topic Bi-polar infidelity?? is this a real thing or just the person? in Supporting family and friends

Bi-polar infidelity?? is this a real thing or just the person?

skye1 — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 00:16:53 GMT

just recently i found out my partner of over a year has been cheating on me for over 5 months. he is in the process of getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have never felt such betrayal in all my life, but i still don't hate him, and I'm still so prepared to work things out with him. am i being stupid??? I have read so many webpages (specifically bi-polar based webpages) on bi-polar infidelity being related to the hypersexulaity that comes with the hypermania. Is this just myth or is my partner just a scum bag? not that cheating in any circumstance is excusable whether it be because of illness of just the person, it might give me more inside on how better to deal with the situation. ??

Bi-polar infidelity?? is this a real thing or just the person?

SourceShield — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 00:37:05 GMT

Hi Skye,

Hypersexuality - is a very real 'thing'.

But, whether or not your partner is also working through this or not, is not up to you or I to diagnose.

You must keep yourself healthy and safe now.

Being with someone that has caused you so much distress, and then wanting to go back go them...kinda sends off the alarm bells for me.

Sounds a bit 'co-dependent'.

Look it up.

I know you care, but sometimes we must love the ones that we love, from a distance.

Are you wanting to be with him because you can not be alone or single?

Where does your self-worth come into play?

Do you deserve to be happy and healthy too?

If you partner is diagnosed with BPD, then I am sorry about that...because, thats a tough condition to live with.

My heart goes out to him.

IMHO - Youre not being stupid...youre being human.

Your 'heart' is involved.

Youre 'heartbroken'.

You need to make sure that your health and happiness levels are on track as well.

Your feelings are valid.

Stay in touch.

Take a good look around at some of the other posts re: BPD.

We are here for you.

MuchLove

Bi-polar infidelity?? is this a real thing or just the person?

SourceShield — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 00:45:07 GMT

p.s.

Let me just clarify something for you, okay Skye?

Hypersexuality - like many conditions, will come with a 'cluster' of behaviours.

The cheating...could just be that the guy has no self-control and no respect for you!

But, if there are a 'cluster' of behaviours, that line up with hypersexuality...than YES, he very well just may be hypersexual as well.

But, thats not for you nor I to diagnose.

Keep on encouraging this guy to get professional help, and for him to be as honest and as truthful about how it is for him, as possible.

Same goes for you...if you feel like you need extra professional help for this, its there for you too.

Take good care of you now.

PeaceOut

Bi-polar infidelity?? is this a real thing or just the person?

white knight — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 04:41:04 GMT

Hi Skye, welcome

Source...there us no mention if BPD in the original post....just saying.

Yes there are mental illnesses that as a symptom have raised sexual urges. But regardless of that commitment should over ride this. If it doesn't then be prepared for a life without trust and that will tear you apart.

Sorry for the bad news.

Tony WK

Bi-polar infidelity?? is this a real thing or just the person?

SourceShield — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 04:49:45 GMT

WK,

Yes, youre absolutely right...It's Bi polar that was mentioned!

BPD - is another kettle of fish!

Thanks for that.

MuchLove

Bi-polar infidelity?? is this a real thing or just the person?

Kazzl — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 08:47:11 GMT

Hi Skye

Like all the websites and resources say, hypersexuality is indeed one of the symptoms (or resultant behaviours) of hypomania or mania for people with bipolar disorder. So is a propensity to addictions, risky behaviour, extreme spending, very high energy, sleeplessness and (depending on level of severity) delusions, paranoia and hallucinations, and a high risk of suicide.

Not everyone with bipolar experiences hypersexuality (I don't), but many do (I have bipolar friends who have).

And, it might not occur again, especially once treatment is underway. Many of the symptoms of bipolar recede or even disappear once a good treatment regime is in place. In the meantime, whether someone can override the urges because of morality or commitment largely depends on the severity of their illness.

As you probably know, there are two categories of bipolar disorder - bipolar 2 which is milder and does not involve psychosis, and bipolar 1, the more extreme with psychotic episodes of delusions and auditory and/or visual hallucinations.

I have bipolar 2, so can't speak authoritatively on psychotic episodes or the more severe symptoms such as hypersexuality, but from what I know from friends, not a lot can override their minds when they're truly manic (that's often why they end up in hospital).

You say your husband is in the diagnosis process. My suggestion is wait. If you want to save your marriage, don't label him a scumbag yet until you at least know what you and he are dealing with as far as his mental health is concerned.

By all means let him know you're hurt and feel betrayed; he needs to know that and feel it. And do take care of yourself. But I hope you can try to work with him and be with him while this is happening. Much of course will depend on his attitude. But bipolar people who have been unfaithful are often very ashamed of what they've done and don't want to do it again.

Bipolar is a cruel condition. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies (well, not all of them ...) But with time, good treatment and understanding, hopefully your husband will come to manage it well and you'll both have your life back.

Very best wishes

Kaz

Bi-polar infidelity?? is this a real thing or just the person?

SourceShield — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 10:23:50 GMT

Well said, Kaz!

For those of us that do experience hypersexuality, it isn't about WANTING to be uncommitted to the relationship.

In a manic state, as you have referenced, dependent on the severity of the illness...it is pretty much impossible to override the mind, in that moment.

And, we can learn how to recognise that state, to minimise 'damage' in the future.

Mindfulness etc...

Plus...

"You say your husband is in the diagnosis process. My suggestion is wait. If you want to save your marriage, don't label him a scumbag yet until you at least know what you and he are dealing with as far as his mental health is concerned".

I completely agree!

Thats good, sound and compassionate advice.

MuchLove, Kaz!

