topic Am I man enough? in Long-term support over the journey

Am I man enough?

Navy_Blue — Sun, 23 Oct 2016 12:50:07 GMT

This is a really uncomfortable subject for me to be raising, one that I have drafted and deleted time and time again after only joining the BB site.As mentioned in my first and only thread I have been diagnosed with PTSD through a military operational triggering event.I have since realised that I have suffered depression and anxiety for 8 years prior to the diagnosis.I am 40 years old and am currently recovering from my second total hip replacement.I am married with 3 kids (6,4 and 2).Whilst I have opened up about my PTSD through this forum,there are other things going on in my mind (likely connected to the PTSD) that I need to get off my chest but feel so embarrassed and fear judgement in doing so.I have discussed this topic with my wife and whilst I do believe her response,I still have self doubt over her overall truthfulness-in her trying not to hurt me further.This is more likely my depression stopping me from seeing her truth,yet I am still suffering deeply with a lack of self confidence regardless of what she tells me.With all that has happened after my PTSD I don't feel like a strong man to her and now doubt I ever was even before.By this I mean physically more so than emotionally.We have been married now 12 years and I know she had a lot of partners before me and as a result of my PTSD,subsequent depression and recent hip surgeries I have zero self confidence in being her man.Without embarrassing myself to tears I feel inadequate in all departments of being a man anymore.I feel I fail her as a man both physically and mentally.

Mentallly comparing myself to what my wife's previous partners must've been like and the thought that I am nowhere near the man she had or wants is killing me.Before spilling my guts to her quite unintentionally I spent months without sleep,having horrible thoughts and visualisations-this all on top of fighting daily triggers and flashbacks of my PTSD.I am on ADs and seeking therapy for my PTSD,however this other somewhat embarrassing issue is really crushing me and it is something I find hard to raise in discussions with my wife again or even begin to talk to with my therapist-due to the fear of ridicule,embarrassment or the fact of being seen pathetic.Help,advice really needed. Ta.

Am I man enough?

geoff — Sun, 23 Oct 2016 17:36:50 GMT

hello Navy Blue, thanks for deciding to post your comment, as I too have had three hip operations, where the second one didn't work so a total hip was done, but your involvement in the military has well and truly taken it's toll on you, which I'm so sorry but also thank you for the effort you had to do.

It doesn't matter one bit about her other partners she had, because their personality obviously clashed and that's why they're not still together.
The same happens with males as it does for females, they always talk about the body of someone else, that's been happening for years and it won't stop.
Imagine if you were with a group of your mates wouldn't you all comment on how a female looks, of course, well it's no different when a group of females are together, don't they talk about the physique of a male, yes and that's what happens.
If you are happily married then you both accept eachother's body, you can't change her figure and she can't change the size of yours, but when you are being intimate it doesn't matter.
Try not to make this an issue, it can't be changed, because you both got married as you were, and at that time nothing mattered because you were in love.
I am wondering whether you are afraid of performance so
does it happen to go a bit deeper than this and I'm not including your PTSD which I really hope you can get on top of, but these two issues could be combined.
Hope to hear back from you. Geoff.

Am I man enough?

Doolhof — Sun, 23 Oct 2016 21:59:53 GMT

Hi Navy Blue,

I'm really sorry to read of the suffering you have endured due to the career path you have chosen in life. Three hip operations! Hopefully you are doing a lot better now physically.

Geoff has shared some great comments with you. It is not always easy communicating about sexual issues. We all have the body parts we were born with, apart from operations and procedures, there is little we can do about the more intimate parts of our anatomy.

Ten years ago my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer. At that stage I was still dreaming and hoping for our first live child to be born. Due to the cancer, (and my own medical issues) that dream was not realised.

My husband coped by shutting himself away from me. We now have separate bedrooms and he calls us friends.

I guess he had his own demons to fight. I tried talking to him about how he was feeling, but he just closed down even more. I learnt to love and care for a totally different person. He still does not like me to even touch his arm let alone hold hands.

