topic Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now? in Long-term support over the journey

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

QldMouse — Fri, 03 Jun 2016 04:05:19 GMT

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

Rachel3 — Fri, 03 Jun 2016 06:01:58 GMT

Hi, Unfortunately Im not experienced enough to help you with what to do in your relationship, but I do think that it is never too late. I understand how hard it must be to go though this all. I think continuing to go to a therapist is the best thing you can do for both of you (and trying to get her to go to). At this time thinking about dating is probably not your first priority, your mental health should come first. Also I don't think your therapist should be encouraging you to leave your wife and then talking about going into another relationship quickly but thats just my opinion. Mental health takes time and work to get better. If you feel that your therapy is not helping at all I suggest going to your doctor and looking for another option, perhaps a different kind of therapy or going on medication. There are also losts of resources online (like on beyond blue) that may help you and your wife. If your wife wont let anyone help then you cant change that, but you could encourage her to do things that you are being told to do from your therapist. In the end everything is up to you and everyone is different. Just doing give up, you are amazingly strong for dealing with this and you can get better. I hope this helps at lest a little.

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

pipsy — Fri, 03 Jun 2016 06:47:21 GMT

Hi QldMouse. The position you're in now seems to have stemmed from a childhood where you were repressed. Beginning any relationship is hard because both of you are strangers, going into an arranged relationship would've been even harder because neither of you had an opportunity to really 'know' each other prior to getting married. It sounds as though your parents thought they were helping you, when what they were actually doing is repressing you as a person. You said you were sad, lonely, depressed etc. May I ask if you also suffered acute shyness, which would've contributed to your fear of asking someone out, then fearing rejection. Shyness alone often causes acute depression. Because of the fear of rejection, being laughed at, people tend to withdraw becoming shy and uneasy. Were you able at any time to talk to your parents about your fears? Your therapist, advising you to separate seems a bit extreme. Perhaps she was asking if you were contemplating separating and you misunderstood. Telling you, you have qualities women are looking for, could be her way of helping you build your confidence. Can I ask if your Dr referred you to your therapist? If that is the case, it might be an idea to re-visit your Dr and have a talk with her/him about what the therapist said. Maybe ask for another referral or ask for a referral to a marriage counsellor. Overcoming shyness can be a major hurdle, but it can be overcome with the right sort of help, guidance. I feel the shyness due to repression could the crux of your problem. The panic attacks, morbid fear, breathing problems, most of this can be overcome once you learn to overcome shyness. Maybe short term AD's may help with the shyness, the AD's would help you relax, which then eases the tension, fear etc.

Lynda.

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

White_Rose — Fri, 03 Jun 2016 09:34:51 GMT

Dear Qld Mouse

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am sorry you are having such a hard time and feeling so bad about it.

I am unsure about your story. By that I mean I can't grasp what's happening. That's probably because I am a bit slow on the uptake so please bear with me. Can I ask you a few questions?

You have told us I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. Can you tell me why you felt these emotions? Were you abused, or neglected? I ask because it does make a difference to the way you grow up. I also don't want to tread on any toes. Feeling shame is a horrible experience when you have done nothing to be ashamed of.

If I understand you correctly you had an arranged marriage, which is unusual these days. I gather it was a happy marriage at the start. You were also blessed by the birth of your daughter. How old is she? I have two daughters who are very precious to me. So I can understand how difficult it would be to leave your wife and also your daughter.

I have learned a few lessons during my lifetime. There are probably more lessons I should have learned, but so far I have learned you can only manage your life. You tell us you are unwell and need help. I believe no therapist should be telling you to leave your life. This is something under your control, not your therapists. May I ask who diagnosed your depression? Was it your doctor? Have you had any other diagnosis? These are important issues in your life to develop and maintain good physical and mental health.