Bi-polar infidelity?? is this a real thing or just the person?

white knight — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 12:40:06 GMT

Hi again,

Actually I've had two psychotic episodes and remain bipolar type 2 Kaz. Psychosis can occur in type two bipolar when in a depressive cycle. Effective medication fine tuning and it hasn't occurred since 2012.

Anyway as you and Source Shield correctly pointed out to Skye W her husband is going through the diagnosis process and waiting for any subsequent treatment is wise. Medication along with therapy etc can transform bipolar sufferers substantially. My wife can vouch for that...!

Tony WK

Bi-polar infidelity?? is this a real thing or just the person?

Kazzl — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 22:05:08 GMT

Thanks Tony - I stand corrected. Yes of course you're right - psychosis can happen in a bipolar 2 depressive state. And yes, thank goodness for modern medicine! Many of us wouldn't be here if it weren't for good drugs and other therapies.

Cheers

Kaz

Bi-polar infidelity?? is this a real thing or just the person?

Ellu — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 22:48:23 GMT

Dear Skye,

Yes, I am afraid hypersexuality with bi-polar mania is very real. When I was manic in my 20's I did some things involving sexual relationships which I am ashamed to think back on. It was a compulsion which I just couldn't handle, and I deeply regret hurting people in my life. I am not normally that sort of a person at all. You say your partner is in the process of being diagnosed - does that mean he is seeing someone for professional help? If so, then hopefully the mania will be brought under control.

And then what? Was it the illness or just him misbehaving? I would like to suggest that you both go along to relationship counselling. This can be organised through your GP. When my marriage was in trouble some years ago, my husband and I went to see a counsellor, and she helped us talk through our issues and work out where we stood. It must have worked because we are still together!

You must feel very hurt and bewildered, but give your partner the benefit of the doubt and see what happens once he begins receiving treatment and you have had an opportunity to talk things over with a counsellor. Bi-polar disorder is not an excuse, but it is a nasty illness and sometimes makes us do things which we regret.

All the best,

Ellu

Bi-polar infidelity?? is this a real thing or just the person?

white knight — Sat, 26 Nov 2016 08:26:06 GMT

Hi again SW

Im 60yo and was correctly diagnosed with bp2 in 2009. Hence like others here I spent most of my life with the illness undiagnosed.

As a young man I was, I believe, hypersexual (where's the yardstick?)...but I was Also...very impulsive...no extremely so, subsequently I bought and sold cars regardless of the financial ramifications. I was moody, emotional, depressive episodes and anxious.

However I was lucky, I had a responsible side, punctual, subordinate, energetic, hard worker and caring.

Its when a person doesn't have these good qualities they can get into trouble...criminal trouble.

So there can be a balance but often the weight of the illness overshadows the good side and we can't fully control ourselves. My behaviour used to be quite confrontational on one side and a sad sack the other, two extremes like the happy and sad clown masks.

As pointed our by our champion Kaz, where would we be without treatment?. With treatment our behaviour is within tolerable margins most times with the regular hiccup out of sorts behaviour.

I hope you get him the treatment he needs.

Also google Topic: depression, is there any positive?- beyondblue

To look at the bright side.

Tony WK

Bi-polar infidelity?? is this a real thing or just the person?

skye1 — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 04:12:28 GMT

Hi everyone, firstly I cannot thank you all enough for your comments, guidance, and experiences.

I am still coming to terms with everything I have recently found out. One thing I am not coping with is the lack of remorse my partner is showing, I know he knows how much he has hurt me, but unfortunately because of his bipolar, he is almost incapable of showing any real emotional support, or any type of reasoning. I have no idea what I'm going to do from here on, but I can't thank you all enough, your comments have shown a light I needed! TY!

Bi-polar infidelity?? is this a real thing or just the person?

Kazzl — Wed, 30 Nov 2016 08:14:42 GMT

Hello Skye, thanks for getting back to us and I'm please we've been able to shed a little light on the situation for you.

I'm not defending your husband, and he might well take the diagnosis very differently to me. But in my case, getting the diagnosis was an immense thing to deal with. I was diagnosed early this year, after many years of being treated for depression and after a long struggle with alcoholism (we are prone to self-medicaton with booze or drugs or sex - anything to help us find oblivion or indulge the mania).

While I was in some ways glad to have a diagnosis and start treatment, it also made me reassess so many things about my life. Things I had never understood suddenly fell into place - all of them bad. I resented going through so much, putting my family through so much when, if I'd been diagnosed earlier they might not have happened. And, I also had to accept that this was for life. I would always be this way.

It's both a relief and a regret to learn that so that so many things you thought about yourself and about other people, the grand ideas, the certainty that you were right and others wrong, the arguments, the obsessiveness ... were because of an illness ... all my life, and I find out at 53!

So, for me at least, my first responses were all about poor me. But once I got my head around it, the remorse and the regret came. Oh did it come. And it hasn't gone either. I'm learning to handle it, but I know it will probably always be there to a certain extent.

What I'm saying is that it's early days for your husband. Everyone reacts differently of course, but it could be he has a lot to take in and think about, and certainly the infidelity is part of that. But if he's like me, he could well be thinking through a whole lot of stuff right now. It's almost like suddenly finding out you're not the person you thought you were.

Of course you must still make your own way through this, and take care of you. You have to think through what's most important to YOU. But again I'd say if you can, give it time. Learn everything you can about the disorder. Talk to him, ask him to be honest about what's going on in his head. And know that treatment takes time to kick in - he needs to patient with that too. It can be months.

I feel for you Skye. For both of you. Please know you can come here anytime you want to chat. we're here for you.

Kaz

Re: Bi-polar infidelity?? is this a real thing or just the person?

Guest_79918607 — Thu, 15 Aug 2024 10:59:15 GMT

Infidelity is real