It breaks my heart that he has shut me out so much. Friends have asked why don't I leave and find someone better. He is my husband. I would be so immensely happy if he would just give me a hug or let me snuggle up to him on the lounge. But he doesn't.

Over the years I have had to learn to accept myself and change the things I can change and live with the rest to the best of my ability.

Can the children have a sleep over somewhere so you and your wife can have a night alone?

Cheers, from Mrs. Dools

Am I man enough?

Navy_Blue — Sun, 23 Oct 2016 23:35:41 GMT

Hello Mrs Dools, thank you for your insightful response.Reading what you have been through and endured just makes my issue seem pathetic.I am sorry to have bothered you.Like my therapist said most of my thoughts of inadequacies, my low self esteem and insecurities come from my PTSD.I deal with triggers daily,I hate the smell of diesel,meat cooking and any loud screams - even kids screaming in a supermarket can set me off. The sense of failure as a man of not being able to do enough that day,I guess has left me feeling not strong enough as a man.

My subsequent hip,surgeries haven't helped my self esteem either!The socially pressured view seems to be that a strong man must have no fear or show emotional sadness.Not a day goes by where I don't cry,don't think about maybe there was something I didn't do,or there was something I did wrong in not being able to save those children and people.I have sourced counselling for PTSD and it is helping slowly.

But I am guessing the fact I feel small is because I failed as a man to protect those poor people on deployment.I am so over protective of my children as of what happened on deployment -if I smell diesel or there is a car that back fires when I am with them-I go into a state of panic and get them to a safe place, even though there really is no danger.

Maybe I take my perceived failures as not being man enough from failing and direct it or compare it to societies instilled view to me that women judge a mans strength and success by their penis size, or how big their muscles are or how tall they are...

Unlike Geoff suggested performance is not an issue,thankfully,I have enough on my plate without that extra worry - it is just a distinct lack of self confidence in adequacies of being a strong enough man and a need for constant reassurance from my wife that what happened that day was not my fault.I need to hear I am a strong man and she feels safe and fulfilled with who I am.

After 15 years of active service I am not ready to return anytime soon.At one stage I was suicidal as I was unable to connect/open up WRT my PTSD with my wife.I stupidly associated this with lack of being man enough - and she can see right through my failings. Run out of characters will continue on new post..sorry

Am I man enough?

MarkJT — Sun, 23 Oct 2016 23:37:11 GMT

Navy Blue, we done on the post - took a heap of courage to do that so well done.

You will never ever be judged on this forum, you will be ever be criticised for posting questions that you want answers or advice nor will you be ridiculed. It is a supportive environment and we will do our best to assist where we can.

PTSD drains all of your self worth and confidence. Many of the feelings you have explained i went through as well. Although i'm not quite at the place i want to be, i am building it back up.

In time and with the right treatments, you will get your mojo back. Time mate, it just takes time. Like other mental health conditions, recovery from PTSD cannot be done quickly.

Stay in the game mate, you will be fine.

Cheers

Mark.

Am I man enough?

Navy_Blue — Mon, 24 Oct 2016 00:15:41 GMT

Continued... I won't bore you any longer with this likely trivial insecurity that I have only recently inherited. I just want my life back the way it was.I know it will never be quite the same with these 2 titanium rods in either hip but I need my self confidence back,I need to feel like a man again but I just want for my wife to keep loving and desiring me.I need to feel strong and able to emotionally engage with my children - and for the love of god let them be children without me constantly worrying.

My deployment and PTSD has taken so much away from me and distanced me so far away from my lovely family.Everyday is a struggle for me to put on a happy face for my children and carry on, to look my wife in the eyes and try to see that she still sees me as a man and desires me, even though I failed whilst away and that I relive that traumatic haunting failure daily.