I hope you will tell us a little more about being unwell. You said your wife took medication which suits her, but not you. Did you take the same meds as her and were they prescribed by your doctor? It's not a good idea to take medication prescribed for someone else. If your GP prescribed them perhaps you should see him/her again and explain the meds had bad side effects for you. This way the GP can prescribe another medication. All ADs are not the same. They work in different ways and people react to them in very different ways. I have found many ADs do not suit me but finally found something that worked for me and which I could tolerate.

Perhaps this is true in your case also. I suggest you visit your GP again and explain how the ADs made you feel. If you feel nervous about talking, write down the things you want to say and give theses notes to the doctor. Please respond and we can talk again.

Mary

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

QldMouse — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 10:54:37 GMT

Thank you Rachel3, pipsy, and White Rose, I really appreciate you taking the time to comment.

I’m sorry, I don’t explain myself very well, and trying to cram enough context into 2500 characters was a stretch. There is a lot missing.

My childhood was one of physical and emotional abuse from my Mother. Even though I wound up in hospital a few times, and have more than my share of broken bones, nobody paid much attention in those days. My father left when I was young and my mother suffered greatly with three young kids, as the only boy we can speculate that I coped some of her hate for my father. I understand that. In spite of seeking help over several decades, it is only a few years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD and went through a set of treatment that did help a bit. She died many years ago, so I’ll never really get to understand.

Yes, I am very shy, I have always been shy. I was bullied at school of course, and have low self esteem and an internal monolog that is pretty poor. I generally fear social situations.

I was first diagnosed with depression by a great doctor almost 40 years ago. I have been through several Psychiatrists over the years. Some of them and GP’s have tried me on drugs, but I’m also a diabetic with some drug interaction challenges. Drugs are a minefield for me.

I’m sorry ladies, I’ve misrepresented what my therapist is telling me. The missing bit of information is that for most of my marriage it has been an abusive environment. It hasn’t been all bad of course, but in therapy as we worked through the few relationships I’ve been in they have all been abusive. Apparently it is not so unusual to seek out a partner who treats you like your mother did.

Her point is that it is up to me to decide if I wish to stay in an abusive relationship and continue to be unhappy,
or leave and try to find happiness. It is not that simple or easy to me.

My point is that with my history seeking companionship, I have no chance of finding a happy relationship. And I
really can’t cope being alone, I’d rather be in an unhappy relationship than on my own. So I put on a happy face as much as I can and carry on. As time has gone on that has become harder.

Cont/...

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

QldMouse — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 10:56:01 GMT

Cont/...

Pipsy, your right. Listing my strengths has been part of an exercise to build my confidence, sorry I left that out.

My
wife has given up on doctors and getting help, nothing I seem to say or do helps. Now she resents me trying to get help. Her physical and mental health is pretty poor, mine is a bit better. The one thing we unite on is our love for our daughter. This amazing young lady has taught me how much I love I have in me. It is my love and pride in her that keeps me going.

That is a bit more of my story, I hope it makes more sense. I’m sorry its hard to follow, I am a bit of a train wreck. I have been having a harder than usual time lately and don’t feel like I’m making progress.

I just wondered if there is hope, if there can be happiness for someone like me, and how others have gone.

Thank you for your consideration.

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

White_Rose — Sun, 05 Jun 2016 01:15:36 GMT

Hello Qld Mouse

I live in Qld also. Did you get much rain yesterday? We did, 75 ml. I know we need rain but it's so miserable and cold. Today is much brighter though still cold. I hope your day is also brighter.

Thanks for clarifying. My husband had an abusive mother, but unlike you he became a bully and eventually I left him. I was in a bad situation some years ago and my psychologist and GP told me I would only heal if I left the situation. Well I tried other things but went back because I decided I was not going to be chased away. Eventually the other person left and although I still have the scars, so to speak, I find my life generally good.

I have said this because there are different options with your marriage. If you stay then you should be more assertive, though I am not sure if this will work for you. If you leave you will be on your own and you say you cannot cope with this. When I left my husband I found it difficult to be on my own once the euphoria of escaping had died down. It's not easy I agree. It depends on how much you want to be in control of your life.

