topic unsure what to do in Long-term support over the journey

unsure what to do

Wednesday — Wed, 06 Jul 2016 01:04:23 GMT

Hello,

When do you know a relationship is over?

unsure what to do

JessF — Wed, 06 Jul 2016 01:17:04 GMT

Hello Wednesday, it's difficult to know how to respond to your post without more information. Going from your title, it sounds like you are wondering whether you should leave the relationship you are in. Is that right?

unsure what to do

Starwolf — Wed, 06 Jul 2016 03:46:49 GMT

Hi Wednesday,

A simple answer to a simple question ? When you can't carry on any longer without further damage being done and there is no hope for change.

Are you at the end of your tether ? Please feel free to vent/share your feelings if you wish. These forums are a safe place to do so.

unsure what to do

Wednesday — Wed, 06 Jul 2016 04:17:38 GMT

Hello JessF and Starwolf,

Thank you for getting back to me. I don't know where to start. I am tired of trying to make things work. He is a nice man but after a long time I haven't been able to get a good relationship with his adult children and it causes us ongoing problems. Tonight he is going to his daughter and her family for dinner but I am not invited. He is extremely anxious and I have major depressive illness, not a great combination.

I also have chronic illnesses and he is about to retire. Our focusses our different I need to find a way to survive or give up and he wants to travel. My illness and medications stop me travelling and to be honest it's not a lot of fun either. I spend most of my day resting and often can't move easily, so walking any distance is difficult. We seem to be on different paths.

I feel like I'm imploding. That I am a rotten person, it's hard to find myself in all of this. I don't recognise myself anymore. I am more and more isolated. I stopped inviting people over because he is not comfortable. Needless to say I am not making new friends and with everything it's too hard for old friends, most of which live interstate.

unsure what to do

Wednesday — Wed, 06 Jul 2016 04:25:22 GMT

PS. Yes I am wondering if I should leave the relationship.

unsure what to do

JessF — Wed, 06 Jul 2016 04:32:18 GMT

What a sad situation, Wednesday, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

Well, my take is, relationships when they're working are supposed to enrich your life, not shrink it, and it sounds from your post as if that has been happening. You have been compromising your own life to make this relationship work, and it's resulted in you losing ties with other supports and friends in your life. I see myself in this situation, I have been in relationships like this too. You want to make it work, so you put your time, love and energy into it, but then when things start to go wrong, you find yourself adrift.

I think the positive thing is that you know what has gone wrong, and you can see that you want different things out of life.Have you had this conversation with him at all? Getting everything out on the table should help clarify things one way or the other.

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Wednesday — Wed, 06 Jul 2016 04:54:42 GMT

I try to talk, but he says that we should just value the good times and focus on us.

I find the family stuff incredibly hurtful and can't seem to rise above feeling rejected. He says he makes lots of compromises, he probably does, but I find them hard to see.

He says that I am not reasonable and I don't understand. When I try to understand and ask questions he closes down and doesn't want to talk about our problems. He also tells me how I am feeling. For example you don't like travelling. I do like to travel, but can't and find it incredible frustrating. I'm trying to keep out of hospitals apart from my regular treatments. I had my children young and this was meant to be my time to do what I wanted, but I physically I can't.

His anxiety seems to rule our life. We spend a lot of time talking about things that create anxiety in him. As with anxiety a lot of these things are quite small but trouble him greatly. I don't want to be his mother.

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Starwolf — Wed, 06 Jul 2016 04:59:03 GMT

Thanks for the feedback.

It seems that efforts to improve the relationship are one-sided. If it is the case, things are unlikely to change. Have you thought of both of you attending a counseling session ? Sometimes, when face to face communication is too daunting, putting your feelings into a letter can work out better. It can be carefully thought about, edited , read at leisure and read again. No emotional blurting out to be regretted later. Writing also helps clarify thoughts to ourselves.

I agree that staying together is difficult if you're both on a different path. Depression and anxiety on both sides don't make it any easier.

