topic My daughter is angry at the world and me in Long-term support over the journey

My daughter is angry at the world and me

blondguy — Fri, 22 Jul 2016 19:34:44 GMT

Hey Everybody. I ma really stuck and need advice with my daughter. I love her to bits but she is angry at the world and me. I have been on the forums since January and being an old guy I just thought I ask for some help. Here is some background...if you can help me

She gone all gothic and weird...post natal depression...wont talk about it or accept any help...
Dyed her long blond hair jet black and wears a lot of black and umm...self injured last year when she couldnt see her married BF..
She sent me a MMS of her 'injuries'...that really hurt to see
Has just had a baby to her boss...he is married with 3 kids..and he has warned her not to say anything
she asked me to borrow my 2007 XR8 when she had her car impounded and I said no...Now I am evil for saying no
i did mention that under 25's cant drive the XR8...she didnt care...she just wanted to use it..I still said no...
Christmas day 2015 I turned up with presents at her place and she said.."I have had a late night...can you come back tomorrow"?

I use bullet points so it would be easier to read and respond to. (I cant stand mega paragraphs) Do I just give her space...or just a phase?

She lives 10 minutes away and has 2 great kids to 2 different dads. I daughter who is 3 and her new baby son who is about 3 months..She doesnt do drugs. She wants everything now ....Platinum Foxtel...Leather lounge....VE SV6 Commodore.....and the single mums pension of course.

I spend a lot of my time on the Depression/Anxiety threads....but I am lost here....should I just let her find her own way? Any thought/opinion would be gold to me right now.....also...whats an emo?....and yes Im serious..is it a dark and depressed person?

Thankyou for reading and please do respond if you can help...Have a great weekend too!

My kind thoughts and respect

Paul 🙂

My daughter is angry at the world and me

topsy_ — Fri, 22 Jul 2016 22:02:53 GMT

Hi Paul,

I'm sorry you are going through these difficulties with your daughter. Our children have this amazing capacity to hurt us, don't they?! But that's only because we love them so much I think.

I'm not sure if I can give you any advice despite being in the same situation with our middle daughter who is 36. She cut us out of her world 4/5 years ago now.

She was angry & extremely hurtful. I was blamed for everything wrong in her life & she treated Mick & I appallingly.

We were asked to go to her home & look after our 2 grandchildren during the school holidays. We were delighted to be able to spend that time with them.

However when we got there nothing we did was right. Mick didn't wash up properly so she had to do it all again (really!!). I didn't keep the bathroom clean enough or get up early enough to make everyone's breakfast.

But the real crunch came when I dared to sit on my grandsons $700 chair. Obviously I was too big & heavy & I was going to break it even though the chair itself was very heavy. I was yelled at & the chair whisked out from underneath me.

After everything else that was the final straw. I told my daughter her behaviour was unacceptable & we left. Since then she has cut off all contact. Any gifts I posted up for birthdays & Christmas were returned unopened.

Normally I would expect myself to go to pieces in that kind of situation but I didn't. As upsetting as it has been to lose her presence in our lives, I acted on what I believed in.

So Paul, I don't know what the solution is. I keep reminding myself my goal was to raise my girls to live independently, making their own decisions. So she sure is doing that!!

I live in hope that one day she might forgive me for all my real & imagined failings as her mum. Whatever is driving her & despite her anger & rejection, I'm sure that somewhere deep inside her, she knows I love her.

I hope things work out with your daughter too Paul. Maybe others on BB will have more wisdom than I.

Take care, Lyn.

My daughter is angry at the world and me

geoff — Sat, 23 Jul 2016 00:13:14 GMT

dear Paul, your post is one which I too would grieve about so much, because the hurt only deepens everytime you try and make contact with her, so behind your brave face there lies a darkness which you are unable to overcome.
The hesitation and fear when you hope that this time it will be successful and she will finally open the door and embrace you, only makes your anxiety increase to a degree where your heart rate increases, the sweat starts and perhaps the frequent visits to the loo happen far too often.
The wonder whether you will try again tomorrow only exemplifies the beginning of all of these conditions, so it's always an onging problem at the moment, and I do feel so sorry for you and absolutely can feel your pain.
It is so hard but so good of you to reply to other people on this site with such care and total understanding but beneath all of this there is this ongoing concern, but can I say that the job you do is remarkable.
I just wanted to post this back to you before I try and help you with this deep sorrow, as I haven't answered any replies but saw yours, so I had to answer you.
I will get back to you and that's a promise Paul. Geoff.