I presume you can do the day to day stuff like cooking and cleaning? It's the living alone part that horrifies you. Yes I do understand. I became very depressed at this time and used to go for walks to avoid being in my home alone. I did learn to live alone and it would need to be a huge reason why I would now give this up.

May I ask how old you are? You said you were over the hill and skating down the other side. Is that how you feel or is it an age thing? For me, especially now I have retired, the world is my oyster. I can do all the things I wanted to do. Some were a bit of a let down and I found others I had not even heard of before. The old saying about leaving work and doing more afterwards is true me for I think.

It's doesn't happen overnight and it does take time, effort and some loneliness. Your daughter will visit/stay with you and you can make friends. I know you are shy but there are ways of getting to know others more easily. Have you heard of the Mens Shed organisation? This is a male only organisation where 'blokes' get together and make things. Some are experts, many have never done any manual work before. The experts teach the non-experts. You start talking without noticing and I understand the coffee break is great.

Google this and see if there is one near you and then join. It's a start. Maybe you will stay with your wife if you find outside interests.

Mary

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

QldMouse — Mon, 06 Jun 2016 01:24:25 GMT

Hi Mary, yes the weekend was fun with the rain and the wind. But we did fair better than northern NSW and Sydney it seems.

Thank you so much for you reply, I so appreciate this. Let me try and answer your questions in 2500 characters!

First, I'm so sorry to hear about your time with your husband, I've seen several poor women in that situation and it makes me very sad. I feel so sad hearing the stories of peoples lives and I realise mine isn't so bad. Your words are inspirational, after all you have been through you find life generally good. I'm really glad for you.

It is crazy, in spite of the wreak I am people keep coming to me for help, and it makes me feel good to help them. I seem better at helping people than helping me.

I've had psychologists and councilors tell me I will only heal if I leave also, that is my big issue. Staying means being told how bad, pathetic and worthless I am, and that seems to hurt the most. I've had that all my life. I am not assertive at all, I spend most of the time in shame or fear or both. I guess that may be why I never became a bully, any time I tried to fight back I was beaten. I learned never to argue or show resistance at an early age, and learned to deal with frustration by self harm. Still working on that issue.

Day to day stuff like cooking and cleaning? Yes I can, cooking is not my strong suit but i'm a clean freak and passionate cleaner. I like to clean, it makes me happy. Correct it's the living alone part that terrifies me. When I was on my own the last time it did get too much for me and I tried to end the pain, failed that too.

Age wise I am late 50's, with the horrible prospect of 60 looking really close. I don't know how many years I have left, so do I have the time and the energy to start again, is it possible for me? will it be worth it? this is what is racing about in the shambles I call a head. I see couples looking happy with each other, doing things together and showing affection to each other. And I long for that, I've never really had a warm relationship and so envy people who do.

I have heard of the Mens Shed, there is one just down the road. My GP, and well every psychiatrist and therapist has suggested that to me. Maybe it is time to have a look.

Thank you.

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Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

White_Rose — Mon, 06 Jun 2016 09:26:25 GMT

Hello Qld Mouse

Thanks for replying. Late 50's! A mere babe in arms. In 40 years time you will still be less than 100, but I won't.

I hope you do try the Mens Shed. I know a few men who go to my local shed and they get a lot out of it. One man does the most amazing carving in wood. A point to consider. If you feel you have no skills in DIY then this is the place to learn. And the reward is...improved self confidence. I hope that hasn't frightened you off.

None of us know how much time we have left. It's often said that we are dying from the moment we are born. Not really sure about that, but you no doubt get the picture. And once you are gone that's it, all over red rover. So resolve to make the most of now, leave a legacy for your daughter, show the world that you are a brave man.

