suicidal but I constantly picture myself doing something to hurt myself, something that will release me from this place - almost wishing that I could, but I have two young children and a wonderful husband that i can't do that to. I had a good week last week, and felt as though I was improving, yet the past two days I feel myself going down again. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Please help

help needed - i just can't ask

JessF — Mon, 27 Mar 2017 02:46:46 GMT

Hello annie45, welcome here, and please don't be nervous. You're in a good place here for support. It sounds like things are in quite a bit of turmoil for you inside, but you don't feel able to put this into words with those closest to you.

There's already a silver lining to the cloud, though... you have just done it. You've written in a really clear way exactly how you are feeling and what's going on. You feel like you "just can't ask"... but by posting, you just have.

You will find a number of posts here from people feeling similarly 'closed' when it comes to asking for the help they need, so you are not alone in this.

Its good that you have a cousnellor you connect with. I would start by printing out this post and taking it to your next session. The issue you have with 'putting on a brave face' and telling people the exact opposite of how you are actually feeling is worth exploring and breaking down.

It's worrying too that, although you say you are not suicidal, you are describing thoughts that are very much about ending your life. You describe these feelings as longing for a 'release', this too is quite common. It's a sign that the feelings are of such an intense level that you are wanting to just switch them off. I've felt like that too.

Well done on a great first post. Try not to be too discouraged about feeling your mood sink after a few good days. Depression has it's ups and downs, and there will be bad days amongst the good. As you move forward though you will notice fewer bad days.

help needed - i just can't ask

annie45 — Tue, 28 Mar 2017 01:25:49 GMT

Thank you! Today is a better day but it's days like yesterday that shock me to the core. I don't know if I have the courage to print out what I wrote yesterday but I'll try. Thanks for caring

help needed - i just can't ask

Quercus — Tue, 28 Mar 2017 02:49:59 GMT

Hi annie45,

I'm so thankful for your post because I can honestly say I've been in a very similar situation and relate to you. You've made the most important step by opening up and talking to someone about how you're feeling. In my experience everyone here just wants you to feel better and this is a safe place to talk about whatever you want and need to.

I'm really sorry to hear how bad you're feeling and glad that you have friends and family who love you and are just waiting for you to reach out for help.

JessF has some really good advice but I understand why you are reluctant to print it out and share. On my good days I felt like a completely different person, that I was overreacting, that I was wasting my psychologist's time and it wasn't that bad... And then I'd get a bad day again.

Eventually hubby got me to write down how I felt on a bad day and put it in an envelope to give my psychologist. Handing over that envelope was both the hardest, most humiliating thing I have ever done and the BEST thing I have ever done for myself because it finally got me the help I needed.

I guess what I want to say is that there is hope. You aren't alone, we are listening if you want to talk.

help needed - i just can't ask

annie45 — Tue, 28 Mar 2017 08:42:23 GMT

Thank you Quercus. I had tears as I read your response and I no longer feel so alone. I often write how I feel on a bad day and try to be as honest as i can. And yet when i read it a couple of days later when im feeling good it seems as though its a different person. I often feel like my brain has been picked up and replaced with another one during my bad days. And then on a good day I can't quite believe that's how bad i felt. I do feel like im wasting my counsellors time but deep down i know that i need to continue. In fact last session i even tried to convince her that i was better - it took me only 4 days before i rang up and booked another session. Thank you for taking the time to respond and showing that you care. I really appreciate it.

help needed - i just can't ask

White_Rose — Tue, 28 Mar 2017 11:51:13 GMT

Hello Annie

Good to meet you and welcome to Beyond Blue. The other two ladies have made great suggestions. There are a number of times I have written down how I feel, just as you and Quercus have done, and felt a complete idiot giving the paper to my GP or psychiatrist. But it does help. I feel as though I have handed over a huge burden. I don't think I've convinced myself that's all I have to do, but it is a great help.

Writing on your bad days and reading on your good days is guaranteed to make you feel you are making it up, over reacting, being silly and sorry for yourself plus any other comments I've missed out. That's what depression does. You write down all the horribleness you feel, then read it on a good day and that sneaky Black Dog whispers in your ear saying things like, See I told you you were over reacting, you feel OK today don't you so no need to talk to anyone, who is going to listen, you are wasting everyone's time.

This is the time to teach the dog some manners, make it stay in the kennel and walk to heel when you are out. You do this by writing everything down and giving it to your psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellor to read. After a while you will be able to open up without the writing and that will be a red letter day. You can learn how to replace the bad thoughts with something more pleasant. e.g. I'm going to work in the garden today, meet a friend for coffee (why do we always say coffee?), read a book although that does take concentration on a bad day, go for a walk, join an exercise class. There's a lot of evidence that shows moderate exercise such as a 20 minute walk, has an amazingly positive effect on your mental health.

