topic New to here in Long-term support over the journey

New to here

PurplOJ — Tue, 16 Aug 2016 17:04:18 GMT

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

New to here

Guest_3072 — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 03:20:47 GMT

Hi PurplOJ and welcome to the forums! This is a supportive place and hopefully you can get the help/insight that you are looking for on here! I am a uni student and I struggled with my last semester...is it possible for you to maybe take a break from your TAFE studies or is that not viable? Sometimes it helps to take a break from study to gain some perspective and not get caught up in the monotony of it all.

I think it's alarming when you said that you no longer live for yourself and only live for others. I think it's important to have some kind of vision for your life and what you want to achieve so that when you are going through some hard questionable times in your life, you can remain hopeful and motivated to stay alive to achieve whatever you haven't set out to do yet.

I think that maybe a good starting point would be to write out on a piece of paper the things that you like about yourself. If you can't think of much, you can ask the people around you, especially your 3 friends.

Maybe you can talk to your GP and get a mental health care plan from a counsellor/therapist under Medicare. That way, you can get the tailored help to support you with where you are currently at in your life?

New to here

Starwolf — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 03:58:57 GMT

Hi PurplOJ.

Thank you for courageously sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. A warm welcome to these forums. You have come to the right place.

You are in a bad head space at the moment and feeling alone with distressing issues doesn't make it any easier. Social isolation is one of depression by-products. Few people know what it entails so -due to this ignorance- they often do/say unhelpful things or choose to withdraw. It doesn't mean they don't care, they're just out of their depth. It is difficult enough for sufferers to understand this condition, even more so for outsiders.

Loss of motivation is another common symptom. It makes us feel that Life is passing us by, adding thoughts of inadequacy and despair to the equation. Just like diabetes or a heart condition, it is an illness happening to you, not caused by you. It should be regarded and treated as such. You are not to blame for any of this.

Are you on a health plan at the moment ? If not, a talk with a GP would be a good start towards getting a referral to a therapist. No need to struggle alone when assistance is available. With the right help and support, depression can be managed. Please take good care of yourself. You deserve a much better life than this.

Your safety is the priority. If intrusive thoughts are overwhelming, please do not hesitate to call the 24/7 helpline (1300 22 4636). Talking with someone who cares and understands will help you over a rough patch. No need to wait for reluctant friends to respond. Sometimes, we need to vent thoughts and feelings on the spot.

Meanwhile, I hope you will keep posting here as much and as often as you feel comfortable with. The more we know about your situation, the better we can support you and make helpful suggestions. These forums are a safe network, including caring people who are familiar with situations such as yours.

Good to have you on board.

New to here

james1 — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 06:42:42 GMT

Hi PurplOJ

Gabby and Starwolf have posted some really amazing replies with some great suggestions, so I don't feel like I can add too much more.

You sound like you have a lot on your plate and you need some help prioritising what to tackle first.That's where the professionals specialise - in ensuring you have a plan to take each problem in order of importance.

By coming here you're showing me a quality which may seem a bit invisible right now: the desire to live. It may be hard to see, but there is something inside you, behind all darkness you feel, which wants to live and see the other side of this mountain.

I hope you can keep coming and posting here because we can help support that fight inside of you and help it to grow.

You need a little bit of love and care right now, so here are some hugs your way.

James

New to here

PurplOJ — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 16:39:14 GMT

Thank-you Gabby and Starwolf and James,

I apologise for not getting back sooner.

I am not currently seeing a GP or anybody, and I do not have a health plan. I use to a few years ago, however I had to stop going as I could not find time to go during the limited 2 days that they were available, and I do not really have the money to even see anyone.

Stopping TAFE for me is not possible, due to me being in a technology course waiting will mean I have to start again and I am almost 3/4 of the way there.

The only part of me that wants to live does because I do not want to risk one of the 3 friends having a chance to feel sad. Because they mean everything to me, even if I do not mean anything to them. When I try to talk to them they can spend days to reply, with me ending up not talking to anyone for days on end.