🤔 Thanks for putting up with this ramble. Besides the seriousness of my PTSD issues,this subject thread is pathetic,I apologise for wasting readers time. I feel so stupid posting it but may be it can give someone a good laugh.Not sure I can face the forum world after letting this cat out of the bag... Thank you anyway, yours humiliated Navy Blue

Am I man enough?

Navy_Blue — Mon, 24 Oct 2016 00:29:01 GMT

Hi Mark, thank you for your support. I just finished a part two post in reply to Doolhof and felt so embarrassed by it all, so pathetic that I felt I should just crawl back into my hole and no longer post such personal and emotional issues. Then your post came in...As much as I hate myself as a man right now and as much as I fear women or even men see me as weak,insecure and small, I will keep on trucking...I can still see even if it is heavily clouded at times - I have so much to live for. I love my children and would give anything to keep them safe and feeling loved. Anyway thank you for keeping me active on the site when I was seconds away from deleting my account. You're a good Aussie bloke, cheers D

Am I man enough?

Just Sara — Mon, 24 Oct 2016 01:59:55 GMT

Hi and welcome Navy Blue;

I've read thru your thread with intensity. I can't compare as a man, but I can as a fellow PTSD traveller.

Firstly I want to say; "Thankyou for your service; as a man as well as a defence force soldier."

Next I want to put forward; you will never be the same person again; this is definitive. Wanting to go back and change things, taking 'blame' off the shoulders of others or trying to gain what you feel you've lost, is part of the PTSD roller-coaster.

All individuals have to change and grow with age. Our bodies morph under the influence of gravity and time. But what lies beneath becomes wiser thru experience and knowledge gained from 'life'; whatever the realm.

In my view, the insecurities you have as a man are comparable to those of a woman, just with gender influences as a differing factor. AM I ENOUGH? Who are we asking this of? Who are we comparing ourselves to? These questions aren't gender specific. They're from people who've been significantly damaged thru unimaginable circumstances.

I cannot imagine what you've gone thru, and you couldn't imagine what it's like to be violently raped, sexually abused as a little girl, catching a friend sexually abusing your 2 yr old boy and deal with his night terrors for yrs alone, be rejected over and again from people you've loved deeply or cope with 7 yrs of bullying in the workplace until it broke you. There is no way to compare.

Pain is pain, and fear is fear. What binds us can be our ability to survive and move into the next phase of our life with courage and determination. It is a long road my friend and not for the faint hearted. You have proven your worth time and again; you're still here and pushing the boundaries. You've sought help and are gaining the resources to heal and recover. This is in itself a mighty effort!

In regards to your wife? I know from experience that 'believing' those who supported me had to occur. Trauma depletes our sense of self. Positive people and their words of encouragement are 'gold' in our recovery. Take them with gratitude; it isn't like that with everyone. What you consider a man's worth, may be related to media, generalised statements of bragging or marketing crap. When you breach the surface of any man or woman, they have the same concerns. Am I enough? Have you ever considered your wife may be having the same doubts?

I consider myself a warrior; a fighter, as you are too.

Keep talking to us..Sara (hugs)

Am I man enough?

Doolhof — Mon, 24 Oct 2016 22:57:50 GMT

Dear Navy Blues,

My heart goes out to you big time. As Mark wrote, this is a very understanding and compassionate place to be, a safe place to share how you are feeling, to express how crap life is at times and also to share the glimpses of happiness.

There is no way I can ever imagine the pain you feel after the traumas you have experienced. I wrote what I did not to in any way belittle your experiences but to let you know that in some small way I have some understanding of the way a man desires to be a man.

As Sara has also mentioned, people go through all kinds of traumas in their lives. Is one trauma any bigger or more significant than another? I believe if they cause trauma then they are all significant.

You write so very well. Have you thought of writing out your experiences? Has that been suggested to you by counsellors or would it all just be far too horrific to face?

A couple of years ago I started to write about my pregnancy losses. It helped to a certain extent. It took the edge off the pain.