I have noticed that it so often the most damaged and hurt people who are able to empathize and show compassion to others. Once you have fallen down the hole you know how bad it is and how hard to get out again. If I have enough word space left I will put in a poem that helped me.

It's a bit like making a five year plan. It doesn't need deadlines and dates, just milestones to show you how you are going. So what is the first goal you want to reach? Being more socially comfortable? How are you going to do this? Small steps. Perhaps step 1 is joining the Mens Shed and staying there for six months. Step 2 is starting conversations with the men there. Step 3 learning how to do or make something, no matter how small.

Step 4 is a biggy. Find another volunteer organisation to join, while remaining a member of the Mens Shed.

OK, do you get the idea? It will be hard work for you because it seems so unnatural, but if you can do something like my suggestion there will be no stopping you. Get connected to your neighbourhood. When you are asked for help you know it makes you feel good. Remind yourself that you are valuable person, that others depend on you and you care for others.

You ask if you have time to start again. I asked my psych that after I had left my ex. He said he didn't know why not, which of course is psych talk for Yes. There, I learned another skill, how to talk psych. I sometimes think if I had left my husband 20 years earlier how much happier my life would have been. The truth is I will never know. And it's pointless trying to guess. We are where we are and wasting time looking over our shoulders is a sure way to miss what's in front of us. More later.

Mary

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

White_Rose — Mon, 06 Jun 2016 09:54:24 GMT

I thought I wouldn't have room for this above, so here you are.

Autobiography in Five Chapters
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I am lost…I am hopeless
It isn’t my fault
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don’t see it
I fall in again
I can’t believe I am in the same place
But it isn’t my fault
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it is there
I still fall in…it’s a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is MY fault
I get out immediately

I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

No great moral in this. I think it is what we do so often. Let me know what you think.

Mary

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

QldMouse — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 02:39:15 GMT

Thank you Mary,

I did chuckle at the last part about learning to talk to a Psych, yes that is an acquired talent I need. I can certainly related to it though. The amount of times I've come out, sat in the car/bus/train and gone "huh?". I know I'm not the fastest car in the lot, but I so wonder about people most of the time. Ok, I do know. I didn't have a childhood or teenage years and missed the normal grounding in interpersonal skills. I am trying to stop blaming myself for everything that went wrong in my life, most of it was not of my own doing. I wish I could scream and release it (I can't I failed screen therapy ... you should have seen the Psych, he was very disappointed).

I wander don't I :-(.

Yes indeed you are right, I feel for people very acutely, empathize with everyone's pain and take it on. I'm a chronic fixer and saver of all creatures great, small and smelly. It is one thing I can do that brings me happiness.

Thank you for your excellent council. I'll park the comments about age since you are wiser but I feel older.

I googled for a can of courage, and struck out. But I'll try. I googled Men's Shed and had much more success.

Really sincerely, thank you.

(Yes, I so relate to the poem. I've printed it out and put in my day book).

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

White_Rose — Thu, 09 Jun 2016 04:33:46 GMT

Hello Mouse

I think I may well not be alive had I stayed with ex. To leave was not an optional action. I had to leave to survive. Not that he physically hurt me, just emotionally and psychologically. He certainly knew which buttons to press, and still does. We meet at family gatherings and I avoid him as much as possible but not to the extent that I miss out on the talk and laughter. He's a bit like a stone in the shoe, so I take the shoe off.

Glad you enjoyed the poem. It was given to me by a friend when I was down. Once I recognised that I was the one falling because I did not take evasive action I began to change. Circumstances may not be our fault but our actions are up to us.

You said people came to you for help and advice. How do you meet these people? I am wondering if the places you talk to others offers so much rewards and satisfaction, you could think of ways of extending this. Obviously these people are not chance passers by but those you came across fairly regularly. Is this at work, the pub, activities related to your daughter's activities?