And going on what Gabby said. I try to have a reality where I do want to get to, and have things that I want to live and achieve. However the things that I come up with turn out to require..... the other person to agree to come with me. There are places I have wanted to visit since I have been 7, its a place I can't go alone. But if I do manage to see somebody nearby, I mention trying to go there. All I get are things like "It's not worth the money" or "I do not want to visit there". It just happens so much that I give up on things, I know that I will never live to see those places.

And that is if people even want to meet up. Every time I try to reach out to someone, saying we should meet up, I get shot down. I don't know why, if they are scared of me, or they hate me or I am just unpleasant to be around. Given I assume that they are scared of me, most people see to be. Enough so that throughout most of secondary school people called me scary and said I would.. do bad thing to young people (I could never hurt anyone, people who do make me sick. It's something that I would consider worse than death.... well one of the worst torture things that someone can go through). Which made any dream of being a primary school teacher disappear when it was not just students that said that. People out in public said it, and do to this day. I never know why it happens, because of my looks, my actions, how I sound, if I look like someone who was jailed for such an offence. Because I am not that, and I could never even think of such things.

New to here

White_Rose — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 22:16:32 GMT

Dear PurplOJ

Hello, it's good to meet you. It's good that you have found your way to BB. Thank you for telling us your story. It can be quite uncomfortable to write about these things.

There is never a need to apologise here. Take all the time you need to reply, we will still be here. I see you have three friends although they do not keep in close contact. Do you have any family? Do you live with any family members? I hope you do not live alone as this can make your depression and anxiety feel so much worse.

Congratulations on continuing with your TAFE course and getting this far despite your difficulties. I think looking forward to completing this course, now that you are so near the end, can be a huge motivator. Having said that I can understand when you have bad days that finishing your study can seem irrelevant. Please keep going because you will have shown you can stick with something no matter how miserable you feel.

This is the same with your thoughts of dying. Many of the people who write in here have experienced the same thoughts and feelings as you are now. Telling yourself you are only staying alive for other people is not the best motive. I would like to feel you are staying with us because life has become so much better.

You have spoken about some of your wishes. Work out how you can achieve them once you have finished at TAFE. I know that it is more enjoyable to visit and explore places with someone who shares your enthusiasm. When this is not possible, try going on your own. I'm not good leaving home to travel far on my own. I get quite anxious, but it depends on where I am going. And the more you do this, the easier it becomes.

Can you go and see your GP? I think this is an important first step towards managing your life. There is, of course, the option of a mental health plan and up to ten subsidized visits to a psychologist which it seems you have already tried. I know the gap fee can be a lot to someone on a low income. Talk to your GP about low cast options. Organisations such as Relationships Australia and Anglicare offer counselling, making no charge or a very small charge. Your doctor may know of other options or be able to help you him/herself. GPs are quite skilled in this area.

Another area I am interested in, your personality. Why do you think people dislike you on sight? This is a major part of your life which is making you uncertain of yourself. However, only tell us what you feel comfortable saying.

Mary

New to here

PurplOJ — Thu, 18 Aug 2016 06:28:19 GMT

Thank you Mary,

I do live with my family still, however it isn't an enjoyable place. I would leave if I had the money to do so, however it is not possible for me right now.

I know that completing the course is probably good. It's just hard, I know truly it's not what I want. The things that I want to do are impossible.

I know it's not good, only living for others. However I do not feel that. All I have is my will to not hurt them... it's all I have had for a long time. Without I would have left long ago. I just do not want the chance to hurt them.

I am unable to go out alone to such areas. It's not just that I want to go there, it's being there with someone else. I have never really been places with others, and I want to be able to do it one day. It's like how I grew up never having slept at a friends house. Somethat that I have wanted to do but is now impossible.

I will try to see a GP. Although its hard to find time. TAFE takes up a lot of my time and I am unsure what I can get out of it. I personally dislike medication that alters me, and I really do not want to have to take any. And I am scared that if I refuse, given how I feel that I would be locked up in some psyc ward.

