topic Is this normal? in Supporting family and friends

Is this normal?

BPB — Mon, 02 Jan 2017 03:00:20 GMT

Long story short, I am the third of four children. Oldest brother with seven year age gap had severe mental health issues and was violent daily to me and my parents did not believe me. It started when I was 10 years old.

my education was ruined, in many respects my life was a disaster. I had no support from parents who in the 1980's hid everything.

i was the victim of knife attacks, beatings, and torture. I would protect my mum and younger sister at all costs to my own well being. Violence was a natural thing.

when I was 21 my brother died, natural causes.

my parents turned their protection to my sister who also seemed to display severe mental health issues.

even now my mum will not listen to me and will side with my sister no matter what. I am now 48 and I have never exposed my wife or children to violence if any manner. I do not condone violence of any sort.

my oldest daughter went to the uk to visit her grandmother and was assaulted by my sister and her boyfriend.

again my mum would not listen to my daughter or me. I continue to suffer the most horrendous abuse from my sister. I no longer respond.

i do not believe this to be normal but I have never experienced anything like this from anyone other than my family (not my wife or children).

I guess I just need someone apart from

my wife to tell me it is not normal to be treated this way?

thanks

Is this normal?

SubduedBlues — Mon, 02 Jan 2017 09:32:06 GMT

Hi BPB

Though I am not having the best of days today I felt compelled to respond to your thread.

The abuse and distrust you have described is anything but normal. No one, not even the fairytaled Cinderella, should ever consider a life of abuse to be normal.

Even if that is the only life you have ever experienced, you would know within yourself that abusing another does not make you feel better ... any everyone wants to feel accepted. I think you already know that such behaviour is abnormal, but if you are seeking confirmation from another... it's wrong, IT IS NOT NORMAL, and it is not acceptable in any shape or form.

I hope that your eldest daughter is not overly traumatized by her visit, and is doing well. Give her a hug for me.

Is this normal?

Doolhof — Mon, 02 Jan 2017 09:52:49 GMT

Hi BPB,

Abuse is not acceptable or normal. Even if a person does have mental health issues, they need to know their actions are not acceptable.

I'm wondering if you have received any help, counselling or support in regard to the abuse you received yourself? In my own life I have experienced some "happenings" that have been most unpleasant. Thoughts about these events can resurface and may need addressing.

Hopefully your daughter realises what has happened to her is not at all acceptable and is in no way her fault. Please check with her and ask if she needs any help to deal with the events she experienced.

Embrace the family you have with you, your wife and your children. Make plans for different things you would like to do as a family. Make the most of the times you do have.

Each day is a new opportunity to start over.

Regarding your education, is there an opportunity for you to do some adult learning if you would like to? Maybe a TAFE course, something on line, or even researching something of interest to yourself.

A family friend took up Chinese cooking lessons at aged 90 as he had never had Chinese food before.

Once again, abuse is not normal, but it does happen for many different reasons. We can not control the actions of another person. We can decide how we want to live our lives and try to do so.

Wishing you peace for your heart and soul, from Dools

Is this normal?

Doolhof — Mon, 02 Jan 2017 09:53:39 GMT

Hi SB,

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and have responded to your recent thread.

From Dools

Is this normal?

BPB — Mon, 02 Jan 2017 10:19:52 GMT

Hi Dools

thank you for your post. Breaking the normality of life is not easy. Protecting my family is my foremost.

later in life I obtained my degree, three post graduate diplomas, served in the ADF and I work as a senior professional in my field.

I have come to realise that I must lose my family to care for my family. It is not my choice it the choice of others that makes it so.

thanks

Is this normal?

BPB — Mon, 02 Jan 2017 10:23:22 GMT

Yes I know deep down that it is not right. I do not abide others and I thank you for helping me come to terms with this.

i cannot change others, I can change how I let others treat me. The walk away from family is hard, no matter the abuse.

but my wife and children come first.

keep your chin up, no matter what we keep in going.

thanks

Is this normal?

Doolhof — Mon, 02 Jan 2017 10:29:10 GMT

Hi BPB,

Congratulations to you for achieving so much in your life.

For some people it seems easier to keep up the abuse they received and to pass it on to others. It is wonderful when people have the strength to stop the cycle and to move on.

It is a shame it has come to a point where you feel you need to let go of your childhood family, but it is understandable. Like you wrote, we can not change others.

Help your wife and your children to become the people whom they desire to be. I have learnt to accept the past for what it is, to try to let go of the hurts and the bitterness and to not pass them on to others.

All the best to you and your own family.

Cheers again from Dools