If you have such a good network of people around you, could they help to support you if you were living alone? At least until you have found your feet and become comfortable. Sometimes we do not realise we have help close at hand. I started going to an exercise class several years ago and also getting physiotherapy for my back. The others in the class were a huge support. Not because they knew much about me personally but because we shared interests and general chit chat. I have to say it was never a hugely serious class. We all benefited from the exercise and became stronger , more co-ordinated, more flexible or whatever else we needed.

I talked a lot to my physio. mainly because he wanted to know what I did to cause the various spasms etc but also because he was a nice person. Becoming physically fitter helped me to be more in charge of my life generally. I was more confident about myself and that spilled over to over areas. So there's another option for you. At one time a group of men used to have a class before mine. They enjoyed the fitness aspect but also the camaraderie. It's surprising where you get your help.

Take care.

Mary

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

pipsy — Thu, 09 Jun 2016 06:13:43 GMT

Hi Q.M. There are several points Whiterose has made, one being your age. I'm 65 and left an emotionally immature hubby last year after 25 years of marriage. Basic details were his parents had to be considered before me in everything. Their continued verbal and mental abuse with no reproach from him meant I was up against 3 people. I managed to find a unit in a lovely complex, I visited c'link several times, they helped me with budgeting, etc. I was scared like you, at 65 with no skills and nothing to offer. It's been the best move, I ever made. I'm alone - yes, lonely - no. It took me ages to get the courage to make the transition, the people here were incredible, the amount of support was undeniable. I actually do two types of volunteer work, one here, and one with a company who takes the elderly shopping, Dr's, general tours etc. I am a bit gun-shy regarding emotional attachments, but I feel if I did meet someone it would be taken extremely slowly and carefully till both of us were comfortable. Preferably minus in-laws. Bit of sarcastic humour there. I had great in-laws from my 1st marriage.

If Whiterose and I can do it, you can. Age does not enter the equation. Happiness does not have to be kept to the young.

Lynda.

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

QldMouse — Fri, 10 Jun 2016 03:26:51 GMT

Hi White Rose,

OMG, I’m so sorry to hear that. It really saddens me how some people treat other people, we are a complex species with way too many issues. I’m pleased you have found safety and happiness. I hope life gets better and better for you.

The people, yes. It is embarrassing but they were all through work. I have rarely been in a pub, I can’t drink so there is not much of interest and I have a lot of social anxiety I still have to deal with. Groups of people terrify me, in a closed in area it is very difficult.

I once was a pretty good engineer, much better with things than people. And It may be hard to believe but for many years was a senior executive in some global companies. Oh how the mighty have fallen. But in my day I did a good job, managing hundreds of people. I often found it crazy that I basically like people and being with people except they scare the shit out of me. But nobody seemed to notice in my heyday. The last decade I’ve suffered an
enormous lack of confidence and am basically hiding in a job I could do in my sleep. And sometimes it feels as if I am.

At one point I managed a large group of women and felt very protective of them. The amount of their lives they shared with me was shocking, but I could never share anything with them. I’m pretty old school, a big believer in manners, good behavior, respect and lines that should never be crossed. On several occasions I had to sort out men who were crossing or trying to cross the line of reasonable conduct. I’m frequently underwhelmed by my
gender. I tend to get angry about that kind of behavior, and after one confrontation I had a woman manager ask me if I could be her boss. It was a lovely comment, I appreciated how nice the women were to me but it made me sad that I could not have a nice relationship.

It is like us commenting in this thread about all this deep stuff, it is amazing that I’m typing this but there is no way I could say it to a live woman. The idea is just so terrifying it’s hard to put into words. I am struggling to get my head around that. I know for most of my live there has been a huge hole in me I’ve never been able to fill, just cover over. No matter what I pile on top nothing seems to make that feeling go away.

I did check out the Men’s Shed by the way, it is for retired men and I can’t afford to be for the foreseeable future. I’ll see what else is around.

Thank you for your ideas.

