topic It doesn't get any better in Long-term support over the journey

It doesn't get any better

Lostworld — Tue, 21 Mar 2017 15:18:30 GMT

It's been 2 years now that i have been seeing doctors near weekly and still my mind is clouded with the question "Why?" Why go on, why bother, life is just too hard, i keep thinking of how to end it, the anti depressants i just came off had me curled up in bed 20 hours a day grinding my teeth and petrified to got out, even now I am off them, i feel it's all pointless.

It doesn't get any better

Croix — Wed, 22 Mar 2017 08:59:05 GMT

Dear Lostworld~

Hi, I'm Croix. I see you have a fair number of posts racked up, but I can't find any of them, so I guess they must have been before my time. It sounds pretty grim for you at the moment. While I'm reasonably good now I can remember before, and maybe that was something like you have been facing now.

2 years of doctors weekly -um , not effective. I don't blame you for thinking it pointless. I sure did. I was lucky - well I got lucky later, not to start with.

I was a policeman, invalided out with PTSD, depression and anxiety. Funnily enough things got worse some time after I left and then I was in the pits. Meds had not helped - not that much help all along up till then to be quite frank.

I ended up in hospital and something changed. New meds was part of it, getting away from life - everything removed - was for me a big factor. When I came out things slowly got better. I also found something real simple I liked to do, kept me occupied and away.

All I can say to you is that for me sticking with trying out meds and therapies ended up 'clicking' and a solution of sorts.

You don't say much about yourself in your post. You have a nice dog in your picture - I like dogs and normally have two, but just one at the moment, same size as the one in your pic, but fatter - bit like a blimp with a toothpick on each corner. Stronger than me though, determined little thing

Would you like to come back and say a little more about yourself, if you have a family, if there is anything in this life you like or gives a little peace?

Thanks

Croix

It doesn't get any better

Doolhof — Wed, 22 Mar 2017 21:57:51 GMT

Hi Lostworld,

Late January I was in a similar place to you. Thanks to a kind-hearted and lovely Policeman I was taken to my Dr. and to the hospital to be admitted. The compassionate man stayed with me until I had a room and a bed.

I understand the toughness of the journey that seems so tough you just want to check out.

It sounds like a cliché and probably something you don't think will help, but there is help out there, you can still find hope.

I was in a small country hospital where there was no mental health care of any kind. I cried, I agonised over what I had become. I was beside myself.

My Dr. put me on a different medication. Slowly, day by day through the struggles I see a little more light in my life.

Gardening has been therapy for me. We have 5 acres so there is a lot to do. I work like crazy, get rid of frustrations, anger and pain while out in the fresh air and sunshine.

No one feels the same kind of pain as another person, we do understand depression and how it can make you feel as Croix has also shared with you.

Lostworld, there is hope. You do have a future. Right now you can't see it. It is there. Somewhere in the gloom of depression there is a way out.

Take a step today to try and do one small thing that will make your day seem brighter.

The battle is tough, I don't like the alternative, so I will keep battling on.

From Dools

It doesn't get any better

geoff — Wed, 22 Mar 2017 22:44:16 GMT

hello Lostworld, I know it's been a long time for you to suffer, much too long, so now when a suggestion is offered to you don't have any energy or inspiration to even want to begin to try, why should you because something similar has been suggested and did it work, no.
So, is the problem that nothing works, because time after time the same ideas are mentioned, and by now aren't you sick and tired of listening to these people hum-drumming you, do this do that, but why would you even want to try again and again because it can't break the block from getting well.
You need someone to give you a new direction, because that's what I did, I changed my whole life and turned it around, everything I did before and once loved, was thrown out the window, and I started a new life, because I turned a full circle, and started doing something that I never thought I would even like doing, but I did so I began to feel much better, there were issues that I could never solve, so I pushed them all away, and if I think that I could tackle them, then depression came back, so I never asked the question why again.
These are locked up in a box as I say, and thrown out to sea where they will never annoy me again.
Please get back to us. Geoff.

It doesn't get any better

blondguy — Thu, 23 Mar 2017 00:13:26 GMT

Hi Barry

Great to see you back! I read that you are still doing it hard.

I love the pic of your dog...Is he a medical assist K9?

you are (and have been) an important part of the BB forums. I really hope you can stick around

takes a lot of guts to post and heal when our brain is continually pulling us in the opposite direction

my best wishes for you to find some peace Barry. You deserve it.