The reason I feel people hate me on sight is because they tell me as such. I don't talk to many people but when I tryed I usually got insaulted strait away. And the people who I talk to so I do not get more crazy being alone constantly tell me how they are scared of me, thinking I will snap and kill or do... inappropriate acts. When I am someone who can bearly think of raise a fist at anyone, because I feel horrible if I do wanting to turn the fist back at me.

PurpleOJ

New to here

james1 — Thu, 18 Aug 2016 06:43:21 GMT

Hi PurpleOJ,

It sounds like life is just throwing disappointment after disappointment at you, at a time when all you want is some glimmer of hope.

Let me assure you that there is something good out there for you even if it's hard to see. As you said, you're doing TAFE in the hope that something good will come out of it. I agree, and that's just one of many avenues towards a better life.

As Mary said, going to a GP is another avenue. Medication isn't the end of the world. In fact, it's not even a bad thing. We take medication to help our body cope with a stressor, whether it be the cold or a mental illness. It is not changing you in any more significant way than sleeping more, eating healthier, or going for walks changes you.

I don't know why people are so mean to you. All I can say is they just don't understand how hurtful it is, and importantly, they don't understand that you are not who they think you are.

I was recently told that I was emotionally manipulative. That really hurt. Doubly so because I behaved the way I did to avoid being emotionally manipulative. So I feel like I understand what you mean about feeling horrible. It's like we've not only failed, but we're bad people too.

I think this is something you will need to get help from someone who is professionally trained. We will keep supporting you here, but GPs and mental health specialists have the right expertise to identify really solid strategies that will make you feel safer.

Do you think you could make the time in the coming week to see your GP? I know you're busy with TAFE, but your mental health takes priority here.

James

New to here

PurplOJ — Thu, 18 Aug 2016 17:50:32 GMT

Hello again James,

That is what it is like, Life does what it does best and trowing shit at people. I know that I do not have it as bad as others, but dam life is relentless.

I... honestly do not believe that there is something out there. I have been going through this for a very long time, and that is what I was told years ago.... and to this day it had not proven true.

I personally do not want medication. I have things in my head that I know, that should remain in my head. And I fear that once I take some, the barriers that I have built up over years and years of this will just crumble down. I will end up saying something that I should not or tell people things they should not know. And than I would end up more alone than I am now, or with people out to get me. And that is if I am still here after the wall is gone, because I hid things that I never want to remember behind it... events that give me nightmares and sleepless night sometime, if I remembered it all I do not know if I could cope.

People are mean, because its me. They have been calling me the person who does bad things to young people since I was 13... I do not know why, the only answer I could come up with is because its me. It just continues with me till today. I am just happy people are not physical like there were in primary school.

It sucks that you were called that. It seems to be something a lot of us experience (I personally haven't as I don't share emotions with my friends), when people cannot understand how we feel, and stuff. However at least that is good and you are getting your emotions out to those around you rather than bottling them up. And yes, the fact that we are bad people is basically being etched into our heads.

I am unsure if I can see a GP, whenever it comes down to it I never have the courage to call and make appointments and put it off forever. Hopefully I can make one.

PurpleOJ

New to here

blondguy — Thu, 18 Aug 2016 18:17:43 GMT

Hey PurplOJ

Im glad you have posted...I'm Paul and have had anxiety and depression for about 30 years....

I am glad James, Starwolf, Mary & Gabby have responded with their care as you deserve it.

You are lucky as you are 19...I wish! I hope you dont feel down with all the various 'labels' that you read about. I just hope that you can stick around

My kind thoughts for you

Paul

New to here

james1 — Fri, 19 Aug 2016 10:21:13 GMT

Hey PurplOJ

It sounds to me like there's a lot you've locked away and don't feel safe opening right now. That is okay.

It also sounds like you know seeing a doctor is the best thing because only they can help you find a safe place physically and mentally to get through your walls. Because if you want to get significantly better, you will need to face what's behind those walls.

I only ask to see how we can help: what were you looking for when you came here on the forums? Sometimes it can help to reflect on what it is we want, and what it is we need. That will help me understand you better as well.