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

QldMouse — Fri, 10 Jun 2016 03:36:37 GMT

Hi Pipsy and thank you.

That environment sounds just terrible, fortunately my current relationship is not violent just emotional. What you had to endure sounds just incredibly sad, I'm very impressed you had the courage to move on. And I'm inspired by what you have achieved, sounds like you have done an amazing job and although you talk about having help I am very aware that what made it happen was you. Well done!!

I can't afford to retire and really don't want to, I loose myself in work when ever possible. That has always been my savior.

I hear you though, I've volunteered at things in the past. I have it in me and I know useful skills.

Thank you for your comments, and have a wonderful weekend in your new life.

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

White_Rose — Sat, 11 Jun 2016 06:28:47 GMT

Hello Mouse

I can see why you got on so well with your female employees. Every woman likes being treated respectfully. Men do to but they do not always notice when it is happening.

You have a terrific sense of humour which I am guessing helps in difficult situations. I know I find this. In the middle of something serious or unpleasant I suddenly find something amusing and have a hard job keeping my face straight. I think this is my saving grace. If I could not laugh I would be on the floor in a huge mess. You know how it goes. Laugh and the world laughs with you, frown and you sleep alone.

Pubs are OK at times. I don't drink because my children find me hilarious after one glass of wine. But I have eaten good meals in pubs and had some enjoyable times there. I am not good in crowds, especially crowds of people I don't know. In August the EKKA will be on and I was asked by the Cancer Council to spend time at the gate handing out literature and other cancer related stuff. Sounds a good deal because I would have a free pass into the exhibition, but the thought of standing there with hordes of people pushing past is enough to give me the horrors. On the other hand I do enjoy talking to folk so I guess I could do that and ignore the crowd.

Sad about the mens shed. I thought they were for all men. After all, many men work part time or shifts and would enjoy the company of other men. And the idea, I thought, was to give men the opportunity to talk about their problems. Problems don't just happen to the older person. How discriminatory.

Is it possible to find another job in your field of expertise at a level that you would be comfortable? Doing a job in your sleep sounds very monotonous. You must need some intellectual stimulus from somewhere. What hobbies/activities/pastimes do you enjoy? I am a bit of a bookworm. Tastes change as you get older I find and I read less fiction than in earlier years. I am a member of a book club that meets monthly. This month's book is All the Light You Cannot See. I gather it's on the most popular list in Brisbane library. I enjoyed it once I found my way into the story. It's one of those that jump from character to character and different times.

I wonder if you would enjoy writing here on BB. I see you have answered posts in several threads and I think they are most helpful. If you have time perhaps you could join several conversations and use your experience to help others.

Mary

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

yvemarie — Sun, 12 Jun 2016 04:12:04 GMT

Hi everyone, i'm new here and after reading all your post, makes me teary. Actually its not my issue i wanted to share although i have a big part on it.Reading posts of people suffering from mental illness and disorders is a very painful journey to oneself and the people involved in their lives and i am one of those. I don't know how to start or relate my own ongoing experience with this issue. Its about my daughter and her ongoing journey with her mental illness.For people who has a normal life whether its a happy one or not and still can live normally has a downfall with it because it's hard for them to understand people suffering from mental illness or being mental unstable. They say , "nah, its attitude problem"" they are just stubborn"," look they r all right, they can go to work or talk to people", "nah, they know what they r doing", "they r manipulative so they r aware what they r doing".These r the usual replies u will hear from people who cannot understand mental sufferers and since they don't have families or friends who r mental sufferers they will never comprehend how these mental sufferers are going on. Unless they experience it that's the only time they will agree. They will say, "nah, u can do it", "u will be fine", " u r just having a bad days", "go for a treatment". Yes, its easy for them to say that, and that is what is very sad, it is disappointing and sometimes I feel angry with these people who thinks its an easy journey for people who suffer mental illness n the people who r involve in their lives. It's very difficult, too because everything involves MONEY. Financial aid is important because families who cannot afford to help these sufferers , will not be able to send them for treatment and medical help, and I am one of those. because of my financial limitations, its very frustrating i cannot help my daughter have a decent mental health assessment n treatment she needs. I will try to find a website, hopefully , that can help people raise personal fund for my daughter and i hope also those who reads these,I just want to let you know i feel for all of u who are very much affected with mental illness including your family n friends. Thank you and we always hope for the very best for our families and friends.