Once again I will never know what you have been through. You sound like a deeply caring kind of guy. The things you have seen are experiences I would not wish upon anyone.

I care for you and all that you are experiencing. Other people here care as well. Please never think that you are a burden to anyone here. Your posts are not pathetic, they are deeply moving. You do not need to feel humiliated. I feel deeply humbled by reading your post and Sara's as well.

Please remember that answers do not come through immediately on the forum. People may have responded to you, the posts might just be taking time to come through.

To me, you do not seem weak at all, but amazingly courageous to share your story.

Some of us share cyber hugs on the forum. I'm not sure if you are into hugs or not, but I send you one anyway.

We are here to listen and to care, cheers from Dools

Am I man enough?

Just Sara — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 00:31:55 GMT

Hey Mrs D!

What a beautiful response...just lovely.

Hi again Navy Blue;

The caring words of Mrs Dools can be reiterated by all our amazing champions and regular posters on BB. We care deeply for those who have the courage to seek support, as well as those that prefer to just read. Your post is very individual and is taken as such with sensitivity and respect. It'd be nice if you could allow yourself the same sentiments...yes?

You say you felt pathetic writing your post, but you pressed the reply button. (BTW, I've never met one pathetic person) I take this as a cry for help from someone who needs to be heard and validated. I'm here for you; we're here for you ok?

My previous response may have come across as a bit straight laced, but to me, PTSD is an insidious disorder that infiltrates the very soul of a person...indiscriminately. It angers me to know intelligent and relevant people like yourself are affected so drastically. Personally, I've been to hell and back and would never in a million years criticise or belittle anyone suffering its affects.

Of the many issues faced by me, sexual identity and loss of faith in this realm, took a nose dive due to my ex rejecting me sexually for nearly 3 yrs. I've recently realised the gravity of that situation; my body stopped working the way it's supposed to. Due to not having another relationship, and the time lapse since personal pleasure was experienced, I'd forgotten what it felt like - 'and so did my body'.

Our nervous systems create physical abnormalities from anxiety and depression that mimic the brain's idea of 'normal'. Being rejected for so long and believing I was unlovable, my brain became accustomed to the idea and my body followed suit.

Your feelings of inadequacy won't change unless you convince yourself it's false. Otherwise, you may end up worse off. What you believe or think, affects your brain chemistry. That's why it's so important to 'believe' the supportive words of those around you and to pump yourself up with positive self talk and mindfulness, even if it feels like 'pretending' to begin with. Your brain doesn't know the difference.

Practice makes perfect...Sara xo

Am I man enough?

Navy_Blue — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 02:39:09 GMT

Hello again Sara, thank god there are people as strong and caring in this world as you.I've returned from a session in which I reluctantly took my wife along with.I say reluctant as talking not only about my triggering events but the insecurities that go with it in front of her and the counsellor together, was one of the hardest things I have had to do - and this is coming from a 15+ year officer in the military! I broke down into tears, I was sweating and shaking. I wanted to be anywhere else but there in that room. I have never felt an emotional release quite like it, nor do I really want to feel it again any time soon. Turns out I am more of a man than I question myself to be. Having the emotions of guilt and failure that I felt that day during deployment,wishing I could've done more just means I care, genuinely care for others-even people I don't know.I HAVE to accept that I DID EVERYTHING that I could've done that day and more.I have to see that some things in life, no matter how f*#ked up they are,will be out of my control and showing/feeling hurt/failure in not being able to fix them only shows I am human or a MAN who cares deeply for others inspite of his own safety or wellbeing.I am not looking for hero status or gratitude, I just want my life to return to normal.Reliving the event time and time again I can never find an alternate action that would have changed the outcome.

I cannot thank everyone here for their support.Cyber hugs warmly welcomed and are sent back to all and sundry in sweeping salvoes! I will remain in touch and would love for the same contact from you all as well.All the support,compassion and understanding means the world to me and it is taken as truly inspirational.Love NBx

Am I man enough?

