topic BPD in Long-term support over the journey

BPD

GuestYD — Thu, 13 Oct 2016 12:15:34 GMT

Hi all

i have BPD. I have been to the emergency department multiple times due to suicidal thinking when 2 hours before I was happy. I can go from excited to depressed in an instant.

i used to self harm but I've stopped that. I am fixated by the idea of suicide even though I've got no intent. I can be impulsive.

I idealise certain people in my life, including my mental health team.

I fear that my Dr will abandon me.

i experienced brief psychosis when I was stressed and the object wasn't really there

BPD

Zeal — Thu, 13 Oct 2016 23:06:49 GMT

Hi Little Cavvie,

You've had a lot to deal with, and you sound determined, so good on you!

I am relieved to hear that you have managed to stop self-harming - that's an achievement in itself. Having a dedicated mental health team is fantastic. It sounds to me as though you are taking the right steps in helping yourself with this pesky mental illness.

Just remember that, whenever you need to talk to someone understanding (especially outside of appointment hours), you can ring 24/7 helplines for support. Beyondblue is reachable on 1300 22 4636, SANE is on 1800 18 7263, and Lifeline's no. is 13 11 14. Saving at least one of these numbers in your phone is a good idea.

Something which I think can be helpful is keeping a notebook where you write down symptoms, advice from doctors and other important mental health/medical details. This way, you don't need to worry about forgetting something before attending an appointment, or after you receive advice during a session, for instance.

If you don't mind me asking, do you live with someone else? I feel that when mental illness is involved, living alone can be difficult, and having a roommate or family member or partner to come home to could be a comfort.

Hopefully people personally experiencing BPD will also reply 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

BPD

james1 — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 00:49:40 GMT

Hi Little Cavvie,

I've got lots of the BPD symptoms and I was working on DBT and Schema Therapy with my psychologist earlier.

Zeal's had some great tips and I'd also love to hear, if you're comfortable, about whether you're living with anyone at the moment. I've found that a lot of people with BPD tend to have troubles at home in terms of family relationships, which are often the cause of the BPD flaring up in the first place. Yet equally, it's so hard to be alone too.

I know what you mean about the mood swings. My biggest thing is my identity which flips and is so transient, I never know what's happening.

I'd love to hear more about your story and maybe how you first found out about BPD. There are two threads I can think of that I'm talking at the moment. One is in the Depression board called "BPD - childlike" and the other is in the Long Term Support board called "Living with Borderline Personality Disorder..." I welcome you to come and have a read, and even post if you feel comfortable.

James

BPD

GuestYD — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 01:47:18 GMT

Hi Zeal

Thanks for your message.

It's definitely a good idea to have those numbers handy for night especially. I sometimes find it hard to settle to sleep.

I do keep a journal which helps my psychologist keep track of how I'm going in between appointments. I do it in a table, with various columns to keep track of symptoms, thoughts and feelings. It's been really useful.

I live with family members. It is good having the support.

BPD

GuestYD — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 01:53:30 GMT

Hi James

Thanks for your message. I'll take a look at those threads.

I've done DBT and currently doing Schema Therapy. I found DBT not as useful as I hoped, although the mindfulness component was really good.

I agree BPD makes relationships hard at times. But for me the shifts in mood is the hardest part. I find a week in my life can be so exhausting because I've had so many different emotions.

BPD

james1 — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 02:01:38 GMT

Hey LC,

Yeah, I don't really like DBT very much. Schema Therapy has made more sense to me because of the childhood component but I really found it burnt me a bit. Just noticing all these things I do which I thought were normal, but aren't really...yeah that was a real body blow!

What kind of stuff are you doing with Schema Therapy? I had to keep a logbook of my modes and we were doing image rescripting as well.

James

BPD

GuestYD — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 02:34:59 GMT

Hi James

I totally agree about Schema making more sense than DBT. I found DBT a bit of a bandaid solution, but Schema gets right into the heart of the issues.

I've done mode awareness work which is really helpful and also do imagery work which is pretty helpful. I've also got childhood stuff that I need to work through.

I just know it's going to take a while to work through things, but I'm already so much better than I was prior to seeing my psychologist. I've reduced my admissions to hospital significantly and haven't been to emergency in ages.

BPD

james1 — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 04:18:33 GMT

Hey LC,

I think DBT is meant to feel like a bandaid. My psych got me to do DBT because my situation got worse and I wasn't coping with the Schema Therapy, but having done a bit of Schema was really helpful for the understanding.

Yeah, I find the childhood stuff really taxing. I'm really glad you're a lot better than before. Have you been able to open up to any friends or family around you? I find it really hard to explain to people because it just feels like more extreme versions of what everyone does in smaller less frequent and less explosive amounts.

James

BPD

GuestYD — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 06:03:46 GMT

Hi James

I found DBT really difficult - it was in a group setting. I had to drop out near the end because I really couldn't cope with it and I didn't really see that it was helping me. In fact my group was so toxic that my situation was made worse and I became really distressed.

Schema is definitely more full on but im buying into it more and feel like it's work I need to do so I'm engaging with it. I really like my psychologist too.