Please feel free to keep expressing your concerns here. We want t to help you feel comfortable enough to make an appointment with your GP, then support you through that process too.

James

New to here

White_Rose — Fri, 19 Aug 2016 11:14:52 GMT

Hello PurplOJ

You may not yet have the courage to make an appointment with your GP, but you have the courage to write here. That is an enormous step for many people and I suspect for you also. When I first became depressed my daughter used to say to me. "Baby steps mom, baby steps". And it was true. I could only manage baby steps. Sometimes they were baby steps backwards. I found the process slow, painful and discouraging. Most of all I did not believe I would ever feel better.

And it has taken a long time. The antidepressants that were prescribed did very little, partly because they were not the right pills for me and partly because the psych could not prescribe what he called a therapeutic dose because of the major side effects. So taking meds is not all plain sailing. Not trying to put you off or reinforce your dislike of meds. It's simply a fact that they did very little for me. Eventually my GP tried me on the first type of ADs on the market, tricyclics, and they worked. Life is so much better, no dreadful side effects and the return of the person I think is the real me.

I still have bad days but I can manage these because I know I have done so before. Purpl, you have so many difficulties to deal with and these cannot be resolved all together. The walls you have built have served you well for a long time. This is where you feel safe. How do you feel about making a few windows. Not for others to see in but for you to see out? I gather that so far you have only met with rejection and hurt and you don't know why.

How would it be if you could find out why? Would that be a good first step? Would it help you do you think? You could go and see your GP and ask this question. Take a copy of this thread with you as a backup in case you get too nervous to speak. Ask your GP the question. Forget about all the other things you want to know or do, just concentrate on this bit.

How do you feel about others telling you their stories? Do you think it helps? Have you read any other posts. It's surprising what you find on other threads that relates to your situation.

You say you do not have it as bad as others and at first I thought you were going to say that you don't deserve any help because of this. But you didn't. You acknowledged that others had difficult lives and that yours was also difficult. You are as important and as worthy of love and care as anyone else. Keep that thought in your mind.

Please talk about anything that worries or upsets you.

Mary

New to here

PurplOJ — Fri, 19 Aug 2016 19:25:08 GMT

Hello Mary,

It sounds like you have a lovely daughter for sticking with you through what you went/are going through. You must have a decently close family to achieve that.

I am unsure how I would feel about putting windows so I see outside the walls I have built around me. I do not fully understand, but I guess I can try. And yes, almost every time that I have tried to open up, all I get is rejection. Because apparently trying to open up and have people know more makes you a "needy F" or since I am male (I apologise if these words offend you, I do not like the words however they are what is used) I am "Gay" or "Retarded" for wanting to talk... yay for gender roles and such.... It's such a good thing to have....

Apart from that point, I think that it would be good to find out more specifically why. So I can learn and do something about it. And that's a good idea of the printout, I might do that if I can at some point get to my GP.

Others telling stories is good, it means that you are not alone. If its only you feeling bad and only you opening up than you can feel alone and a bother. I have read some of the other threads here, a few of the smaller ones and some of Emmy's novel (It's over 700 posts long, so I have not had the time to read it all).

And yeah of course I do not have it as bad as others, there are those that have been through more and even those that have been through the same for a longer period of time. To think that I am the worst and stuff is silly. Although I probably do not deserve as much 'love and care' as most, I'm not a good person in reality.

And James, the reason I came to these forums because I had nowhere else to go. I was looking for some where I could talk and not be judged like I do in real life. I also came seeking a place to build up courage, because nobody knows who I am here, I might be a bit more open so I can learn to be that where people know who I am. (Given that requires trust, which I have trouble giving). And partially because I was going days almost weeks without friendly interaction with others. I thought that it would have been better to do this rather than not and build up more of these feelings till I snap.

PurplOJ

New to here

White_Rose — Sat, 20 Aug 2016 04:03:26 GMT

Hello POJ

Is it OK to shorten your name? It's a good Aussie tradition but more importantly uses fewer characters, except of course when I add a huge explanation.