Jess has commented on your well written post. I agree so write a bit more or simply print out this post. Try it and see. Then come back and tell us how it all went. That is one success story I would love to read.

Mary

help needed - i just can't ask

Quercus — Wed, 29 Mar 2017 00:14:01 GMT

Hi Annie45,

I'm glad to hear from you and that you don't feel so alone. It will good to hear that you are getting some help and feeling better.

You wrote about writing down your feelings..."when i read it a couple of days later when im feeling good it seems as though its a different person" and that really struck home to me. I always seemed to have a good day or perform when I saw the psychologist or GP so I wasn't able to explain how I was feeling because I felt embarrassed and ridiculous.

Mary (White Rose) told me something once that really helped me when I felt like I was wasting my psychiatrist's time and wasn't able to make myself a priority and I'd like to share it with you too...

You are a worthwhile person.

I really needed to hear that and I hope it helps you too. Your health is important not just because you are a mum or a wife or a friend but because of who you are. And it is okay to admit you want to feel better and you need someone to help you.

So it's worth taking the risk and feeling embarrassed letting your counsellor or GP or husband read this thread if it gets you the help you need.

help needed - i just can't ask

annie45 — Fri, 31 Mar 2017 08:33:39 GMT

Hi All. Thank you for your replies they have made me feel very welcome. I had a counselling session yesterday but didn't tell her about my thoughts of hurting myself. I really don't understand why im having them because i have no intention on doing them - they are definitely more like fantasies. I can honestly say that there is no plan to innact them but the fact that i have them upsets me. I'm scared that if i do tell her what the repercussions will be. I don't want anyone to worry about me. On a better note I've had a good day today and I really feel as though i made some progress with my counselling session yesterday. Thanks again to you all

help needed - i just can't ask

Quercus — Sat, 01 Apr 2017 05:47:52 GMT

Hi annie45,

I'm glad to hear from you and that you went and talked to your counsellor and are feeling good today.

Is it ok if I ask have you told anyone (apart from on here) about the thoughts about hurting yourself? It's alright if you're not comfortable answering it's just I am worried about you because I've been there.

I did the same thing for years only talking generally about feeling down and overwhelmed. If the psych, doc or my hubby asked me if I was thinking of hurting myself I said oh it's just a passing thought I get sometimes, it's not a big deal, I will never act on it. And yet whenever the house was quiet the thoughts would creep back in until I was frightened of my own head and the obsessive thoughts I couldn't get rid of.

Owning up to those feelings and admitting I was afraid terrified me. Would they take my kids away? Would they put me in hospital? What really happened was the doctor and psychologist finally got to see how miserable I really felt and I got some really important things put in place. First we made a crisis plan and I was told what I was feeling was valid and that I had every right to call the helplines, ask for help and go to the ER if I needed to. The psychologist said it might be good for me to go to hospital for a few days but when I freaked out she backed off as long as I saw my GP. I got referred to a psychiatrist who gave me a diagnosis and medication and the obsessive thoughts stopped. Then we made a plan for therapy. It's a work in progress but I feel hopeful and not frightened anymore.

What I'm trying to say is you need to be honest to your health providers otherwise how can they truly help you? It is frightening to put yourself out there but you deserve to feel better.

I'm sorry if this doesn't help you or if it brings you down on a good day. Take care of yourself and I hope to hear how you are going.

help needed - i just can't ask

White_Rose — Sat, 01 Apr 2017 10:19:49 GMT

Hello Annie

I don't think I can give you a better reply than Quercus. Suicidal thoughts are just that, thoughts. Sometimes it can give the feeling of being in control of your life. Not that it's a good thought to dwell on.

Quercus has told you how her thoughts affected her and I can add I have had these thoughts as well. No one rushed to put me in hospital or told me off in any way. There was only concern about the pain I was going through. No doubt the person you talk to will help you to make a safety plan, but you can start that yourself. Get the Beyond Now app for your phone and fill in the sections on your own or with your counsellor.

In reality, if you show your counsellor this app and have started to complete it, it will show you are taking steps to keep yourself safe. He/she will still be concerned about you but will feel you are trying to be safe as much as possible.

If you are still nervous about telling someone would you please phone the suicide callback service. This service is operated by trained mental health staff who will give you help encourage and advice. Ph 1300 659 467 available 24/7. Also have a look at their web site https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ This is a great resource for you. I have talked to them with the same thoughts as you and they were fantastic.

Take care of yourself.