BPD is so hard to explain to people. I think people just don't understand the impact having unstable emotions has on quality of life.

BPD

GuestYD — Sat, 15 Oct 2016 11:44:42 GMT

Ah. Nighttime. I'm really vulnerable and get hooked into sucidal thinking. It's just present. I'm safe. But it comes at night without fail.

BPD

james1 — Sat, 15 Oct 2016 20:47:01 GMT

Hey LC I know exactly what you mean. I actually had a good day yesterday then night came and, well, my good day ended. For me I think it's reflection time, lonely time and the thought of having to get up again tomorrow and do everything. Do you know what you struggle with particularly at night?

What do you mean about your group being toxic? Not very nice people?

James

BPD

GuestYD — Sun, 16 Oct 2016 02:58:23 GMT

Hi James

I agree with what you say about night. I find that I'm a bit vulnerable while my night meds work. I don't actually remember posting last night, so I can't be entirely sure about what I'm thinking.

Re DBT the group basically competed to be the sickest and discuss things against the group guidelines during our breaks. So it was very triggering and I'd end up feeling awful afterwards.

BPD

james1 — Sun, 16 Oct 2016 23:17:39 GMT

Oh you have to take your meds at night? That's strange and really annoying. What are they if you don't mind me asking?

Eurgh that's the worst. Can't we all just accept that we're each struggling and there's no competition? Did everyone there have BPD or was it a whole range of things?

James

BPD

GuestYD — Mon, 17 Oct 2016 09:59:48 GMT

I take an antipsychotic at night (it's a bit sedative and it calms my thoughts) and a sleeping tablet. I have an antidepressant in the morning too. Although my Dr is taking me off the antipsychotics but I'm feeling push backs in terms of my thinking at night on lower doses so will have to discuss whether it's really worth getting rid of them.

It was really ridiculous. I was really happy to get out of the environment. Everyone had to have either BPD or BPD traits, but most have BPD.

Have you done any group therapy?

BPD

james1 — Tue, 18 Oct 2016 00:17:40 GMT

Ah that's annoying having multiple tablets to take at different times. Yeah, I think you're the best judge of how they make you feel though the Dr is probably good at getting you to push those boundaries a bit so you can see whether you want them for comfort or if they're actually good.

I've never done group therapy. I really don't want to. I can't stand judgement and I just don't trust people to not judge me. I'd like a support group though. That sounds a lot nicer. I joined meetup and signed up to a billion different groups, but only ended up going to a writer's group in the end, haha.

Do you do anything creative to help you cope? I started writing again and it helped while I was still motivated 😛 I've lost that motivation now and I'm doing exercise instead and playing clarinet, but I expect I'll drop these again pretty soon and do something else, haha.

James

BPD

GuestYD — Tue, 18 Oct 2016 05:06:47 GMT

The tablets at different times isn't too bad. I know to take my morning one's when I get up and as I hop into bed I grab my other tablets. It just is what it is really and I see that they help so I am happy to take them. I was lucky that I have only tried 1 different antidepressent and 1 other antipsychotic as a temporary measure (but I ended up having such low blood pressure I had to be taken off it after one night) but I have been on pretty much every sleeping tablet there is. Your body gets used to sleeping tablets, so you have to change every so often.

I've done one other group as an outpatient and I found that so slow. I think an intense 1 v 1 session is so much better, but some people find benefits in being in a group for support and knowing you aren't alone. It also gives you some structure if that's what you need.

In terms of creative stuff, in a fluke I also play clarinet. I picked it up again after not playing for some years. I ended up buying a wooden clarinet and it sounds so nice. I find it a bit harder to play. I ended up ordering SO much music from Amazon a few months ago and it's great having the variety of material. I was looking into starting clarinet lessons again, but I'm not sure where to look for a teacher.

I study so I have to do analytical writing for my degree and I am not creative at all.

I need to do more exercise. I get a sore back and so pilates really helps if I do it consistently, but it's hard to get back into it when you've been out of it a while. I do walk my dog everyday and she loves walking. She's my best friend. Do you have any pets?

Do you ever get dissociative? I do sometimes. One time I felt so disorientated and I felt a bit unstuck with time. So I lost track of what time it was and when I looked at my phone I couldn't comprehend how it was that time. I also sometimes zone out and feel like I am looking at the room from afar! It's a BPD thing too.

BPD

james1 — Tue, 18 Oct 2016 23:28:25 GMT

Hey LC,

Do you suffer from insomnia then?

Yeah i don't know what i want. To be honest, right now i just want to be left alone to do my own thing for a while. i've learnt a lot about myself from the sessions dealing with schema therapy, and i just need to let that sink in properly. i feel like i've got some semblance of control right now which is what i need.

oh that's awesome. when'd you pick it up again? yeah I've got a wooden clarinet too. I went from plastic to wooden when i was doing grade...6? maybe? they sound so much nicer 🙂 but they're heavier too. can you look on gumtree for a teacher? i live in sydney so it's easy for me. but i'm just trying to do it on my own for now and i'm just playing really basic things and doing scales.