There is one important point I want you to understand. There is no need for you to compare yourself to others. Sure others may appear to have it worse than you, but you have no idea how bad this is for the person concerned. Different problems have different impacts on everyone. There is no hierarchy of woundedness as though you should stand in line behind more wounded people. You are as deserving of love, care and assistance as anyone else.

So now that's cleared up lets move on. One of the reasons that others may not respond to you opening up is their lack of understanding and fear of the unknown. The stigma of poor mental health is gradually going away, albeit slowly. We can consider ourselves, if not pioneers. at least early workers. Have you explored the huge amount of information on BB? You can download much of this or send for hard copies of what you want. Perhaps you could get some printed material for your family?

Write here on BB as often as you want or need. It's not quite the same as face to face communication, but not bad. You do have the space to consider your reply, which is not often available in verbal conversation. So far I have not seen anything that makes you repugnant. You are a person struggling with life and we are here to help as much as possible. We are all broken, is a comment I make frequently. And it's true. It doesn't matter if the break is not the same, it all hurts and we all need to heal. A bit like Humpty Dumpty.

When you are feeling better and stronger, then talk to others if you wish. Self confidence has a lot going for it in a conversation.

It's good you are reading other threads and can see you are not alone with your difficulties. When I first realised that, it was definitely a light-bulb moment. There are lots of stories. Have a look at Relationships and Family Issues/Realization, affected by family abuse/KaraArtist. The two stories are full of hope, even though I was almost crying over them.

Keep writing.

Mary

New to here

PurplOJ — Sat, 20 Aug 2016 17:46:06 GMT

Hey again Mary,

Sure, go ahead and call me whatever.

That might be a good explanation for why some people are like that. I just wish I had the chance to open up to some people, I have been trying to talk with one of my friends for ~10 days now and when we planned to talk tonight I am giving up as its 3:30 am without being able to even talk. I have explored a bit of the BB resources, they are slightly helpful. And I cannot get my family involved with how I feel. They are not a helpful group of people, I receive constant insults from them directly and indirectly and all they do is put me down telling me I am a lazy arse and such. I do not trust them much, and the last time I had stuff like this they betrayed my trust and told those who I did not want to know (I don't get along with some of my family, who were told and ended up making things worse)

Its fine that BB is online and not face to face, its what I am use to. I only see one of my friends once every 2-3 months. And I think having time to chance what you type is not good all the time, you can edit what you say over and over till what you were meaning originally is fully lost and you are no longer speaking the truth from your heart. You are just saying what is best.

Sure, I might check those sections out sometime in the future.

PurplOJ

New to here

White_Rose — Sun, 21 Aug 2016 06:59:32 GMT

Hello POJ

You sound a little more positive in this last post. I do hope that is correct.

I'm not sure if you meant your friend did not arrive or if you have been talking about other topics and not got around to what you want to discuss. If it is the latter scenario then may I suggest you be a little assertive and bring up the subject yourself.

I am intrigued about why your family call you lazy. Is it because you are studying instead of working? Seems a bit harsh.

Have you got closer to making that appointment with your GP? I think it would help you a great deal. You know the one about the longest journey starting with a single step. It really is true.

James wrote: It also sounds like you know seeing a doctor is the best thing because only they can help you find a safe place physically and mentally to get through your walls. That is so true. He also said: Because if you want to get significantly better, you will need to face what's behind those walls. This is why we are here, to help you have a little peep around the walls and start the journey to health.

As a matter of interest my psych asked me to chronicle the events of a couple of years ago in order for her to have a clear picture. Well I started to do this, wrote about eight lines and stopped. I couldn't do it. When I returned I told her how awful it had been and I was so angry I could not listen to her. Eventually I calmed down enough to agree we would continue to explore but only a little at a time.

Frankly it terrifies me but I will not get better until I face the awful things that happened. And the psych will help me. That's all I have to hang on to. I would love to hold hands with you, so to speak, while we both start our journeys.

