topic In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective). in Long-term support over the journey

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 05:01:47 GMT

Hello. I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me. And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know what else to do. And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps. My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking. Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS. And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there. I have no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me. I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!". I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat. Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD. So far today I'm ok i think. I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair. A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok. I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 05:58:09 GMT

Also I have to say; the psychosis - it was here all weekend. I really don't know what the hell I was doing in the bush in 40 odd degrees. Because now the person I was looking for doesn't exist.

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Scotchfinger — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 06:45:37 GMT

Sounds like you need some help, urgently Simona. I'm not qualified to give you expert advice. I think you need to speak to someone else besides your husband. Can you speak to someone in town? How about calling lifeline?

Take care anyway.

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Guest_1055 — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 08:08:45 GMT

Hey Simona

I'm so sorry you are feeling sad and scared, I wish I was at your place to physically help you or something. Did you call your mum? I know you have spoken of her before. I want to help you so much, but I don't know how. Maybe you just need a nice long rest, or something. I am sending you some love now.

Will you post back, and let us know how you are going?

With much love to you

Shelley xx

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 08:58:20 GMT

I can't talk about it because talking about it makes it worse. The head pain the lot. I have been struggling to just get this out because I'm stuck in this word maze.

Thank-you

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 09:40:58 GMT

Oh Shelley anne -

Gosh you know; there wouldn't be much you could do. I'm really not good for psychical company/interaction but I so appreciate your warmth and concern. Please know that. Because i do feel it.

The way i am: i would like to be put under general anaesthetic and just left in dark room with no noise

That weird head pain is was I fear most. It made me feel like i had to be sick. Because I fell asleep with it and I woke up with it and it's all on one side and no matter which way I turn my head it hurts. It's like something is in there.

I'm here but not really. Yes I spoke to my mum yesterday. She called right in the middle of it all . She mainly listened and said oh no please take your benzos. butI just can't. I don't know why but i just can't

*Thank-you*

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 22:11:04 GMT

I had one of those OBE dream experiences again. I was walking down the street and I began to slow down. First my thoughts then my body. It was that fading out feeling again like a battery going flat. And I turned back to ask for help because there were people getting out of a parked car but the nearer I got the more erased i felt . And I said please help me. Please call the ambos but they didn't hear.

And just like in that other dream i collapsed but i didn't float up. Instead i was sucked down a long dark tunnel away from the light and i was travelling at high speed with that light at the top getting smaller.

I felt i was dying and i panicked enough so that i woke up but i felt like i was in a dream still. My bedroom looked the same but it was like i was in a different dimension. So i lay there in bed too scared to shut my eyes but this incredible pulling feeling dragged me back and i was in that tunnel and hurtling down again and i had such a panic attack this time that i woke up and got out of bed. Phew that was so scary! Been awake since. I was scared i was going to hell.

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

romantic_thi3f — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 22:33:37 GMT

Hi Simona,

Thanks for reaching out. I'm sorry that you've been going through such a tough time and it sounds incredibly exhausting.

Were you able to get in contact with your psychologist? Did she help at all?

Sometimes when people are feeling this way it helps to try and have a panic or anxiety box. In this box are things that help make people feel a little more calmer and a little less lonely; maybe it's candles, smelly perfumes, a teddy, photos or even some music. It can sound silly at first but remembering that what you're going through wont' last forever and that you are strong enough to get through it. It's also okay to ask your husband to stop playing for a bit or play at a different time; I know how confronting gun noises can be even if they are from a game!

Hopefully you'll have a bit more insight from your psychologist - and maybe even she can give you some numbers to call if you get stuck like this again, such as Lifeline or Beyond Blue support line.

Hope this helps,

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Guest_1055 — Fri, 22 Jan 2016 04:47:16 GMT

Hey Simona

I am glad your mum called you up. Those dreams do sound quite scary, I'm sorry. Did you manage to get any proper rest at all? I am thinking of you, and I wish I could free you from all the things that trouble you.

With much love

Shelley xx

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona — Fri, 22 Jan 2016 07:00:01 GMT

Well I haven't tried to reach him again and he never did respond to my earlier call. If it wasn't the school holidays it wouldn't be so tough. But I just don't get a reprieve. I have had children come and go, sleep-overs. Drop offs, pick -ups , movie nights etc etc. Squabbles, hissy fits and all the rest.

Despite my own mental struggles/insomnia I think I have been pretty damn accommodating to all because there's really not much out here.

But some of my child's mates deliberately play tricks on me/set me up on wild goose chases - crank calls until I scream because they ring home line and my mobile over and over and then they get together and laugh about how loud i scream. I know this by word of mouth. Things like that. And my son has confessed to being in on one of these gags and that made me feel puzzled because i love him so much.

And when I'm in that really happy way they seemingly zero in on me because they know that just about any idea is going to be swell by me. I can say this now because I'm down in the gravel again but when I'm in the middle of a 'high' or whatever you want to call it i don't have this level of clarity and i get reeled in . By children

Because I have no history in print as in a diagnosis I think perhaps my psychologist assumes I'm just a stressed out mother. Maybe that is one of the reasons for his mutiny. I haven't even had my 1st session with the man so he knows nothing except that i called for him crying.

Anxiety/Panic box - For me it's the shower cubicle and well; i like standing in there with the water running over me. If i can't shower i listen to my Ipod. I like my time in another room just for a 'breather'.

Sorry if this post is abit all over the place.