You are not a rotten person, just someone unhappy, with a lot to cope with and an important question on your mind. Only you can make such a momentous decision. Your well being is important, you deserve peace of mind and quality of life. Nothing wrong with wanting this for yourself.

I suggest you navigate these forums and check the relationship section. Many of us are unfortunately caught up in similar situations and uncertainty. Comparing personal thoughts and ideas with other people's can be informative and inspiring.

Welcome on board.

unsure what to do

JessF — Wed, 06 Jul 2016 04:59:49 GMT

Not being heard is difficult, and it sounds like you feel very drained rather than fulfilled by your time together at the moment. I can understand how the family situation makes you feel rejected as well, it's hard not to take things like that personally. How do you think he feels about your future? When he says, 'focus on us', what do you think that means?

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Wednesday — Wed, 06 Jul 2016 06:32:38 GMT

I think he wants everything. He would be happy continuing this way.

He doesn't cope well if things are not perfect. If we go out and something goes wrong, this can be as simple as not getting a parking spot where he wants to park, it will spoil the day and we have to go home, everything gets cancelled.

By focus on us he seems to mean we won't talk about his family or any issues (other than those he wants to discuss i.e. a work issue). He'll see them when he wants to and get sad if he doesn't see them, which he blames me for. Above all we're not to discuss anything that makes him uncomfortable. He likes the support I give him. Whatever he is doing must take priority at all times. If he ask for help with something I am to drop whatever I am doing and come to his aid.

He worries about his health, though he is fit and healthy, any pain must be cancer. My job is to give him rationale response to his anxieties.

We did try counselling. I had an interesting childhood and have worked really hard to manage its impact, unfortunately rejection is one of my hot buttons. Anyway in the counselling session (in my opinion) he sounded articulate and well educated and I sounded like I was avoiding the effects of my past. I wasn't I was just trying to talk about the reason we were there and conscious of the cost. I get my past hence the depression from an early age. I know and am honest about my hot buttons.I've come such a long way from that little girl.

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JessF — Wed, 06 Jul 2016 06:56:42 GMT

Wednesday said:
I think he wants everything. He would be happy continuing this way.

I think you have the whole situation in a nutshell right there. He is happy with the ways things are, you are not. You have tried talking, but things don't seem to be moving.

I wonder if it might help for you to think about, and maybe write down as Starwolf suggested, five things you want out of a relationship to ensure your own needs are met. Try making them positives instead of negatives, although you can use the negatives to work out what positives you want (for example - "whatever he is doing must take priority at all times" might become "I want a partner who gives me space for my own friends and interests" or "I want a partner who shares interests/hobbies with me").

By making positive statements you can start to see clearer where you'd like to be versus where you are stuck. It can also allow you to have a different conversation with your partner, one that is focused on where YOU are going in life rather than his failings. What do you think?

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Wednesday — Wed, 06 Jul 2016 08:06:00 GMT

I think you are very clever!

I was feeling that I was being really mean and just running him down. Thank you for helping to put my thoughts into perspective. I've tried writing before using I language and giving credit where due, but it hasn't worked. I'll try to work out the five positive things I want from a relationship.

It's a scary step to contemplate.

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Starwolf — Thu, 07 Jul 2016 00:07:22 GMT

Hi Wednesday,

Thank you for clarifying your situation. The more you reveal, the more I feel that you have tried your best to improve the relationship. It hasn't worked out. This is a good starting point to contemplate the next step with a clear conscience.

New beginnings are always scary but they're also exciting. You have been through a lot and need to take good care of yourself. You obviously can't rely on your partner to provide the necessary TLC. So it must be up to you.

I agree with Jess that clarifying to yourself what you would gain and lose by moving on/staying put will help you make the wisest decision. Sometimes, we're not quite sure about what we want, but clear about what we don't.

My best wishes are with you.