Paul

It doesn't get any better

Lostworld — Thu, 23 Mar 2017 14:32:45 GMT

Croix

Its hard right now, my sister left to take up a job in New Zealand, both my adopted parents dead from cancer and we nursed them at home till the end, hard to process seeing your once healthy parents a 35kg mess that can't even get to the toilet. To make it harder i have just been told by an adoption agency that at the start of April my birth mother wants to meet me.

About me, diagnosed with PTSD, PPPD, benign prostatic hyperplasia, pheochromocytoma's, bipolar scitzophrenia, L5/S1 50%, top 3 neck discs bulging, full thickness tear in tendon on right shoulder rotator cuff. Chronic pain.

I too worked for the police for about 7 years, doing basic forensics in murder and suicide scenes for the Royal Thai police, they don't understand western mentally and can't read English, so any written evidence i had to translate.

4 scuba diving accidents ended up with type 2 DCS, which means there was neurological involvement, now i have weakness in one side, no feeling one side, reflexes a mess.

My dog is a blue heeler and an assistance dog, i am getting a red heeler soon, his daughter after her last litter from the breeder.

My GP referred me to the psychiatrist here and i got a letter back saying i am discharged from their service before i have even seen them.

It doesn't get any better

Lostworld — Thu, 23 Mar 2017 14:38:19 GMT

Dools
I am wondering where this help is, how can they help me, 2 years and i wish i was back where i started. The only drugs that are helping are S8 and now they want to take me off them due to stupid rules, they don't care about quality of life.

Every time i try to do something positive it's ends up a mess

It doesn't get any better

Lostworld — Sat, 25 Mar 2017 16:56:19 GMT

Paul

Thanks, you know me a lot more than just what i post on here, and how much i am going through, not to say you don't have problems too, yours are similar in a lot of ways, but I have rapidly got closer to the end of the piece of string. The next week will be hard dropping off the tablets we discussed, back to a tablet that doesn't work for me and they just won't listen. Hence i am posting at this time now insomnia has kicked back in thanks to our useless government. They don't care about the pain they inflict on us, just about how to win the next election, democracy sux, it didn't work for the Roman's and no one else since has got it right, USA seems to have a chance and i hope for our sakes we can get someone who will do the right thing.

It doesn't get any better

blondguy — Sun, 26 Mar 2017 18:48:09 GMT

Hi Barry

I know you are in a really dark place

Im also keeping an eye out on my benzo at the moment as Canberra have just made any repeats illegal.

I always try to hope for the best but its taken me many years to find a great management tool and because of a minority that abuse the medication I am now being effected directly.

I think having tight controls on some meds is fine, but not at the cost of the people that have a reasonable quality of life by using them

my best

Paul

It doesn't get any better

blondguy — Mon, 27 Mar 2017 03:48:41 GMT

Apologies for the double text Barry

Im not a very good early morning poster Im afraid (my last post)

I remember you mentioned that you were in the Sydney to Hobart. I still even imagine getting my tired brain on one of those without being scared to death. I just dont know how you did it let alone air travel.

Anyhoo I also neglected to mention that your posts are just as important as anyone else's on here..mine included

It would be great if you could stick around and share some of your background and what you enjoyed doing before the crap hit the fan (only if you wish of course)

Its your thread, even if you want to vent we are here for you 🙂

I hope you are doing reasonably okay

kind thoughts

Paul

It doesn't get any better

Croix — Mon, 27 Mar 2017 07:43:56 GMT

Dear Lostworld~

Thanks for coming back.

Um - forensics was one of the things that speeded me to early retirement, don't want to think about it just now.

Anyway while I don't know much about you if I can offer a moment's distraction I will. The Zeppelin dog is 1/2 blue healer, though you would not know from her color - sort of cappuccino. What the other 1/2 is GK's.

I looked up Assistance Dogs on the Australia site, did not know much about their role. Was pleased to see a lot of motorbikes there, until my back gave out I rode all my life, better than cars.

What are you going to do with two dogs? Both assistance ones?

You did mention your birth mother, do you mind if I ask how you feel about that? In my case my birth mother & father disinherited me, a real favor as it turned out, though you could say I had 'mixed feelings' at the time.

Do you get on with your sister? If so her going away would leave a hole. North or south Island?

A zillion years ago my first wife and I went on the backpackers' route over there, best holiday we ever had.

One thing though, I'm convinced the kiwi is a national con-job to gull the tourists. None exist. Everywhere you go there are these shacks on the side of the road with big signs like "Thrill to the wild kiwis" stuck on plaster-of-paris moas' necks.

When you go inside it's dark, with a big glass plate to look through. Behind the glass is shrubbery - and that's it!. They were all the same. Never did see one.