Just Sara — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 05:47:51 GMT

You know what Navy man? It's not often I'm bought to tears or read such magnificent words of healing and self insight in such a short amount of time. But you've absolutely blown me out of the water! (Pardon the pun!)

I read every one of your words cheering and crying and yelling; "See...it works, it really works!" Bloody fantastic Navy Blue!!! Crutches and all...you're a legend!!

Your wife? Well, she's a beautiful legend too! So's your psych and everyone who believes in you including me. I'm just stoked for you, I really am.

Your tears and sobbing are priceless; they 'knocked the cap off' yeah? But it's the self insight and believing the people who love you that matters. I hope one of those people is you. Ruminating may still occur, but now you have the rationale of reality, life will ease up for a while until your next lesson.

Thankyou from my heart for agreeing to keep tabs and continue with your recovery journey. It's not often people stay to let us follow their path of self discovery.

This is so exciting I could pee!

I consider myself a warrior because I've fought the good fight till it nearly ended me. As history shows,

They went with songs to the battle, they were young.
Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
They fell with their faces to the foe.

Laurence Binyon (Exert from the Ode of Remembrance)

I don't want to be remembered as someone who 'fell' without the good fight and I'm sure you don't either.

At the going down of the sun..'we' will be remembered..

..for our gallantry and courage..we're still here Navy man...

Love...Sara (Mega hugs)

Am I man enough?

Navy_Blue — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 05:49:47 GMT

Hello Dools, again thank you for listening and making me feel that I am not a burden or seen as pathetic for expressing my issues. Thank you for noting my writing skills,must stem from recent graduation of ADF Senior Officer Staff College!Something good to take away from my service history I guess.You hit the nail on the head when you said I seem like a deeply caring guy.I am, I have always been seen as too sensitive, too empathetic and caring - I guess traits that go against the norm in military service or manly behaviour in general.I can't change the way I am nor do I wish to. I do however desire to learn how to switch off pain, erase my flashbacks and the guilt that goes with them.How to cease selfblame and not develop or enhance insecurities. If anyone who reads this has SOPs (Standard Operating Procedures) on how to do all the above please send them through.Just blocking out flashbacks whilst playing with my children without unleashing any anger or a scary side of dad in front of them is so challenging,demanding and exhausting. All this while recovering from major surgery is taking its toll on me physically,mentally and emotionally. I'm not here for a woe is me,oh give him a hug type of thing,as I read things that Sara for example has endured and it makes my situation look insignificant. As a loving caring protective parent I am sickened and angered beyond words to hear of her stories. If I could change all the darkness, hatred and evil in the world I would,believe me,I would do it in a heartbeat.I read your stories Dools and I am emotionally hurt by empathising in the pain you must go through like Sara on a daily basis.I live in hope that I will become a stronger man and in doing so be able to help and save others from the pain myself and good people like yourselves are going through.I am tired and will try and write more later. Again thank you for everything.

Am I man enough?

geoff — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 18:30:47 GMT

hi Navy Blue, I do understand how you feel by your hip operations, because I was self employed when I had my car accident so I lost my business where I had 6 months work in front of me but I also was suffering from depression and now any work in what I used to love, well, I don't want to do any of it again.
I would never ever believed that I would feel this way, but unfortunately that's what has happened. Geoff.

Am I man enough?

Kazzl — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 20:53:15 GMT

Hi Navy Blue - I've just read through this thread. I too want to thank you for your service to the country and acknowledge the personal price you've paid.

You have put your life on the line for others, have the ability to lead, the compassion to care for your people, the ability to love your wife and children deeply and to be a good husband and father, and the courage (and it takes real courage) to share your emotions and seek help when you're suffering.

Lordy fella! Are you man enough? Mate you should give lessons!

Seriously Navy Blue, I was thrilled to get to the last posts here and learn of the great things you're hearing about yourself. Believe them! Especially what your wife says. You are a fine man indeed.