Oh cool. What's your degree? I did economics and lots of arts (but ended up getting a job instead of finishing the arts side). Then i got really interested in the statistical side of economics so i tried to do my honours but i was doing that alongside full time work, so I had to stop after the semester from lack of sleep.

I love pets 🙂 I have a dog (maltese x silky) and he's silly. I also have a cockatiel. Both of them are 5 or 6 years old. Then when I move out I want to get 2 rats and a rabbit. The dog is living with my dad but the bird will come with me. Would you do yoga?

Haha my sense of time is either "crap what've I been doing the past few hours?" to "oh man, it's still only 5 minutes later?" I don't know whether my living is conscious or not. A lot of the time, I don't really count myself as living per se 😛 just...existing. I know someone else who's suffering from BPD and she hallucinates so I'm glad I dont' do that at least.

You mentioned before you struggle with interpersonal. What're your thoughts on them now? I feel like I can't really test myself and get better without actually trying to connect with people and face the seemingly inevitable disappointment.

James

BPD

GuestYD — Wed, 19 Oct 2016 03:19:41 GMT

Hi James

I probably do have insomnia, but I think about it as just a manifestation of my anxiety/depression rather than a separate thing. I presented very agitated and anxious during my first hospital admission and I needed something to settle me down.

I bought the clarinet at the start of the year and began to play again. I hated scales at school, but I'm finding I always practice them now. I've got a really broad range of things to play, so it keeps me engaged and I have fun. I was grade 5 AMEB when I stopped playing at school.

I study arts and law. I prefer law over my arts subjects. I find my study a really good outlet. I find I can still focus despite my depression, which is really lucky!

I've hullcinated before. I was really stressed and it was really scary. I was convinced that what I was seeing was real and I got distressed that nobody could see it.

I have a dog too. She's a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel and my best friend. She was trying to get me to play ball with her by dropping it at my feet. It's so cute. Not the most subtle girl. She's so friendly and loves meeting new people.

I've tried yoga, but I prefer Pilates so prioritise those classes.

Interpersonal stuff I find really confusing. I find relationships so confusing. If I like someone as a friend I can become really full on and overcommit to the relationship. I worry that the person will abandon me. I really am not good with dating either and end up feeling hurt. My best friend is wonderful though.

BPD

Zeal — Wed, 19 Oct 2016 06:34:02 GMT

Hi LC,

I hope you don't mind me replying to the post you addressed to James! I just came across the post, and thought it would be nice to reply to you again, as I haven't for awhile.

Insomnia does often result from stress caused by mental illness. I've had insomnia since my late teens, but now I only have mild insomnia at times (unless I'm particularly stressed).

It's great that you play the clarinet. I used to play the piano when I was younger, but I never really got into it.
My sister studies law too, and she prefers it to her other area of study. I am just over 3 weeks away from being done with my psychological science degree, which I'm excited about. Next year I'm hoping to study postgrad counselling at my uni. The fact that you can focus and find study a rewarding outlet is amazing! I have OCD/anxiety, and have always battled with poor concentration. Do you have any smart strategies?

If you ever get hallucinations again, definitely see a professional. It sounds as though you are well attuned to your mental health needs, which is great 🙂

Good on you for prioritising pilates! I've also tried both yoga and pilates. I used to do pilates a fair bit at one stage, for my back, posture and general strength. I don't exercise much at all now, except for short walks and climbing stairs at uni. I haven't played a regular sport since I was 17, so for 6 years now. I find it hard to get motivated for physical activity. I stay slim even when I don't exercise, due to genetics and my dislike of fast food/most junk food. The reason I exercise (when I actually do it) is to improve my mental health and overall wellbeing.

Relationships can be hard. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 21. I am now 23 and in a strong and happy relationship of 1.5 years, which I am so grateful for. My boyfriend accepts my OCD and the traits that come along with this. I'm so glad you have a great relationship with your best friend. There are thankfully people who accept those with mental illness, especially when they have prominent positive characteristics such as loyalty, honesty and kindness. Keep being you!

I hope your week is going well 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

BPD

GuestYD — Wed, 19 Oct 2016 07:12:31 GMT

Hi Zeal

Nice to hear from you 🙂

I'm glad that you have a supportive boyfriend. I have real trouble connecting with people on a romantic level probably because of my past and also the BPD. I am also terrible at reading the signs so have almost no idea that someone is interested in me. I think that's a bit of self confidence issues as well. I've also been in hospital a lot over the last few years so haven't really had any opportunity to find someone and I'm a bit isolated as a result.

I'm pretty skinny too but I ended up really underweight when I got sick not because of an eating disorder but just because I was too stressed to eat. That contributed to me being emotionally vulnerable and didn't help things. I managed to put on a healthy amount of weight once I started to get better.

I've always been into academics so I just find that I can focus and it calms my thinking. It is a bit like my outlet. Sorry I don't have any specific hints.

I see my dr every week and can call her in between so she'll definitely hear from me if it happens again.

Agree about exercise being good for mental health. I used to do a lot of running so it would be good to do some of that.

How is your week going?