Sydney to Hobart. I've been down to the dock a couple of times to see them come in, watched one gentleman fall in the water off a yacht, an enterprising sort, retained hold of his refreshment. Were you on a maxi or one of the smaller ones?

I hope you post back

Croix

It doesn't get any better

Lostworld — Mon, 27 Mar 2017 15:33:43 GMT

Paul

Asa refresher for you and info for others.

I am a professional yacht skipper and trainer under a the AYF. I have over 10,000 sea miles logged (20,000km), i have owned a few yachts and won race series and some very well with them a including fitting one out. I did the 1998 Sydney to Hobart and we were one of the 46 who finished out of 115, the conditions were so bad my crew on my watch could not relieve me and steer, so i steered the full 4 hours for 3 watches, you could not see where you I were going, the spray felt like broken glass if you tried to look into it. So i steered by feel, which i am very good at and beat my counter watch on a miles per watch. Waves? The police helicopter recorded one at 35 metres peak to trough, that's a ten story building, one 43 foot 11 ton yacht got end for ended twice down the face of one wave. Off watch a I got no sleep as i was navigator and was also on the radio as relay for the yachts further out who couldn't reach Sea Safety Canberra to request assistance.Yachts had a lost people overboard, one person had a heart attack, all in 5 lives were lost. Sikorsky had to redesign their auto hover as their helo's couldn't cope, they also redesigned their infrared detection as it couldn't pick up bodies in the water that were dead or hyperthermic, now they can detect a body 30 foot underwater that's been dead for 12 hours. This was the navy's helo's with navy pilot who struggled. The police helo on one rescue got to the site from shore in 10 minutes as they had a 230kmh tail wind, after getting every one on board they realised they were past bingo, alternative plans were quickly made to avoid fighting the head wind that would have caused them to ditch and they diverted to Merimbula football field, effectively going at 45 degree to the wind and landing basically with dry tanks.

Contd.

It doesn't get any better

Lostworld — Mon, 27 Mar 2017 15:47:34 GMT

We made the finish, 900 odd sea mils later, 110 sail changes and arrived in Hobart new year's Eve.

I felt i couldn't stop, i wanted to keep going, the body was still in fight mode and it wanted more, probably due to the Pheochromocytomas i have causing adrenaline near 24 hours.

It's not the worst seas i have seen either, there were 2 other occasions, one i thought i was going to die, then with hyperthermia it came close to it, yet with a small delivery crew i had to do my job, change the headsail in 30 foot seas, the foredeck was awash with water, i was holding the sail with what strength i had left, at times i just I wanted to let go and drift away into the night, holding on a and falling off the waves, the yachts bow dive 6 foot deep into the sea with me afloat holding nothing but sail luff, then the yacht powered up and i came crashing to the deck, we decided we had to run for cover, damage was taking place and we were starting to sink due to cracks where the keel was coming loose, we headed for Devonport and Melbourne would have to wait, the storm had killed the motor as well, so the 200 mile bass strait crossing was out of question.

Events like these I don't go away, everytime you see a yacht or the sea, you wonder, will this time be worse.

It doesn't get any better

Lostworld — Mon, 27 Mar 2017 16:00:41 GMT

Croix

My birth mother? Well i meet here for lu.Ch tomorrow, i cant sleep, i have chest pains, my mind a is a mess. So i will tell you more about my adopted parents and it all tomorrow.

My sister is the opposite, 2 degrees at once, science and engineering, then masters, now runs supply for all New Zealand hospitals and clinics, i would put it in my own words that she tolerates me, very condescending as well. So i avoid talking to her, but her husband is good and a go between, i can talk to him.

Yachties in the dock a after races, after one Melbourne to Hobart, which arrives a the same time as the Sydney yachts, the crews proceeded a to drink Hobart dry of Bundaberg Rum, which Bundaberg up the stocks as the extra sales are anticipated, but not as much as they expect, in Geelong one regatta the same happened where they drank a semi trailer load dry, Bundaberg were kind enough to bring another, which was gone by the end of the 4 days. Yachties, alcoholics with a sailing problem...

It doesn't get any better

Lostworld — Mon, 27 Mar 2017 16:10:24 GMT

Croix

Next i will get on to my diving, professional dive master, first aid instructor, EFR psychologist. Over 1,000 dives logged

So thats my quals, so how did i get bent 4 times and end up with type 2 DCS, decompression sickness with neurological involvement, that's where body functions like reflexes stop working. All the dives involved accidents, i will get in to that later, but i have around 30 dry dives logged in the Alfred's chamber, bthe the old and the new, i was "lucky" enough to be the first patient in the new chamber and with Ch 7 there filming it, the time a dry suit valve failed and i had an anxiety attack at 35 metres.