Kaz

Am I man enough?

Doolhof — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 21:35:36 GMT

Dear Navy Blue,

I agree with all the comments and sentiments others have shared. As hard as it was for you, it is wonderful you were able to open up to the counsellor with your wife present. No doubt she has been wondering how best to help and support you. Now she has a better understanding of things you have endured.

The compassion and care you have within you is to be applauded. The world needs more people who are willing to reach out and help others no matter what.

It must be a small relief to realise there was nothing else you could have done to save the lives of the people you tried to help. Holding onto blame and guilt can destroy your soul. So much of what happens on a battlefield must surely be out of anyone's control.

For me the most important thing you can do for your children is to constantly tell them that you love them. They will be too young at the moment to understand what you have been through. It may be beneficial to tell them that part of you is sick, that it has nothing to do with them, and that sometimes you become angry and scary even though that is not how you want to be.

Children need reassurance. They need to feel secure. Don't we all!

Once again I echo everyone's sentiments here, you are certainly man enough. Embrace the man you are now. None of us can go back to how we were even yesterday, the excellent thing is that we can be who we are today and be proud of that fact!

I'm sending you more cyber hugs and a huge congratulatory pat on the back for being willing to take this journey of healing and change.

Huge cheers to you and all who partake of this journey, from Dools

Am I man enough?

Navy_Blue — Wed, 26 Oct 2016 01:34:04 GMT

Hello Kaz, thank you so much for those supportive comments.I have been reading them over and over again trying to take them as a compliment and slowly rebuild confidence in myself, from the foundation of love, support and security that has been laid by my family and supporters like yourselves on here on BB.I am still mentally drained by yesterday's session and in some stupid way having self doubt over some of the positive things said about me.I am trying to shut these negative thoughts out, believing it is just the depression making me think along these line.Or maybe it's just the mental fatigue from yesterday not giving me the strength to engage and neutralise these thoughts.

I went to bed last night only to wake after some awful dreams and flashbacks to be back in that sh*t awful place where I was yesterday - before the joint session. I guess here is where the battle that Sara mentioned of adopting self insight, believing those who love me wouldn't lie just to comfort me,comes into play.I can't demand constant reaffirmation on this apparent "untrue" insecurity for the rest of my life surely?That is unrealistic and unfair on my wife.I just don't understand, I was so relieved, had such a warm glow in my heart and felt genuinely happy hearing her comments not even 24 hours ago.

I am a people pleaser,I hate to fail and I hate to disappoint-my counsellor clearly stated this trait of mine.Maybe this is me caring so deeply about pleasing my wife by abiding by societies rules and I see this issues as making up for my failures as a man that fateful horrific day?Please tell me this is the PTSD talking and I will go back to how I thought and felt yesterday-knowing/believing I am more than adequate for my wife like she said.I'm scared this is going to be a constant battle for ever,unless I finally rid the PTSD demons of failure and the obvious false insecurities of being small that coincide.I feel like a tourism motto "happy and confident one day,sh*thouse the next"!I want off this roller coaster it is making me feel sick.Going backwards

Am I man enough?

Kazzl — Wed, 26 Oct 2016 02:28:14 GMT

Hiya Navy Blue

I don't think you are going backwards mate, I think you're having a very normal reaction to letting out a whole lot of difficult personal stuff. I think most people here would have experienced similar after an emotionally difficult session.

It's a very hard thing to do. We feel vulnerable, we have to trust our partners and our professionals with our most intimate and deep fears and doubts, it's a leap of faith. And even though we feel relieved afterwards because of the release and no longer having to hold something secret, it's not long before the doubts reappear and vulnerability emerges again. I've been through it too.

I think if we accept that talking therapy (which is one of the best forms of treatment for PTSD) is often a process of two steps forward, one step back, then we start to see that there is progress overall. It's a bit like building muscles I guess, you have to work them hard and tear them first, but eventually the pain gives way to greater strength.