My daughter is angry at the world and me

Wednesday — Sat, 23 Jul 2016 00:15:33 GMT

Hi Paul,

I grieve for you, it must feel like arrows to your heart to be treated this way. Kids have a great way of pressing our buttons and know exactly which ones to press. I'm afraid your daughter sounds like an emo, it's cultish and they have been known to make suicide pacts, black hair and clothes, cutting and depression are all a close fit. That she is sending you the mms pictures sounds like a call for help.

Paul you are so sweet to everyone on the forums, please don't take this personally, she sounds as though she is acting out, maybe it's safe to act out around you, unconditional love is a grea thing. But she is an adult and has two gorgeous babies and has to be responsible.

She could be (sounds like) depressed or have post natal depression. I am concerned about the babies welfare, in the state she is in now, how is she able to look after them? Do you know much about her life? My goodness having a baby to the love of your life and being warned not to say anything would be horrendous, how would you cope with that? She doesn't sound like she is copying and is probably not looking after herself all that well at the moment.

I have adult children and if this was either of them I would take this very seriously. I don't think it is about being horrid to you (you're safe to be horrid too) I think it's much deeper.

For what it's worth I take this seriously and be making a lot of enquiries, maybe the chat line people here can help? I'd be pretty unpopular but it would be better than seeing one of my offspring so despairing.

Are you in contact with her mum, would a chat with her help?

I'm sorry if this is to blunt. Hugs, xx

My daughter is angry at the world and me

blondguy — Sat, 23 Jul 2016 22:23:27 GMT

Hello Lyn, Thankyou for responding. I think sometimes that even if we bring a child up the right way they can still take the wrong fork in the road when they get older no matter what we do. I didnt know you were going through a similar situation. You do have great wisdom and thankyou for being there for me. Paul xx

Hi Geoff, bless your kind heart Geoff for understanding. I will be giving her (myself) a break as I dont really need to be banging my head against a brick wall and have my health go backwards. There seems to be so many people falling apart around me I have lost count Geoff. Its taken me many years but my own health has to be my priority as I need to be well to be there for them. You have a huge heart and thankyou my friend. Paul

My daughter is angry at the world and me

james1 — Sat, 23 Jul 2016 23:09:34 GMT

Hi Paul, sorry I can't lend much more than my best wishes in this very difficult time.

I like what you said about focussing on yourself at the moment. Like you say, you need to be strong when your daughter reaches out and needs your help.

Speaking from your daughters point of view, I'm 24 and Ive had a strained relationship with my mum and dad for various reasons all my life. I don't push them away but I stay pretty independent. And to some extent that's because I'm afraid that, probably wrongly, that their own issues would make them lash out at me. I just hope that one day I'll feel comfortable enough to open up with them

My daughter is angry at the world and me

blondguy — Sun, 24 Jul 2016 00:15:28 GMT

Hello and Wednesday and thankyou for your take on this..I have been reading your posts and you are a kind and wise carer. I cant speak to her mum as I won a family court case in 1996 that prevented her taking my daughter interstate. She is still really angry at me for that.

A court appointed child pyschologist was sad that my daughter was being brought up as a best friend (like an adult) by her mum instead of a child. The child psych told me that it would effect my daughter in a bad way. The hard part is that my daughter is 23 and leaves me with little recourse. My own GP told me that I have to look after myself first and then 'be there for her'...I will be keeping a 'eye out' on the kids though of course.

Thankyou for your wisdom and caring response. Its not blunt....its great advice from a great mum...and thanks for the hugs..they are needed. Paulxx

My daughter is angry at the world and me

blondguy — Sun, 24 Jul 2016 00:23:42 GMT

Hey James1, Thanks heaps for your response. You are a great support to me and many others. I posted this thread under young people to get responses from their perspective. I like what you said about being 'independent' my daughter has mentioned this many times.

James said: "that their own issues would make them lash out at me. I just hope that one day I'll feel comfortable enough to open up with them"

This also helps me too James..Thankyou for your advice and clarity. It means a lot to me. Paul

(great work/advice on the forums too:-)

My daughter is angry at the world and me

Sharny — Sun, 24 Jul 2016 00:33:23 GMT

Hello Paul my friend,

Firstly I'd like to say how sorry I am of the hurt and anguish you are feeling right now. Your daughter sounds like she's in a tough spot and it must be extremely difficult to say the least as a parent watching all of the behavior you describe above. Paul, I'm dubious in offering what sort of advice to you but just wan't you to know I care really. So when I suggest this I hope it lands to you knowing how I'm treading, uncertain on how to offer you guidance but with every care in mind.

