topic Struggling to cope with anxious 10-year-old son in Supporting family and friends

Struggling to cope with anxious 10-year-old son

Soozette — Thu, 27 Oct 2016 09:40:06 GMT

Hi everyone,

I feel like I could really do with some support from people who are going through what I'm experiencing at the moment. I do have a wonderfully supportive family and some great friends, but no one who really knows what it's like to live with, and care for, someone with severe anxiety.

My son has had separation anxiety since he was about 2 or 3, on and off, and also developed a phobia of being sick over the years. The psychologist says he also has generalised anxiety disorder. It was pretty bad last year for a few months, but seemed to get much better after seeing the psychologist (about 10 times).

Unfortunately he got pretty sick while on holiday in July, and ever since his anxiety has come back with a vengeance. Both the separation anxiety and the sickness phobia - worse than ever before. It's quite debilitating for him.

We're getting school refusal most days and also a complete withdrawal from sports and parties etc - anywhere outside of his comfort zone.

He also recently saw a psychiatrist, who prescribed him medication to bring down the anxiety to a level that he can benefit from CBT but obviously this will take some time to work and in the meantime it's slowly but surely wearing us down. Some days I'm very empathetic and nurturing etc, but others (like today) I want to run a mile and have zero patience for him.

Is anyone else feeling this way? I'd also love to hear from anyone else whose child has been prescribed Lovan for anxiety and had success.

Thank you.

Struggling to cope with anxious 10-year-old son

Starwolf — Thu, 27 Oct 2016 23:29:17 GMT

Hi Soozette,

I always thought heroism is more about enduring a 24/7 difficult, energy draining situation than about a single spur of the moment act of bravery. What a courageous, resilient Mum you are...

I once was sole carer for a daughter with acquired brain injury so am familiar with depleted inner resources and inevitable burn out. My heart goes out to you. Feeling at times like "running a mile and having zero patience" is nothing to feel guilty about...it unfortunately comes with the territory. Superwoman may be attractive but she's a fantasy. Sainthood eludes most of us.

While caring for a needy loved one, it is easy to put our own needs on the back burner so please take good care of yourself. Personal needs can't be ignored too often for too long without causing damage at all levels. We all have a given amount of inner resources that must somehow be replenished when we're running low.

I'm relieved that you have family support. Would it be possible to delegate a few hours of care on a regular basis ? I'd also suggest counseling for yourself so that you can express your deepest feelings and concerns and get help to manage them. You are doing a terrific but taxing job. Continuing to do so long-term requires you to be in great physical, mental and emotional shape.

If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you'll find useful info in the"Supporting someone" section, including the "Looking after yourself" part.

And of course, you will find understanding and support by navigating the Carers section of the forums. Quite a few people there will know what you are going through and what you are up against. Knowing you're not alone does help.

Kindest thoughts.

Struggling to cope with anxious 10-year-old son

Mumstar — Fri, 18 Nov 2016 22:43:23 GMT

Hi Soozette,

My 10 year old daughter also has severe anxiety with social and seperation anxiety with daily panic attacks. It has been a massive burden on my husband and I and we are mental health nurses so of course feel like we should be able to deal with it and treat it but it is soooo different with your own child.

We have been taking her to a psychologist all year with some improvement but just when we feel like she is starting to improve she will have another flare up! I am starting to really worry about how she will manage high school in another year. We have managed with a lot of effort to ensure she has still gone to school everyday but we had to enlist the help of the school principals to come up with a plan and to do this we got a letter from the psychologist to "prove" how unwell she was as her teacher told her and us she was putting it on to get attention! This of course made our blood boil as you only have to see a panic attack first hand to know how very very real the fear and threat is for the child. We came up with a plan for her to go to the office before school to cope with the seperation anixety first and settle before having to deal with the social anxiety in class. This has worked to the point that she no longer screams and cries at the office and can walk herself to class but now we are trying to push forward because she realised sitting in the office isn't much fun! However this has flared the panic again...... ongoing cycle!

We have just started to realise though that we have been protecting her from some consequences of her actions. We never thought we were soft parents but we are realising that it is our responsibility to make her more resilient and that if we are always there clearing a path for her then she won't ever learn to rely on herself.

It is sooooo hard seeing your child suffer like this so i truly empathise with you and hope your son improves. Have you found the medication helpful?

Warm regards

Struggling to cope with anxious 10-year-old son

Soozette — Mon, 21 Nov 2016 06:47:37 GMT

Thanks so much for your message Mumstar. I'm sorry to hear you're also going through such a hard time.