Mary

New to here

PurplOJ — Sun, 21 Aug 2016 11:24:10 GMT

Hey there,

I am unsure if I was more positive during the last post or not, I might have just been very tired. However it does not matter, I took a few steps back today after an argument with my mother. Apparently I was being lazy again and she chose to spend 10 minutes yelling and shouting at me, while I stood there saying nothing. I ended up in my room having a slight cry and trying to resist the urge to kill myself. I probably would have left my house and gone somewhere else for a few days if I had somewhere to go.

My friend just never showed up. If something happened or what, I have no idea. All I understand is that she wanted to have the conversation and never showed. She does have her own stuff (I will not enter due to privacy reasons) so it could have been that, however it was very disappointing. Her stuff is why I have did not try and speak to her during the first few months of wanting to kill myself (I have been contemplating it for a few months now).

The reason I am lazy is because I apparently don't do anything. I don't feed the cats enough compared to how much she feeds them, I don't cook as much or work etc. For example today's event was due to me trying to have a discussion about lunch. The only thing we do as a family anymore is eat, apart from that we never talk. I am fine cooking for myself or even for the family. She just plans everything and I have no idea what the plan is. So I was trying to see what we should do, and she just snapped at me. Honestly I feel as though I should give up on that. Having meals with family members just ends up with yelling. Right now, that and talking to my TAFE teachers about work is the only physical interaction I have regularly. Honestly it was pretty stupid of me, and I should not have done it.

I am going to try to call my GP tomorrow as they were closed today. Going to try and have an appointment on Friday when I am off TAFE.

And that is an interesting story. Hopefully your thing with your psych goes well (If you are referencing current events rather than past). I have no idea what you went through yourself (Sorry if you have said it, I have not read it or am dumb and have somehow missed it), but I hope you can work through it yourself. And hey, don't forget what your daughter said about baby steps.

PurplOJ

New to here

White_Rose — Sun, 21 Aug 2016 22:52:34 GMT

Hello POJ

The events I mentioned started 4-5 years ago. I have not addressed them properly and I still get triggered by events. The psych asking me to chronicle what happened was a couple of weeks ago, which set off my latest depression episode. No I have not mentioned it before. I wanted to tell you a little about it to let you know I have also found it difficult to look my demons in the face. Scary stuff.

So here's to new beginnings and journeys. Who knows what we may meet on the way. Must dash now. I do volunteer work for several organisations. This is good for me and hopefully good for the people I work with. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday are my busy days. I will write in again later.

Mary

New to here

james1 — Mon, 22 Aug 2016 01:26:55 GMT

Hi PurplOJ,

I've been reading your posts but haven't replied because you seem to be having a wonderful conversation with Mary and I wasn't sure I had any more to add.

I just wanted to say I read your last post about your family and you're not alone. I'm 24 and living at home for the moment, and I also hate that mum seems to have plans for the entire day and if I ever do something different, that seems to ruin her day and she takes it out on me. If I'm home late, she can't sleep. I'm not allowed to clean the dishes, but I'm also apparently "using home as a hotel." She wanted me to have a happy relationship with my ex, but couldn't stop pointing out everything wrong with my ex. And if I asked her to stop because that was between me and my ex, well, then I wasn't letting her have an opinion.

But one thing I've learned, and it sounds like you're at that point too, is that our parents do love us even if they don't know how. And they likely feel like they've done so much for us, but we're not reciprocating.

I'm not sure about your particular circumstance, but I'm treating my relationship with mum as a bridge that is so badly burned, there's no use trying to fix it. Better wait a while, then start building a new bridge somewhere else, when I feel more safe.

As Mary said: new beginnings and journeys. Some things are just too far gone to "save", but that doesn't preclude them from being part of a new life you can build.

Hope that makes sense and helps. I'm really glad you're going to be seeing the GP this week.

James

New to here

PurplOJ — Mon, 22 Aug 2016 01:28:48 GMT

Hi,

It is unfortunate that you had to suffer through your problems for so long. I do hope that you are feeling alright or better since the start of that depression episode. And yes those demons can be some scary stuff.

So than yes. Hears to new beginnings.

Also that sounds nice. Its nice that you volunteer at many places. Take care.

PurplOJ