Firstly I'd like to say, this does not sound like a phase. I could be wrong of course but either way I feel your daughter needs to talk with someone even impartial to yourself if she's shutting you off. If there was any way possible, could you offer her the lifeline number? I understand it might be even hard to suggest anything like this to your daughter. Anger, frustration and hurt can often be directed at the safest person the sufferer has. You being a solid support and her Dad will be likely to have everything she is feeling shoveled at you unfortunately.

I would take all of this as very serious indeed. Your daughter seems very caught with two very young children to care for herself then her own care is vital. Not being able to say anything about her child would be very painful, distressing as a mother.

Paul, I really feel for you reading this. I'm cautious in how to guide you but rather wanting you to know even if I don't have any solid advice that support is here for you. Sending kindness your way, please drop in again with your feelings if need be. I hope you manage to keep your own health on a level manageable through all of this.

Sharny.

My daughter is angry at the world and me

Wednesday — Sun, 24 Jul 2016 03:52:27 GMT

Hi Paul,

Thank you for your lovely response.

I can only imagine how awful it is to watch your adored daughter right now. My heart would be breaking as I suspect yours is. Of course your doctor is right, you have to look after yourself first. You have a very lucky daughter and grandchildren, one day they will realise too. Please don't take this to heart it's not you.

Lots of hugs. xx

My daughter is angry at the world and me

james1 — Sun, 24 Jul 2016 04:37:20 GMT

Hi Paul, thanks for your reply and I'm really glad you're so open as well.

I forgot to add last time that I do also remember the times when my parents have tried to reach out to me, and even if I pushed them away at the time, it was nice to know that they cared.

So certainly I think youre doing all you can by giving yourself the attention you deserve and keeping an eye out for your daughter so she knows you're there for her.

James

My daughter is angry at the world and me

geoff — Sun, 24 Jul 2016 20:45:09 GMT

dear Paul my good friend, I have read all the replies back to you and everyone feels so sorry that this situation has happened, it's a thought that no one who has children would never want to occur.
Paul I know what you have to cope with, so I admire your strength and how you respond to people on this site who post in wanting our help and support to their many problems, it's incredible, but deep down you have this loss of contact with your daughter and g/daughters, and if I were in the same position I don't how I would be able to cope.
I was once in the a situation where my youngest son didn't want anything to do with me after the divorce and house was sold, but at that stage I was deep in depression, so the impact on me was nothing like it is for you, because depression just loves sad times joining it, to add on to what you already have.
I tried many times to ring him but the phone was engaged or he just hung up on me, so this continued for weeks seemed like months or perhaps it was, so I just went back to drinking more alcohol, as I was doing in depression, so the pain I wanted to go away, but it didn't, all it did was to make me cry more and to make me more melancholic, so alcohol was just making everything worse.
I decided to go to down where he was living and that stage there were 4 or 5 friends living with him, so I was welcomed by his friends and finally saw my son and slowly then the ice broke, but not my depression.
Sometimes when kids aren't allowed to use something which you have denied them, there is a possibility that they will contact you in the future, especially as her children begin to grow, where she may need a baby-sitter.
I know what pressure you are under at the moment but you are our friend and love to have you on this site.Take care my good dear friend. Geoff. x

My daughter is angry at the world and me

blondguy — Sun, 24 Jul 2016 20:49:28 GMT

Hi Sharny, thankyou so much for your support and being there. Your kind thoughts mean heaps right now. It is a tough one. Paulx

Wednesday, Love your wisdom, thanks for being there. Paulx

My daughter is angry at the world and me

blondguy — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 09:31:02 GMT

Hey James, I really liked what you wrote in your last post......"I forgot to add last time that I do also remember the times when my parents have tried to reach out to me, and even if I pushed them away at the time " it was nice to know that they cared."

Thanks James....That makes it clearer even again. Nice1

Hi Geoff, you are spot on...depression loves extra sad times joining it. Can be a real pain. It seems to happen to so many people including yourself. I think its a real day by day process. You did well with your youngest son though....in the end it worked out. Your kind support is greatly appreciated and welcomed right now. Paulx

My daughter is angry at the world and me

Petra — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 20:29:31 GMT

Hey BB buddy!