I wholeheartedly agree it's a lot harder to deal with when it's your own child. We know what we should be doing, and how we should be dealing with it, but it's a lot easier said than done when you live with it day in, day out.

I'm glad to hear your daughter's school is helping in the mornings. My son's school is being a lot more proactive now as well. We now have regular meetings with the principal, deputy, school counsellor and my son's teacher on how things are going and ways we can make it easier for all involved. One thing I came up with, which the school implemented immediately, was making my son a 'big buddy' to one of the younger students (who was also struggling). So now every morning, my son is taken to another classroom where he helps his 'little buddy' with his maths or other work he may be struggling with. It seems to be working really well as he now has responsibility for someone else, who is relying on him to be there in the mornings. It's not foolproof - we still have our days where we simply can't get him out of the house - but they're becoming fewer and further between.

And his medication seems to definitely have made a difference. Obviously it doesn't take away his anxiety, but it's helping him cope a LOT better than he was. He seems a lot calmer now, but it hasn't changed him in any other way (which is something I was concerned about when it was prescribed to him). He's now at the start of week 4 of the medication, and the psychiatrist said this is when it starts to have the true therapeutic effect as it takes a while to build up in the system. He's on a very low dose, and she's happy for him to stay on that for now seeing as he seems to be responding well.

So all in all, things are looking up... slowly but surely. If you have any other questions or just want a chat please message me again. It's good to talk to someone who understands exactly what you're going through.

Take care.

Struggling to cope with anxious 10-year-old son

Soozette — Mon, 21 Nov 2016 06:49:45 GMT

Thanks so much for your kind words Starwolf. It helps to hear I'm not doing such a bad job after all. 🙂

I really appreciate your advice and encouragement.

Struggling to cope with anxious 10-year-old son

Mumstar — Tue, 22 Nov 2016 23:31:05 GMT

Hi Soozette,

I am so glad to here your son is having now having some good days. The more good days they can have provides them with more positive evidence rather than the overwhelming negative thoughts that provoke anxiety. That sounds like a great plan you have developed for him - knowing he is helping someone else looks like a good motivator for him.

Do you mind if I ask what medication your son is on? I am glad you haven't noticed any big changes in him as side effect of medication as this would also really worry me.

This week we have had some minor goal achievements with my daughter really trying to use distraction basically like a running commentary the whole way from the car to the school to keep her mind from thinking about her fears with some good results. It is working this time I think because she has taken responsibility or ownership of doing it rather than us doing it for her. It is great because it has given her some evidence that these techniques really can work so she is now more willing to try them and use it.

Thanks for your reply - it is good to talk to some else who understand as most people really minimise what anxiety and panic is but it can be so heart breaking and stressful to care for someone who experiences it. I would love to hear how your son is going from time to time : >

All the best

Struggling to cope with anxious 10-year-old son

Sophie_M — Tue, 22 Nov 2016 23:43:32 GMT

Hi Mumstar, we're not able to share details of medication names and dosages here on the forums. 🙂

Struggling to cope with anxious 10-year-old son

Starwolf — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 01:32:12 GMT

Hi Soozette,

It is with great relief that I read about those encouraging improvements. The "big buddy" promotion is a stroke of genius...well thought ! No doubt it is helping both children simultaneously.

Mumstar, you are so right...thoughtfully, gradually taking a "special needs" child out her comfort zone is the best way to build up low self-confidence...and self-sufficient coping skills. Not an easy thing to do as a mother's natural inclination is to protect and shield a child from danger. I too had difficulties at first with this battle between heart and mind. But both can join forces and work together.

Ladies, you are doing a terrific job in a challenging situation. Sometimes being a parent is desperately difficult. You both have my respect and admiration.

Struggling to cope with anxious 10-year-old son

Soozette — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 02:00:34 GMT

That's great to hear you're also seeing some improvements Mumstar! It sounds like your daughter is practicing mindfulness, which I've read really can help. Sometimes it only takes a simple little shift to change their thought pattern, doesn't it? My son was having a really bad panic attack in the car the other day and the one thing that stopped it was me pulling an apple out of my bag and telling him to eat it as his blood sugar levels were low, which was making him feel sick (the panic attack was mainly about him worrying he was going to be sick - his biggest phobia). So he started eating the apple and calmed down immediately. Distraction/refocusing does work!

As mentioned, I can't tell you the brand name of the medication he is on but it is definitely helping (in conjunction with CBT). I hope I can say, though, that it's a very low-dose SSRI (is that ok moderator?). It might be worth asking your GP or a psychiatrist about it if your daughter isn't getting any better.

Good luck! All the best over the festive break. Hoping we can both get a little reprieve once school hols start. Fingers crossed. 🙂