Mary

help needed - i just can't ask

annie45 — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 05:11:19 GMT

Hi all,
Just wanted to give everyone who responded to my post a heartfelt thank you. The warmth and caring has helped me feel like I'm not alone and I can ask for help.I just wanted to write a post to let you all know how I'm going. I've just returned from a weeks holiday, caravanning with friends which although I was very nervous about going to, I thoroughly enjoyed. There were a few days that I wasn't 100% but I was able to tell hubby and he let me have some space - which helped a lot. I definitely feel I'm over the worst of my depression for now, and I'm hoping that by continuing to do the counselling (something thats dropped off as soon as i got better in the past) I may stay well. I wrote a letter to my 16 year old self today which was part of my homework from the counsellor - a really interesting thing to do. Initially I cringed at the idea of dragging the past up, but now that it's done I can really see how the advice I gave my then self was still relevant today. I've still got a bit of work to do - forgiving a unforgivable act to start with, but I'm feeling hopefully which is something that I haven't felt for months. I wish you all the very best with your own personal journeys and hope that you are able to get your dog to heal - if not all of the time then most xx

help needed - i just can't ask

White_Rose — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 06:50:13 GMT

Thank you Annie for letting us know how you are going.

It's a good idea to stay with your counsellor even if you think you are improving. As you have found out, and all of us here as well, feeling good for a few days does not mean you are well enough to stop counselling. Glad you are feeling hopeful because that's when the healing starts.

Forgiving the unforgivable is a hard task. I know because this is what I need to do. I know I will not be at peace until it's done and in reality the other person will not care two hoots what I think. Forgiveness is for ourselves, helping us to drag out the horribleness and send it on its way. Otherwise it continues to fester and stops us becoming the person we really are underneath.

Remember to come and talk to us any time you wish.

Mary

help needed - i just can't ask

Quercus — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 07:16:58 GMT

Hi Annie45,

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better!

I agree with Mary it's good that you are going to keep on with the counsellor.

You mentioned in your most recent post that you've stopped counselling before once you feel better. Does that mean you've felt like this before? Do your health providers know this?

It's important to explain to your GP or counsellor if it's not the first time you are experiencing depression. My psychiatrist has put me on medication and said I will be on them for at least a year probably more for the simple fact that this is my second major depressive event (the first went undiagnosed and untreated).

Feel welcome to keep writing and talking... You can be one of the stories that give people hope on the forum 😊

help needed - i just can't ask

White_Rose — Sat, 15 Apr 2017 11:10:06 GMT

Hello Annie

Just dropping by to say hello and how are you going. I hope all is well in your world. Remember we are here for the days when you feel down and when you feel fantastic. We love celebrating.

Mary

help needed - i just can't ask

annie45 — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 10:15:18 GMT

Hi all

I've had a rough couple of days. I find it so mentally exhausting to continue to fight the black dog. I try to ignore it, i tell myself self-affirming thoughts, i exercise, eat well and play happy music. I tell myself i'm on the improve, post here that i'm better but i'm not. Unfortunately this is what everyone sees so they assume I'm better too. I use every ounce of energy to fight it and not feed it but then I simply run out and it hits me like a freight train. I feel angry that I can't shake it, that it won't let me be the person I want to be.

help needed - i just can't ask

Quercus — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 13:30:43 GMT

Hi Annie45,

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time at the moment! Depression is relentless huh. It's an ongoing fight and we're all with you especially on days like today.

It's time to focus on yourself again, your health is priority number one. If that means calling in reinforcements from your family and friends to give you a rest than so be it. Have you got an appointment with your counsellor booked? Forgive me but I've forgotten if you are on meds if so maybe have a chat to your GP and see what they think too.

Take care of yourself and feel free to talk more if you can.

help needed - i just can't ask

Jess108 — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 14:50:12 GMT

Hi Annie,

This is the first time I've been on this website as I have been feeling really down the last couple of and have experienced some intense feelings of self loathing and have been having some pretty unpleasant thoughts and wanting a release from them. I read your story and I can really relate to what you are feeling. Your last post made me register on this website so I could reply to you to let you know that you are not alone. That your story and what you're going through actually has helped me feel better - that I'm not the only one.

I think most of my life at certain times I have felt deep down that I'm just not good enough. Then I do things to try to make myself feel good enough. What I have just discovered is that much of that has led me to be inauthentic. I seem to do and say things sometimes that are really not me. I've been trying so hard to be someone better than me... and it's exhausting. And it turns out people don't actually like this pseudo identity I've unwittingly created. So I've decided I'm going to just stop trying be someone I'm not. Sometimes we get boxed in to being a certain way with certain people - we put on the brave, happy face, the outgoing personality - when actually it's all a farce to make people think we are worthwhile, happy, fun, likeable people. I want to be real. I want to be authentic. By realising this, some of the weight and burden has lifted. I've broken a loop in my mind. It's to do with acceptance. Acceptance of the situation, of reality and acceptance of myself. It's about letting go of all the stuff that is not important (the drama and negative thoughts) and trusting in the bigger picture of life. We are all on a journey. Nothing is a mistake if we can learn from it and turn it around and transform the negative into a positive.