I'm guilty for pushing my Mother away at various stages of my life, to varying degrees. Today, I can't even remember why? I've experienced the same treatment from my daughters too. At one time, one was pushing me away and the other pulling me close. Eventually, they chose to live with their father after deciding it was me to blame for the divorce. Usually happens to the men, hey?! I was gutted. It was exhausting, and I cried a lot, and often. It seemed special occasions such as birthdays and Xmas were good opportunities to sink the boots in. One day daughter "2 did turn up to a family celebration, blond hair died black, cut in a way that looked like she had been caught in the wind from all directions. I opened the door with horror and said "what have you done to your hair?" I reacted in the way my daughter wanted me to. I loved her blond hair and she knew this. She won again. I proved her right again. She could justify continuing to treat me in the way she wanted to. It took some years. The attitude started to soften, heavy makeup disappeared, and only just now the natural hair colour has returned to blonde, but only after all other colours were trialled! I too decided it best to take a step back because it was killing me. I'd ring or text their phones and leave a message of "hello, thinking of you" but I didn't ask anything of them. I never thought the day would come. Daughter #1 after saying she wouldn't accept a 'retread' (aka divorced man with kids) is now a proud step-mum to 3 children and ringing me for advice! I bite my tongue the same way my Mother, no doubt, bit hers as she watched and advised me with my girls (eyes lowered here). You are right. You need to take care of yourself first. You need to place the oxygen mask over your nose first in this flight my friend. In my experience 'children come back'. Eventually, in some capacity. We hope this is sooner than later of course. We hope it's in a functional way. It may take some time. Be there for her. Let her know this. Don't push. She's not doing drugs. Her harming herself does scream 'help' to me. Perhaps let her know this is what you believe it is, and see how she responds? I hope this has helped.

Wow! I've really exposed my belly here, but you're worth it. Hope this has been of some help, to you and others.

Your cheerleader, Pet. 😊

My daughter is angry at the world and me

Apollo_Black — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 23:17:04 GMT

Hey Paul

Sorry I can't be much help for you here - this is all something I'm yet to face. As you know I'm going through a similar journey to you with my marriage.

I just wanted to lend my support for such a great guy who cares so much and the appreciation shown here is very evident.

Like I hope to do - the only thing I can suggest is to never give up, even when things so low you can't go on. Never give up on your daughter and just keep being there for her.

You're a great bloke and If I could I would buy you a beer, or a coffee if you would prefer. Thinking of you mate

My daughter is angry at the world and me

blondguy — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 23:50:02 GMT

Hello Petra, You are always a great help. Great reply and thankyou. It is interesting to read that I am not flying solo. I like the term 'retread' lol. I am glad your daughter 'came around' 🙂 I actually dont push her, I just leave her alone now. Thanks for taking the time to write. Your support is invaluable Pet. Hugs. Paulx (you made me smile with that cheerleader line)

Hey Apollo, To have a reply from you is a huge help on its own. I value the advice and counsel you have provided to me (and others) so much. Your support means heaps to me Apollo. All the best for you and your son too 🙂

My daughter is angry at the world and me

Guest_1055 — Wed, 27 Jul 2016 16:35:24 GMT

Hi Paul, known to me as Mr Woof

I know you are going through some heavy emotional times. I am guessing your loving heart hurts to see your daughter the way she is. Because you just want the very best for her. I am sorry Mr Woof. Here is a hug for you, because I know you like them.

Love

Shelleybelly xx

My daughter is angry at the world and me

blondguy — Wed, 27 Jul 2016 16:48:06 GMT

Hey Shelleybelly

I really appreciate your support Shelleybelly...I have only just realised that there is only so much I can do. She is working part time and her married boss is the father. My daughter being 23 can do what what she likes...no matter what I say...she is an adult...I can only be here for her.

Her boss has a family and kids....I dont have a macho attitude/ego so there would be no point in me 'visiting' him. My daughter has some lessons to learn here. I also have to look after myself first...

Bless your heart Shelleybelly for your support...Much Love too

Mr Woof! xx

My daughter is angry at the world and me

Lost_Girl — Thu, 28 Jul 2016 05:18:23 GMT

Hi Mr.Woof,

I found your thread only to be opened to more detail of what I already knew was a hard and heartbreaking situation.

Everyone has given great heartfelt advice. Taking care of yourself is certainly a number 1 priority.

I think though that part of taking care of yourself should include letting out how you feel about what's happening with your daughter. By sending you the photos she did she has involved you in the darker side of how she feels right now.

Perhaps write a letter to her explaining how you feel and emphasising that you'll be there for her and the kids whenever she is ready.

If not a letter then start a journal and write what you feel. It will help to get it out.

Big hugs and love to you. You are a great Dad.

Carol xx