It doesn't get any better

Doolhof — Mon, 27 Mar 2017 21:19:26 GMT

Hi Lostworld,

Sometimes the help we need is within us. For me it has been a sense of acceptance and letting go of the things I may never be or never have. To be thankful for what I do have.

I'm thankful I have a husband even if he does say we are just friends and he doesn't support me much

I'm thankful I had the opportunity to bury our two precious babies, I was able to hold them and to say goodbye

I'm thankful for my dysfunctional childhood, it has given me compassion for others

I'm thankful for my 1st husband who beat me up, he gave me the strength o look after myself

I'm thankful for my back injury, it helps me to think outside the box

I'm thankful for my recent time in hospital, it made me realise I need to help myself more

I'm thankful for medication, even if it does not work as I desire, it is better than the alternative of no medication

I'm thankful for my life and that I do not live in a war torn country

I'm thankful that I try to find the good in every day even though it may be a struggle

I'm thankful for thoughts about dying, they help me understand people in a similar position

I'm thankful that I am me and don't have to be anyone else.

Help? Comes in many different forms. It can be hard to find but is worth pursuing. Without the hope of help being available in some form, life can be very hard. Sometimes it is within us.

Cheers from Dools

It doesn't get any better

Lostworld — Wed, 29 Mar 2017 14:09:26 GMT

Dools,

Sorry, but you have struck a lot of difficult points for me and i am not thankful for so many things, being taught to do the right thing, then when my father punched out my mother i rang 000, my mother then abused me for doing that and letting go people know what was going on, my whole life i have tried to put other people first to be accepted and then getting burnt or misused by them.

There is a lacking of support for mental health support because i shave, shower and try to dress nice, it seems the homeless person carrying Thier possessions around the with them in bags get treatment, while i get looked at that he is capable, well it's only skin deep and it's discrimination by health services from GP to specialists.

I am sick and tired of being bounced around by services and not getting the help needed, i wrote to every member of parliament tonight detailing my issues.

I get on a drug that works, but then my GP gets directed he has to stop it, if i stop it the mental health nurse who looks after says i will become suicidal. All because the system has failed me.

Again i am discriminated against because i am adopted, lgbti get special support when it has been proved adopted people develop mental health issues later in life.

My issues can't be cured, fact, the doctors say i am an addict when i try to tell them what they should do, if i say nothing they say i am in denial.

I want to know why the system can say there is nothing wrong when i keep presenting to ED, i am on high risk drugs, i have comorbidity with so many things wrong it's hard to treat as treating one can cause problems in the other. My quality of life is pathetic, i have no partner anymore, she left me due to this, i have no feelings of love or caring, i have no joy or happiness, why is life worth living, i get out of bed and God looks down and saws how can see screw his life up today, so i stay in bed and just hide. My mind is clouded with thoughts of just do it now and there will be peace, i know there will as i did before and was in a coma for 3 days then woke to the horror of all these tubes which i started ripping out, 10 male orderlys tried to hold me down, they couldn't, they put restraints on, i broke them.

I have forgotten what love is or what it's like to hold someone, if you can't have this in your life then there is no reason to go on.

People ask, so what's stops me from doing it again, and i feel like they are saying i am gutless.

It doesn't get any better

Lostworld — Wed, 29 Mar 2017 14:11:27 GMT

My life has been a battle that most would have given up long before, people say i am strong to get this far without giving in, i see it as i am too weak to take that step, but the branch is about to snap.

It doesn't get any better

blondguy — Wed, 29 Mar 2017 15:34:16 GMT

Hi Barry

I hope you have been okay without having to deal with too many potholes in the road you are on

I have just seen your thread and my apologies. I never saw your thread title come up when you have been posting. I have no idea why unless my ancient HP Microtower Intel Core 2 is failing. It wouldnt surprise me

Thanks for all your posts. I am looking forward to having a read

I hope that you and Titan are doing as well as possible Barry

Best, Paul

It doesn't get any better

geoff — Wed, 29 Mar 2017 22:15:06 GMT

hi Barry, you are more man than I am, there is no way I would ever go onto a yacht with 'high seas', I wonder what sort of excitement people can get when there is every chance of being thrown into the sea, or hanging on with a finger, that thought sends a chill down my back, so yes you are more a man than I will ever be, and want to compliment you.
Each one of us has our own strengths, but put me a boat on port phillip bay with just a ripple then I'm OK, with a hand line catching fish, then releasing them because I only eat shell fish, but then again I'm too far from home, so then I get anxious. Geoff.