I read something today that has also helped, The Little Book of Confidence by Susan Jeffers:

I call the voice of the Lower Self, the Chatterbox. It sounds like this: 'I'm not good enough.' 'I'll never get ahead.' 'Everyone else does it better than me'. 'Noone likes me.' Or any other thought that takes away your confidence. To quiet the chatterbox, commit to replacing it with the voice of the Higher Self which always tells you that your are good enough and pulls you up into the best of who you are.

Thank you for sharing your story and providing others with a window into your journey. I was really inspired by your honesty. Your authenticity!

Jess xx

help needed - i just can't ask

annie45 — Wed, 19 Apr 2017 12:27:04 GMT

Thanks Quercus

It's always nice to hear that there's support for me here. A little bit about myself - to fill in some gaps... I grew up early and learnt to fend for myself. Emotions were a weakness and needed to be supressed. Depression (undiagnosed and untreated) hit in my teens and lasted well into my early 20's. But I fought it and won. I became a confident, positive person. Unfortunately a few traumas happened along the way, which I conventionally didnt have time for and the emotions got squished down. The last few years have been full on with two kids 5&4. There's a lot less time for me and a lot more stress. I find asking for help to be a major weakness and extremely difficult to do. I'm working on improving this but it's bloody hard. I'm working as a personal trainer at the moment which is a challenge - it's emotionally draining to get up and empower others when you struggle holding yourself upright. I'm not on any meds and I'm very unwilling to go down that path. I think part of me is in denial about the severity of my depression whilst part of me is confident that I just need to shake it off and get on with things. I'm a big believer that with physical injury if you work hard enough at strengthening the supporting structures around an injury, then most things can be fixed. I'm prepared to do everything I can to fix this situation without meds, hopefully I can. I understand that meds are great for some people and i hope this doesn't come across as judgemental at all...

It all sounds so very logical of how im going to fix myself - i just wish it was as easy as this.....

thanks again for replying - I hope that you're having a good week

help needed - i just can't ask

annie45 — Wed, 19 Apr 2017 12:41:14 GMT

Welcome Jess!

I'm really happy that you have joined this community - its very supportive and knowledgeable. I'm sorry that you're feeling the way that you do. Finding ones place in the world can be really difficult and we don't need depression in our heads telling us nonsense like we are no good. Please read the amazing posts above regarding unpleasant thoughts and wanting release. They are horrible thoughts to experience and you need to make yourself safe.

I enjoyed reading your quote from the book. Unfortunately at the moment anytime I try to let my higher self speaker i get shivers down my spine, as if my body is repulsed but any talk of self worth or self affirmation. But i will continue to try

Please continue to post in this forum and in this thread as I can tell you have a lot of good wisdom. I hope that you find the support and comfort that I do from these amazing people.

All the best

help needed - i just can't ask

Quercus — Fri, 19 May 2017 03:03:12 GMT

Hi Annie45,

I saw your reply on my thread and to be honest it's not good enough that I forgot to reply here. I appreciate you understanding but its one of the reasons I try and limit the amount of people I respond to.

I get overwhelmed. And I remind myself constantly that the people on here are just like me. Vulnerable. And needing to know they're important and worthwhile. And you are important and worthwhile so I am sorry.

You mentioned here unforgivable acts (and rape on my thread). Have you spoken about this to anyone? Does your husband or friends or counsellor or GP know? You've read my thread there are things we just can't bury and move on from. What's your opinion on this?

I agree with what you wrote above about wanting to do everything possible to avoid meds. That was me for most of my life. Then I got to a point where I just couldn't keep myself together anymore.

Now I've accepted sometimes meds are necessary. That doesn't mean relying solely on meds. All of the other things we do (mindfullness, therapy, exercise, diet... List goes on) are equally as necessary. I've come to accept depression is a medical illness no less than my autoimmune disease. I accept I need meds to help me to walk along with my diet and exercise and losing weight so it's really no different to need meds to support my mind along with the other techniques I use. What do you feel about this?

Now...just to make sure you have more support... Have you read the threads by Fiasco or Stressless? They are both in a similar place as you and I. And I meant what I said about you being welcome on my thread too please feel free to join any conversation (the same goes to you Jess108!).

Take care and I look forward to talking to you more.