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona — Fri, 22 Jan 2016 08:15:56 GMT

Hello Shelley anne

Rest? ha. No such hope. Thank-you so much for your kind thoughts : )

I hope tonight is better. In any case i don't think there is any hocus pocus at work here. Just the effects of insomnia coupled by moodiness and mild anorexia.

For the time being i feel stable (7pm here). If i disappear for few days don't worry. We tend to lose internet coverage during storms

: )

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Guest_1055 — Fri, 22 Jan 2016 23:39:48 GMT

Thinking of you today, just wanted to say hello to you and send some love to you at your place.

With love

Shelley xx

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona — Sun, 24 Jan 2016 01:00:59 GMT

I'm feeling so not good. I just feel so grinded down. And maybe I shouldn't fear that dark tunnel so much because in a lot of ways I feel like I'm in a living hell anyway

I try so hard for a good morning. A good day. And when I'm feeling relatively stable after catching up on sleep, gathering all my reserves together someone else explodes (my 10 yr old) and I try to duck and weave around them. Because I don't want to lose my self control and end up like I was couple of days ago.

Here: take your benzo and get on with it. But I can't. About 4 days out of 7 i'm woken up by my son through the night though his on melatonin. That's if I'm actually sleeping. He's not well. I'm not well. What to do..what to do... somedays like today I just want to run away but I can't bring myself to do it. I know I wouldn't last out there for long.

I love them all with every fibre of my being. But I can't just tune out like their dad with his Playstation. Half days they all sit there gaming alternating between the ipod, ipad and playstation and it eats at me. Machine gun ratatatatat. My children don't play those but none the less sit and watch their dad playing. And that is 'family' time : (

No-one want to go anywhere with me even for drive. I'm lonely and miss my 17 year old so much.

Shelley anne : ) Your light and love received with gratitude. I'm touched you have taken a moment to think of me.

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Guest_1055 — Sun, 24 Jan 2016 12:28:08 GMT

So what did you get up to today. Did you go for a walk with your dog or anything? I'm sorry you and your little boy are not well. I do wish I could do something.

With lots of love to you

Shelley xx

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona — Fri, 29 Jan 2016 00:09:41 GMT

Hello Shelley anne : )

Well I'm pleased to report I successfully moved family out of the lounge...eventually. Got them out and into the state forest for a good 3 hour nature walk. Master 10 grumbled and kicked the dirt. Threw fallen branches. Thrown sticks and repeated "I 'fricken' hate this MUM!!! I'm going to die here, my legs feel weak....ba ba baaa". I told them all this will be a routine event every weekend depending on weather.

Australia Day we went to the lake and the children had a swim with their new paddle boards. Partner had to work though. The water sure worn us out

We are ok so please don't worry. Master 10 is very similar to me. He just needs to move. If he feels prickly/frustrated better he be walking and throwing sticks then playing car racing games or going through the recycling bin to find potential 'missiles'

Lots of love right back 'atcha' : )

Simona

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Guest_1055 — Sat, 30 Jan 2016 02:41:49 GMT

Hey Simona

That swim sounds really nice. I am glad you are OK. Boys seem to like finding and or making missiles and such.

With love

Shelley xx

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 23:54:37 GMT

Bad things have happened.

1. Someone (social worker) has gone behind my back and reported my mental status and now an individual has been assigned to haunt me every week via phone. They ask me about my feelings which is the equivalent of trying to pick a scab until I bleed. I have no choice about this and it's not easy for me to talk because I have to be very careful with what I say and how I say it. And this individual want to assign some kind of person to come and spend time with me. And I said NO thanks. I like being alone in a quiet house

2. Partner was cooking for a change and I was playing Pop Weasel around the table with Master 10 when mum rang. And I love my mum but this woman can turn into a downpour on my parade. Because she gets paranoid when I don't call and she wanted to know how I am. And she said 2 very upsetting things to me that make me feel like a rusty cheese grater. A. She is concerned I'm going to suicide and B. My son will grow up to be a psychopath. And I got quite tense inside but restrained my tone which I'm proud of. I told her not all psychopaths do those terrible things. Some are very successful business people or even anaesthetists. And I will love him anyway. And she said there is no such thing called "unconditional love" : /

I love my mum but her imagination is out of control. And it frustrates me so badly because I was having a good time/I was happy. Sometimes I really wonder who is mentally ill : /

I will sooner run away and re-invent myself than die. And next week I'm supposed to see the psychologist and I'm ultra paranoid. It's not an offense to think stuff. Thoughts = clouds. They drift and hurt no-one.

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Guest_1055 — Tue, 02 Feb 2016 03:07:34 GMT

Hello Simona

I know you love your children. Thinking of you.

With much love

Shelley xx

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona — Tue, 02 Feb 2016 04:15:48 GMT

hello Shelley

For you i will smile : )

My mum phoned earlier. She really wanted to train it up and stay for a couple of days . She said to please just think about it but i will say no. I don't want her to see me. Nothing personal.

I don't understand why people have to make such fuss. There's concern if i 'm really happy ( i actually think there's a degree of jealousy there). And then likewise worry if I'm silent like stone. Life could be SO simple if people could just learn to relax and kick back a little. I have hurt no-one and have no plans to. I'm just for fun and i am who iam. I'm whistling my own tune and was actually daydreaming for the better part of the day - about visiting Machu Picchu if i win the tatts tonight. There a lake there i want to swim in.

*Thank you Shelley*

In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona — Fri, 05 Feb 2016 22:56:35 GMT

I love my children yes. I love them so much. I'm not able to talk much but i kiss them gently while they sleep and stand over them watching