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topsy_ — Thu, 07 Jul 2016 09:51:36 GMT

Hello Wednesday

I read once years ago that when a woman is ready to leave a relationship she has already done a lot of the grieving ahead of time. As she has mulled things over & turned ideas inside & out, the realisation that she is not happy & fulfilled & what she would like for herself are all part of that grieving. So much so that be the time they leave, a lot of the hard mental, intellectual & emotional work has been done. This enables her to move on with hope & confidence.

Whereas men, even though discussions are held between partners about the relationship, never seem to realise they firstly should have paid attention during the attempted heart to hearts, but it never seems to occur to them that their partner might go. They are stunned when it actually happens. (sorry guys, I really did read it somewhere & it was very true of the breakdown of my first marriage).

I really don't know if that's any help to you Wednesday but it did help me. Take your time & consider carefully. Kind regards, Lyn.

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Wednesday — Fri, 08 Jul 2016 08:18:29 GMT

Thank you JessF, Starwolf and Lyn I really appreciate your help.

I guess I'm frightened of taking the leap at the moment. I keep hoping that my health will improve and I'll find my non medicated brain again and will be able to act. I looked at moving interstate to be near my daughter and her family, but don't want to burden them with my issues. We talk often but I have hidden a lot from them. I couldn't find anywhere near them to live ( that I could afford).

Sorry brain fade. I really appreciate your help. Hugs to all.

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Starwolf — Sat, 09 Jul 2016 01:07:44 GMT

Hi Wednesday,

It's OK to be scared, a leap into the unknown is always frightening. More important is how we choose to deal with fear...sometimes it can protect us from danger. But when we're paralyzed into inaction, we may also fail to move away from an unsafe situation.

I think your health will begin to improve if stress and pressure are taken out of the situation. Whether this can happen while remaining in the relationship is debatable.

Taking one small step at a time in your chosen direction is the way to go. Reaching out for family support would help. You may find they'll be willing, even keen to rally around you. That's what most families do during tough times. Few are comfortable with the idea that one of them is/has been suffering in silence. You may be happily surprised. There's no need for you to face a difficult time alone.

unsure what to do

Wednesday — Sun, 10 Jul 2016 06:53:45 GMT

Thank you Starwolf. I've made a couple of small steps.

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Starwolf — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 01:25:12 GMT

Yay ! Thanks for sharing your victories. I hope you are feeling proud of yourself.

Please keep in mind that -over time- tiny baby steps do accumulate into long distance travel. Well done !

unsure what to do

Wednesday — Tue, 12 Jul 2016 04:44:37 GMT

Now I've gone backwards.

I was trying to be tougher and focus on my needs. I was feeling less desperate. He is away at the moment. He's had a health issue and his anxiety has spiked. He has been in frequent contact asking me for help.

I seem to be in a loop. I get to the point where I'm clearer on what I want then he tells me that he loves me and misses me and I get confused. I am so pathetic.

I have a hospital visit in 2 weeks and need to get my head in the right place. He'll be back then and the combination of the two has me anxious knot.

He's a nice man, that loves me, why am I being so horrid. He should be able to be himself and not be criticised by me. I am not sure why his adult children are struggling with me and don't know what else to try. I do know that it has now gone on for so long I have to protect myself with an iron will ( I don't seem to have one). I don't have the ability to deal with rejection.

My own family disowned me at a early age. My parents referred to there 3 children yet she had 4, I was the one that didn't make the cut. I know I have far to much background, an easy target and am sensitive to rejection. But I have worked so hard on getting my head together. Too many tears over too many years.

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Ravenq — Tue, 12 Jul 2016 09:50:18 GMT

Hi Wednesday

first of all, take a deep breath & let it out slowly xx

Times such as these are never easy honey, try to be gentle with yourself. Quite often we take many steps backwards. There is a similar battle going on in my head & heart with my relationship & like you, I am my own worst critic. My husband also struggles with anxiety & narcissism. He has me right where he wants me, continually second guessing myself. I really feel for you here because it sounds so familiar xx

You are not mean honey, so be gentle on yourself ok xx