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

pipsy — Sun, 12 Jun 2016 11:04:48 GMT

Hi QldMouse. You mentioned mans shed being about retired men. Have you actually visited one? There are skilled men who go there for companionship. Jeff Kennett actually started it as he foresaw a need for men of all ages to join and help each other. They discuss men's issues health-wise, plus, they have frequent fund-raising activities one of which is sausage sizzles for Bunnings on a regular basis. My ex actually helps run one. He may not have been the best hubby, (there are worse), but mans shed has been the best thing for him. Young guys on Newstart also attend, there is gardening, workshops where you can help with building. My ex does a lot of the computer work, plus he handles the newsletters etc. If you're a recipient of Newstart c'link will need to know you're either volunteering or actively seeking work. With mans' shed c'link will accept that as volunteering. My ex was a prison supervisor, he left after 25 years service due to constant bullying from his general manager. He joined man's shed last April/May and hasn't looked back. What he knows about carpentering could fill two lines (not pages, lines) of a book (I kid you not), but man's shed offered him a friendship, that he'd never experienced in his job.

Lynda

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

QldMouse — Mon, 13 Jun 2016 00:30:37 GMT

Hi yvemarie, welcome to the thread!! I hope it helps you.
I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter, and the lack of understanding she is being shown. It is so very hard to help someone, even harder when it is your child. I have a daughter too, and i'd rather have all the problems than see her have a problem.
You say that money is an issue, have you used the Medicare Mental Health program? it gives you up to 10 free visits to a therapist per year paid by medicare. I spent three years on mental health plans and never paid a cent. Talk to your GP. You just answer some questions, your daughter fills out a form and gets a referral.
I spent many years as a care giver and with a partner with depression, so I really feel for your situation. It is hard when you can help them yourself isn't it.
One thing you must do is take care of yourself, we have a tendency to focus on giving care at the expense of our own selves, that is another thing that caused me to go down the path I have.
Remember to be kind to yourself, and all the best for your journey.

Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

QldMouse — Mon, 13 Jun 2016 00:51:30 GMT

Hi White Rose,
Thank you, you are so kind. I know I try to use humour as a shield, and a smoke screen. When I'm really down I use too much sarcasm and dark humour to say things I actually mean. A very bad habit I'm trying to get past.
I had shivers reading about Ekka, I won't go near it for the same reason. I hope you find the bravery, I will be impressed.

My hat is off to you, you like talking to people. I used to but that skill has been worn away, I even used to do public speaking but now, hell no. It does make me sad when I compare me now to me 10,15,20 years ago. I have lost a lot of ground.

Finding work is hard, you have to find confidence and talk to people. I am looking now for when my contract ends. We will see how that goes.

Right now not much makes me happy, I used to love books with a passion and usually had several on the go. Now I can hardly manage a page or two at a sitting.

I know I need to find something that makes me happy.

I am finding it rewarding to participate here, I'm amazed and so saddened by so many of the threads here. As I find the time I will continue. Thank you for the compliment, I don't know if it helps people but it helps me.

I checked Men's Shed again, their meetings are all in the day time which rules me out. I did laugh about your skills assessment on your ex, two lines huh!! LOL. At least I do have skills, an ex electrical engineer that also got registered as an electrician and working in building services for several years. I can swing an hammer and a wide assortment of electrical and petrol powered tools. I do enjoy gardening with petrol powered tools ...

Ah well. Thank you for your support, I feel very humbled and really appreciate all your comments.