Keep going Navy, this is possibly the hardest and most worthwhile thing you'll ever do, because in time you will heal and you will have your beautiful family and they will have their man and their dad. Nothing is more important. Believe them, and believe in yourself.

Cheering you on from the sidelines

Kaz

Am I man enough?

sensitiveswan — Wed, 26 Oct 2016 02:34:33 GMT

Hi Navy Blue,

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. I can only imagine how it must feel to be in combat and have flash backs. I have never been in that situation, but I can relate as far as being a hypersensitive, over-empathising person, as that is also what drives my depression, guilt, and 'am I enough?' thoughts. I have mild PTSD, but have not gone through anything as bad as you or Sara. I think you are both heroes.

You ARE a man NavyBlue. 12 years is a long time to be married, and I'm sure your wife married you because she loves you. It's great she dated a lot of men before you - she got to know exactly what she wanted - a sensitive, caring man like you!! I know I married my husband for who he is, and there is nothing better than when your man lets you in and tells you how he is feeling. That is true intimacy. That is marriage. Everyone wants to feel needed and useful - let your wife be your rock for a while. There is nothing unmanly about that, and it may even speed up your recovery. Instead of thinking of it as being a burden, try thinking of it as helping her feel important and to feel that you trust her. That you are going through all this and choosing to share it with her - there is no bigger honour!

Do you think you could get your wife to write a letter to you, stating why she thinks you're special, why she loves you, why she married you, happy memories etc. and then when you are feeling that horrible self-doubt, you can read the letter (instead of feeling like you are demanding constant reassurrance) and remind yourself that way?

The roller-coaster definitely sucks and I really hope it is not long before the ups are a lot longer than the downs. Keep talking on here as much as you need. I definitely do not find it pathetic!!!! I think it is very brave, and you may even be helping other people going through similar things.

Big cyber hugs to you x

Am I man enough?

Just Sara — Wed, 26 Oct 2016 03:39:24 GMT

Hey and welcome Sensitiveswan;

I'm sure Navy Blue will gain great insight from your post; it was lovely. Thankyou for your wisdom and kind words.

Hi Kaz!

As usual, your beautiful gift of wise, purposeful and practical magic comes to the rescue. Navy Blue has assets unknown in the 'physical' community here on BB and is well deserving of our support ta-boot.

Navy Man;

In my last post I referenced the Ode to Remembrance. After signing of the Armistice Treaty in 1918, the terms of peace were fought out in a locked room with ally rep's from each country. Long story short, the last issue to be dealt with was compensation for the 'fallen'...What is a man's worth?

This question was so difficult to answer; there were only a few men left to determine the outcome after many others couldn't engage anymore and went home. The importance of that debate however, is more relevant than the amount agreed upon for each family to receive.

Considering your worth re your service and contribution to your country, is valid. But your worth to your wife, children, extended family and even your community, has no monetary value equal.

In the armed service, duty, protocol, chain of command, rules, regulations and hierarchy is the premise behind survival. At home, 'choice' and 'options' and, consequences without an authority to be held accountable to, must seem foreign and new. Doubting yourself is par for the course, I know this first hand.

My family home was my war zone, as were many of the situations I confronted. My recovery depended solely on 'me'. Yes, I had my supporters, but at the end of the day (the going down of the sun) it had to be me who forged a new path with new rules, new purpose, and a new sense of confidence and 'self'.

BeyondBlue has given me purpose replacing my career (now medically retired) and renewed/validated my sensitivities, empathy and caring for others. It appeared at a time my 'worth' was so depleted, I felt lost beyond words. Being a sensitive man is soulful and rare; embrace it..please.

I thought about what I 'wanted' to be instead of what I 'thought' I'd lost. I was willing to do whatever it took to become that; I still am.

This is your personal journey of self discovery dealing with collateral damage. I'm here to guide and support you through the quagmire.

Kind and warm thoughts...Sara (Comforting hugs)